Chapter 49

An hour later, Sol is still lying in bed staring into the darkness. She decides to try to get some of the stuff out of her head by writing in her journal again.

Dear God,

What if Janice’s kidney transplant fails??!! Can you help her? Am I supposed to help her? If I’m a match, I think I would do it. You would make me brave and able to do it. Encourage Shyla’s heart. You are the healer. I feel so helpless, but I know you said to bring our cares to you. And you showed us all the time you were here on earth that you want to heal people and you care about our physical bodies. Please help!

I also need help on what to do with all these thoughts about my identity. Help me sort them out and get the understanding and answers I need. I was raised as a white person, but now I find out I’m only a half-white person. And in this country, that makes me black, or at least biracial (a term I hate). But I look mostly like a white person, so people treat me like a white person. So I don’t have the same experience as other black people. Seriously, who am I? I know I am your child, but it matters who my biological family is too, right? Of course it matters. But do I do something different? I have a whole new family through Janice. But do they want me? How could they give me up in the first place? Aunt Jackie wanted to keep me, at least. It seems really convenient that Janice got married and was able to pay off all that debt and was able to have and keep Shyla. Did she ever think about me? She says yes. I mean, she seems nice, but what kind of mom gives up her baby? Would Aunt Jackie taking me have been better than Dad taking me? Why couldn’t he just stay with Mom? Maybe he’s really the one to blame in all of this. But then I wouldn’t be here at all. I guess it would be different if Dad hadn’t died so at least I could have had one biological parent raising me. But who could have known that he would die?

I know I have to trust you, God. You knew everything and you know everything. But what do you want me to do now? There’s no going back. I guess most families these days are unusual anyway. No one even uses the terms “broken family” or “blended family” anymore. We are all just making it work. I guess what’s good for me is that I have more people to connect with, not less. Of course my white family is all based on a lie, but then again, my sisters were lied to also. I mean, Dove doesn’t even believe it. I wonder if Mom talked to her yet. I’m glad she’s at least admitting it’s her responsibility. I didn’t ask to be adopted into this family or to have it be a secret. What about Mickey? I wonder if he knew. He has always been a great stepdad/father to us, but is this something he even knew about? I’m sure both sets of our grandparents had to know that Mom was never pregnant with me. They were at least complicit in the cover-up. I don’t remember them ever treating me differently. Or did they not know the whole story? Every time I talk to Mom and get some answers, somehow I wind up with more questions.