In this chapter we will explore:
Over- or under-eating is another of the most frequent Tiny Ts Themes I see, but it’s often misunderstood. We often call this ‘emotional eating’ and think of it as a way of consuming our negative emotions – the sorrowful sight of lovelorn Bridget Jones burying her heartache in a tub of Ben and Jerry’s easily comes to mind – but this is only one characteristic of what I refer to as ‘Tiny Ts Eating’, the theme of this chapter. Excessive food consumption does indeed happen when we need to be soothed, hence the term comfort eating, but we also over-eat when we feel stressed, bored or even excited! It’s such a common occurrence for a multitude of reasons, including stemming from Tiny Ts, but also due to our innate physiology that drives us to seek out energy-dense foods, modern-day priming that nudges our appetite and a society that still places so much value on physical appearance. But I digress … let’s return to Mo’s story from Chapter 1. He had become a protector for his brother Val in childhood and had come to see me when his doctor warned him that he was heading for a raft of health problems if his eating behaviour didn’t change. However, the pressure from looking out for his brother Val wasn’t the only reason Mo turned to food as stress relief. Here he explains the family and social context in more detail:
I was the oldest of three, Val being in the middle, then Meera was the baby of the family. Mum was a big feeder [laughs] and was always piling on second and third helpings for her boys – but not for Meera. I felt bad for her at the time as Mum seemed like a hawk when it came to Meera and food and would tell her repeatedly, ‘You’ll never find a husband if you get fat!’ This sounds so outdated now, but back then it seemed normal – and normal that the boys and men could eat as much as they wanted, all the time. If you turned food down it was the worst insult on my mum possible!
So yeah, I know I find food comforting, that’s no huge discovery here [laughs]. I wouldn’t be clinically obese if I ate rabbit food [laughs]. But I just don’t know what to do now. I’ve tried everything I can think of – secretly, ’cause you know, I’m a man and my mates would rip the piss out of me if they knew – the low-carb and ketosis plans which made things even worse as I stank to high heaven, not a way to get a second date I can assure you [laughs]. I’ve done all the fasting, 5:2, 16:8, all of that but it just piles back on. I think I need to just accept that I’m a fat bastard now, but I have kids and I don’t want to keel over with a heart attack before I’m 50.’
Indeed, the stakes were high for Mo at this point, and he didn’t lack commitment to change, but he certainly hadn’t yet found the tools to do so.
What exactly is Tiny Ts Eating?
Tiny Ts Eating isn’t merely devouring a pot of ice cream after a break-up, but rather can be associated with the vast range of Tiny Ts. As with every Tiny T Theme, it can be easier to identify from your pattern of behaviour, and the key here is eating when you aren’t physically hungry. See whether any of these eating habits are familiar to you – if many of them touch a nerve, you are likely to have some aspects of Tiny Ts Eating at present.
We all eat for reasons other than physical hunger sometimes, but if these patterns are leading to significant weight gain or loss in the form of Tiny Ts Eating, it is worth trying the AAA Approach to develop a better relationship with food.
When thinking about Tiny Ts Eating, it’s important to consider the context in which it’s emerged. Far from just being a means to survive, food, or rather consumption, can be associated with love, comfort and security, particularly when these emotions are derived from the primary care-giver. Mo was understandably very protective of his family and somewhat defensive, so by exploring how it’s not at all unusual for food to become almost indistinguishable from feelings of comfort and love, we were able to move from a viewpoint of blame, to one of understanding. The aim of uncovering Tiny Ts is not to assign fault, but rather for the purpose of connecting the dots between current issues and our life experiences. In Mo’s case, he did associate food and the act of eating with the comfort of his mother’s patience and warmth at the kitchen table, where he was able to relax after a day of hypervigilance at school. Always keeping an eye on his brother was tough, especially at such a young age.
When growing up, we as children associate this caregiving with food, and subsequently feelings of security and safety are intertwined with eating behaviour. I shared with Mo that research shows women tend to consume less at family meals, reflecting the relative power dynamics in a family with males receiving more sustenance than females.47 Hence, providing and dividing food for a family can be viewed not only as a manifestation of love, but also as a reflection of social roles. Mo was rather surprised at this – he always felt intensely uncomfortable and embarrassed that his sister had been treated differently from the boys in the family. He told me later that knowing that this pattern occurred in other families – many families in fact – took an enormous burden off his shoulders. Mo was beginning to disentangle some of his pent-up feelings, and we know from research that the ability to identify, regulate and express our emotions reduces the tendency to eat them away.48
To help Mo further understand how his emotions impacted on his eating behaviour, I asked him to complete a food and mood diary. This is a very simple exercise that I use with all my Tiny T clients. The task is to write down not only everything you eat, but also what you are doing, who you are with and how your feel both before and after eating. You can use the excerpt below from Mo’s diary as a template to help to remind you to jot down this important information that will raise awareness. Please be as honest as possible here – no one else needs to see this diary. Many people who have Tiny Ts Eating have developed a mindless, almost zombie-like pattern of eating and can be quite shocked when their consumption is documented in this way. Be kind and compassionate here; this is a courageous step into a more liberated life, but the process can trigger some deeply buried feelings. Complete the diary for at least a week, including weekends, as eating behaviours can vary over different days.
Time |
What were you doing, where, with whom? |
Hunger level before and after eating49 |
Food/drink |
Feelings/mood |
Feelings/mood after |
19.30 |
Having a meal with extended family – mum, brother, sister and her family at restaurant |
7 before 3 after |
Shared pizzas, starter of garlic bread and mozzarella sticks, chocolate fudge cake as dessert |
Excited to see family, been a long week at work |
Happy, bit tired |
23.41 |
Alone at home, everyone in bed |
4 before 3 after |
Chocolate bar, tea, biscuits |
Feeling nothing, zoned out |
Low, feeling guilty for eating when I already had a pudding |
Mo completed his diary for two weeks, which was helpful as it allowed us to see the relationship between his feelings, Tiny Ts triggers and eating behaviour more clearly. The above is a snapshot of his diary and pinpointed the most telling aspects of his day. Mo’s eating behaviour during the day wasn’t especially excessive, and this was how he justified the increasing kilos as being due to something outside his control – ‘I really don’t eat more than other people so it must be down to my genes’. However, when it came to the group eating periods, Mo’s Tiny T Eating came into the spotlight. He accepted that it felt almost impossible to turn down food when his family was near – it felt so natural to eat in the presence of his loved ones.
As Mo had his own family now, he saw himself not only as the protector but also as the provider, and he said it felt good to be able to buy everyone a meal and be very generous with the portions. Mo didn’t want to tell everyone he needed to lose weight – he didn’t want them to worry, as they all looked to him as the strong one, so even though he wasn’t particularly hungry before the meal, Mo ate until he was physically uncomfortable. When we explored the feelings part of his diary, Mo could quite easily see that he had positioned himself as the caretaker and protector of everyone in his life, a pattern learnt early on when he had to fend off Val’s school bullies. This identity had become such a core part of him that he felt he could never show any weakness or ask for support from his nearest and dearest. Of course, this is an impossible role to maintain 24/7 and the pressure was almost unbearable. But eating chocolate eased that pressure at the end of the day … in the moment at least.
Can food be an antidepressant?
Certain highly palatable foods like chocolate boost the ‘feel-good’ neurotransmitters such as serotonin in the brain. This has a direct impact on our mood – some researchers go as far as to say that chocolate can act as an antidepressant.50 Other foods and drinks containing a lot of sugar (including ‘healthy’ drinks such as fruit smoothies, as they have a high concentration of fruit sugars) will hike alertness and can also lead to over-excitability. This is commonly followed by a mood crash as the body tries to restore a sense of balance.
Mo’s Tiny T Eating was clearly wrapped around his relationship with his family – but it wasn’t just that food can be a demonstration of love, as it can also be a reward throughout life. We learn through experience which actions are associated with rewards, and on the other hand punishment. This is similar to our exploration of the stress response and how this response can happen automatically when in similar situations to the initial stressful event, but reward and punishment are seen in psychological terms as association by proxy. In other words, we learn the association for how others treat us, rather than from our innate survival reactions. The technical term for this is ‘operant conditioning’, or associative learning, and here our feelings, thoughts and behaviours are reinforced either by praise, the giving of treats and rewards or other positive experiences. Negative experiences are also part of associative learning in the form of punishments and recriminations, which shape our understanding of the world and how we fit into it. Punishments can in themselves create Tiny Ts, when carried out indiscriminately, but even rewards can strengthen patterns of Tiny T Eating as food is so often used and has an immediate and pleasurable effect.
Food was indeed employed as a reward during Mo’s childhood and adolescence for just about any good behaviour he could think of – but particularly when he was a ‘good boy’ protecting his brother and abiding by the societal norms within his environment. Again, this is far from unusual – I remember vividly being given sweets or an ice cream after behaving well at a doctor appointment, boring family events and church! Parents have a blooming difficult job, so, frequently, food is the quickest and most effective way to modify behaviour!
But unlike receiving a gold star, eating activates the ‘reward system’ of our brains.51 Behaviours that increase our chances of survival (whether of the individual or the species) trigger our reward system. The reward system functions when a particular set of structures in the brain are activated in response to the neurotransmitter dopamine. Dopamine makes us feel good … so anything that triggers the release of the dopamine pathway feels rewarding to us. The reward system affects our behaviour as it is hardwired to drive us to actions that release dopamine – i.e. we want to do the same thing again to get the pleasurable feeling. So, by being a ‘good boy’ Mo learnt that he would receive rewards, mostly in the form of highly palatable foods that triggered his brain’s reward system, thus wanting him to continue these types of behaviours not only as a child, but also as an adult. However, always looking after everyone else is a heavy burden, so by the time Mo came to me he was over-eating so much it was severely damaging his health and wellbeing.
By adolescence, Mo had completely internalised his role as protector not just for his brother, but for everyone he cared about in his life. The positive reinforcement he had received in terms of praise, love, worth and food was so rewarding to him that even when the negative side of Tiny T Eating started in the form of high blood pressure, cholesterol and pre-diabetes, Mo could no longer see the distinction between his eating behaviour and his sense of self. He was why he ate. Accepting this as a starting point for change, the second of the AAA Approach was helped by a large dose of self-compassion. Next is an exercise you can do with Tiny T Eating and also when trying to disentangle aspects of your identity that no longer serve you.
Mo was struggling with acceptance and was giving himself a hard time for so many things, including letting his family down, not being strong enough, and of course his weight, so I suggested a mindfulness exercise that focuses on self-compassion. Many aspects of mindfulness stem from more traditional meditation within Buddhism, and here we concentrated on ‘metta’, which means a sense of platonic love, kindness, goodwill, benevolence, peace and harmony. But there’s a twist, so read on.
May _____ (add name) feel happiness and freedom in their life’s journey.
May _____ experience calm, harmony and serenity as they walk through life.
May _____ believe in their inner strength and be able to cope with the challenges life brings.
May _____’s personal suffering diminish and be no more.
May I feel happiness and freedom in my life’s journey.
May I experience calm, harmony and serenity as I walk through life.
May I believe in my inner strength and be able to cope with the challenges life brings.
May my personal suffering diminish and be no more.
This can be an incredibly powerful, if at first uncomfortable, technique to develop self-compassion. Mo was rather irritated when we redirected the sense of metta onto him as he wasn’t used to thinking about himself at all, let alone with love and tenderness! But he stuck with it, in the beginning for his family’s sake, but over time his posture, eye contact and general presence altered, and it was clear that Mo was nailing the second part of the AAA Approach.
Researchers Amanda Brouwer and Katie Mosack conducted a fascinated study that shows us another way to tackle the Tiny T Eating Theme by tweaking our sense of identity through subtle modifications of internal self-talk.52 The aim was to test whether simply adding the ‘-er’ suffix to a healthy intention could actively influence people’s behaviour. One group of volunteers was asked to create a list of identity statements around their health goals – i.e. if the goal was to eat more fruit, they became the ‘fruit eater’, if it was to increase exercise they became ‘exercisers’, and so forth. By tacking on the ‘-er’ suffix, the participants became active ‘doers’ within each of their goals. The result was that the ‘doers’ ate healthy foods more often, and increased their other goal-related behaviours in the month following this identity tweak, compared to those in the control group who had only been given standard nutritional advice.
Managing self-talk and then communicating this new script to others is yet another formidable tool when it comes to shifting identities. This is much more than ‘fake it until you make it’ because our self-beliefs drive our behaviours. However, you may feel nervous about trying out your new identity for the first time – understandably so – therefore it can be helpful to prepare and test the water with a behavioural experiment in the Action phase of the AAA Approach.
Food cravings can feel overwhelming, but they are brief, normally only lasting for a matter of minutes – which is why distraction can be a good short-term method to change eating patterns.53 Although distraction is sometimes seen as an unhealthy way to deal with life’s challenges, when it comes to cravings this is a great strategy as it helps to pass the time until the urge to eat eases. Here are some short, sharp ways to use distraction effectively to shift your attention until the snack-attack impulse passes.
This is one time where I will suggest getting your smartphone out, as playing a mentally challenging game such as Wordle or Tetris will direct attention and cognitive resources away from your preoccupation with food. Of course, you can go retro and find a paper crossword, whichever works for you!
Research has demonstrated that tensing or clenching muscle groups can in turn firm up your willpower, helping to overcome foodie temptation, as well as increasing tolerance for physical pain, make it easier to gulp down yucky medicines and focus on emotionally difficult messages.54 This form of embodied cognition can help particularly when you truly want to make sustainable, long-term changes to eating patterns. So, next time you feel a craving hit, clench a fist and embody your inner Rocky Balboa!
Eating mindlessly on autopilot is a common symptom of the Tiny T Eating Theme, but we can regain control of what we put in our months by using a mental remote control. This is quite a fun technique that you can really play around with. Prepare by imagining you have a remote control in your brain – think about what it looks like, conjure up the buttons including pause, play, fast-forward and rewind. Then, next time you have a craving and find yourself reaching for soothing snacks:
Mentally press the pause button of your internal remote control and freeze the real-life frame – in other words, stop what you’re doing!
Take a moment and step outside yourself by imagining that you’re an observer of this scene.
Next, mentally press ‘play’ and see how this Act 1 plays out – watch yourself from above scoffing the chocolate and think about how this feels. There may be a brief moment of instant gratification, but what follows?
Then, take a deep breath and fast-forward this scene to sometime after succumbing to the craving, perhaps an hour or so after.
You are now in Act 2 of your inner movie. Here, ask yourself: how do I feel? Are you disappointed in yourself? Frustrated, experiencing a sense of self-loathing or guilt? Be honest with yourself about how you usually feel following this eating behaviour. These emotions can be strong but try not to push them away, as they can help you.
Now that you have seen the future, press ‘rewind’ on your remote control and bring yourself back to the present. Replay Act 1 but this time don’t give in to the craving. Instead, evaluate whether you are truly physically hungry or if you’re about to engage in some Tiny T eating, remembering that cravings pass in a matter of minutes.
Ask yourself again: how do I feel? Strong, in control and grounded maybe?
Finally, it’s time to press ‘play’ for real and make a conscious decision on the action you want in your real-life movie. You truly have the ability to change the third Act here and give yourself the final say.
This exercise is all about bringing our thoughts, feelings and behaviours back into our conscious awareness to regain control of our actions, which will impact on our whole life. Hence, you can use this remote control technique not only to overcome zombie-like, mindless eating but also to change everyday habits that no longer serve you.
Because eating is such an integral part of our social world, and intertwined with our sense of identity in relation to others, we can often be fearful of changing how and what we eat in front of our friends, family or other groups of people. Apprehension around teasing, humiliation, worries about offending loved ones or merely wanting to avoid having to explain oneself can be tangible barriers to change. However, these concerns are seldom as bad as we think – so a good way to challenge these perceived obstacles to change is a behavioural experiment.
The biggest challenge for Mo was changing his eating patterns in family situations – he didn’t want them to worry about his health as he was the provider and protector. He also didn’t want to upset his mum by turning down food, and these concerns acted as a significant mental wall to Mo overcoming his Tiny Ts Eating – and this was the important part, these family reactions were Mo’s expectations and predictions. He didn’t have any direct experience of what would happen if he said no to dessert, as he hadn’t yet refused a pudding at a social meal. I so often see similar scenarios, and I have, without a doubt, had to encourage myself to engage in behavioural experiments to test my own assumptions about situations and my own and others’ reactions! Some of the most common issues I see are around saying ‘no’ and building healthy boundaries – for example, people who are at their wits’ end due to people-pleasing tendencies, who fear that they will lose social connections and their roles if they ever say no. Alcohol is also a frequent sticking point for people, where there is a concern that you can’t have fun without a drink, or that a party will be boring, stressful or tedious without oiling the conversational wheels with a drink. Therefore, the behavioural experiment is one of my favourite exercises. With Mo, then, we devised a plan to test his assumptions, which you can do yourself too by following these steps:
First grab a piece of paper and split it into five columns – it’s useful to write this down as the act of putting pen to paper helps to clarify beliefs. It’s also useful to have a hard-core record, as we are experimental scientists here!
Now start by noting down your experimental situation – this is the petri dish in which you will test out your prediction, which is next. See the situation Mo decided to test in the table below.
Next is your prediction, i.e. how you think the situation will unfold. Jot down any difficulties you believe you might face, from whom and in what way they may emerge.
Now that you have your experimental condition and predictions, consider what resources you might also have to handle any of the difficulties that may occur. This is important as we don’t want you to jump in the deep end without a life jacket!
Then, once you’ve carried out the experiment, reflect and document the actual outcome – this should include what happened on the day, others’ reactions and how it all made you feel.
Finally, summarise the take-home message from this behavioural experiment – was there a difference between your prediction and the outcome? This should be what you’ve learnt from the experiment and can carry forward on your journey.
Experimental situation |
Prediction |
Resources |
Outcome |
Take-home message |
We’re going over to my mum’s for our regular Sunday family lunch – everyone will be there including my brother, sister and her family. |
Mum will have spent all morning preparing the food, and she will expect me to eat as I normally do. I could see my brother getting confused and maybe upset if he sees a difference in my behaviour. I think my sister would be worried too and it might cause everyone to be uncomfortable. |
My wife is my greatest resource, so I’ll tell her what I’m doing before we go to lunch so that she can support me if these predictions come up. |
My mum and wider family did notice that I wasn’t eating as much – but what shocked me was that they were relieved. Turns out they were already worried about my weight but thought they’d hurt my feelings if they mentioned it. It was emotional, so it was a bit uncomfortable in that sense as I’m not used to opening up like that. It really opened my eyes to how much pressure I’d been feeling. |
I don’t have to be the strong one all the time. I am strong, but my family want to help me. Maybe I don’t have to wear this mask all the time. |
Mo discovered that his expectations, and his predictions, were far from accurate. Also this experience was not easy; it was definitely challenging for Mo to be vulnerable in front of those he cared for and protected for so long – but he found out that what he thought he was protecting them from was causing some harm in his relationships as he’d prevented his family from being as close to him as he actually wanted.
Therefore, this ‘scientific’ method of prediction testing can allow us to see that even people we think we know inside and out may also be hiding their true feelings from us for the very same reason: to prevent perceived hurt. Taking that first step by experimenting in this way can be a vital part of setting yourself, and your loved ones, free from Tiny Ts.
Dr Meg’s journaling prompts for emotional eating
CHAPTER 7 TAKE-HOME TINY T MESSAGE
Food and eating is intertwined with Tiny T in so many ways – as a form of self-soothing, reward and identity – and is one Tiny T Theme that usually has its starting point in early life. This is unsurprising as we need food to survive, but in a world of easy, round-the-clock access to energy-dense foodstuffs, it has become harder and harder to moderate our consumption. Because so much of our eating behaviour is on autopilot, creating awareness of our eating patterns, developing acceptance and taking action to regain control is key in this Tiny T Theme.