SATURDAY 10 SEPTEMBER

OOH! Antoine has replied!

From: Antoine Roux

To: Lottie Brooks

Subject: RE: RE: I love cheese

Bonjour Lottie,

It is such a super feeling in my liver to hear from yourself.

Firstly, let me break some unsettling news – it has not been a happy time in the world of Antoine. Since we last had internet connections, I have contracted a horrible illness called Gigantic Thumb Disease. It is where my thumbs suddenly grow to be five times as big as is usual for a thumb.

A bit like this …

I feel sad to see myself in the mirror with strange massive thumbs but, as ma mère says, ‘Nobody is perfect!’ and she so correctly see it! Antoine is not defined by his thumbs!

My question to you, Lottie. Will you still consider me a boyfriend even despite my illness?

If you prefer a normal-size thumb, I would not blame you. I would simply make a life-size papier-mâché model of you and throw it into a bonfire.

Anyway, enough of the gigantic thumb chitty-chat! Let me answer your super-interesting questions!

1. I would rather be donkey. Hippos look like they are doing very bad bottom pops.

2. I tried your pickled-onion maize-based monstrosities and found them to be an insult to my tastebuds. You seem to have many disgusting foods in England – what a puzzle of the mind.

3.I enjoy eating both earwax and snot equally, but if I must choose a spoonful of one: snot.

4. When we die, good people become unicorns and bad people become microwaves. Not much else happens.

Tell me about your school? Is it pointless? Do you have friendships? Is there a toilet?

Much of my love,

Antoine x

Despite its sad content, the email made me laugh so much. I was sorry to hear about Antoine’s thumbs, but his mum is right: no one is perfect.

The most concerning part of the email was that he hated Monster Munch. I mean, who hates Monster Munch?! That’s just insanity!!

I looked up Gigantic Thumb Disease on the NHS website and couldn’t find any mention of it. Perhaps it’s so super rare that Antoine is the only case?

It’s hard to know if dating someone with really large thumbs would be a problem for me. I would like to think not, but I guess it’s difficult to say without seeing them in person.

Mum and Dad took us out for lunch as a back-to-school treat.

I’m not sure why they thought going out for lunch would be a fun thing to do because TBH it NEVER ends well. I mean, I’m not the problem. I probably have the best table manners out of the lot of them – but they keep forgetting they have an eight-month-old baby (who is more like an angry monkey) and an eight-year-old son (who is more like a … a … I don’t even know how to describe Toby – he’s almost beyond words).

So, we went to our local pub, the King’s Head, because that’s Dad’s ‘favourite place in the world’ even though it was meant to be a treat for me and Toby – go figure!

Anyway, the problems started when I tried to order from the adult menu and Dad was all like: ‘Lottie, the kids’ menu is £6.99 and includes a drink AND ice cream, whereas an adult pizza is £14 on its own.’

‘So?’

‘So it’s much better value!’

‘Because it’s like half the size, Dad!’

I mean, the menu is for twelves and under, and I’m nearly thirteen FGS – so it’s hardly applicable to me, and the portions are tiny. And by ‘tiny’, I mean ‘MINISCULE’! Barely even enough to feed a flea …

When the food arrived, I was proved right because my pizza was so small you needed a microscope to see it. Then Toby started kicking off because he’d ordered sausage and chips, but because there were peas on the plate that had touched the chips he refused to eat them, and because the sausages had a ‘weird herby taste’ he refused to eat those either.

Meanwhile Bella screamed pretty much the entire way through the meal. Mum put her in a high chair and tried to feed her some sort of jarred pasta baby food and she was fuming. She kept wanting to eat our chips instead and Mum said chips are not a recommended food for weaning babies.

After the waitress had cleared the main dishes away, she brought me and Toby our kiddy pudding, which was ice cream in a bowl with wafers and jelly beans on top.

I said, ‘I’m not eating that! It looks like it’s for a five-year-old.’

Dad reached across the table to take it. ‘Well, don’t worry – I’ll eat it then.’

I grabbed it quickly away from him. He should know that I’m only being annoying on purpose. Then I ate it while hiding behind a menu.

Bella was still screaming the place down, and by that time Mum had lost the will to live so she just handed Toby’s leftover chips to Bella. But that wasn’t enough – because she wanted Mum’s wine too!

‘There’s no way you are having wine at eight months old, Bella Brooks!’ Mum said crossly.

Bella wailed and started flailing her arms in anger so much so that she knocked Mum’s glass out of her hand, and it went flying across the room and smashed into a million pieces. You should have seen the looks we were getting from the other tables!

Mum was upset because she hadn’t even taken a sip of the wine yet, Dad was upset because it cost £8.50 a glass, I was upset about my doll’s-house-sized dinner, Toby was upset about the pea contamination, and Bella was upset because she was too young for proper chairs/chips/wine. In short, it was a total disaster, so we all ate up quickly and got out of there as fast as we could.

On the way home, Dad said, ‘Well, that was a massive waste of fifty quid!’

He says that every time, but he’ll have forgotten about it in a month and we’ll be back again trying to enjoy a ‘nice family meal’. I don’t know why he keeps trying – it’s really NOT POSSIBLE.

Maybe next time he wants to treat me and Toby, he should just give us £25 each and be done with it.

Called Jess for advice about my Antoine predicament …

‘If you liked someone …’ I asked her, ‘would it put you off them if you found out they had really massive thumbs?’

‘Have you had one too many KitKat Chunkys this morning, Lottie?’

‘No … I’m just curious …’

‘Well, it depends how much bigger.’

‘About five times as big.’

‘Well, it might be a bit strange – like, how would you hold hands?’

‘Hmm … dunno …’

‘But ultimately it doesn’t matter – it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Plus, imagine how good they would be at thumb wars!’

‘Jess, you are SO wise.’

‘I know … Now do you have any other hugely important questions or can I get back to doing the Biscuit Face Challenge.’

‘What’s the Biscuit Face Challenge?’

‘It’s where you have to get a biscuit from your forehead into your mouth using only your facial movements.’

‘Ah, well, sorry to interrupt such important business, but I have just one more question … When you die, would you rather be a unicorn or a microwave?’

‘Lottie Brooks, you are seriously weird.’

‘Takes a weirdo to know a weirdo!’

‘True dat.’

THOUGHT OF THE DAY:

I personally think ninety-nine per cent of people would rather be a unicorn, so I think I’d rather be a microwave as I like to be different!