May joy and peace surround you,
Contentment latch your door,
And happiness be with you now
And God bless you evermore.
A surrealistic, alternate life began the moment Delores opened the door of Hidden Cottage and welcomed Erin and Mike inside.
Erin went directly to her father, as she had on her last visit when he was tucked under a blanket in his recliner. That time her father had barked at her about taking so long to get there and then gruffly received the kiss she planted on his cheek. Erin remembered how she had teased him and said, “I’m here now. . . . Isn’t that good enough for you?”
His reply had been “Never good enough, you know that.”
This time Erin could barely bring herself to plant a kiss on her father’s cheek, which glistened with streaks of his own saliva. Nor could she find any words of cheer, charm, or comfort. The man propped up in the recliner seemed a poor imitation of her father.
He didn’t bark at her. Instead he wept. He sobbed odd, guttural sounds as huge tears rolled down his pale face and dampened the washcloth that seemed to be an improvised bib under his chin.
Erin had no bravery in her. She cried quietly, all the while keeping unbroken eye contact with her father, her blue eyes mirroring the terror in his matching blue eyes.
She glanced at his right hand where it rested on his stomach, curled into a gnarled fist. His knuckles protruded in a crumpled tangle. He looked so thin. His beautiful white hair had been cut unevenly and was shorter than Erin had ever seen it. He appeared to her as a great lion, captured, wounded, and shorn.
“I’m so sorry,” she finally whispered.
Those tiny words threw her father into an even deeper state of wailing, like a wounded animal. The sound went into her bones, and Erin knew she would never forget it.
Mike placed a firm hand on Erin’s shoulder and pulled her back, breaking the eye-to-eye contact between daughter and father. With strength and boldness, Mike moved closer. He reached for a dry washcloth from a stack on the end table and began the work of an orderly, wiping away Jack’s tears and drool. Mike leaned closer, spoke calmly, and told Jack they came as soon as they could.
“The wedding was wonderful,” Mike said. “We’ll show you all the pictures as soon as we get them. Jordan married a beautiful young woman. I think you’ll like her very much. She feels like part of the family already.”
To Erin’s surprise, her father’s demeanor seemed instantly to change with Mike’s ministering touch. Her dad’s left eyebrow went up, as if indicating interest to hear more. Mike moved the pillow under Jack’s head without asking if he wanted it moved. But as soon as Mike adjusted it the taut muscle in Jack’s neck relaxed, and it seemed as if it were easier now for him to look at them.
Mike made himself comfortable by sitting in the wheelchair parked beside the recliner. He went over some wedding details, describing the location, the bridal party, and the ceremony. Jack listened expressionless but his eyes showed he was clearly engaged. He was as calm as a contented cat.
Erin had been aware of Delores’s presence behind her as she watched her husband say and do for her father what she wished she had been able to say and do. Turning to Delores, Erin asked, “May I use your bathroom?”
“Of course. You know where it is.”
Excusing herself, Erin used the private moments in the bathroom as a chance to blow her nose, summon all her courage, and let the reality of the situation settle on her. She had a long list of questions forming and knew that she and Mike would have to make some difficult decisions before this day was over.
When she returned to the living room, her father was asleep. “Is he okay?” she whispered to Delores.
With a condescending look Delores said, “Obviously he’s not.”
“I mean, right now. Did he just fall asleep?”
“Yes. He does that. He sleeps most of the time.” Getting right to business, Delores said, “I made reservations for you at the Shamrock Lodgettes down the road. You passed them on the way here. If you would rather stay here, one of you can sleep in the twin bed in the upstairs room and one of you can sleep down here on the sofa.”
“Thanks.” Erin turned to Mike, who was now standing beside her in the small kitchen. “What do you think we should do?”
“We’ll stay at the Shamrock,” Mike said. “We can check in now, settle in, and then come back here, if that’s okay.”
“Of course.” It seemed to Erin that Delores looked as bad as her father did. Her hair was very short and looked as if she had received a bad haircut and then hadn’t washed her hair for several days. She looked exhausted.
“How about if we bring dinner for you, Delores?”
“No. I have my own food here. I don’t have food for the two of you, so you should eat before you come back.”
Erin glanced at her father, sleeping in the recliner in the other room. “When he wakes up, tell him we’ll be back.” Seeing him the way he was right now made it difficult to estimate if his condition was going to be long term or if he was limited in the number of days, weeks, or months he had left.
Mike and Erin walked out to the car, holding hands. Fast-moving clouds from the east covered the sun, blocking the bit of summertime warmth that barely had visited this jagged coastline. Erin wrapped her light sweater around her and knew she would have to find some warmer clothes if she was going to survive here.
They drove in silence to the Shamrock Lodgettes and checked into the sparse wooden cabin with a round of information from Sylvia, the talkative motel manager. She was a large woman with a deep voice. Around her neck she wore an exotic long chain of beads. On the end of the chain was a large pair of reading glasses with rims that were equally colorful and exotic-looking. As she handed Erin the key to their lodgette, she said she had a tender spot in her heart for Jack and wanted to know if she could pay him a visit.
“I don’t see why not,” Erin said. “He brightened up when my husband told him about our son’s wedding. I think it would do him good to have some company.”
“Tell that to Delores, will you? That wife of his seems bent on keeping all of us away from him as if we’re carrying the next untreatable disease. She even said to my face that it wouldn’t do him any good to have visitors. She’s a heartless you-know-what if you ask me. Never joins him at any of the community gatherings. But when it comes to your dad, I’ll tell you what, he’s the most popular man in town. Always the life of the party. Why, if he had moved up here when he was still a widower, I would have married him myself. Don’t tell my husband that.”
Mike and Erin politely excused themselves from the office and the friendly Sylvia. They agreed that Jack should have some visitors. He was a people person to the core. For Delores to lock him up in that small cottage and not allow the townsfolk to come see him was unkind. Erin was determined to change that.
Mike agreed with her but disagreed with how to go about making the change. Erin wanted to return to her father’s place that evening with several of his cronies in tow. Mike felt strongly that they shouldn’t catch Delores off guard by doing so.
“We need to talk with Delores about it,” he said. “It’s her home, too.”
Erin preferred to forget that fact. All she cared about at the moment was doing all she could for her dad.
“He doesn’t look good, does he?”
Mike wrapped his arms around her and drew her close. “No, he doesn’t look good. I’m guessing he’s been on a rapid downward path ever since you last saw him. He couldn’t have gotten to where he is now in just two weeks. I think he’s been keeping his condition from you for a long time.”
“I should have come back up sooner. I should have checked in on him.”
Mike hushed her. “You’re here now. That’s what matters. And we’re here together. This is the new normal. We need to work from this point out.”
Mike opened his arms, releasing Erin. She wasn’t quite ready for him to remove his cocoon of comfort. She watched as he went to his luggage and pulled out his laptop. Turning it on and sitting at the small table in the corner of the room as if setting up his new office, he said, “Let’s make a list. We need a plan.”
Erin was familiar with the way her husband approached most everything in life with his “research and development” mind-set. He loved to look at things from every angle, brainstorm the possible directions they could go, and then come up with a step-by-step plan for implementing the strategies.
Before they returned to Hidden Cottage that evening, Erin and Mike had agreed that Jack needed to be moved back to Irvine, where he could receive prompt and highly qualified medical attention as his condition progressed, or more likely regressed. Mike said he would present their plan to Delores that evening and see what she had to say. Neither of them expected Delores to hesitate to move back to California.
When they returned to the cottage, Jack was still asleep.
“Mike, would you mind sitting with Jack?” Delores reached for her jacket on the peg by the back door. “I’d like to talk to Erin. Outside.”
Mike looked at Erin. She gave a slight nod, letting him know she was okay with being left alone with Delores.
“Sure,” Mike said.
Delores opened the door and led the way. Instead of sitting on the built-in bench that lined the deck’s edge, she strode through the freshly cut grass on the top of the bluff. Then, winding through a path cut in the flourishing brush, she made her way to a flat area at the crest of the cliff. A cement bench waited there, facing the sea and the sunset.
Erin stopped to take in the immense view. “This is beautiful.”
“The bench was Jack’s idea.” Delores took a seat with her hands in the pockets of her coat, her face to the wind. “That’s why he paid a ridiculous amount of money to have the cement poured and make sure the bench wouldn’t blow away in a winter gale. He used to spend a lot of time out here.”
Erin sat beside Delores, folding her arms and pulling her sweater close. As far as she could see to the immediate right, immediate left, and directly ahead was nothing but the sea. It was like being on the front bow of a tall ship. “I can see why my dad likes it here.”
“He hasn’t been out here in at least eight months.”
“Delores, why didn’t you tell us how bad he was doing?”
“It’s what he wanted. He was adamant about it. He didn’t want anyone to know.”
Erin felt a rise of unconventional compassion for Delores. “I can’t imagine how hard all this has been on you.”
“You’re right. You can’t imagine. He wasn’t honest with me, you know.”
Erin gave a small shiver and wished she could reach over and take Delores’s hand, but she didn’t feel that Delores was the sort of woman who wanted to be comforted.
“Jack told me a month ago he had been having small strokes for the past five years.”
“Five years?”
Turning to Erin with a slight air of superiority, Delores added, “You didn’t know that either, did you?”
“I knew he had headaches sometimes. But, no, I never heard they were related to strokes.”
“Did he ever tell you he felt as if he had been hit in the head with a sledgehammer?”
“No. I remember he said he had a migraine a few years ago when Mike and I asked him to go to the movies with us. But I thought he wasn’t interested in what we wanted to see.”
“Do you remember his getting dizzy and then sleeping it off?”
“Maybe. A few times. I’m not sure.”
Is Delores trying to get me to share the blame or responsibility for not detecting his condition sooner?
“Your father wasn’t honest with me about his condition. He should have told me these things before he asked me to marry him. I was completely honest with him about my situation. He knew what he was getting into. He gave me no indication that he had been having any problems.”
Erin wasn’t sure what to do with Delores’s impromptu confession.
“The man I married led me to believe he was strong and full of life. He promised to show me the world. Instead we got stuck here.” She sighed, and her frustration was evident. “This wasn’t our plan. You don’t know what I’ve been going through. I’m sure you can’t imagine how difficult it’s been to care for him. I can’t keep doing all that I’ve been doing for him. I just can’t do it. I think anyone would agree I have gone above and beyond.”
Erin took the opportunity to propose the solution she and Mike had come up with. “What do you think about coming back to Irvine? Mike and I have talked about it, and we think we can be of more help if you and Dad are nearby.”
Delores stood up as if their conversation was suddenly over. “I thought that would be your solution.”
“So you agree?” Erin stood, too. Her height helped her feel as if she still were able to respond to Delores as an adult and not as a child being shamed for something that wasn’t her fault.
“I don’t know how you’re going to transport him all the way down there, but I’m sure you can figure that out. Now that he has the catheter and G-tube in his stomach for the direct feeding, the doctor said he doesn’t need to be in a convalescent-care facility quite yet. All the information is in the file I’ve been compiling. It won’t take long to pack up this place. I have everything organized.”
“So you’re in agreement this is the best thing to do?”
Delores turned to her. Her face was still expressionless. “Of course.” She then turned her view back to the sea.
“Mike and I want you to know we are willing to do whatever we can to help. Mike is taking his vacation days this week so he’ll be here until next Monday.”
A strange, condescending look crossed Delores’s face. Or perhaps it was a shadow of sorrow. It was so hard to tell what Delores was thinking. “You should know one more thing. The doctor said that sometimes physically fit men like your father can live quite a few more years after a brain stem stroke, especially if their heart is strong.”
“Okay. Well, we’ll have just to take each day as it comes.”
The chill of the ocean spray rose from the cliffs below and brushed their faces with a fine misting of salty moisture.
“That’s all any of us can do at this point.” The chill in Delores’s voice matched what Erin was feeling all around her.
Without any verbal signal, the two of them turned and walked back to the cottage without exchanging words of courage or comfort. Erin thought about the conversation they had shared over a year ago in the grocery store when Delores made it clear that she would leave Jack if he had serious health problems. Apparently she had changed her mind or at least accepted the part of her wedding vows that promised “in sickness and in health.”
As they entered the warm house, Erin saw that her father was awake. She smiled at him. He stared with a glassy-eyed look as if he couldn’t make out who the two women were. When she came to his side, his left eyebrow lifted, and he started to cry again. The gut-wrenching wails seemed to rise from his soul and overtook the small space.
Erin looked at Mike and gave him a nod, indicating that she had had the important discussion with Delores. Taking her father’s hand, she said, “Dad, we’ve been talking about what would be the best thing to do, and we would like to take you back to California.”
“No!” The word jumped from Jack’s mouth so forcefully it seemed to surprise even him. He looked at Erin, blinking. She looked at Mike, not sure what to do or say next.
Delores, who had hung back in the kitchen, spoke up. “I didn’t say he would go to California willingly.”
Erin watched as her father raised his agile left arm. He pointed his finger down with three staccato movements. Clearly he was indicating this was the place he wanted to be. He wanted to stay put.
“Well, then,” Mike said, keeping his focus on Jack. “We’ll have to continue discussing this and see what works out best for everyone.”
Jack let out a heavy sigh. He seemed to be trying very hard to concoct a sentence or even just another word. All that came from his sluggish lips was gibberish. The expression on his face changed to one of discouragement or despondency. It was impossible to distinguish the difference. He closed his eyes as if dismissing all of them and slipped back into a place of numbing sleep.
The first thing Mike did was convince Delores to hire a day nurse to care for Jack. Mike also rearranged all the furniture in the living room so that it was easier to get the wheelchair around. It was clear, though, that Jack wasn’t able to lift himself into the wheelchair. Lifting and moving him was an arduous task, which is why they both smiled when Marge, a sturdy fortress of a woman, showed up from the nursing agency the next day. With Delores running out of steam, Marge was the sort of assistant they had hoped for.
On Wednesday morning Delores left, saying she needed to go into town. Erin thought she might be doing some shopping or taking a much-needed break now that she had reinforcements in place. When Delores returned six hours later, she looked red in the face and windblown, as if she had been driving around with all the windows of her car open.
“How are you doing?” Erin asked cautiously.
Delores was in the kitchen, opening a can of chicken and rice soup. “I’ve been better.” She placed three saltine crackers on a plate and poured the soup into a mug.
“Is there anything I can do for you?”
Delores looked surprised at Erin’s offer. “There’s nothing to be done beyond what you’re already doing.” She sat in a chair next to Jack, eating the crackers first and then slowly drinking the soup. When she finished, she calmly thanked Erin and Mike for being there. Then she went to her room and closed the door.
Erin was beginning to understand the ways that different personalities deal with stress. Delores seemed to be coping by removing herself emotionally as well as physically from the hub of it all. Mike clicked into planning mode. He made calls, bought groceries, and fixed the broken garden hose on the side of the cottage. He was determined to have everything ready to move Jack and Delores to California as soon as possible, in spite of Jack’s resistance to the idea.
Erin tried to take each hour as it came and not to let her emotions dictate anything she said or did. She felt steady if she continued to process things only moment by moment.
Late Thursday night she told Mike that she felt like a fish caught in a net. If she tried to flap around and break free of the situation, it made her only tired and discouraged. If she relaxed and went with the flow, she felt okay. But she still knew she was caught.
Mike finished brushing his teeth and stood in the bathroom in his new navy sweatpants and green fleece with a Paddy’s Crab Shack logo. They had stopped at a souvenir shop on their way back to the Shamrock that night because Erin said she was tired of feeling so cold. They bought matching outfits, which was something they had never done before. Erin was already under the covers and wearing her fleece zip-up jacket and sweats. For the first time since they had arrived, she felt toasty warm.
“Speaking of fish, does your sweatshirt have a fishy smell?” Erin asked.
Mike sniffed his forearm. A string of dental floss hung from his mouth. “No. Does yours?”
“A little. Or maybe it’s just me. I still smell the clam chowder we had for dinner.”
“That was pretty good chowder. What did you think of it?”
Erin shrugged. “It was okay.”
Mike kept his focus on his reflection in the small bathroom mirror as he meticulously wove the dental floss between his teeth. Erin couldn’t remember the last time she had flossed. Yet Mike did every night. She leaned back and watched him, deciding this was one of the many tiny reasons she loved him so much. Mike took care of things. Even little things like his teeth. He was consistent and practical. And he loved her.
Erin suddenly realized how rare and wonderful it was to have someone so dependable and patient to walk with through life.
“Mike?”
He turned toward her.
“I love you.”
A slow smile came to his closed lips. He tossed the dental floss into the trash can, turned out the bathroom light, and came to bed with her. “So, what got you interested? Is it the new sweatshirt?”
She leaned into him and cuddled up. “No. It’s just you. You’re wonderful. I love you.”
Mike kissed the top of her head. “I love you, too.”
They drew close, sharing a lingering kiss and then curling into each other’s embrace. This was familiar. This was good. In the midst of everything else that was challenging and unsteady, settling into Mike’s strong arms felt true.
“I wish I didn’t have to go back home without you,” Mike said.
“I know. Me too.”
Erin knew that Mike had been working hard to make arrangements to set up a place for Jack and Delores in California. The details were as numerous as the obstacles, and Mike had to get back to work on Monday. Delores had quietly gone along with all their suggestions, and it was agreed that Erin would stay on another week while Mike prepared everything in Irvine.
She could float along in this big fish net for another week. She had to.
“I feel as if our roles in life are reversing,” Erin said. “My dad is now the child, and I’m the adult telling him what he has to do. It’s so awkward with Delores being detached the way she is. I think she has shut down even more than when we arrived.”
Mike agreed. “She’s not doing well, is she? This has been hard on her. It will be good for both of them to get back to Irvine.”
Erin tried to imagine what her life was going to be like with her dad and Delores living nearby. Nothing would be the same again.
She pressed in closer to her warm husband. She kissed him once and then kissed him again. Life was going by too fast. Tonight she needed to feel alive—vibrant and youthful and very much alive. Mike had no problem making that happen.