Lawrence stared ahead as Rose and Nathanial hopped and jumped along Victoria Park’s cobbled walkway, his mind on his troubled feelings despite the brightness of a beautiful Sunday afternoon. Helen strolled beside him. Her quiet demeanour should have added to the peacefulness of the day, yet his mind and emotions were in turmoil, the full trees and the flowering beds mocking his inner feelings of withering and wilting.
He hadn’t felt such a failure since Abigail had lain dying and he’d been unable to do anything to save her. Since his departing altercation with Esther over a week before, an unease had gripped him that he could not shake off, no matter how much he turned to work, the fundraiser or his children.
For years, work, Rose and Nathanial had been his saviours. His parents’ treatment of him should have destroyed any hope of him learning to love and trust, but how was he to convince Esther he wanted her in every way? That he would never come between her and her work?
Self-disgust twisted inside him.
No matter how much he told himself the scars of his father’s belt, the confining of Lawrence in a darkened cupboard for hours, sometimes an entire night, until he agreed to whatever demand his father wanted, had been buried and forgotten, Esther had clearly heard every ounce of his weakness in his words.
Why on earth would a woman so strong and determined want a man like him? She deserved a lover who stood tall and proud beside her. Not one who continued to linger on his harsh childhood.
‘Mr Culford? Is something the matter, sir?’
Helen’s voice broke his thoughts and Lawrence turned, his smile appearing as easily as it always did. ‘Not at all. Why do you ask?’
‘I asked if you have plans this evening, but you were miles away.’
‘A night’s reading is as far as my plans are likely to stretch tonight.’ He turned to the pond glistening and sparkling beneath the warm sunshine. ‘I’ve worked hard this week and it seems a similar week lies ahead of me, so a quiet night will be welcomed.’
‘I see.’
Lawrence glanced at her. Her tone indicated Helen was far from satisfied with his reply. He frowned. ‘Is that not what you expected me to say?’
Her cheeks flushed and she grimaced. ‘Forgive me if I am speaking out of turn, sir, but you’ve not been yourself since your dinner with Miss Stanbury. I’m a little worried about you. As is Charles.’
Lawrence inhaled a long breath as they strolled further along the path, people passing by arm in arm and children skipping and running. ‘Miss Stanbury is an acquaintance. There’s no need for your or Charles’ concern. I’m quite all right.’
‘So, you’ll be seeing Miss Stanbury again? She seemed awfully taken with Rose and Nathanial. Plus, when you returned with Rose after the book signing at Pennington’s, she couldn’t stop telling me how nice she found Miss Stanbury. Do you know she told me she wanted to work in Pennington’s, too, when she was old enough?’
Amusement and warmth spread through him as Lawrence looked at Rose as she hopped ahead of them, hand in hand with her brother. ‘She said that?’
Helen nodded and smiled. ‘She said Miss Stanbury and Miss Pennington were happy, and she wants to be happy, too.’
Lawrence studied his daughter and guilt pressed down on him, his smile dissolving. Whenever her little brother looked at her, Rose smiled and then it slowly evaporated whenever Nathanial looked away. Was Rose wearing the same self-serving mask as her father?
He swallowed the lump that lodged painfully in his throat. ‘She surmised Pennington’s is where people find happiness?’
‘It’s not a naïve assumption.’ Helen laughed. ‘I know I’m happy whenever I’m there.’
He faced her. ‘Do you go to Pennington’s often? Had you seen Miss Stanbury before she came to the house?’
‘I don’t think so.’ Helen frowned. ‘But both myself and Charles like her very much, sir. Mrs Jackson, too. It seems a shame that you won’t step out together again.’
‘We haven’t stepped out at all,’ Lawrence said quickly, not wanting Helen or anyone else at the house contemplating a future that was non-existent. The children stopped beside the duck pond, Nathanial giggling as he flapped his arms to his side and waddled up and down. ‘I’m organising a fundraiser at the hotel for Miss Stanbury’s suffragist group. So, although I’m likely to see her again, it will be business only.’
Regret whispered inside him.
He’d lectured and challenged Esther on her choice to live a life alone, yet he was living the same lonely way. All the money and success in the world would not take the look of subdued longing from Rose’s face, only love, laughter and care could do that. He’d once felt he and his staff provided all the care and stability Rose and Nathanial needed, but the older his children became, the more guidance they needed. How could he show them the meaning of true happiness when he had no idea of it himself?
He faced Helen. ‘I know your questions are born out of concern, but, truly, Miss Stanbury is unlikely to become a feature in my life. Maybe that will remain something I regret, but that’s the way it seems things will be.’
She nodded, her eyes soft with a sympathy he neither wanted nor deserved. Glancing towards the children, she sighed. ‘I only worry for you, sir. I hate the thought that you might never find a sweetheart. Someone to love Rose and Nathanial. They deserve that.’ She turned. ‘As do you.’
He forced a smile. ‘And so do you. I like to imagine you falling in love one day. Having a family of your own.’
Helen’s pretty blue eyes twinkled with mischief. ‘I already have a special someone.’
Surprised that Helen had never mentioned a man in her life before, Lawrence raised his eyebrows. ‘You do?’
She blushed. ‘There are some things a girl likes to keep to herself, sir.’
‘Of course. Well, I am very pleased. I hope he treats you in the manner you deserve.’ He feigned a glare. ‘If he doesn’t, he’ll have me to answer to.’
She laughed. ‘He treats me very well.’
‘Good. And on another note, I’ll be increasing your, Charles’ and Mrs Jackson’s wages with immediate effect.’
‘But, sir, you’re already very generous—’
‘Helen, I would have been lost without all three of you for many years. You have all gone above and beyond what is expected of you without protest, argument or question. Your service is vital to me and I want to pay you accordingly.’
She dipped her head as she smiled. ‘Well, thank you, sir. I’m sure Charles and Mrs Jackson will be as delighted as I am.’
The children moved on from the pond and Lawrence and Helen fell into step behind them. As they walked, he scanned the park and the women walking back and forth: nannies with prams and young women in groups. Now he’d met Esther, every other woman faded into insignificance. He neither acknowledged their beauty, nor their possible suitability.
He had to rid himself of his scars. Had to stop his duplicity of not being entirely himself. He didn’t like the idea of his staff worrying about him, or from what, or where, his moroseness originated.
How would he ever be happy unless he shed his humiliation and began to believe his shame didn’t show in the cracks of his carefully maintained façade? So, he hadn’t turned out to be the robust, strict, iron-handed heir his parents felt was needed to maintain his father’s fortune and estate. They tried their best to beat those virtues into him in an effort to secure a hardened, immovable Culford line and they’d failed.
He couldn’t give a damn.
‘It’s nearing teatime, sir. Shall we head home?’
He blinked and turned to Helen. ‘Absolutely.’
She called the children and Rose and Nathanial came running into their nanny’s open arms. When Helen had spoken of her beau, her eyes had shone with love and excitement. There was every possibility the children could soon lose the only woman they had who truly cared for them. He had to move on for their sakes’, if not for his own.
It was time to face his past and bury it once and for all.