Friends. You’d trust them with your life, and they’ve heard stuff you’d never consider telling anyone else. When something terrible happens, your first instinct is to call them. But when friends know all each other’s secrets and quirks, they’re able to hurt each other like no one else can. Your friends can be great at helping you deal with stress. Other times, friends are the stressors.
When friends involve you in their conflicts. It’s hard to know how to react when other people impose their problems on you. Sure, it’s not fair when others expect you to get involved in a conflict you’re not part of. And it can be difficult to know what to do when you constantly have to hear about someone else’s personal issues. It may be tempting to yell “Will you just shut up already about Nicole and your stupid boyfriend? Why do you think I care?” Needless to say, venting like that will only make everyone involved even angrier.
However, you could take a more tactful approach by being assertive and calmly stating your point of view. “Shannon,” you could say, “I’m sorry about this fight, but it’s between you and Nicole, and nobody else. I can’t judge whose fault it is—and frankly, I don’t really want to. Let me know if I can help, but otherwise, can we just not talk about it?” Even if such a response annoys your friends at first, it lets them know where they stand. They’ll probably work out their conflict on their own. And in the meantime, you won’t be stressed out by it.
When you have conflicts with friends. All friends fight. And conflict can be stressful. You may wonder, “Will we ever be friends again? Will she tell the whole school my secrets? What if everybody else sides with her and I lose all my other friends?” In addition to those worries, you may be flooded by emotions of anger, betrayal, and humiliation. It may seem like your whole world is collapsing.
Sometimes you just can’t avoid getting into an argument. However, you can learn ways to deal with conflicts so they end quickly and are less stressful for all involved. Remember, when fighting breaks out, keep your comments fair and civil. More tips for resolving conflict appear here. These tips apply to fights with family members, too.
Dealing with peer pressure. Friends can be a stressor in another way—when they push you to behave in a way that you’re not comfortable. It can be particularly stressful when your peers—the people who are your age—pressure you into making bad choices. Peer pressure can lead to bad decision-making, especially when it comes to the use of drugs, alcohol, or tobacco.
It can be stressful when you find yourself going against the wishes of the group, especially if you want to be liked or to fit in. However, when you know something is wrong for you, let the group know. You might try talking to just one member of the crowd. Perhaps you can get her to agree with your way of thinking. Having the support of one other person can make it easier for you to resist the pressure to do something you believe is wrong.
A University of Pittsburgh study found that among people subjected to stressful laboratory experiments, those who were accompanied by friends had lower heart rates and lower blood pressure than those who came alone. In other words, supportive friends reduce stress.
Do: Explain your reasons carefully. Saying “I was upset when
. . .” is friendlier than accusing with a statement like “You upset me when . . . ”
Do: Listen quietly while the other person is speaking. Instead of interrupting, shouting down, or deliberately ignoring the other person, wait your turn.
Do: Accept responsibility for your role in the argument, even if you’ve been treated poorly. Fights are rarely just one person’s fault.
Do: Remember that one argument doesn’t doom a friendship. If you spend a lot of time with someone, it is natural that you’ll disagree on occasion.
Don’t: Spread gossip. Not only is it unkind, it often just makes things worse.
Don’t: Use blanket statements like “You’re always late,” or “You’ve never cared about anyone but yourself!” Words like always, whenever, and never are dangerous when used in statements accusing others.
Don’t: Complicate things and make the conflict worse by bringing up old arguments, making personal attacks, or attempting revenge.
Don’t: Be afraid to apologize first. Even if the argument wasn’t your fault, that doesn’t matter. What really matters is ending the conflict.
Sometimes laughter is the best medicine. Studies indicate that regular exposure to humor and laughter reduces stress, anxiety, and tension. Researchers at Loma Linda University in California found that laughter decreases the release of two stress-related hormones—adrenaline and cortisol.