Chapter 50

It’s 9:00 a.m. and this is her third trip to the coffee machine already. Sol is struggling to stay awake after her sleepless night. The coffee isn’t helping. She doesn’t have any school visits on the schedule today, so at least the kids won’t catch her falling asleep in class. She tries to stay on her feet and move around as much as possible to stay alert. She makes a loop by Willow’s desk for the fifth time, and Willow asks if she wants to grab lunch.

“Oh, wow, it’s still morning, isn’t it? How will I make it through this day?” Sol asks. “Yes, let’s do it! I have to stay awake!”

They go to a café down the street with patio seating. After Willow decides on a new dish she has been wanting to try and attempts to talk Sol into getting the other one she wants to try, Willow turns to Sol with a concerned look. “I’m worried about you, Sunshine of my Life. Tell me what’s going on.”

“What do you mean?” Sol replies, surprised. She wasn’t ready for a heart-to-heart talk.

“You’re walking around like a zombie, and you are running yourself ragged with all this travel and extra work projects. It’s like you’re trying to avoid having a conversation.”

Sol looks at her blankly. “Oh.”

“So? What’s really going on? Are you avoiding me and/or our whole family?” Willow’s look is part hurt and part empathetic.

Tears well up in Sol’s eyes, but she wills them back down. She takes a deep breath and decides to try to be as truthful as possible. “Oh, Willow, I’m sorry. Don’t take it personally. I guess I am kind of avoiding you all right now. I just have a lot of questions. And every new question leads to another question. I’m so glad you love me and have been supportive. This is just such a weird time, and I don’t really know how to handle it. I just started looking at some of the support groups for different things like people who found out they were adopted when they were adults or people who got unexpected DNA results. They all say it’s a trauma. So I guess I’m going through trauma, but it’s so unusual it’s not like there are a lot of people that can relate. And I can’t help feeling like I don’t belong anywhere. I know you love me, but it’s really hard. And then to have Janice going through this health crisis right now too, I’m so caught up in that. And not only that, I find out my mother is black, which doesn’t really change anything, but it does add a new aspect to my identity, and how do I deal with that?”

Willow has been listening with a concerned look on her face but now seems to shake Sol’s concerns off with a move of her hand. “Oh, Sol, I know it’s a lot. But we love you! You’re our family! That’s all that matters!”

“That’s not all that matters!” Sol snaps at her.

Willow recoils at Sol’s tone.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Will, I just can’t sleep with all this on my mind, and it’s made me so edgy. I know you love me, and I love you too. We are sisters and nothing can change that. But it’s a lot more complicated.”

Just then their food arrives, and they eat in silence for several minutes. “I appreciate you checking on me. I know you want to help me,” Sol finally says.

“I do! But I don’t know how. Should I just focus on the fact that nothing has changed in our relationship, or should I try to talk about all the changes you’re going through? Or should I just distract you by talking about something else? This jackfruit ‘pulled pork’ sandwich is amazing, by the way. Do you want to try it? Too bad you got the quiche instead of that Thai sweet potato bowl. You know I wanted both of them!”

“Yeah, I guess I just had to go for the comfort food today. I’m not feeling like I need to shake anything else up right now.” Sol takes a bite of Willow’s sandwich. “That’s pretty good though!

“How can you help me? I don’t know exactly. I’m just trying to figure everything out myself. Of course I don’t want you to treat me any differently or walk on eggshells like I’m about to break any second. Did you all know anything about me having a different mom or did you ever suspect it? These are some of the questions that are going through my head. Like who in the family knew and kept this from me all these years.”

Willow finishes chewing and says, “No, Sol, I wasn’t even born when all that happened. How could I have known? I mean, it’s not like anyone told me and asked me to keep it secret. When you were looking through pictures at Mom’s house the other day, it did seem weird that there weren’t any of Mom pregnant with you, but it’s not so weird to not have a complete photo chronology of your life. There were pictures of her holding you when you were just an infant. I mean, we do look a little different, but it’s not like I look really similar to Dove either. You know, looking back, there are some things that may have been strange, but I definitely didn’t think anything of them at the time.”

“Well, that’s good. I can’t stand thinking that you and Dove were lying to me too. What things are standing out to you now?” Sol is looking for any and all information that will help her piece things together.

“Remember when Dove started to get all into our family’s genealogy because of that class project she had? This was when the websites were just starting, so it’s not like it is now. But didn’t she try to go downtown and do a records search at the courthouse or something? And Mom was saying she couldn’t take her, and they got into an argument about it. I wonder if Mom was afraid she was going to find something out. I don’t know why Mom didn’t just tell you. I mean, you’re a grown woman. And now for it to come out like this just makes it harder!” Willow takes a huge bite of her sandwich and offers Sol a sweet potato French fry.

“Oh yeah, I had forgotten about that. Did you know Mom told me they give you a fake birth certificate when you get adopted? Wait, I wonder if we got a new birth certificate with Mickey as our father. Now that would be really weird.” Sol almost laughs thinking that she and Willow could relate as adoptees with fake birth certificates.

“That would be so weird! Another thing I remember was Grandpa Sipinski sometimes saying things that didn’t make sense. And I don’t think he ever forgave Dad for leaving Mom. He never really shared happy memories like the rest of the family. You know how sometimes he would start talking on and on about what a father and a husband is supposed to do. I thought maybe it was because we were starting to get into serious relationships and he didn’t want us to marry the wrong guy, but now I can see how he could have been talking about Dad.”

“Ugh, you’re right. But wait, do you think that Mickey knew?” Sol helps herself to three more fries from Willow’s plate.

“Oh my gosh, I’m sure he knew! But maybe not. Sol, you have to talk to Mom and ask her all your questions.”

Sol sighs. “I know. Every answer I get leads to more questions.”