Past
While Travis was away on his first business trip of many, I got into the Christmas spirit. Since I had spent the entire month of November planning my wedding, I hadn’t gotten a chance to do any shopping for anyone, including my new husband. Lynette was the queen of last-minute shopping, so we got together for a mall-dashing spree.
Lynette picked through a pile of discounted sweaters, frowning at the limited selection. She asked, “What did you get your mama?”
“Oh, she was easy. She’s been hinting all year that she wants to go on a vacation. She told me last month that she wants to get on an airplane before she dies.”
Lynette laughed. “So where are you sending her?”
“To an all-inclusive resort in Cancún with one of her bingo buddies.”
“You’re such a good daughter. I bet Dayna is going to be jealous.”
“You’re probably right, but Dayna always finds something to get in a huff about. I can’t worry about her.”
Lynette held up a cream-colored sweater with a huge tiger in the middle of it. It seemed a bit too much for Jonathan. I shook my head in disapproval, and Lynette threw the sweater back down.
“This is too hard! I have no idea what to buy him.”
I nodded. “I know what you mean. I’m getting Travis some cuff links.”
“That’s a good idea, but I want to get Jonathan some clothes. He needs a new wardrobe.”
“Have you ever been to Mr. Shane’s downtown?”
Lynette laughed. “Are you serious? Girl, his prices are outrageous.” She raised an eyebrow and asked, “Is that where Travis shops?”
“He got a few items from there before he went on the road.”
Lynette sucked her teeth and said, “Umph.”
“What?”
“I bet he couldn’t afford that store before he hooked up with you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t start.”
Lynette decided to keep the rest of her thoughts to herself, until we got to the jewelry store to pick up Travis’s cuff links. Each was in the shape of a cross, diamond-encrusted. They were expensive—a little under two thousand dollars—but Christmas came only once a year, and they would look good with his new suits. I also hoped that by my generosity, I would convince Travis that I want to share everything with him—including my money.
Buying the gifts also helped me to convince myself that I wanted to share with Travis. I was trying to get in the habit of viewing the money as ours. I knew Travis would have had no problem purchasing the cuff links for himself, so I shouldn’t have, either.
Lynette commented, “Dang, girl! You already got the man. You ain’t got to buy him now.”
“Giving my husband a gift is not buying him. This little purchase is not hurting me, and you know it.”
“Yeah, I know. But what is he getting you for the holiday? He could only afford to get you something like this if you gave him the money.”
I replied without much enthusiasm, “Everything I have is his.”
Lynette burst into laughter. “Girl, you need to practice that line a little bit more. You are not believable at all.”
I took the little box with the cuff links from the salesperson and we walked out of the store. Lynette was still laughing, and I was getting a little bit irritated.
“What is so funny?”
Lynette mimicked me. “Everything I have is his. Come on! Everything?”
“Why don’t you think I mean it?”
“Because that isn’t like you! That man probably has no idea how much money you really have.”
I stepped into the passenger’s side of Lynette’s car. “Okay, you’re right. He doesn’t. He asked me about it before he left, but I stalled him.”
“You’re going to have to tell him eventually.”
“Why? Why can’t he just know that I have his back financially, and that he doesn’t have to worry about anything? Why does he have to know exactly what I have?”
“That’s a man. He’s not going to want you to have any secrets. Why don’t you want to tell him?”
How could I explain my reservations when I didn’t even understand them? It wasn’t something tangible; it was just an ominous feeling. Usually when I felt that way, I realized that God was trying to warn me about something. I didn’t want to admit I was feeling that way about the man I’d so hastily married.
I responded, “I don’t know. But I guess I will when he comes home.”
“All right then, moneybags. Let’s go over to Marshall’s, though. Some of us ain’t got it like you. We still have to shop bargain basement.”
I laughed. “Marshall’s it is! I can get Dayna’s present there.”
Travis called me on Christmas Eve, when he was supposed to be on his way home. I was baking pies for the party at my mother’s apartment on Christmas Day. It was a tradition that we all crammed into Mama’s little family room and gorged ourselves on rich, fattening foods while we exchanged gifts. I was looking forward to finally having a husband to bring.
“What do you mean you can’t make it home?” I asked furiously. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“The furnace in the retirement home decided to conk out today. I ordered a part, but because of the holiday, I can’t get it in until the day after Christmas. I’ve literally got the furnace held together with a hanger and some duct tape.”
“But it sounds like there’s nothing you can do until you get that part. You might as well come home for the holiday and then drive back. It’s only a three-hour drive.”
Travis explained, “But what if the furnace quits and they can’t get it going again? The pipes will freeze, and these elderly people will be without heat.”
I was glad he couldn’t see the big tears falling down my cheeks. “But this is our first Christmas. I wanted it to be special.”
“We’ll celebrate when I get home.”
“Okay. But what about your mother’s gift? Should I take that to her on Christmas, along with a plate of food?”
“My mother? You got her something?” Strangely enough, he sounded alarmed.
“Yes, I bought her a warm robe and some new slippers. I noticed that she was shivering when we went to visit her.”
“That was sweet of you, but don’t go up to the rest home without me. It would probably just upset her, especially on the holiday.”
Travis’s lack of concern for his mother was beginning to bother me. He claimed that he visited her three times a week, but I hadn’t heard about him going to the nursing home since he’d taken me two weeks before our wedding. He hadn’t even brought his mother to the ceremony. He’d claimed that when he and Les tried to pick her up, she’d refused to leave her room. If it had been me, I would’ve sedated my mama to get her to my wedding.
“Well, okay. I guess I’ll see you when you get home.”
Travis blew a kiss through the phone. “Love you.”
I was still livid about Travis’s absence on Christmas morning when I packed my two sweet potato pies into the car and headed for my mother’s house. The only thing that lifted my spirits a little was the thought of the look on Dayna’s face when she saw the gift I’d bought Mama.
When I walked into Mama’s apartment, Dayna and her family were already there. The children were drooling and hovering over the stack of presents, but they rushed over to me when I walked in the door. They covered me with the I-know-Auntie-bought-me-a-gift hugs and kisses that I received from them each Christmas.
There was a huge box sitting in the middle of Mama’s already cramped living room floor. From the looks of the immaculate wrapping, it was probably Dayna’s gift to Mama. I figured it was that big-screen television that they couldn’t afford to purchase the year before. I walked over to Mama and kissed her lightly on the cheek.
“Where’s your husband?” she asked.
“Merry Christmas, Mama,” I said, trying to avoid the question.
She persisted. “Is Travis parking the car?”
“No, Mama. He can’t make it. He’s out of town on business.”
Dayna poked her head out from the kitchen. “What? Doesn’t he have his own business? He didn’t give himself the holiday off?”
I bit my lower lip and tried to hide my irritation. “Merry Christmas, Dayna.”
“Well?” Dayna insisted on an answer to her question.
“His client had an emergency. The two of us will just have to celebrate later.”
Dayna shook her head with pseudo-sadness. “Awww. That’s too bad.”
I ignored her and handed out gifts to my nieces and nephew. I’d gotten Erin and Koree dolls and three outfits apiece from The Gap. I bought Ronald Jr. a remote-controlled car and some expensive tennis shoes. I handed Ronald Sr. my yearly gift to the children of a $250 savings bonds for each of them. It was my contribution to their college funds.
Ronald said, “Thank you, Charmayne. You spoil these kids.”
“She can afford it,” said Dayna as she emerged from the kitchen. “What did you get me?”
My sister and I exchanged gifts, and I also handed Ronald a small package. Dayna looked disappointed when she opened her gift—a sweater. Ronald got the usual silk tie. She was so ungrateful! I couldn’t believe she had the audacity to frown on my gift when she’d bought me a pair of gloves and a scarf.
“All right,” said Mama, “when do I get to open my gifts?”
Dayna grinned. “Right now, Mama!”
Dayna presented the gift from her family, which was a forty-eight-inch flat-screen television. The thing was so huge that it was going to practically swallow up Mama’s living room. One thing was for sure: Mama would no longer have a problem seeing or hearing her favorite soap operas.
Mama gushed, “Ooh, Dayna! Y’all shouldn’t have spent all this money on me.”
Ronald mumbled something under his breath, and Dayna nudged him in the ribs. They probably couldn’t afford the gift, but money was absolutely no object to Dayna—even if she didn’t have it.
She looked over at me with a superior smirk on her lips. “Your turn.”
I got up and handed Mama the envelope. Dayna hovered over Mama so that she could be the first to approve or disapprove of my gift. She realized what the gift was before Mama did, and her mouth dropped open at the sight of the plane tickets.
“Cancún? Who in the world will Mama go to Cancún with?” asked Dayna sharply.
Mama giggled, “I have friends! Thank you, Charmayne, baby. I’m gone finally get to ride in an airplane. I’m calling Ruby right now to tell her the good news.”
Dayna rolled her eyes at me and went into the kitchen. I followed her so that I could help with the dinner—and try to contain the nasty conversation that was sure to follow. I knew it was going to be ugly when Dayna started slamming silverware and dishes.
“What is your problem?” I asked, wanting to get the whole thing over with.
She pointed at me with a huge serving fork. “You. You are my problem.”
I shook my head angrily. “I haven’t done anything to you, Dayna.”
“You do the same thing every year. You find a way to upstage me with your money.”
“Mama told me that she wanted a trip. Don’t get mad at me because you couldn’t afford to give it to her.”
Dayna’s eyes bulged furiously. “Do you have any idea how much overtime Ronald had to work to get that television? And then here you come, waving your magic credit card wand.”
“The gifts that I choose for Mama don’t have anything to do with you.”
“Oh, yes, they do. Just like that man you married.”
She caught me completely off guard with her reference to Travis. “What do you mean?”
“You had to find the prettiest Negro in the city, didn’t you? It’s all part of what you do to make Mama love you more.”
She thought Mama loved me more? I wanted to ask her what world she was living in. I had heard our mother sing Dayna’s praises since the day she was born, but she felt unloved?
Just then Mama came into the kitchen. Dayna and I both had tense expressions on our faces that we tried to soften as Mama approached. As angry as we were, neither one of us wanted her to know that we were arguing at all, much less about her Christmas gifts.
Mama asked, “Is everything all right in here?”
Dayna replied, “Yes, Mama. Go on back in there and enjoy your grandbabies. Me and Charmayne can take care of the dinner.”
“Okay then.” Mama eyed me and Dayna suspiciously, but decided to let the matter drop and went back to fiddle with her new television.
When Mama was out of earshot, I whispered, “The choices that I make in my life have nothing to do with you. Not what I buy Mama, and not who I marry.”
I knew that the conversation was over when Dayna started humming. That was something that she’d picked up from our mother. Whenever Mama wanted to end an argument with our father, she would get in her last word and start humming a gospel tune. It’s very hard to argue with someone who is humming “I Love You Lord” or “Amazing Grace.” The person still trying to argue comes across as a devil. Dayna’s tune of choice was “I Can’t Complain.”
I started boiling water for the macaroni and cheese while Dayna prepared the corn bread dressing. With our backs to each other we did what Mama expected us to do. I didn’t know how to recover from Dayna’s verbal assault. She had cut me deep with her accusations, no matter how ridiculous they were in actuality.
I wanted to turn to Dayna and tell her how much I admired her family and her relationship with Mama. I wanted to tell her how beautiful I thought she was. But I didn’t—couldn’t. All I could do was stare into a pot of water and wish that I was a hundred miles away.