Steve was in her garage, hitting the heavy bag with such force and steady concentration that she didn’t hear her mother’s car pull up in the driveway, or hear her call her name, until there she was, standing in the doorway that led from the garage into the kitchen. She just continued to hit the bag with force and determination. She didn’t pause in what she was doing until she saw the lights flicker in the garage and finally turned to her mother. She took off her gloves and hung them up. “Hey.” She was out of breath and sweaty from the brief but intense workout. She took a drink from the water bottle she had on the bench, trying to avoid her mother for as long as possible.
Her mother eyed her shrewdly, however, and asked, “Are you all right?”
Catching her breath, Steve said, “I’m fine. What are you doing here?”
“I just wanted to see you. I’ve tried calling but you haven’t answered my calls. I was hoping you weren’t sick. Hoping maybe you and Lou were just cuddled up somewhere, since I know she has time off right now. And when she didn’t answer my calls either, I thought that must be it. But her car’s not here, so…” Lorraine trailed off, perhaps seeing the pain Steve knew must be visible in her eyes and realizing she’d struck a nerve. “Is everything all right with you two?”
“I need a shower.” Steve started to walk past her mother without answering her last question.
“Stephanie Marie Adams,” her mother called after her, “don’t walk away from me. I want you to answer my question.”
Steve sighed and stopped in her tracks. “Mother, not now. Can we do this another time?”
“Do what? I didn’t come over here for a simple dinner date with my daughter. I came over here because something doesn’t feel right, and I want to get to the bottom of it. Tell me I’m wrong, convince me of it, and I’ll go away.” Her mother crossed her arms over her chest and blocked the door to the kitchen so that Steve’s only choice would be to go out through the garage door if she wanted to escape that badly.
“Fine, you want to know what’s going on? I screwed up and she kicked me out. And don’t worry, she’s not answering my calls either.”
“What do you mean you screwed up? Last I saw, you were having a great holiday. What happened after you left my house?”
“I don’t want to go into this, Mom. I just want to put it behind me.”
“Stephanie…” There was a note of warning in her voice that was hard to ignore. Steve had never been able to resist it. She caved every time.
“I was having a panic attack. She came up behind me and put her hand on my neck. I didn’t realize how close she was—I just knew I didn’t want to be touched. I swung my arm back and hit her in the face. Broke her glasses and bloodied her nose. She kicked me out and hasn’t spoken to me since. Now I need to shower.” Her mother stepped aside, stunned, and Steve walked into the house, heading toward her bathroom.
Her mother followed. “And that’s why she hasn’t spoken to you? But it was an accident. I’m sure she must see that.”
“There’s more to it than that.”
Her mother eyed her with a new suspicion. “Has it happened before?”
“No! Jeez, Mom. I don’t hit women. It really was just an accident. I just meant…never mind, I don’t know if she’d want me sharing too much from her past. The point is, I know that what happened probably brought up bad memories for her, and she’s probably seeing the situation more through that than what actually happened. She’s got baggage, Mom, and I’m paying the price for it.”
“Well, so do you. She knows about Cairyn now, I take it?”
“Yeah. I told her everything.”
“And she was willing to stand by you and love you and make room for Cairyn, knowing she would always be a part of you?”
“Yeah.”
“Then whatever her baggage is, if it’s something she needs to let go of, and if you love her, you need to see what you can do about helping her do that.”
“How am I supposed to do that if she won’t talk to me?”
“You’re the romantic one, figure it out.”
“I don’t think a romantic gesture is going to get me out of this. This is much deeper than that. This goes back to childhood.”
“I suspected as much. Just let her know you love her and will stand by her and help her unpack all that baggage.”
“I don’t think it’s going to be that simple. Would be nice, though.”
Her mother put her hands on her shoulders. “Darling, sometimes you have to fight for the things that matter, instead of standing on the sidelines and letting them happen. Isn’t that why you joined the Army in the first place?” Steve started to speak but her mom cut her off. “And don’t tell me it’s not the same thing, because it is. The only thing better than love of country is love of family, and she’s family. Don’t you give up on her.” Her mother kissed her on the cheek, and Steve held tightly to her.
It only took a moment for Steve’s tears to flow and for the sound of her sniffles to echo in the room.
“You just cry it out, baby, just cry it out.” Her mother began to slowly sway back and forth as Steve cried the first time since Cairyn’s death.
* * *
Later that night after her mother left, Steve was having a restless sleep. She still hadn’t found her necklace, and it had always served as a talisman to ward off any bad dreams. Without it, sleep didn’t come easily and she hadn’t had a restful night since Christmas. Tonight was no exception. Her dreams shifted from when she’d heard the news that Cairyn had taken her life, to the time before when she had tried but had been found by Lorraine. Steve hadn’t been able to make it home for that and she had always regretted it. She had called Cairyn as much as she could, which wasn’t that often, but there wasn’t anything she could do about that. When she would call, Cairyn didn’t say much, other than that she missed her. And she’d cried a lot. Steve would cry with her and apologize for being gone. It was all she could do, really. For the first time since she had joined the Army, she’d wanted to walk away from it. She wanted to leave the battles for someone else to fight, since she had one more important at home. But she had signed her name and her life over to the US government, and she had to see it through.
This night, she dreamed of the hospital where Cairyn stayed after her first attempt. She saw her in her bed, in her hospital gown, sitting up, her lustrous brown hair a mess, a bemused smile on her face. Steve didn’t know why her brain was showing her this—she had never seen Cairyn in the hospital. She didn’t even think it had been described to her. But she was curious what was going to happen, so when Cairyn held up her hand to her and beckoned her over, she went and took Cairyn’s hand in hers, then leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. When she got close to Cairyn, she immediately smelled a faint hint of coconut and vanilla, the soap she preferred, and Steve breathed it in, holding on to it for as long as she could.
After a moment, she stood up and smiled at her fiancée. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come before.”
Cairyn gave her a forgiving smile. “It’s okay. You had a job to do. I just, I couldn’t…”
Steve squeezed her hand. “I know, honey, I know. It’s okay.”
“Do you? Do you understand?”
“I think I do. You needed me at home and I let you down. I promised to always be there for you and I let you down.” Steve looked away. She had too much guilt to look Cairyn in the eyes.
“Oh God, no, baby, no, that’s not it.” Cairyn grasped Steve’s hand firmly in hers and tried to get Steve to look at her. “You were always there for me.”
“You’re just saying that to make me feel better, but if I was always there for you, why did you do what you did? Why couldn’t you handle being alone? Whatever it was doesn’t matter, though—I said I would take care of you, and I didn’t, and this is my fault.”
“My God, do you have to take credit for my death?” Now Cairyn sounded frustrated and released Steve’s hand. “Can’t I have one thing that’s mine? Steve, I did this…me. This was a choice I made because I just couldn’t handle things anymore. I know it sounded like I was blaming you, but I wasn’t. Steve, I’m sorry I put that guilt on you. That wasn’t right.” Now her look softened and she reached for Steve’s hand again.
“But some of the blame is mine, though.”
“No, it’s not. You didn’t give me my demons, others did. I had been fighting them all my life. When I met you, I thought I had things under control, and you…I thought you were my knight in shining armor. You were so brave and strong, and I thought you would be my anchor, so I clung to you. Then when you shipped out, I was adrift.”
Tears choked Steve’s voice when she said, “I know.”
“Listen. I was adrift because I had never learned how to anchor myself. I had no right to put that on you. I am so sorry, honey. I really hope you can forgive me.”
The tears were now dripping off Steve’s face onto her shirt and she wiped them away. “There’s nothing to forgive.”
“Yes, there is. I know what’s been happening to you. I know about the nightmares and the panic attacks. I know how you ran away from the Army. You have to stop running, Steve.”
“I didn’t go AWOL. I served my time is all. I left the proper way.”
“Doesn’t mean anything, and that’s not my point.”
“I needed to grieve. And with the panic attacks, I wasn’t fit anymore.”
“They would have let you do therapy, if you’d worked with them. But you didn’t tell them, did you? You did your time, then got out as soon as you could.”
“I got help, Cairyn. They’re much better than they were.”
“Yes, they are. But they are still holding you back, keeping you from moving on. You lost my necklace for a reason, Steve. Don’t you realize that?” There was such love in Cairyn’s deep brown eyes, and they glistened with unshed tears.
“You know about that?”
Cairyn chuckled softly. “Oh, honey, this is a dream. I’m just a part of you—you know that. And I know everything. I can see your heart. I know you’re grieving right now, but it’s not for me. You don’t need that necklace to hold on to me. You know I’m always here, whenever you close your eyes. But she’s a part of you too now. It was time to let go of the necklace, but don’t let go of her.”
Steve let out a strangled cry. “But how can I do that when she won’t talk to me?”
Cairyn laughed again. “Steve, I’m dead, what are you asking me for?” Steve let out a surprised laugh. “You know where she lives, you know where she works, you know where she’s going to be New Year’s Eve. You’ve always been romantic—figure something out.”
“You and my mother, I swear, you both think I’m some romantic hero or something. But there are worse things, I guess.”
“Who was it who got one of her security guard buddies to let us up on the roof of the tallest building in Oklahoma City one Fourth of July so we could watch fireworks? Huh?” Cairyn grinned and merriment danced in her eyes as she teased Steve.
“I suppose so.”
“You suppose so.” Cairyn shook her head in exaggeration, then said softly, “Steve, come here.”
Steve stepped closer and sat down in the chair that was next to the bed so that she could lean in. “I’m here.”
“Let me go, Steve. It’s time.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. It’s okay—I’ve got this. It’s okay.”
“No.” Steve whimpered, then put her head on the side of the bed, clutching Cairyn’s hand.
Cairyn delicately disengaged her hand and ran it through Steve’s hair. “It’s okay, baby, it’s okay. It’s okay…”
Steve woke up with a start, her face wet with tears. Instinctively, she reached over to the nightstand for the Capricorn pendant, but her hands came up empty. Instead, they found a small box, the box from Lou that held the necklace she had given her at Christmas. She sat up and reached for the box, then turned her bedside light on, automatically blinking at the sudden glare. She opened the box and looked at the five diamonds that represented the five star points in Cassiopeia and ran her finger over them delicately and started to smile. She gingerly took the necklace out of its box and put it around her neck, shivering at the coldness of the metal as it touched her neck. Then she put the box back on her nightstand. She put her hand over the constellation and sighed, then lay back down and closed her eyes.