I believe that George W. Bush snorted cocaine. At one point in the 70s, the man was probably offered a line by an acquaintance, and George inhaled. Why shouldn’t he? It was the 70s, and everyone was tooting back some blow. And George, bless his cocaine-stressed heart, probably had no idea he’d one day be running for President. Heck, his DAD probably had no idea he’d be running for President. If dad hadn’t gotten around to it, any Presidential ambitions of Bush fils would be, shall we say, almost Oedipally premature. So, toot! went the coke, and George probably spent the next couple of hours simultaneously convivial and paranoid. Good training, actually, for the office he wants to hold.
I have no problems with Bush having tried the coke. The man is clearly not a coke fiend today. Were he to assume the highest office in our land, there’s little worry that between meeting the Prime Minister of Israel and a state dinner, he’d retire to his private office and fire up a rock (and then, ranting that Sri Lanka has the bomb, fire a preemptive strike against the Indian subcontinent). I think that most people, were they to discover that George once sucked up a white line, would probably shrug and not think about it again. So he did coke. In the 70s, the only people who didn’t do coke were Billy Graham and Richard Nixon (his paranoia did not need pharmaceutical amplification).
Bush is running around these days trying to avoid the “did you do coke” question by saying he refuses to answer it, and then saying, incidentally, that he hasn’t done any illegal drug in 25 years (at first it was seven years, and then it got kicked back to 20, and now 25. By the time you read this, it may have gotten back to the early 60s, when coke was still illegal, but Bush could have dropped all the LSD he wanted). Which means he has done an illegal drug of some sort (almost certainly pot, and most likely coke as well), he just doesn’t want to admit to the details. Because it would send the wrong message to the kids, you see: Do coke, and you can be President one day! And because he won’t say what his drug of choice was, the question is going to hound him for the rest of his campaign.
I’m not planning to vote for George, but I’d respect him a hell of a lot more anyway if he’d just say “Why, yes, I did do coke. It wasn’t the smartest thing I’ve ever done, and now I regret having done it.” All of which would be true, and all of which most everyone could accept. Everyone’s done dumb things they’ve later regretted. And additionally, having done drugs in the past does not make you a hypocrite if you’re anti-drug now (doing drugs now would make you a hypocrite).
Now, many people feel that Bush shouldn’t have answered the question at all, that he should be entitled to a certain zone of privacy. And actually, I have no problems with that, either, if Bush had in fact just said, “It’s no one’s damned business but my own,” and left it at that. But of course that wouldn’t do, and so we have this “admitting to something but not really anything” policy. I mean, really. Just admit it, George. You blew some blow. Really, we don’t mind.
This “maybe I did cocaine, maybe I didn’t” thing leads to an interesting question of what past behaviors these days would disqualify one for the Presidency. As I mentioned, I don’t think Bush having done cocaine in the past would ultimately hurt him. And if he owned up to toking up some pot, people these days would hardly blink. And obviously President Clinton’s infidelities have not dislodged his tenacious, barnacle-like hold on the White House.
So what gossipy nuggets from the past would put a dent in one’s drive to the White House? Well, here’s a list of the things I think would do it (and some that would not):
Would I Be Disqualified From Running For President If The Press Found Out I…
Did Pot? NO
Did Cocaine Once? NO
Did a LOT of Cocaine? NO
Did Crack? YES (it’s a low-class drug, you see)
Did Acid Once? NO
Did a LOT of Acid? YES
Did Speed? NO
Did Downers? NO
Did Heroin? YES
Did PCP? YES
Did Viagra? YES
Am Currently A Practicing Alcoholic? NO
Spit Tobacco? YES (Really. You want a president with a spitoon? This ain’t Andy Jackson days)
Cheated on my spouse? NO
Cheated on my spouse last night? YES
Cheated on my taxes? NO
Participated in a college heterosexual orgy? NO
Participated in a campaign trail heterosexual orgy? YES
Participated in a threesome? NO if the two other members were of the opposite sex; otherwise YES
Had homosexual sex? Ohmigod YES
Really? Even if it was just that one time in the high school gym shower, which if you think about it, wasn’t really sex at ALL, just more sort of a fumbling thing? YES
Had a nervous breakdown once? YES
Beat my wife? YES
Was arrested for driving drunk? NO
Was arrested for driving drunk last night? NO
Was arrested for protesting in the 60s? NO
Burned a flag? YES
Kicked my dog? YES (if there are pictures)
Spanked my kid? NO
Slapped my kid? YES
Owned porn? YES
Used the word “Nigger”? YES
Used the word “Spic”? NO (Hispanics—low voter turnout)
Had and/or paid for an abortion? YES (yes, even for Democrats)
If I had to pick the three things that would be automatic presidency killers off that list, I’d have to pick homosexual sex, flag burning, and the abortion thing. The press unearths any of those in the past, you’re dead meat in a red-hot flaming stick. Most of the others you could at least attempt to wiggle your way out of: You could tearfully admit to wife-beating way back when and bawl how wrong you were, and maybe pull it off. Mention you paid for her abortion and you might as well pack up and go home. I can’t even imagine what would happen if some presidential candidate ever had to field questions about having gay sex (“Did you inhale?”). It would probably be followed either by a suicide or an assassination.
Mind you, I’m not discussing the relative “right” or “wrong” about each of these things, or how I personally feel about them. I’d happily vote for a man or woman who has had gay sex for President, for example, if they were an otherwise qualified candidate. But I am, shall we say, in an extreme minority here. And I wouldn’t expect any Presidential candidates in the next, oh, 30 years, to go and prove me wrong.