May the lilt of Irish laughter
Lighten every load.
May the mist of Irish magic
Shorten every road.
May you taste the sweetest pleasures
That fortune e’er bestowed.
And may all your friends remember
All the favors you are owed.
As soon as Erin decided she was going to stay on with her father at Hidden Cottage, the knot in her stomach loosened. She kept thinking that if she were in the same situation as her father, she would want someone who loved her to care for her as long as possible.
Erin slipped outside after her dad fell into a restful sleep while listening to the soft music. She took her phone and called Mike to tell him of her change of heart.
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Yes. I want to give it a try. What do you think, Mike? Are you okay with my staying a little longer?”
“How much longer? A few weeks? A few months? What are you thinking?”
“I don’t know. Probably a few weeks. Maybe a month. There’s no way of knowing. He could have another stroke tomorrow, and that could be it.”
“Yes, or he could live another ten years like this. He’s a strong man.”
“He doesn’t want to go to Irvine or to a nursing facility. He wants to stay here. I can make that happen. At least for a little longer.”
Erin didn’t want to argue with Mike. She also didn’t want to toss in a report about her gut feelings on this. Mike didn’t always respond to her intuitive indicators, especially if he knew she was tired or emotional. At the moment she was both, but she still knew that staying with her father was the right thing for her to do.
“I don’t know, Erin,” Mike said after a heavy breath. “An hour ago you said you needed to come home. Now you’re saying you need to stay there. I don’t know what to think anymore.”
Erin knew that if she could see Mike right now he would give her the same look he gave her when she said she wanted to invite her dad, Delores, and Tony and his family for Thanksgiving. It was the “why would you want to do this to yourself?” look.
Neither Mike nor Erin said anything for a moment.
Finally Mike said, “You need to be prepared to put him in the full-time care facility as soon as there’s any indication at all that he needs more medical attention than you can give him.”
“Okay. I agree.”
“And we have to come up with some sort of limits. Either I need to go up there for a weekend soon, or you need to come down here and hire Marge to stay through the weekend.”
“I have to get back to work. Let’s talk about this more tonight.”
“Thanks for understanding, Mike.”
“I do understand. I know how it was when I lost my brother. Once they’re gone you can’t go back and make decisions like this. But I’m concerned about you. This is a lot to take on.”
“I’m okay,” Erin said. “Better now, actually, than before I called you.”
“I love you.”
“I know. And I love you, too.”
Erin hung up and decided to call Sharlene again. This wasn’t going to be an easy call; she didn’t want to put it off. They would have to come up with a way for Erin to carry more of the business responsibilities during the next few weeks. She wasn’t sure she could handle much more, but she knew Sharlene had to be close to hitting overload.
Sharlene picked up the call on the first ring and in her usual breathless voice said, “Erin, I have to call you back. Sorry. I’m just about to leave an appointment, and I’ll call you in about ten minutes.”
Erin went inside and made a cup of Irish breakfast tea. She added a splash of milk and a dash of sugar. With the first sip, she thought of her mother. And when she did, she remembered her mother’s words about how there were no shortcuts in relationships and how to experience the fullness of love, she must go the distance.
Only the strongest and bravest stay on the path. And you, my darling girl, have been given everything you need to be among the strongest and bravest.
Erin sipped her tea seated in a straight-backed wooden chair in the kitchen nook by the window. She hoped her mother’s blessing was still true in her life. She didn’t know how any of this was going to work out. All she knew was that the knots in her stomach had untangled the moment she decided to stay.
Sharlene’s call came through, and Erin went outside to talk in private. She sat on the front deck with her back to the wind and said, “Busy day?”
“Yes. It’s been full. How are you?”
“I’m okay. I have some . . .”
“Good. I was . . . Oh, sorry. Go ahead,” Sharlene said.
“No, that’s okay. You go first. Tell me your update.”
“Okay. Well, I met with our CPA today.”
Erin drew back. She thought they had been doing just fine financially. She didn’t expect this sort of update. “What did Jan say?”
“I asked her to help me . . . to help us . . . to come up with an estimated buyout figure.” Sharlene paused.
“Buyout figure?”
“I wanted to be prepared in the event that you would consider selling me your half of the company.”
The air around Erin felt still, as if she had slipped into the eye of a hurricane, and from this position of stunned silence she could see everything in her life caught up in a massive swirl. The vortex moment sucked all the air from her lungs and all the words from her lips.
“Jan was able to come up with what I think is a reasonable price. I’ll e-mail it to you, and we can talk some more. I don’t know if this is what you want to do, but it’s something we need to talk about.”
Erin still had no words.
“I know you’re in a really tough spot right now, and I thought it might help to relieve some of the pressure if you didn’t have the business to worry about. Because as soon as you finally do get your dad down here, if he’s living with you as you said, your days will be pretty well dictated by his needs. I thought the money might help you and Mike with the additional expenses you’ll have.”
If this plan was coming from anyone other than Sharlene, Erin would be certain that she was being undercut in some sort of slick deal. But this was Sharlene. Her trusted friend. Certainly she was sincere when she said she was trying to help relieve the stress for Erin. But this was Erin’s business, her dream, as much as it was Sharlene’s. She didn’t want to sell her half of the business.
“Sharlene, I just need a little more time here with my dad. We haven’t been able to work out the details to get him down to Irvine, and I don’t want to put him in a nursing facility here. I need to stay on with him at Hidden Cottage.”
“How long?”
“I don’t know. As long as I need to.” Erin felt a pounding headache coming on. Her words weren’t forming the way she wanted.
“Erin, I don’t know what to say. Here I thought I might be offending you by offering to buy your half of the business. But it sounds like you’ve already decided to leave.”
“No, I don’t want to leave,” Erin said quickly. “And I definitely don’t want to sell my half of the business. But for now, I need to stay here. I was hoping you and I could work out some sort of agreement to cover the time I’m away.”
“What did Mike say about all this?”
“He’s not thrilled. But he understands because he remembers what he went through when he lost his brother.”
Sharlene cleared her throat. “Erin, I’m all for you doing what you need to do. I support you and your loyalty, and if I were in your dad’s position, I guarantee you that you are the person I would want to be there every day, caring for me. But here’s the problem. For a month now I’ve been working seventy-hour weeks. I’ve been doing the work of two people and training an assistant. I simply can’t continue to do this indefinitely.”
“How is Ashley working out?”
“She’s fine.” Sharlene sounded irritated that Erin had asked about Ashley, as if she were trying to change the conversation’s direction. “She’s doing a good job. But I posted the position as part-time, and that’s all she can give me right now. She’s barely able to come twenty hours a week. It’s not enough. I don’t want to lose what you and I worked so hard to build. And I have to tell you, it feels like we could lose it all.”
“I feel awful that I’ve put you in this position, Sharlene.”
“You didn’t do it on purpose.”
“I know, but I still feel terrible. This isn’t what I ever wanted to happen to us or to The Happiest Day.”
“I know. But we need to make some decisions. I’ll send you the e-mail with the offer for the buyout. At least consider it. Talk to Mike about it.”
Erin knew she didn’t want to consider it and she didn’t want to present it as an option to Mike. Not right now. “I’ll read the e-mail.” It was all she could honestly agree to at the moment.
“Let’s talk again tomorrow,” Sharlene said. “My schedule is full all morning. Try me in the afternoon, or I’ll try you tomorrow night, okay?”
“Sure.”
Erin hung up feeling more alone than she had in a long time. The worst part was that in her intensely groggy state she couldn’t think clearly at all. She wandered upstairs and took a restless nap before Mike called and she went outside again to have another difficult conversation in private. Mike’s conclusion was the same as Sharlene’s. He suggested they both think things through for another day and pray about them before making a final decision.
The next day Erin felt no different about her decision to stay. She felt only more tired. She prayed, talked to Mike, talked to Sharlene, prayed some more, and still knew this was where she belonged. Mike said he supported her decision and would come up in a week or so and stay with her a few days. Sharlene’s response wasn’t as comforting.
“I’m sorry to be the negative one here,” Sharlene said, “but I just don’t see this as a good decision. And as I said before, even if you are able to move your dad into your home in Irvine, you won’t be able to keep up with work the way things have been going.”
“We don’t know that. I’m still working on e-mails here, and you can send more my way. I can do more than I have been doing.”
Sharlene disagreed. She asked Erin once again to seriously consider the buyout offer.
“I don’t understand why you’re pressuring me to let you buy my half of the business. This is my dream, too, Sharlene. I’m not ready to give it up.”
“But, Erin, in a way, you already have.”
Sharlene’s words dealt a stunning blow that left Erin’s head pounding as her eyes welled with tears. “Sharlene, give me more to do, okay?” Erin tried not to let the emotion show in her voice. “Keep sending me e-mails, and let’s see if I can paddle a little faster on my side of the canoe.”
Erin heard Sharlene release a long, steady breath on her end of the phone. “Okay. We’ll try that until the end of next week. Then we’ll have to reach a mutual decision about what to do. Be prepared because I’m sending you a mountain of work.”
“That’s fine. That’s good. I want to do my share.”
The tears were still in her eyes and the tension still tightened her throat after she hung up. Erin knew she had to do something to help improve her sleep.
She changed the structure of her day the next morning when Marge arrived right on time. Erin didn’t crawl upstairs to try to go back to sleep as she had on previous days. She felt rested because she finally had given in to freshening up the master bedroom downstairs and had slept in that bed, which was far more comfortable than the couch or the upstairs twin bed. Erin had arranged the master bedroom to her liking and moved her dad’s clothes to the far end of the closet. Then, for the first time since she had been there, she took her clothes out of the suitcase and hung them up.
During the night Erin kept the bedroom door open so she could hear her father if he was in any distress. Now that Jack had a proper bed, he was sleeping far better than he had in the recliner.
It all took Erin back to when each of her sons was born. She remembered how when they finally slept through the night, she was able to do the same. That Friday morning, she had the same sense of rejuvenation.
Over the bed was a framed souvenir from one of her dad’s trips to Ireland. It was in the shape of a shield and labeled “From the Shield of Saint Patrick.” Erin had developed the habit of reading it each time she entered the room, but now decided she would read it each morning.
Christ be with me
Christ before me
Christ behind me
Christ in me
Christ beneath me
Christ above me
Christ on my right
Christ on my left
Christ where I lie
Christ where I sit
Christ where I arise
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me
Christ in every eye that sees me
Christ in every ear that hears me
Salvation is of the Lord.
After a refreshing morning shower and the simple happiness of using her favorite shampoo again, Erin worked on e-mails for an hour and then went for a walk in the glen across the road. She picked a bouquet of wildflowers and put them in a vase so her dad could see them. He gave a nod and a half smile.
While Marge got Jack in the shower, Erin changed his bedsheets and put on the music. She opened all the shades and two of the windows. Now that much of the furniture in the living room had been moved around to make space for the reclining bed, Erin kept the rearranging going.
“Dad, do you mind if I keep moving things around here?”
Fresh from the shower, Jack gave a wave of his hand, and Erin went at it, moving unneeded furniture and other items from the living room out to the garage with Marge’s help. They dusted and vacuumed and then together adjusted the bed’s position so that Jack had the best of everything. He could press a button and the back of the bed would lift him so that he had a perfect view out the front windows. The foot of his bed was now over the main heating vent in the living room so when it was cold enough for the heat to come on, his feet would be first to feel the warmth.
Erin then moved the stereo unit so that if her dad wanted to, he could use his left hand to start or stop the system. The carousel held fifty CDs. Only nine of those fifty slots were occupied. The one in the first slot was the Irish tenors. As soon as Jack found that he could push the button and the three tenors joined him and sang “O Danny Boy,” his morning was the most tolerable he seemed to have had since becoming confined.
“This is good for him,” Marge said as she and Erin stood in the garage after hauling out the recliner. “It’s a generous thing for you to stay and make these arrangements.”
Erin leaned against one of the stacks of boxes Delores had organized before her departure. She knew her dad couldn’t hear them in the garage so she asked, “What’s your assessment of his situation, Marge? You’ve been with patients like my dad before, right?”
“Delores said he could live another five or more years.”
“Not with the condition of his kidneys. You know how I check for blood each time I change the bag?”
“Yes.”
“This morning I saw blood for the first time.”
“Are his kidneys beginning to fail?”
“Yes. It looks like that’s what’s happening. I will tell you this: if I had to make an estimate, I would say he might be with us another four months. Maybe less.”
Erin stared at the garage wall and let that new piece of information sink in.
“Didn’t you realize the shortness of time he had left when you decided to stay?”
Erin shook her head. “The doctor said he was strong. I thought Delores told me that the first doctor who examined him said he could live another five years or so even with the paralysis and the G-tube.”
Marge shook her head. “No, that’s not accurate. Delores knew. She knew he had months, not years. She read the charts. She knew about his kidneys.”
Erin felt her teeth clench. Her slow-burning anger toward Delores returned. It took a big dose of self-control not to spill out her frustrations.
“Your father deserved someone better,” Marge said with diplomacy.
“I know. And he did have someone better, much better. He had my mother. She was perfect for him.” Erin and Marge lingered in the garage as Erin talked about her mother. It felt good. Therapeutic. She was better off focusing on the positive than retelling the negative.
Marge left to check on Jack. Erin remained in the cool, damp garage with the stack of unopened boxes.
Erin felt as if an invisible hourglass had been turned over. Four months. Could she stay here for four months? Mike would understand, especially once she gave him this new information. But would Sharlene?
“First things first,” Erin told herself. The task at hand was going through those boxes. She could call Mike and Sharlene later. In the same way that she had organized for garage sales over the years, Erin sorted, stacked, and reorganized the remaining pieces of her parents’ life.
She came to a box marked FAITH and recognized the handwriting as her own. She had packed this box for her dad after her mom died. It had all the things in it that Erin didn’t think she should claim for herself. Now she felt differently as she lifted the lid and revisited treasures that she assumed her father never had looked at since his wife’s passing.
Deciding the garage was no place for such a rendezvous with memories, she dusted off the box and carried it into the living room. Placing it on the floor beside the couch, she went to the kitchen to make some lunch.
When she returned to the couch, now bathed in afternoon sunlight, her dad was awake. He pointed at the box and raised an eyebrow.
“It’s a box of Mom’s things. I thought I’d do a little deep-sea diving for long-buried treasure. Do you mind if I do it here?”
His expression made it clear that she was welcome.
The small treasures were wrapped in tissue. Erin remembered the day she had carefully placed many of the trinkets into this box. The first one she now unwrapped was a figurine of a woman holding up her hand. Balanced on her finger was a tiny bluebird.
“Aawwgh.”
“Do you remember this, Dad?”
“Yaaaah.” He pointed at Erin.
“No, it wasn’t mine. It was Mom’s.”
He pointed at her with firm determination. She didn’t know what that meant. Turning the figurine over, she looked at the bottom and noticed the letters EMO and the numbers 5/22. That was her birthday.
“Erin Melody O’Riley. EMO. Is this mine?”
“No.”
“Mom’s?”
“Yaaaa.”
“Did she get this when I was born?”
His eyes lit up.
“Mom got this little statue when I was born. I didn’t know that.”
Jack vigorously patted his chest.
“I know. That makes me happy, too.”
“No.” He pointed at the figurine and then pointed to his face.
Erin took a wild guess. “Did you give this to Mom when I was born?”
He started to cry and made one of his happy wails.
“Oh, Dad, that’s so sweet.” She looked at the statue again. Fifty-two years ago her father had seen this little treasure of a woman with a bluebird on her finger, and he had thought of her mother. And of her. His baby bluebird.
Erin wrapped the statue in tissue and placed it on the side of the couch that would be her “keep” pile.
“Nooo.”
“Do you want me to leave this out?”
“Yaaaa.”
Erin placed the figurine next to the vase of wildflowers. Creating a grouping was so like something her mother would do. She was good at displaying art around the house. Erin remembered how the kitchen table always had a centerpiece of some sort. If no flowers or bowls of fruit were available to brighten the table, a candle with a shell beside it or a china cup and saucer with her mom’s favorite teapot next to it took center stage.
That was the extent of her mom’s artistic expression. She wasn’t good at decorating or scrapbooking the way Delores was. Erin’s mom didn’t see the whole picture or the entire timeline. Her life was a scattering of small moments, bits of meaningful conversations, and bright dashes of beauty where least expected. She held life like a bouquet.
Going through the box of favorite things was a reminder of her mother’s cheery, spritely spirit. Erin had been in the midst of mourning the loss of her mother when she had packed away those trinkets. Holding them now turned into a sweet celebration of her mother’s life. And it was just between her and her father. If Delores were still there, things would have been quite different.
Erin knew that if the circumstances were different, she wouldn’t be there having that moment with her father. This was for her. It was an important and filling moment. She was so glad she was there.
Four more months.