FRIDAY 4 NOVEMBER

3.55 p.m.

I have had a nervous tummy ALL DAY!

People at school keep saying things like ‘Looking forward to your party, Lottie!’ and that makes me feel even more nervous because if they’re looking forward to it and it turns out to be the worst party anyone has been to ever … what then?!

I’ll probably get a new nickname at school … Something like Lottie Bad Party and it will stick forever, and I’ll never be able to have another party again.

Look, it’s Lottie Bad Party. Why is she called that?!. Because she throws the worst parties EVER!!. Ha ha!

I don’t even know what I’m nervous about … actually, yes I do. There are LOADS of things:

  1. 1. Nobody turns up.
  2. 2. People turn up but leave after twenty minutes.
  3. 3. The party gets crashed by mean older teenagers who get drunk and then trash our house.
  4. 4. My dad embarrasses me in front of everyone by putting on a slideshow of my naked baby photos.
  5. 5. Toby starts trying to sell guests his bottled farts.
  6. 6. None of the fireworks go off except one tiny rocket that makes a pathetic bang.
  7. 7. The hot dogs are undercooked, and everyone gets food poisoning.
  8. 8. I burn my hand really badly on a sparkler and have to go to hospital.
  9. 9. Daniel doesn’t turn up.
  10. 10. Daniel turns up and kisses another girl in front of my face!

I honestly don’t know why people have parties. It’s much more stress than it’s worth. If you’re thinking about having a party, I’d just say DO NOT DO IT. It’s the worst idea you will have ever had, and it’ll only end badly, with lots of crying and potential hospitalization.

Is it too late to cancel?!?!

I could send out a mass WhatsApp telling everyone that I’ve been bitten by a diseased hedgehog or that my leg mysteriously fell off. That’s not a bad idea, actually. Hmmmmmm.

6.04 p.m.

V cold. I’ve been sitting in the garden for two hours, hoping that a hedgehog would come over and bite me but NOTHING.

6.23 p.m.

Mum opened the back door and shouted, ‘What are you doing out there, Lottie?’

I said, ‘Nothing much. Just waiting to get bitten by a hedgehog.’

‘OK, darling. Well, tea will be ready in half an hour!’

I love the way that M&D are now so accustomed to my weirdness that they don’t even question it …

6.29 p.m.

I guess part of the problem is that hedgehogs are pretty placid in nature …

Even if I end up coming across one, it might actually be friendly rather than bitey. I can hardly expect a hedgehog to be violent towards me without good reason …

So my next question is – how do you provoke a hedgehog?!

6.43 p.m.

Decided to stand in the middle of the lawn, shouting insults …

Hey, hedgehogs! You guys are really silly – looking and basically idiots with stupid noses, so there!. That’s a bit unkind! what did we ever do to her?!. I don’t know, Kevin. I just don’t know.

Now I just have to wait for them to come out and fight me.

6.48 p.m.

Had to come indoors. The next-door neighbours were standing at their bedroom window giving me strange looks and I didn’t want them to call the police on me again.

I shall have to revert to Plan B.

Just googled ‘Can your leg just fall off for no reason?’ – turns out it’s unlikely to just ‘fall off’ for no reason, but I guess no one else will know that, will they?

8.25 p.m.

Right, I’m going to message the girls and put an end to this madness!

TQOEG WhatsApp group:

ME: Sorry, everyone, but sadly the party tomorrow is going to have to be cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

AMBER: WHAT?! What unforeseen circumstances?!

ME: Unfortunately, the circumstances are that my leg has fallen off.

JESS: Your leg has fallen off?!?

ME: Yes, that’s correct.

POPPY: Well, you had two legs at school.

ME: Yes, I know … It fell off on the way home.

MOLLY: How?!

ME: I don’t know. It just … fell … off.

MOLLY: Well, how did you get home?

ME: I had to hop.

AMBER: You sound pretty casual about the whole thing, Lottie … Did it not hurt?

ME: A bit.

JESS: A BIT?!?!?

AMBER: Right, so where is your leg now?

ME: I had to leave it on the grassy verge outside Roger’s News as it was too heavy to carry home while hopping.

AMBER: So, if I go down to Roger’s News, I’ll find your leg there, will I?

ME: Ummm, well, I guess someone may have thrown it in the bin by now … Look, can we please stop with the relentless questions. I think I’m still in shock.

AMBER: Oh, for goodness’ sake, Lottie, stop being ridiculous. Legs don’t just fall off outside a newsagent’s! You’re just feeling nervous about your party tomorrow, aren’t you?

ME: No.

AMBER: Lottie …

ME: OK, yes. Please make it stop!

AMBER: It’s going to be SO MUCH FUN! I promise.

MOLLY: The FUNNEST party EVER!

POPPY: What they said Backhand Index Pointing Up emoji

JESS: Party Popper emoji

ME: You’d better be right!!

10.33 p.m.

Lying in bed feeling really bad about being mean to the hedgehogs … I’d best go and apologize or I’ll never be able to sleep!

I’m so sorry, hedgehogs. I didn’t mean it. I love you really …. YAY!. Woohoo!

THOUGHT OF THE DAY:

I wish legs did just randomly fall off and that hedgehogs did bite!