“OH, COME ON—don’t look like that,” her mother scolded as she slowly tottered toward the front door of Jake’s house. “It’s a birthday party. Parties are fun! You always loved Jake’s family, and they love you. And then there’s Mika! Is there a cuter baby on earth than him?”
Rory closed her eyes against the sudden and unforgettable memory of holding her tiny, lifeless baby boy. He hadn’t had time to grow to be a pretty, plump, full-term baby. Hadn’t lived to grow to be an adorable one-year-old. But for her he would always be the most beautiful baby in the world.
She tried to concentrate on the tree line higher up the hill behind the house, shoving down the image and the memory.
“Mika is very cute—no doubt about it. But, like I said before, it would be better for me to just leave you here and come pick you up later. Can’t you understand that it’s hard for me to spend time with Jake?”
“No, I can’t. You two were together for a long time, and I believe with all my heart that you’ll be happier if you bury the hatchet and become friends again. I’ve lived long enough to know that you can’t carry bad feelings around in your heart forever without it affecting your whole body. Poor digestion...your liver...high blood pressure and heart problems. Why, Sam Abbott got diabetes just from worrying too much about money and his business.”
Rory bit her tongue. Resigned to her fate for the afternoon, she carried the shopping bag of wrapped gifts she’d gotten on her trek to Fairbanks and helped her mother up the stone steps as a few fat snowflakes began to float from the cloudy sky onto their heads.
They crossed a wide wooden porch that bore zero resemblance to her mother’s small, creaky and listing front stoop. It gleamed with what looked like a new coat of polyurethane, and four comfortable-looking rocking chairs with plush pillows sat on either side of the front door. She wondered if Jake left them out all winter or took them to a shed somewhere, and then decided that the less she knew about how Jake lived in his new home with his new baby, the better.
She knocked on double doors painted a deep forest green, and Beth Hunter opened them with a smile. “Rory! Wendy. So glad you could make it. I can’t believe you knocked on the door, though. You’re like family, after all.”
Family. It had felt that way, once, hadn’t it?
They stepped across an oblong rug woven in the traditional Alaska Native style that graced so many homes in Eudemonia and elsewhere, and into a room with a vaulted ceiling made of pine logs. The space was nearly as big as her mother’s entire house, but even with the high ceiling it somehow felt cozy. Possibly because a crackling fire blazed in the large stone fireplace and large, overstuffed sofas and chairs sat on either side of it.
But the biggest reason it felt cozy was because it was full of people. Jake’s immediate family, plus cousins and lots of neighbors, sat and stood everywhere, talking and smiling. Balloons bobbed gently around the room, and a table holding platters of all kinds of food sat beneath one of the large windows, perfect for letting in what light was available during gray days and dark winters.
Rory stood there, absorbing the feel of the place. Warmth. Happiness and pleasure. A place you could count on as being a respite—a place you wanted to be, no matter how tough the outside world had become.
Much like Jake himself.
Her gaze roamed the beautiful room until it landed on the man who owned this house, who’d said he’d helped design and build it. He stood in the center, big and handsome, with a relaxed smile on his face. Mika was curled into Jake’s muscled arm, one small fist hanging on to the collar of his daddy’s yellow polo shirt.
A mix of emotions fluttered in Rory’s heart. Sadness, envy and, yes, a warm and real happiness for Jake. He deserved to have everything he wanted in life and it looked like he was nearly there, with his home in Eudemonia, his clinic practice, his beautiful son. At some point he’d be sure to marry, and the hollowness that filled Rory’s chest at that thought told her it was a very good thing she’d decided to stay in Los Angeles for good, so she didn’t have to see who he chose to be his bride.
“Jake! Look who’s here!” Beth called.
He lifted his gaze and she could see his smile falter before he shored it up again. Maybe someday everything that had happened between them, and his anger toward her because of it, would be so far away as not to matter anymore. She hoped so. For her sake, and for his, she hoped with all her heart that there’d come a time when being around each other didn’t bring to the surface feelings and memories they both wanted to forget.
He walked toward her with that easy gait of his, and with one hand reached for her mother’s coat. “Thanks for coming, Wendy... Rory. My mother tells me a first birthday party is all-important, so I’m glad you’re here to help celebrate.”
“Oh, they’re just so cute as little ones. No need for any other entertainment when there’s a toddler around, is there?” her mother said, beaming. “Is he walking yet?”
“A couple teetering steps, then back down. I keep holding my breath, thinking he’s going to bang himself hard somewhere when he falls, but he’s like a rubber ball. Just rolls with it.”
“I’ll take Mika so you can get Rory and Wendy something to drink,” Beth said, reaching for the child. “Help yourselves to food, then he can open his presents before we have cake. I don’t want to rush things along too much, but the forecast is for a storm moving in. Look, it’s starting to snow already. We need to give our out-of-town friends plenty of time to drive home before it comes down harder.”
“There’s barely any right now, Mom. And I doubt the storm’s going to bring much snow this time of year,” Jake said, handing over the smiling baby. “But I agree that you should grab some of the Sloppy Joes my dad made, Wendy. They’re the best. He’s in Anchorage for a conference, and not happy he couldn’t be here, so he made them for everyone else to enjoy.”
“I’ll be sure to have some, then. I didn’t even know your dad likes to cook.”
“Only very selective things, Wendy, believe me,” Beth said, chuckling. “Come on over here and sit down.”
Rory watched her mother move away to chat with Linda and some other folks, then looked up at Jake. “Your house is beautiful. You must be proud of it. So it’s probably wrong of me to tell you I don’t want to be here.”
“Because my son’s turning one and ours would have turned nine this past spring?” he asked in a quiet voice, shocking her. He knew exactly what she’d been thinking.
“Yes,” she whispered. “That and other things.”
“What other things?”
She wouldn’t tell him that she couldn’t get that kiss off her mind. It barely even counted as a kiss, really, since he’d been frustrated and angry with her when it had happened and it had lasted all of one second. Shockingly, though, that briefest touch had reminded her of all the kisses they’d shared. And, if she was honest, she’d like another one—or more. But that would be the worst idea ever. What was the point of kisses that would make her feel even more lonely after she was gone?
“Nothing. Never mind. I’m going to get some food for Twinkie.”
She could practically feel him watching her as she moved away, and she hoped he wouldn’t notice that someone had gotten her mom a plate of food which she was already enjoying as she talked with her friends. Probably she should eat something, too. But her stomach felt a little queasy.
She’d just decided a carbonated soda might do the trick when Beth stepped in front of her, looking a little harried.
“Rory, can you take Mika for a minute? One of the kids spilled red punch on the throw rug in the kitchen. I want to get some water on it before it stains, and I see Jake just went outside to get another load of firewood.”
Before she could answer the child was thrust into her arms. She reacted instinctively, reaching out and then pressing his small, warm body close against her. For a second she hesitated, and then, with a sigh, let her cheek rest against his temple. His wonderful scent—all powder and milk and sweet baby—filled her nose, and she closed her eyes and breathed him in.
She’d expected that holding him like this would make her feel emotional. And she did. But they weren’t the kinds of emotions that hurt. Yes, her throat closed a little, but what she felt was mostly a strange calm. A quiet joy. The same deep feeling of happiness for Jake that had filled her earlier.
What an amazing blessing a healthy child was. This little boy who’d so tragically lost his mother was beyond fortunate to have become a part of the Hunter family—and they were beyond fortunate to have him.
“Your daddy is a special person—you know that, don’t you, Mika?” she whispered, moving her cheek to his soft hair. “You’re a lucky boy to get to spend your life with him. So lucky.”
He must be feeling tired from all the company and activity, because he laid his head against her shoulder, poked his thumb into his little rosebud mouth and closed his eyes. She looked down at the fan of dark lashes against his round cheeks, breathed in the smell of him again and let her heart ache and warm at the same time.
She gave herself up to enjoying the moment as long as she could. As long as it lasted.
“Sleepy, little guy?” she murmured as she swayed back and forth. “I’ll hold you while you get some rest. You’ve got big stuff going on today, with your birthday cake and all those presents waiting for you to open them. I got you some books for your daddy to read to you, and a little drum so you can drive him crazy. I hope you like them.”
“Did you say a drum?”
The low, deep voice in her ear had her lifting her head, then turning her face to see Jake’s, just inches from hers. He smelled of the outdoors, and ever so slightly of musky woodsmoke, and of him.
“Um...yeah. I looked for a horn, or a tambourine, but I had to settle for a drum. It’s only plastic, though, so not super-loud. Darn it.”
“I don’t know what I ever did to you to deserve that kind of punishment.”
“Nothing. You know that.” She faced him, and the humor of their conversation fell away as that familiar hollow feeling made her stomach hurt. “I’m the one who deserves the bad stuff. But don’t worry—I live with it every day.”
“Rory—”
The sleepy baby lifted his head, blinked, looked up into Rory’s face and started whimpering. Relieved that she didn’t have to listen to whatever empty platitudes Jake had been about to offer, or hear him lambast her like he had before, she handed the child to him and quickly moved away to sit near her mother.
Cake was being served, and everyone was laughing at the way Mika used both fists to pick his piece up from the highchair tray and stuff it into his mouth, enthusiastically licking at his messy lips and fingers.
Grinning, Jake took a video of the moment, and Rory couldn’t help but think about Jake and Mika watching it together and laughing when the boy was older, about the bond the two of them were already forging.
After Mika had eaten as much as possible, and gotten bored with smearing icing around his tray, Jake and his mother cleaned the child up, sat him on the floor and let him rip the paper off his gifts. It was clear that some of the presents weren’t quite as interesting to him as the paper, and everyone enjoyed the fun of watching him.
Glad she’d been able to melt toward the back of the room, Rory managed to chuckle along with everyone else, even as she kept glancing at her watch, wondering how long they’d have to stay.
It was beyond hard to watch Jake with Mika and see what an absolutely great father he was—to see the light in his eyes when he looked at the baby, to see an indulgent smile of such love on his face. It squeezed her heart so hard she thought it might bleed.
Yes, she’d seen Jake and Mika together since she’d come back, but not quite like this. Playing and teasing and laughing. Jake picking him up to hug him and kiss him. The baby wrapping his small arms around his dad’s neck and hanging on tight.
This was how Jake would have been with Adam. How Adam would have been with Jake. How they’d have all been together, as a family. Staring at Jake now, at his handsome face and beautiful smile, she realized for the first time since she’d come back, really admitted it to herself, that she’d never stopped loving her best friend.
She was about to turn to her mother and suggest they go, so she didn’t have to think about all that anymore, when Jake handed the baby the gift she’d brought and sent her a grin.
“I think I already know what’s in here, Dr. Anderson. And it scares me.”
“Maybe he’ll like the paper more than the present.”
“Probably no such luck.”
Jake helped Mika open the gift, picked up one of the rubbery plastic drumsticks and tapped the drum a few times. Mika’s eyes lit, and he immediately grabbed both sticks and starting pounding on it.
Everyone in the room howled.
Beth covered her ears and said, “Rory Anderson! Did you give him that?”
“Um...guilty as charged. Sorry. I couldn’t decide what to get him, and I thought it would be fun.”
“That’s a clear fib,” Jake said. “You thought it would torment me.”
“Maybe.”
Their eyes met, and they shared a small smile that banished some of the melancholy she’d been feeling the past half hour. Mika moved on to whacking the sticks as hard as he could on the hardwood floor, then stood to stagger a few steps to the rustic wooden coffee table, wildly swinging the sticks against the side of it.
“Um...maybe I should have thought this through a little more,” Rory said, feeling sheepish about possible furniture destruction.
“Maybe you should have,” Jake said, but the brown eyes meeting hers still smiled. “Well, he probably can’t do a lot of damage with those sticks. And I already told you I’ve baby-proofed the house pretty well.”
Rory let her gaze travel over the planes of his face, memorizing them all over again since this might well be the last time she saw him. Her mother was more functional every day, and even her extended stay wouldn’t keep her here more than another week. Getting back to LA as soon as her mom was able to fully take care of herself had to be her priority. Much as she was enjoying talking with Jake and being near him, she knew it would just make it all the harder to leave.
She made herself turn to see how her mom was doing. “You feeling tired, Twinkie? Ready to go home?”
“I guess I am a little tired. Oh, but it’s been a fun day, hasn’t it? I’m so glad we came.”
“It’s been good.” Which was something she hadn’t expected was possible when they’d been getting ready to come today. Maybe, as she’d thought before, this closure on a more positive note between her and Jake would be a good thing for both of them. “I’ll go get your coat.”
As she walked toward the front closet she could see Jake watching her, and then Beth stopped her progress.
“I have some food on the kitchen counter for you to take home with you. It’ll be good for a few meals, and then you can freeze some of the Sloppy Joe meat for Wendy to eat after you’re gone.”
“Thank you. Everything was so good, and it’s always nice for her to have stuff ready to eat that she can just thaw.”
“Also...” Beth lowered her voice. “Do you still want me to talk to your mom about going to LA with you for the next few months? I’d be happy to, since I think it’s a very good idea.”
“That would be great.” More than great, as then they’d be able to leave soon, solving all kinds of problems. “Could you talk to her while I go to the kitchen? I’ll hang around in there for a bit, so she doesn’t feel like we’re ganging up on her and thinks that it’s your idea. Then we’ll go, because I think she’s getting tired.”
“I’ll talk with her right now.”
Rory found her way to the kitchen, curious to see how Jake had designed it. It had an open feel, like the living room, with a large center island with stools, light-colored cabinets, more hardwood flooring and big windows. It was the perfect size and the perfect design for Alaska, with its long winter nights and long summer days.
Several containers sat on the counter with her mother’s name on them and she thought about how nice Beth was, always thinking of others. How she always had been. Jake was like that, too. It struck Rory that maybe she wasn’t as much like that as she wanted to be, and just as she was pondering that Jake came into the kitchen to stand behind her.
“Find them?”
“Yes.” Her throat closed at his nearness as she remembered her revelation a short time ago. That she’d loved him practically her whole life and always would. “I appreciate all your mom does for everyone.”
“She does a lot for me, that’s for sure. She takes care of Mika quite a bit, and she planned this party.”
“That’s...good. I’m sure everyone with a baby, especially someone single, needs lots of help.”
Which made her think about him not being single in the future, and how awful that would make her feel. But how could she think like that? She wanted him to be happy, didn’t she?
She’d opened her mouth to say goodbye and hightail it out of there when his hands rested on her shoulders and he turned her around to face him.
“I saw how sad you looked when Mika was opening his presents. I wanted to tell you I was thinking about Adam, too.”
“You were?” She stared up into his brown eyes and saw he meant it. “I... That surprises me. You looked so happy, having fun with Mika.”
“I was happy having fun with him. He’s changed my life, and I’m beyond thankful for that.” He caught her face in his hands. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not still sad for the son we lost. It doesn’t mean I don’t understand how you feel.”
“Thank you,” she whispered, and her hands lifted to his chest, slid to the sides of his neck, even before she’d known she was going to touch him.
Everything she’d felt during the party—all those thoughts about him and how they’d been when they were together, how she’d loved him and couldn’t stop thinking about kissing him—seemed to short-circuit her mind and stop her heart.
“Jake, I...”
“I know. Me, too.”
The eyes staring into hers held something different now. Something hot and alive. And she knew she wasn’t alone in remembering the way they’d loved one another once. The way it had felt when they’d kissed and made love, which had always been so much more than just sex.
Fixated on his beautiful lips, her heart thudding hard against her ribs, she quivered as she watched his mouth lower to hers.
The kiss was sweet and slow and wonderful. A gentle rub of his lips against hers as his arms slipped around her, holding her close against his warm, firm chest. Memories of all the yesterdays when he’d held her this way, of the hundreds of kisses they’d shared, melted her heart and stole her breath.
Her hands moved to his hair, tunneling into the thick softness as the kiss deepened, no longer sweet and soft. His body trapped hers against the counter as the kiss escalated into a passionate tangle of tongues that weakened her knees and had her desperate for more.
This was what she wanted. She couldn’t lie to herself about that. From the first second she’d seen him again she’d wanted to kiss him. Hold him. Have him hold her. Sensations she hadn’t experienced in nine long years overwhelmed her, and she found herself arching into him, feeling his hardness, wanting so much more.
He pulled back, his eyes glittering, his jaw tense. “Rory?”
She tried to speak, but found she couldn’t think of a single thing to say or do other than tug his head down to kiss him again. His hands roamed her body and sent shivers down her spine as his mouth devoured hers with a single-mindedness that felt so intense, she was dizzy from it.
“Jacob! Where are you?”
The sound of his mother’s voice had them stumbling apart. Rory could see his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath, which was hardly a surprise since she felt like she couldn’t breathe at all.
“Uh...” He shoved his hand through his hair and cleared his throat, then took a quick step away from Rory and worked to adjust the front of his pants. “I’m in the kitchen.”
Rory could only imagine what her expression might be like. Jake looked stunned and flushed and she felt that way but times ten. She was about to turn to the sink, to splash cold water on her face, when Beth appeared at the kitchen doorway and hurried toward them.
Something about her expression told Rory that this wasn’t about the party, or their guests, or either one of them. It was clear that something was definitely wrong.