As Usha and I paint away, I can’t fight the drifting thoughts flowing through my head. Why can’t I stop thinking about kissing Sarah? I’m not gay…right?
The thought of my dream stirs up a fire inside me. God, why can’t I get the image of her lips out of my mind? Or those dreamy blue eyes. I can just imagine what it’d be like to feel that blonde hair as it cascades down over me while she looks at me with those eyes as deep as an ocean. As if she would lean down and press her lips against mine.
“Wow, Dandi, I didn’t know you were into Sarah. Although, it really shouldn’t be surprising,” Usha asks as she looks at my canvas.
My eyes go wide. I didn’t even realize I was drawing her. “Uh…I’m not into her like that. I was just.”
“Aww, you have a crush on her, don’t you?” she asks.
“No, I’m not gay,” I snap back.
“Trust me, you just drew a very detailed portrait of her face. You really are in deep, there’s no denying it,” she insists.
“I am not,” I mumble as I look at my painting. I’m starting to have a hard time believing my own words.
---
I call Kennedy and ask if I can come over. She replies with a yes. She’s up at her dorm. I head up there and knock on her door. She answers it and invites me in.
“I don’t think I’ve given you the tour of my dorm, have I?” she asks. “By the way, where’s your ball?”
“Oh my God, I forgot it. I’m sorry. Let me quickly go get it,” I say, my heart racing like crazy. My head clouded with thoughts that scare me.
“Don’t worry, just get it after you leave. And I’ll forget I didn’t see it. So anyway, let me give you the quick tour. My roommate is gone at the moment. But we both have our own rooms and we have this nice little kitchen with a fridge and microwave. No stove, unfortunately, but we have a sink and a tiny little dining room. Oh and check out this living room. It’s nice and cozy. Have a seat. Want anything to drink?”
“No thank you,” I sigh as I slump into her couch.
She pops a squat next to me. “So what's up?”
“If I tell you a secret, will you promise not to tell anyone?”
“Of course, I’m your big sister, that’s what big sisters are for.”
“I think I might be gay,” I spit out.
“Oh, wow,” she says. “And how did you discover this?”
“I keep having dreams…”
“Ooh. Yeah. Say no more. Well, actually, what are the dreams about?”
I fiddle my hands together as my eyes drop to the floor. “Kissing a girl.”
“Any girl in particular?”
“Yeah…”
“This is a normal thing to happen. I used to get them all the time, and they all centered around this girl named Stacy in my high school. The sad part is that Stacy was definitely not gay.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Mine are of Sarah.”
“Honestly, that does not surprise me. It’s only natural to develop affections toward teammates. That is exactly how Cat and I started dating.”
I look up into those confident eyes of hers. “What should I do?”
“If you ever want to find out what these feelings mean, you’re just going to have to talk to Sarah. Besides, lucky for you, Sarah’s actually gay.”
“And how exactly do I do that?”
“Ask her to go for a walk with you.”
“Just like that?” I ask.
“Yep, just like that,” she says.
“And then what do I do? Do I tell her about my dreams?”
“No! Definitely do not do that. Just start out casual and try to get her to laugh. Then you just slip it in there. You want to know something?”
I lean in closer. “What?”
“I bet Sarah’s got feelings for you too.”
“How can you tell?”
“It’s kind of obvious the way she chases you around all over the place.”
“But she’s been avoiding me lately,” I sputter.
“Yeah, because you made it pretty clear you weren’t gay.”
“Oh my God. Did I ruin it already?”
“No. Not at all. Trust me, just try to explain to her how you feel, and I know she’ll understand.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because I’ve been through this. I’ve seen this so many times, it’s easy to spot. You and Sarah are the classic tale of ‘rivals’ to lovers.”
“I doubt that, I saw her with Cassie. What if they’re together?”
“Just ask her. What do you have to lose?”
“You’re right. I’m going to do this.” Hope and happiness flow through me as the swirling doubts ease back for now.
“That’a girl.” She gives me a big hug of encouragement.
---
“Alright ladies, we have only a few more weeks left before the season starts. We’re going to make cuts at the end of the preseason. That’s three weeks away.” My eyes meet Sarah’s and we both share the same fear. Then I look at Danielle. That was a mistake.
She looks so confident. As if the position is already hers. God, what if I get cut? I can’t fail now. I’ve put so much time and effort, failure isn’t an option. I need to work hard these next few weeks so that I can earn the position.
All throughout practice, I hustle as hard as I can. I dive for every ball. Focus on the task. There’s no way I’m going to lose now. Not when I’m so close.
When scrimmages come around. I’m tired, but I’m not giving up. Not now, not ever. Miraculously, I’m on Kennedy and Sarah’s team. As Kennedy and Usha go at it, I catch my breath. I hear. “Hey.”
I look up to see Sarah. I stand up straight. “Hey.”
“You look good out there. I’m having trouble keeping up with you.” The genuine smile on her face makes my need to talk to her more urgent.
“Thanks.”
“Of course,” she says, her eyes sparkle and dance.
“Say, do you want to go for a walk after practice?” I ask, hopefully.
“I can’t. I’m hanging out with Cassie after.”
“Oh…” I say, feeling a sting in my heart. All doubt and confusion seep back.
“You don’t mind if she spends the night, do you?” she asks.
“Umm, no, not at all. I didn’t realize you two were at that level.”
“It’s complicated,” she says. God, how could I be so stupid? It feels like my heart is painfully cracking at the seams as if it were made of glass.
“Subs,” Kennedy shouts and we both rush in. It’s become so hard to concentrate when I’m fighting back the tears and of course Danielle’s able to take full advantage and make a fool out of me as she destroys my defense.
---
As practice comes to an end, I just want to crawl into a corner and die. I’ve not only lost Sarah, but I’m about to lose my dream as well, and it feels like there’s nothing I can do as my world comes crashing down.
I head straight back to the dorms and climb into the showers as I break down and cry. I’m going to lose everything.
I don’t know how long it took to pull myself together, but eventually, I came out and buried myself in the sheets of my bed.
It was later that night after Danielle and Maly came to bed that I heard the sounds of two people rustling through the darkness. The subtle giggles and hushes as Sarah and Cassie slip into Sarah’s bed leave a sting inside me. My cracked heart shatters to pieces as I hear the sound of them kissing. In just one day, my entire world has come crashing down, and all I want to do is drown in the tears.
---
When morning finally arrives, it’s hard to pull myself out of bed. The world just feels heavier. As I head into the common area, there sitting on the couch all cozy are Sarah and Cassie, and my heart gets crushed.
“Good morning!” Sarah says all cheery.
“Morning…” I sigh, walking back into the bunk room. I just collapse back into the bed, no longer having the strength to get up.
Not soon after, Sarah comes in. “Hey, we’ve only got about thirty minutes before Bio. Are you coming?”
“I’m skipping,” I mumble.
“Is everything okay?” she asks.
“I don’t feel good.”
“Is there anything I can get you?”
“No! Just go away,” I snap out. My pain no longer being contained.
“Okay…I’m sorry. I hope you feel better.” Confusion and doubt clear in her words.