Past
My previous night’s prayer had helped to calm all the fear I’d allowed myself to experience. I was out on a date with Travis and enjoying every minute of it. Travis, on the other hand, seemed to have something weighing on his mind.
Travis held the door open as we walked into a casual-dining restaurant. The place was crowded and noisy, and we were told that we had at least a forty-five-minute wait. That minor irritation did nothing but put him more on edge.
“Do you want to stay or go?” Travis asked. He was about to explode with nervous energy.
“We can go if you want. To tell you the truth, I’m really not that hungry,” I replied honestly.
“I had something I needed to talk to you about, and I need to do it tonight.”
Suddenly I felt alarmed. “Okay, but this is not the place to do it. I can’t even hear myself think in here. Let’s go to Handel’s.” I really wasn’t in the mood for ice cream, either, but Handel’s was quiet and we wouldn’t have to scream at each other in order to hold a conversation.
We drove to the tiny ice cream parlor in silence. I kept wringing my hands, because I didn’t know what to do with them, and I kept looking out the window, because I didn’t want to look at Travis. The fact that he was so troubled had me truly concerned. What bomb was Travis going to drop on me? I prepared myself for the worst. Had he heard God wrong when it came to marrying me?
We got to Handel’s and sat down at one of their outside tables. It was a warm evening, but not the typical muggy and humid of a July night in Cleveland. The only other people in the parlor were a couple sharing a milk shake. That was a good thing, because Travis had the most somber of expressions on his face.
I couldn’t wait any longer. “Travis. What is it?”
He sighed wearily. “I don’t even know where to start, but I need to tell you everything about me, before we get in too deep. Actually, I hope that what I tell you will bring us closer together. I have to know that you can accept me, even though I have some things in my past.”
“What kinds of things?” I tried to make my voice sound steady, but I could feel it trembling, and my knee was shaking under the table.
He took a deep breath. “I served five years in the state penitentiary for drug trafficking. In all, I have four felonies on my record.”
This was not what I’d expected. I’d thought he wanted to break up with me or tell me that he wasn’t ready for marriage. Now all my doubt changed to paralyzing fear.
I felt that I was receiving the answer to my prayer. The Lord must’ve been telling me no, even if I wanted it to be yes.
Finally I replied, “Travis, this is a lot to lay on me at once. I need to let it sink in before I give you an answer.”
Travis, sounding irritated, said, “I understand that. I expected you to react badly.”
“I don’t think I’m reacting badly. I just need time to react, period.”
I thought of all the negatives that could’ve come from his prison life. Besides the fact that I thought he’d never have what I considered a real job, he could’ve had communicable diseases. I was furious that he’d kissed me and swapped bodily fluids without warning me first.
“How long have you been out?” I asked, desperately trying to ignore the answer that I was receiving from God.
“Going on a year.”
I pieced together a response in my mind. I hoped it sounded compassionate and understanding.
“Travis,” I started warily, “I do not have anything against a man who has paid his debt to society and turned his life around—”
“But?” he asked.
I guess my tone implied the fact that there was going to be a but. It really didn’t matter how I tried to sugarcoat it; the but was going to negate it all. The but was always something unkind and hurtful. This time was no different.
“But, I don’t think that after waiting all these years for a husband, the Lord would send me someone who can’t attain the kind of success in life that I hope to have.”
“You think I’ll never have what you have?”
It took all of the Holy Spirit on the inside of me to keep from screaming! How could Travis not understand my concerns? He had made choices that had landed him in prison and I hadn’t. It was as if he wanted me to feel sorry for being a success.
My voice was steady and sure as I explained my stand even further. “It’s not about possessions. It’s just that I want to be able to respect my husband and submit to his leadership. I don’t think that I could ever submit to you. Our marriage would be a disaster.”
I’d said it, and once it was out it sounded callous and mean, and not entirely truthful. Travis dropped his head sadly. When he looked up again, there were tears in his eyes. I didn’t want to know what they meant. I just wanted to run away and pretend I’d never even met him. But I was trapped, at an ice cream parlor, forced to witness the pain I’d inflicted.
Travis had not made a sound, so I asked in a whisper, “Do you want me to call a ride? You don’t have to take me home if you don’t want to.”
Travis was obviously offended. “That’s ridiculous. Of course I’ll take you home. There is nothing that you could say or do to me that would change the man I am or the one I will become.”
He stood from the table and quickly wiped his eyes. I felt sad and confused, and I regretted making things so final. Why was it so complicated? I was hurting, too. I was feeling a pain that I’d never known. What type of cruel test was this for me to receive? Why let me set my feet down in the Promised Land and then hurl me back into the wilderness?