It’s nothing major, nothing big … and you can’t quite put your finger on it, but somehow … you still feel … ‘under’ – underwhelmed, undervalued, underloved. You have a nice enough family, an ok enough job (it’s a job after all), a good enough group of friends. There’s food on the table, there’s shelter, there’s warmth, so, in the hierarchy of needs, you’re doing just fine. But somehow, you don’t quite feel … h-a-p-p-y. And isn’t that the goal that ‘society’ sets us all up for, whether it be enforced through our parents, teachers, friends, the workplace or virtually everywhere you look?
Nothing all that bad has happened in your life … but that’s just the thing: we are taught to ignore the ‘Tiny T traumas’ that gradually and insidiously leave a hollow space, with their undercurrent of constant melancholy and niggling sparks of anxiety, all wrapped up in a film of other people’s Insta-perfect lives.
The vast majority of my clients haven’t suffered from any major early-life trauma such as sexual or physical abuse, living in a war zone or experiencing the death of a caregiver in childhood. But there are always tiny nicks and little bumps along the way that leave an impression. Small wounds, made almost imperceptible by pervasive societal norms that teach us to ‘keep calm and carry on’, accumulate deep within our emotional core and compound like credit card interest. Eventually, this collection of psychological silt impacts on our wellbeing – and although this may not (yet) be all-consuming, many of us sense its gravitational pull into fatigue, low-level anxiety and lack of confidence. The culmination of Tiny T trauma should be ignored at our peril as, unchecked, it can lead to many of our modern-day mental and physical health problems.
Luckily, most of us don’t experience recurrent Big T trauma, or at least not multiple traumas and abuses that could account for psychological dis-ease.
We will lose loved ones, around half of us will get divorced and many of us will have physical injuries or illnesses, and it is known that these Big T traumas can lead to diagnosable mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. But this does not account for what I see in my practice day in, day out. Rather it is the more subtle experiences, such as parent–child misattunement, frenemy bullying, classroom humiliation, instability caused by frequent geographical moves (with changes of schools and jobs), achievement culture or constantly trying to make financial ends meet, that result in a low-grade sense of ‘what’s the point of trying?’ Feeling a bit crap most of the time, languishing, high-functioning anxiety and maladaptive perfectionism are not, however, presentations that your GP will diagnose or treat. These don’t fit the neat and tidy criteria in medical encyclopaedias, and when your doctor asks if you’ve had any significant life events in the past year, the answer may well be ‘no’. So, people are left at sea in their not-quite-serious-enough-but-utterly-life-sapping existence – this is because we do not recognise the insidious impact of Tiny T trauma.
I tend to speak about Tiny T traumas simply as ‘Tiny Ts’, as this pretty much universal experience has the right to be used and spoken of in everyday common language. Because it is the little things that make life matter – but it’s also the small, daily things that drain our vitality, spark and potential. However, if we become aware of our own Tiny Ts, we can use them to our advantage by building a robust psychological immunity that will buffer us against the devastating impact of future Big T traumas.
Because you do matter. Listen to me – you do. Much more than you know right now. And by the end of this book, not only will you start to believe this, but those daily anxieties and frustrations will start to melt away. Trust me, I’m a psychologist – but not the kind you might imagine me to be. There’s no couch, no beards, no judging nods, as there’s no shame in our experiences, our mistakes or even in our darkest thoughts. This book is what I know to be true from my 20-plus years of experience in research and practice. Every single person I have worked with has some form of Tiny T, of which there are countless examples. However, the outcomes of Tiny T tend to bubble up and present themselves in recognisable ways, and in this book I will share with you the cluster of Tiny T ‘Themes’ I have identified. I use the term themes as these are not medical conditions per se, yet they can affect people in common patterns. One, probably more, of these themes may be familiar to you and you might feel like you’re the only one who suffers from this – but right here, right now, I want you to know that these themes, ailments, or whatever else we want to call the set of signs and symptoms in each chapter, are very common indeed. As we don’t have medical definitions, I can’t give you exact percentages or figures about how many people feel these ways – but I can tell you from my experience and observations: if you don’t have a Tiny T Theme, someone you know, someone very close to you, will.
When guiding you through these Tiny T flashpoints, such as low-grade panic, never quite feeling good enough, and even health problems like insomnia, weight gain and chronic fatigue, I will of course give you practical and tangible ways to grapple with these issues – so that you can take back control of your life and no longer be a slave to Tiny T. It’s not easy to access psychological services these days but we do know from research that bibliotherapy – what you’re doing right now by reading this book – can be helpful in reducing symptoms.
Because we all have to deal with life’s tricky problems, which are both complex and everyday, let’s make it as simple and easy as possible. To do this we will use my solution-focused, three-step method:
It is important, in the beginning at least while you’re getting to know the process, that you follow these steps in sequence. I frequently see people in my practice who are incredibly frustrated as they have launched straight into Action techniques, which is akin to putting a sticking plaster over a nasty scratch without first washing it out – the dirt and grit becomes trapped and eventually causes infection, leaving someone with more profound issues than the initial injury. Similarly, without first generating some Awareness of Tiny T, and cultivating Acceptance of what has happened in your life, the benefit of taking Action is often short-lived. On the other hand, some people do have a great deal of Awareness, particularly those who have tried a range of psychological and self-help techniques, but again they go directly from Awareness into Action without working through the Acceptance stage. This is by no means a shortcoming of the individual – we live in fast-paced, immediate-gratification societies so it makes sense that we all want a two-minute, TikTok-able solution. However, just as with any skill, once you become accustomed to the process, you will find it easier to move through the stages, and will become a master of the three As.
One last note before we begin properly. One of the most common questions I’m asked is ‘How long will it take?’ – and the only accurate answer is that it’s different for everyone. Just as physical healing takes some time, emotional and psychological recovery does need to be given space and time to occur. The deeper the cut, or the greater number and degree of Tiny Ts in this case, the more work you may have to do on your recovery. And it is work, or rather effort – but I assure you it’s worth it. Because you are worth it.
However, this does lead to a somewhat harsh reality: while Tiny Ts are not your fault, you’re the only one who can do anything about them. But now, already right now, you’ve made the vital first step to grapple with the widespread difficulties I see every week, and I will be with you on this journey. You are not alone.
So, I’ll begin with a bit more info about what Tiny Ts are, and why they matter, to start the overarching process of the AAA Approach – raising Awareness.