Chapter Nine

Aggie knelt in the pew and waited for her turn to make her confession. There were about ten people before her and she had time to recollect her thoughts, going through her faults carefully in her mind. She had been bad-tempered, selfish; inconsiderate and ...and ...It never ends, she thought. When will I ever be better than I am? I seem to do the same things over and over again, week after week and yet I try so hard. Her thoughts were interrupted by a stout lady with a deep voice as it resounded around the near-empty church and startled her in the dark corner where she had settled herself.

“I think you’re next dear,” she heard the throaty voice in her ear, as she had forgotten her place in the queue in her anxieties.

“Sorry,” she whispered and went into the Confessional box, genuflecting towards the High Altar as she went.

“Bless me Father, as I have sinned. It is a week since my last confession.”

She could barely see the outline of the priest’s head through the thick, dark curtain, but when he spoke, she knew it was Fr. O’Halloran. She confessed her faults and asked God’s forgiveness, making her act of contrition and then he administered the absolution.

“Father ...” she plucked up courage to continue.

“Yes, my child. What is it?”

“I’m ... I’m Agnes Blair ... You know, Aggie Blair and I’m very worried about something.”

The priest hesitated before he said anything.

“Well Aggie Would you like to tell me a little bit more about your trouble?” he asked at length and for a moment, Aggie wished she had never instigated the conversation as she wondered how best to apologise for wasting the priest’s time and get out of the confessional box as fast as she could, but she had tied herself . and there was no way out. Besides, she would never be free of her fixation until she spoke to someone about it and who better than a priest of God.

“Father ... something’s troubling me and I don’t know how to explain what it is. I mean, I worry for everyone in my family and I’m a wee bit worried about myself too,” she said and her voice seemed to float through the air, as if carried by the wind and she had no control over it or what she said. She stopped suddenly, thinking what a fool she was making of herself and how ostentatious and stupid Fr. OHalloran would realise her to be. She felt nervous and the palms of her hands grew wetter by the moment as she realised what a contradiction to herself she was and she swallowed hard.

“Go on Aggie. I’m listening.”

Aggie thought she would faint at that moment and her scalp tightened with fear, but before she could do or say anything more, her voice took over again and it went with the wind

“Father ... You know that my mother is a widow and we don’t have much money, or anything and my brothers and sisters are all at home and I help to look after them, being the eldest.” Aggie stopped for a moment to catch her breath before she went on. Her voice seemed to be wound around in elastic and it would only stop when the tautness had been spent. She heard herself stammering on senselessly; endlessly. “Father, I want to be a Nun.”

The priest waited for a few moments and toyed with the end of his stole before he answered, probably in the event that his penitent might have more to add to her sweeping statement, but nothing further came from the other side of the thick, dark curtain.

“What you have in mind is very admirable, Aggie very commendable that you should wish to become a nun. It is a wonderful state of life to embrace. Have you been thinking about this for long?”

“Yes Father,” she answered with a clear and determined tone in her voice, “I think, even at school, I had this wantin’ .I remember I wanted to grow up quickly so that I could enter the Convent ... and it hurt.”

“I understand Aggie. I understand.” Fr. O’Halloran was biding his time before he said the next thing that he knew was required of him, but he was a little embarrassed as he spoke, for all that he was a priest of so many years experience. “Some people are able to follow a vocation of this kind if they are entirely free to do so and that is if they are not married or have responsibilities of any other kind ... that is responsibilities that might deter them from such a calling.” He coughed and touched his lips with the stole. “Do you have a young man, Aggie?”

Aggie could feel herself blushing in the darkness of the small confessional where she knelt.

“No Father,” she answered softly.

“Do you like men, Aggie?” the priest asked slowly but firmly and she could feel her blushes getting deeper.

“Yes, Father.”

The priest sighed.

“Then would you not rather want to get married and have lovely children and a nice husband?” he asked, thinking how stupid he had been to put the horse before the cart and hoping that Aggie would understand. Aggie listened carefully to the suggestion that had been made to her, aware that she had tried to explain her feelings to this man and had failed. Meekness went from her as she thought further.

“Father, forgive me, but I don’t think you have understood me. I don’t want to become a nun because I can’t get a man. I love Our Lord and I can’t stop thinking about Him, the same way as if I loved a man and couldn’t stop thinking about him. I want to become a nun because I love God and not because of a substitute for some other kind of love. I lie awake at night and yearn to be with God in the cloister. I toil for Him in everything I do during the day. I laugh for Him and I cry for Him. There is no place in my heart for any one man, but I love humanity, for His sake. Father, I have tried to put this yearning from my mind, but it returns to me.”

The priest listened to what Aggie had to say and the comparison to his own vocation became apparent to him, but she was a very young girl and he was an old man. He had undergone all the trials and tribulations that accompany a vocation to the Religious Life, so how could he now encourage this frail girl to undertake all of that? He knew, only to well, the life of loneliness that lay ahead of her if she persisted in her yearnings and unless she could keep that vision of God to the fore in her mind and more particularly, in her heart, FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE . . , she would undergo a most agonising and lonely existence. He had seen so many young men coming to the priesthood with pure hearts and with intentions that would scale any height ... for ‘Many are called Few are chosen.’ and only a few remain . . .a very few. If they leave without disillusionment, it is a blessing that they can take with them for the rest of their lives, because they have tried, ,but if they should leave in bitterness, as indeed many did, they would carry with them a venom that would rot through everything they did in life . . . into the grave and beyond He felt sure of that. He knew that he would have to bear the responsibility for this young girl’s soul and he prayed that God would give him the wisdom to do what was right.

“Aggie ... Aggie dear ... can we talk about this some more ... another time perhaps. Come to the presbytery some day soon and we’ll have another chat, eh?”

“Thank you Father I will do that and Father . . .”

“Yes, my child?”

“I am sorry if I have been rude.”

“Aggie, there is no apology required, I do assure you. It has been my pleasure to talk with you and I look forward to our further discussion soon.” He made the Sign of the Cross and Aggie went home.

***

All were asleep, except Meggie when Aggie got back to the house. She was glad she had that evening off from the factory and wanted to have an early night and get into bed. Meggie was the only one who wasn’t fast asleep.

“Had a nice time, Aggie?” she asked quietly as she rolled over in her bed, trying not to disturb Sadie who was sleeping beside her but Aggie did not answer immediately. She was tired and wanted to get a bath and get into bed as soon as she could, without waking Mary, but Meggie was persistent.

“I mean ... Have ye got a boyfriend, Aggie?”

Her sister thought for a moment as she undressed.

“I might have,” she responded softly and her hair fell about her shoulders as she removed her petticoat, pulling it over her head. “Is Mammy in bed already, do you know?”

“No ... she’s waiting up for the boys. They’ve gone to that youth dance or whatever it is. I think Mammy is dozing in the kitchen in the armchair. You won’t disturb her until the boys come home ... Will you marry him, Aggie?”

Meggie sat up ... wide awake when she asked her last question, but Sadie snored on as if there was no tomorrow.

“I hope so,” Aggie whispered, “Goodnight Meggie . God bless.”

Meggie yawned and Sadie stirred

“Goodnight Aggie .Sleep well ...I envy you,” said Meggie as Aggie ran the water for her bath, closing the bathroom door quietly so as not to disturb any of the sleepers.