Lawrence glanced at his watch as he sat in The Phoenix restaurant, his foot incessantly tapping the stone floor tiles. What if Esther had not received his note? Or she had, and felt such disdain at his invitation, she’d shredded his words into pieces? He’d not received a returned acceptance or any other message and now sat alone avoiding the curious stares of his staff.
She would come. He was sure of it. Their connection was too instant, too intense for either of them to ignore. He had to believe she would have been pleased by his letter.
A young staff member caught his eye, her gaze concerned as she cleared the table beside him. Lawrence immediately smiled and purposefully relaxed back into his seat. She hesitantly returned his smile, although the line at her brow remained.
‘How are you this morning, Freda?’ Lawrence asked. ‘Everything as it should be?’
The young girl nodded. ‘Yes, sir.’
‘Then we are both enjoying this sunny afternoon.’
She smiled again before lifting the plates she’d stacked on the table and moving away. As she retreated, Lawrence’s smile dissolved and self-loathing unfurled inside him. How was he to convince Esther she could trust him when he continued to keep his shame and fears from her?
To pretend to himself, was to pretend to the universe. Nothing good would enter his life if he kept aloft his barriers of fictitious contentment.
What did it matter if he was in a state of nervous anticipation as he waited for the arrival of a particular woman? He did not need to feel guilty that he longed to spend time with Esther, see her laugh, look into her beautiful eyes and feel the softness of her hand in his. There was no shame in such things. Didn’t he look at lovers in the hotel and on the street and secretly harbour envy for all they had and enjoyed?
The delicate tap of approaching footsteps snagged his attention and he turned.
Esther.
His heart kicked, and he slowly rose, his smile genuine.
‘Hello.’ She smiled, her cheeks flushed. ‘How are you?’
‘All the better for seeing you.’ He waved towards the chair opposite him, the truth of his words making him realise just how miserable he’d been without her. ‘Take a seat.’
She sat and laid her purse on the table.
Words stuck in his throat as he studied her hair, her eyes, her mouth. She was so beautiful and seemed completely unaware of it. His desire for her stirred once more and he quickly snapped his gaze to hers. ‘I’m glad you came.’
‘I was glad to receive your invitation.’ She hesitated before turning to look about the restaurant. ‘Are we alone? I wasn’t certain if your sister and nephews would be joining us?’
‘Cornelia and the boys are enjoying a jaunt in the park with Helen, Rose and Nathanial.’
‘And Cornelia is your eldest sister? Is that right?’
‘Yes. Harriet’s the younger.’
She smiled softly and sighed, looking about the lounge again. ‘This room is wonderful. It almost competes with the luxury of Pennington’s Butterfly restaurant.’
Lawrence relaxed his shoulders at the teasing in her voice. ‘Almost?’
She smiled. ‘Almost.’
He laughed. ‘Are you hungry?’
She nodded, her gaze lingering on his. ‘Famished.’
Lawrence stilled, his entire body frozen by the heat in her eyes. Teasing. Challenging. Nothing in her gaze or demeanour indicated she had a wish to eat food. Although, it was suddenly clear she was ravenous. For what, he dared not think, lest his thoughts illustrated his lust. Or was he a fool to think – to hope – that her desires mirrored his?
The atmosphere had irrevocably shifted. Attraction rose, tangible and arousing. Memories of her creamy, satin-smooth skin, the floral scent of her barely-there perfume surged through his body and mind. God, how he longed to touch her again, kiss her, love her… The hunger in her eyes could not be mistaken. They wanted one another, regardless of their circumstances. But he would not think about, or act upon, his physical yearnings until she understood how serious he was about helping with the Cause. Until she trusted that her thoughts and passions came above everything he might wish for himself.
He turned away and raised his hand to a nearby waitress. ‘Could we each have a glass of champagne and the lunch menus, Jenny?’
‘Of course, sir.’
She walked away, and Lawrence turned to Esther. ‘So, as you’re here, I hope you want to continue with my plan to host an event at the hotel?’
‘I do.’ She inhaled a shaky breath and grimaced as the flirtation in her eyes diminished. ‘But first I want to apologise for walking out on you the way I did. You want to help with the Cause and instead of being grateful, I thought only of my fears rather than the good of the Society.’
‘We all have fears. There’s no need to apologise.’ He reached for her hand where it lay on the table and gently squeezed her fingers. ‘But I think we can easily work through them together. What do you say?’
The light he loved to see in her eyes brightened. ‘Yes, I think maybe we can.’
‘Good.’ He released her hand. ‘Then once we’ve eaten, I’ll take you to my office. I can’t believe how hard Anna, Victoria and Ruth have worked. I want to show you what they have planned for the auction and even the ball. They are determined to organise events everybody and anybody wants to attend.’
‘That’s wonderful. If we’re really going to do this, it has to be spectacular. I should never have doubted your sincerity to help.’
‘If you doubted my sincerity, then the fault lies with me. Every part of me wants to share in this with you. These events and more.’ God willing, you’ll want to be with me as I do you. Spend time with my family and friends. Let me court you as you deserve…
She lowered her gaze to the table for a moment, before her eyes met his. ‘Would you like to join me and my associates in a rally tomorrow? It will be our last chance to do something before the city is taken over by Coronation celebrations.’
He smiled, pleased she’d extended an invitation that showed she wanted to let him in. ‘I’d love to.’
He sipped his water and glanced again at her hand, itching to curl his fingers around hers, but he refrained. Despite her flirtation when she’d arrived, self-preservation and control lingered in her words. No matter how long it took, he would wait to hold her again, wait to make love to her, but, one day, he was certain, she would open to him and let him witness her vulnerability as he vowed she would see his.
Today.
‘I want you to trust me, Esther.’ He stared deep into her eyes. ‘I’ve made no secret that I’d like to spend more time with you, but I understand your reservations. I understand my children affect your feelings, your decision of whether to deepen things between us, and I respect that.’
Her eyes glistened beneath the lights and Lawrence’s heart quickened. Tears.
‘Don’t cry. To see your tears will undo me. The last thing I want is to upset you.’
‘You misunderstand.’ She shook her head and inhaled, her chest rising and then falling as she blew a soft breath. ‘Part of me wishes I hadn’t wanted to come here. That my heart hadn’t leapt with joy when I read your letter.’ A tear quivered on her lashes, and she quickly swiped at it with trembling fingers. ‘Sometimes I wish I didn’t have such a deep distrust that a man will threaten my need to make a difference, but I can’t… I won’t… give that up, Lawrence. Not even for you.’
Even for me? Was she telling him she was falling in love with him? Did she carry the same niggling certainty they were meant to be together? ‘I would never ask you to stop being who you are. You must believe that.’
‘But how can you promise such a thing? Neither of us can predict the future.’
‘But I can promise it. Abigail wanted a husband, a family and a home and I gave all of that to her. If you want to work and continue to support the Cause, I’d never stand in your way.’
Jenny returned to their table, carrying a tray bearing two flutes of champagne. ‘Here we go, sir. Madam.’ She placed down the drinks and offered them each a menu. ‘I’ll be back shortly for your orders.’
‘Thank you.’ Lawrence took his offered menu and nodded. As soon as the waitress walked away, he faced Esther once more. ‘I want you to trust me, to explore where we can go together. Tell me you want that too, and I’ll tell you who I really am. After that, if you wish to walk away and not look back, I promise to never bother you again.’
She frowned, wariness seeping into her eyes. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Things happened to me, Esther. Terrible things I fear I shall never fully recover from.’
‘Things bad enough that you think I might want to walk away?’
He closed his eyes. Her tone was clipped, the warmth and desire of moments before replaced with distance. Damn fool. He’d frightened her, but he had to go forward with his truth. To do anything less, would mean he’d lose her anyway.
Opening his eyes, he forced a smile. ‘We’ll enjoy our food and then I’ll tell you everything. If you decide to leave thereafter, it will be with a full stomach, if nothing else.’
‘And if I don’t walk away? If I’m stronger than you give me credit for?’ Determination burned in the depth of her eyes, her shoulders high. ‘What then?’
Passion twisted and turned inside him. ‘Then I’m quite sure if you can find it in your heart to love me, love my children, we’ll not part ever again.’
Please, God, let my every instinct about this wonderful woman be right…