chapter four
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chapter four |
The Italians are used to foreigners. Pilgrims, poets, merchants, artists, tourists, and invading armies have all made their way through the country. In the eighteenth and early nineteenth centuries no young English nobleman’s education was complete without the “Grand Tour” of Europe, taking in the famous sights that tourists still flock to today. Venice, for example, has about 270,000 inhabitants, but 9.8 million visitors a year!
By and large, Italians are friendly people who are “esterofiliac.” This describes a liking for all things foreign; it is manifested in the wide use of foreign words, particularly English words in broadcasting and sports. This is not a linguistic failure of Italian but a delight in incorporating buzzwords from other languages and Italianizing them. A football manager is “il mister,” for example, and the terms corner, dribblando (dribbling), and offside are common in football commentary.
Forming close links with Italians can be more difficult, however. The Italians are essentially local people with strong and extensive family and regional links. Their close friendships are formed when they are young and remain a tight circle all their lives. They often feel no need to reach outside it, and have difficulty understanding how anyone else doesn’t have their own network.
Outside the big international cities it can be hard to break into the local community. When the English author Tim Parks and his Italian wife, Rosa, moved to a small village on the outskirts of Verona, they found it a slow and gradual process. He describes this with humor and insight in his book, Italian Neighbours.
Even before Tim got to know his neighbors, he paid a visit to the village bar/pasticceria, a habit he considers essential for anyone wishing to integrate into Italian life. Timing, he stresses, is important. Everything has its right time, and the measure of how well you’ve integrated is that you know when to order your cappuccino (before 10:30 a.m.) and your digestivo, or Prosecco. Pick up the local newspaper (which all bars are legally obliged to provide) to get a sense of what’s going on.
Gradually, you advance and are recognized. Someone nods to you. Once they know you are a native English-speaker, you may be asked to help with a short translation. In time you will get to know your neighbors. The initial contact may be formal, but polite and kind; while Italians recognize the importance of hospitality, they prefer to retain a degree of formality at first.
Doing a service or being useful to the people in your building can help build up good relations, but remember, the Italian sense of privacy can be just as strong as that of the British. As Tim Parks observes, “If the Englishman’s home is his castle, an Italian’s is his bunker.”
When talking to Italians, an obsession with health and doctors is a common subject. Blood pressure, visits to the doctor, and tests are all exhaustively discussed, quite often on very slight acquaintance. The superiority of all things Italian is taken as a matter of course by Italians, although they will show a polite interest in life abroad.
The initial reserve toward outsiders applies equally to Italians from “out of town.” Rosa Parks’ greetings of “Buon giorno, Signore,” or “Buona sera, Signora,” were met with embarrassment and silence until, eventually, nods of acknowledgment were accompanied by a return greeting.
The breakthrough, Tim found, came when his wife became pregnant. Suddenly the couple weren’t fly-by-nights but people with a recognized role in society. A family distinguishes you as a “serious person,” someone who can take responsibility. That is why in Italy business colleagues will inquire about your family. A family means you have something to lose, a network of support, a sense of responsibility. This gives a sense of belonging that is in no way reflected in modern British or American society.
As befits a land with close, long-standing networks of relationships and trust, friends are always in contact with each other. This provides a tremendous sense of security, but for people used to their own space it can all prove rather intense! Your new Italian friends will shower you with invitations so that every weekend there is something to do. The downside is that whenever invited to weddings, birthdays, and funerals, you will be expected to go. The only respite is to leave the country. Unlike the British and the Americans, who, once a connection is made, are able to pick up a conversation several months later, the Italians expect you to maintain constant contact.
The political philosopher Antonio Gramsci wrote: “Rather than joining political parties and trade unions, Italians prefer joining organizations of a different type, like cliques, gangs, camorras, and mafias.” Circles of friends are just such a clique—supportive, but sometimes a bit stifling.
For an Italian, a relationship implies responsibilities. You don’t just drop in or out of a friendship when it pleases you. You are either on the inside or on the outside.
June Collins, an attractive single teacher living and working in Italy, discovered another aspect of Italian friendship, based on gender. As Luigi Barzini says in The Italians, Italy is a crypto-matriarchy. Men run Italy but women run men. The way they run them is to seduce them. The Italian woman is beautifully turned-out, and, on the surface, quite subservient to men, especially in public. To a young Scot like June, eager to make women friends like those at home in Edinburgh, it was upsetting to find that the other women teachers were wary of her. June was used to holding her own in men’s company, and she was surprised to see that Italian women appeared to be more submissive when in a mixed group.
The secret of any Italian structure, says Barzini, is who holds the power: the ultimate source of power is the family. “Family loyalty,” he writes, “is the Italians’ true patriotism.” This explains why an Italian may behave formally to you in the office but be informal at home. In the home you are part of a different network. Foreigners find the contrast contradictory and even disillusioning. The Italians see no such contradiction. The two worlds are entirely different domains. Any foreign territory is hostile until proven friendly or harmless. If you can’t ignore it or adopt it, then you deceive or suborn it in whatever way you can.
Invitations home are therefore an important step in the development of a relationship, as are invitations to family events such as birthdays, name-days, weddings, and funerals. If a family invites you to church, do go—even if you aren’t Catholic. As the Protestant Henry of Navarre is supposed to have said when invited to be King of France, on condition he converted to Catholicism, “Paris is worth a mass.”
Gift giving in some cultures can be a minefield. Common sense will get you through. If invited to an Italian home, gift-wrapped chocolates, pastries, or flowers are acceptable. Italy is an “odd number” country, so do not give an even number of flowers. Also avoid taking chrysanthemums, which are laid on graves at funerals and on November 2, All Souls Day (known as il Giorno dei Morti). Brooches, handkerchiefs, and knives all suggest sadness or loss so these should be avoided.
Most major Italian cities have expatriate sports and social clubs and organizations that cater to all nationalities. The American Women’s Club, the Rotary Club, Anglo-Italian clubs, and Lion Clubs all have branches in Italy. These can be a real point of contact for visitors as they offer a wide range of activities, and short-term membership is often available. Many organize Italian classes as well. Clubs are a good way to meet people (check the local tourist office for details).
On the whole, it’s not difficult to meet Italians. They are outdoorsy and outgoing. Social life revolves around the piazzas, with their bars and cafés, many with live music in the evening. There are even Irish pubs in northern Italy.
For young Italians, there is a lively clubbing culture. Discos are often huge and spread over many floors; they charge a high entrance fee (the price usually includes your first drink). They open around 11:30 p.m. Ask your hotel, or look in the local paper, for the best “in” place of the moment.
If you enjoy gambling and fancy a small wager, you’ll need your passport to enter a casino. Italians are not allowed in unless they can prove they are employed. Evening wear is obligatory. Opening hours are from 2:00 or 3:00 p.m. to around 4:30 a.m. Be careful not to confuse the word casinò (with the stress on the last syllable), which means casino, with the Italian casino (stress on the second syllable), which means brothel!
Friendship is a gift and the Italians are famous for it. No people could be warmer or more hospitable, but they realize that friendship must be worked at—it is a contact sport. Regular contact and, where possible, face-to-face meetings, are what count. The building of opportunities to help each other in an inhospitable world is an important part of that. Chapter 5 shows how that belief translates into everyday life.