Scalzi, you putrefied smear of degenerate amniotic fluid. Another book. No, not even, merely a collection of transcribed hoots and shrieks of a Ebola crazed baboon, hammering away on a keyboard and lucky, I say, lucky enough to string letters together into something resembling drivel. Your inspiration, no doubt coming from the electrodes alligator clipped to your dangling testicles, which themselves are only remarkable for the fact that you manage to lick them while exploring the profound (alas, only to you) depths of your own ass.
Enough, I can no longer besmirch my beautiful mind with the contemplation of your execrable insignificance. You bore me.
—C. Rader
Oh, merciful gods and bananas, another magnum opus from Scalzi, the man who singlehandedly settles the “evolution vs. intelligent design” controversy by proving both sides wrong. Listen, you pulsillanimous donkey-fister, I’d rather chew on someone else’s hemorrhoids than be subjected to whatever your dental work is picking up THIS week. You have the writing talent and personal hygeine habits of a smear of week-old fish slime on an anonymous street in Minsk. Your prose soars with all the grace of a bilious orangutang, and delivers biting wit to rival Perry Como. Your books–and you–should be pulped and spread on crops as an industrial weed-killer, except that it’d be against international eco-terrorism regulations, you masticating coprophage.
—Nicole the Wonder Nerd
You suck.
Postscript-since the winner will be published in your book I thought the email should be kept in line with the average attention span and intellectual capacity of your reader base.
—CB