Past
Travis returned home two days after Christmas, and as promised we celebrated on the night of his return. His gifts to me were a set of gold hair combs and a sweater that was two sizes too small. I was thrilled, even though the presents weren’t perfect. He could’ve given me a blender and some hiking boots and I would’ve been pleased. His biggest gift to me had been marrying me—and I was still thanking God for that.
It seemed as if Travis had been gone forever, and I was excited to have him back home. I didn’t know if I was keen on his business anymore, not if it meant that he was going to be away days at a time. It didn’t really seem to be worth it.
I fed Travis the turkey dinner that I’d prepared, with all of the traditional fixings. I was tired of turkey myself, seeing that I’d just gorged myself on it at my mother’s house two days before, but this was our first Christmas and I wanted to do everything right.
I wanted to top off our Christmas celebration with something extra special, so at bedtime I took a long bath and emerged into the bedroom wearing pretty lace lingerie. Travis seemed uninterested and barely glanced away from the television. I didn’t know how to take his reaction. I’d never heard of a man willingly turning down sex with his brand-new wife.
“Travis,” I asked, “is there something wrong?”
He smiled up at me, as if he’d just then noticed what I was wearing. “No, honey. I’m exhausted. It’s been a long week.”
“Well, why don’t you let me help you relax,” I offered.
Travis patted his hand on the bed, motioning for me to sit. “Come lie next to me. I don’t have the energy for all that tonight, but I wouldn’t mind some cuddling.”
I obediently took my place on my side of the bed. I was confused and hurt, but I wasn’t going to let Travis see that. He was blasting every stereotype that I’d ever known about men and about marriage. Men were supposed to be insatiable, and women were supposed to oblige them with their wifely due. No one ever mentioned anything about him being too tired for me.
I was so disturbed about Travis turning me away that I could think of nothing else when Lynette and I went out for lunch the following day. She was rattling on and on about the tennis bracelet that Jonathan had bought her for Christmas, and how he had spoiled her sons with gifts. I smiled and nodded at all the appropriate places, but she still noticed my detachment.
“Girl, what is wrong with you?” she asked.
“Nothing. Why do you ask?”
“Because you are a million miles away from here.”
“Tell me,” I ventured cautiously. “What would you think if Jonathan turned you down in the bedroom?”
Immediately she replied, “I’d think he was getting it somewhere else.”
I believe it was the look of sheer horror on my face that told Lynette I was really asking about myself and Travis. Though the damage had already been done, she softened her answer and said, “Well, it doesn’t have to mean that, but it would probably be the first thing that comes to mind.”
Surprisingly, the thought that Travis was fulfilling his needs elsewhere had not even crossed my mind. I had just assumed that he didn’t find me attractive or that I looked silly in the lace camisole. It was unfathomable that my brand-new husband would be cheating on me when we hadn’t even been married a month.
“Well, I don’t think that Travis is cheating. Forget I asked.”
“Just don’t let it happen more than once without asking questions.”
I nodded quietly, wishing that I hadn’t even started the conversation. Lynette had a worried look on her face that mirrored what I was feeling on the inside.
Since Travis was missing in action for the Christmas church services, I was relieved that he was going to be at my side for the New Year’s Eve service. Not that I had anything to prove, but I wanted people to see us together. It seemed like most of my friends and acquaintances were waiting for us to fail.
We walked into the church, arm in arm—me wearing my new hair combs and Travis sporting his very expensive cuff links on one of his new suits. Lynette smiled reassuringly when she saw us, no doubt recalling our earlier conversation. But neither she nor I needed to worry, because the very night that I’d expressed my concerns to Lynette, Travis reaffirmed his desire and his attraction for me.
Our New Year’s Eve services were festive occasions. There was always a lot of singing, a lot of dancing, and a lot of testifying. When I thought about what the Lord had done for me all year long, I started jumping and shouting, although my praise was usually low-key.
“You betta praise him, Sis,” I heard someone say.
When I finally calmed down Pastor Jenkins said, “Sister Charmayne, do you have a testimony that you want to share?”
I noticed that Travis had disappeared from my side, but I testified anyway. “Yes, Pastor. I have been truly, truly blessed this year. I’ve been blessed in my finances, blessed with good health, and the Lord has seen fit to send me the husband of my dreams. But more than anything, I’ve felt my walk with God get stronger, and I know He’s going to continue to do great things in my life. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!”
The fervor of my testimony struck a fire in the congregation. Two sisters started shouting, and then Lynette joined in. Not missing a beat, the musicians started in with the shouting music, banging on the drums and organ like there was no tomorrow. I thought about the praise report I’d just given and I hugged myself.
When the intense shouting died down for a moment, I made my way to the water fountain. My throat was parched, and I could feel the beads of sweat collected on my forehead and neck. As I walked up the aisle, someone patted me on my back and said, “It’s all right, baby.”
I took a long, thirst-quenching gulp of water and stood in the vestibule fanning myself. I looked through the stained-glass windows of our main entrance. It was a beautiful and still night. We’d had some warm weather that had melted all of the November and December snow, and the streets were as dry as in the middle of June.
I glanced up and down the street at the nightlife going on outside our worship center. I gasped when I saw my husband leaning into a car across the street. I squinted to make out the shadowy figure behind the wheel, but I just wasn’t close enough to see who it was. I couldn’t even tell if it was a man or a woman.
Travis started back toward the church and I panicked. I didn’t want him to know that I’d seen him until I figured out what I was going to do and say. I dashed back into the sanctuary and slid into our pew just as Travis walked back through the double doors.
I shuddered as he placed his arm around me. I wanted to knock his hand away and slap the smile off his face. I needed an explanation and I needed it sooner rather than later.
I whispered to Travis, “Can I talk to you outside for a minute?”
“Now? It’s the middle of service.”
“Yes, now. It’s important.” I wanted to smack him upside his head.
Travis and I got up and walked out into the vestibule. No one even noticed that we were up walking again, because the choir had started singing and had taken the praising and shouting up an extra notch.
Travis asked impatiently, “What is it that couldn’t wait until we got home?”
I couldn’t believe that he had the audacity to sound irritated. “Who were you just talking to outside?”
He shook his head in disbelief. “You spying on me now?”
“No, Travis. I happened to see something that I obviously wasn’t supposed to see.” I could hear my voice rising, although the church vestibule was no place to stage a scene with my husband.
Travis grabbed me by the arm and led me outside. Although the night looked calm, it was bitter cold. I wished that I’d put on my coat. I yanked my arm away from him when his big hands started to hurt me.
Travis spoke in an angry hiss. “Woman, why don’t you trust me?”
I answered with a question of my own. “Why are you always surprising me?”
It had just dawned on me that Travis was always shocking me in one way or another. His initial interest in me was shocking, and every aspect of our relationship had seemed to just come out of the clear blue sky. Travis quitting his job, revealing his felonies, proposing to me, introducing me to his ailing mother . . . all of these things had blindsided me. I had come to expect the unexpected from Travis.
Travis scratched his head nervously. “That was my parole officer, Charmayne.”
A sarcastic chuckle escaped from my lips. “Your parole officer? Surprise!”
I shook my head and started to walk back toward the sanctuary. In my mind, I was making the conscious choice to ignore the surprises that wouldn’t destroy me.
Travis took my hand. “I wanted to tell you, but when I first told you about my felonies, you left me. I didn’t want to lose you again.”
“So you lie to me?”
“I never lied to you about this.”
“Omission is lying.”
“I didn’t omit the fact that I just got out of prison. You could have assumed that I was still on parole.”
I felt foolish. It was almost like I wanted it to be a woman in that car. Him having a parole officer wasn’t a bad thing, but I didn’t know how to get out of the conversation without making myself look like the insecure and jealous wife I had quickly become.
Marriage was not what I’d expected. I thought that it would be about sharing my hopes and dreams with my soul mate, and that we’d always lean and depend on each other. The union between myself and Travis was none of these things. He accused me of not trusting him, but he didn’t trust me with even the most basic information.
We stood in silence for what seemed like too long. Travis was clearly hurt, and I was at a loss for words.
He broke the silence. “Why don’t you trust me?”
“I do.”
“No. You don’t. You’re constantly looking over your shoulder, waiting for me to drop some kind of bomb on you. It’s not going to happen, Charmayne.”
Travis opened his arms and embraced me. I felt the tears start to pour down my cheeks. Why couldn’t I allow myself to be happy and why was there still no peace in my spirit?
“Travis,” I sobbed, “I’m really sorry.”
“It’s all right. I know you didn’t mean it.”
But I had meant it. So I stood there in Travis’s arms praying and wondering. Praying that my marriage would last, and wondering how in the world I’d ended up apologizing when Travis was the one keeping secrets.