“Subacute subdural hematoma.”
The words spun around in Kristin’s head like the buzz of a trapped mosquito.
She shook her head, as if it would make the buzzing stop, as if those words would fade away and the bleeding in her son’s brain would miraculously stop.
“What does that mean?” Brian asked.
“It means that there’s bleeding inside his skull,” the doctor said. “And the bleeding is putting pressure on his brain.
“He needs surgical intervention to decompress the brain, stop any active subdural bleeding and evacuate the hematoma.”
“You want to operate on my son’s brain?”
“Yes, and we’ll need to transfer him to Midtown Children’s Hospital in New York City for the surgery.”
It wasn’t Dr. Marshall this time, but Dr. Reid—the neurologist. The one she’d hoped would finally be able to tell them why Caleb had gone into a coma and, more importantly, when he would wake up again.
She’d still been holding onto hope that it would just happen—that Caleb would open his eyes and everything would be okay. She hadn’t anticipated that the doctor would need to operate.
“Is it really necessary?” Brian’s voice now, challenging the doctor. “I don’t want to put him through any more trauma if we can avoid it.”
“It’s absolutely necessary, Mr. Clarke.” Dr. Reid’s response was straightforward and implacable. “The bleeding is exerting pressure inside the skull, pressure that is squeezing your son’s brain. If we don’t alleviate that pressure, your son will die.”
Your son will die.
The buzzing grew louder.
No! She forced her mind to clear, her thoughts to focus. She didn’t care what the doctor said—she wasn’t going to let Caleb die.
“And what are his chances with the surgery?”
“Stop it!”
Kristin’s outburst startled all of them, probably no one more than herself. She’d always deferred to Brian’s opinion, always respected his position as head of the household. But this wasn’t about what movie to rent on a Saturday night or where to go for summer vacation. This was about their son’s life, and it wasn’t open for discussion.
She took a deep breath and stared hard at her husband through the tears that filled her eyes. She wanted his support and understanding, but her decision wouldn’t be changed regardless. “This is Caleb’s life—and if this is his only chance, we have to take it.”
She saw her own emotions reflected in his dark eyes: anger, frustration, helplessness, and most of all, fear. She knew it was the fear that made him cautious. Fear of making the wrong decision. Fear that the surgery wouldn’t work. Fear that Caleb might die anyway.
But the biggest fear, at least for Kristin, was not doing everything possible to save her son.
Brian nodded, a slight, almost imperceptible, tilt of his head. Relief and gratitude flooded every inch of her, and she reached for his hand, linked their fingers together and squeezed gently.
Then she turned to the doctor. “When can you do the surgery?”
“We’re preparing the patient transfer documentation right now. I’ve called ahead to MCH and booked the OR for eleven o’clock tomorrow morning.”
Kristin nodded and the anxiety that had been jumping through her system settled a little. She was still afraid, but they were finally doing something to help Caleb and she believed it was the right thing. She couldn’t consider any other possibility.
Nick knew that Kristin wanted Jake and Katie to go to school the day of Caleb’s surgery. His sister thought it was important for the kids to stick as closely as possible to their usual routines. But he wasn’t surprised when he showed up at the house at barely six o’clock in the morning and found they were waiting with Jessica.
“They didn’t want to be anywhere else,” Jess explained as they piled into his Explorer. “And I can’t imagine they’d be able to concentrate on school while their brother’s in surgery.”
Nick nodded.
While her explanation was valid, he imagined she was grateful the kids had insisted on coming along. The conversation between him and Jess at the hospital yesterday had left a lot of things still unresolved between them, and Jake and Katie’s presence ensured there wouldn’t be any more discussion of their relationship.
Jess sniffed the air as she fastened her belt. “Coffee?”
He lifted one of the cups from the holder and passed it to her. Her eyes brightened perceptibly.
“Cream and sugar,” he said.
“Bless you.” She eased the lid off the cup and sipped carefully.
“Although we’re going to be on the road for a few hours, so you could catch some more sleep if you wanted to.”
“I can’t sleep in the car, it makes me nauseous.”
“I can,” Katie said from the back, curling up to do just that.
Jake had already settled back in his seat with his Discman and headphones.
“And I can’t navigate for you if I’m asleep,” Jess continued.
“I’m sure I can find my way to New York City.”
She sighed. “Must you always say it like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like it’s a four-letter word.”
“City is a four-letter word.”
“You know what I mean,” she chided.
“Okay, I hate New York City. Is that what you wanted me to say?”
She ignored his question to ask, “Why?”
He shrugged. “It’s busy and noisy and you were desperate to move there.”
“There were opportunities for me in New York that weren’t in Pinehurst,” she reminded him. “Like Columbia, for example.”
“And if you could have gone to college in Pinehurst?” he prompted.
“Okay—I would still have gone to New York. Is that what you wanted me to say?”
No—but it was what he’d expected to hear. What he’d always known.
“It’s going to be a long drive,” he said again. “Maybe we should talk about something else.”
“Maybe we shouldn’t even bother trying to make conversation.”
“There was a time when we used to be able to talk about anything.”
“That’s the problem, Nick. That time has passed.”
“You really believe that, don’t you?”
“It’s true.”
He shook his head, but he didn’t pursue the topic any further. There would be time enough for that later. He intended to make sure of it.
“It was nice of you to give Kristin and Brian the keys to your apartment,” Nick said.
“I don’t know if they’ll actually use it,” Jess said. “But at least there’s a quiet bed and a private shower if they need to get away from the hospital for a bit.”
“Do you live close to MCH?”
“It’s about a ten-minute subway ride.”
“You ride the subway?”
She smiled. “It’s one of the most efficient ways to get around the city. Cheaper—and often quicker—than the infamous yellow cabs.”
“Then why do you own a car?”
“Because the subway lines only go so far and there are times when it’s convenient to have independent transportation—despite the fact that I pay a small fortune every month to park my car in a secure lot a few blocks away from my apartment.”
“Is that another one of the perks of living in the big city?”
“I love the city,” she said, her voice several degrees cooler now. “It’s crowded and noisy and busy. And it has the best theaters, museums and shopping.”
“And after working eighty hours a week, how much time do you have for the theaters, museums and shopping?”
“Not as much as I would like,” she admitted. “But it’s nice to know that it’s all right there.”
“Everything except the moon and the stars.”
Her smile was just a little wistful. “The stars are definitely bigger and brighter in Pinehurst.”
He waited a beat before venturing to ask, “Have you ever thought of moving back?”
She waited even longer before answering. “Why would I?”
Trust Jess to answer his question with one of her own. Why would she come back when she had everything she apparently wanted in the city? For him? Yeah, that was likely.
Unable to provide a satisfactory response, he remained silent.
Their conversation throughout the rest of the trip was casual and sporadic. At least, until they got into the city. Then Nick was too busy attempting to negotiate through the snarls of downtown traffic to worry about talking.
It was after nine o’clock by the time he pulled into the multilevel parking lot across from the hospital, a good several minutes later before he found a vacant spot, and almost nine-thirty by the time they found Kristin and Brian in the hospital.
By that time, Caleb had already been taken away to be prepped for surgery. So there was nothing left for the six of them to do but wait and worry.
Kristin went down to the chapel to be alone and to bargain with God to save her baby. Once she got there, however, she couldn’t pray. She didn’t know how to ask God to help Caleb, because she couldn’t understand how God could have let such a horrible thing happen to him in the first place.
Her mother used to say that God protects innocents and children. But Caleb was an innocent seven-year-old boy fighting for his life, and Kristin couldn’t help thinking that God had failed her little boy. Just as she had.
She was grateful when Jessica came in and sat down beside her, offering a reprieve from these torturous thoughts.
“He’s going to pull through this,” Jess said.
Kristin so desperately wanted to believe it, but too much had happened over the past few days to let herself maintain any illusions. “It’s a risky surgery.”
“He’s a tough kid—like his mom was.” Jess smiled. “Do you remember when you fell out of the apple tree behind my house?”
“I was eleven, and it was a broken collarbone. Caleb—” She swallowed around the tightness of her throat. “He’s my baby.”
“I know.”
But she couldn’t know. Not really. Jess didn’t have any kids. She didn’t know what it was like to rock a fussy baby through the night or suffer with him through the cutting of teeth and the scrapes and bruises that were the badges of childhood. She couldn’t understand how every tear her children cried felt as though they’d been wrung out of her own heart.
She didn’t know how it felt to sit back, helpless, while her child’s life was in the hands of someone else. And she couldn’t possibly understand the guilt of knowing that no matter how hard she’d tried, she hadn’t been able to protect her baby. No matter how much she’d loved him, it hadn’t been enough.
“He was a surprise,” Kristin said. “To all of us.
“Jacob was nine, Katie almost eight, when I found out I was pregnant. Brian wasn’t thrilled by the news.” That was an understatement, and not the complete truth. She forced herself to acknowledge the rest of it.
“Neither was I,” she admitted softly. “We were long past the stage of dirty diapers and midnight feedings. It was hard to imagine going back to that again.
“But from the first moment that I held him in my arms—”
She broke off, unable to stifle the sob that tore at her throat.
“Maybe I didn’t want him enough. Maybe that’s why this is happening.”
“No.” Jess’s voice was firm, unyielding. Then she added, more gently, “It’s not your fault. This isn’t some kind of divine punishment for any regret you might have had.”
More than anything, Kristin wanted to take solace in her friend’s conviction. But she couldn’t quiet the doubts that continued to plague her.
“All I want is for my life to be the way it was,” Kristin admitted. “Even if it wasn’t the life I used to dream about.”
“I thought this was your dream—to be a wife, a mother.”
“So did I. Until I woke up one morning and realized my identity is completely defined by those roles. I’ve spent eighteen years perfecting an image, becoming the woman I thought I should be. Now I don’t know how to be anyone else.”
“Why would you want to be anyone else?”
“Because my kids are growing up. Jake’s seventeen, more a man than a boy now, and looking forward to college. Kate’s almost sixteen and starting to be interested in boys more than school.
“Caleb isn’t a baby anymore, either. But at least he still needs me. And I need to be there for him, because he’s all I have left.”
“Even after the kids are grown up and gone, you’ll still have Brian,” Jess said soothingly.
“You’d think so,” Kristin agreed. “But the truth is, my marriage is falling apart and I don’t have the slightest idea how to save it—or even if I want to.”
Jess knew she shouldn’t be shocked by this revelation. Katie had said her parents were fighting, and Jess had witnessed the tension between them. But this went beyond anything she’d imagined.
“What do you mean, your marriage is falling apart?”
Kristin sighed. “We’ve been growing apart for a long time. Probably since Caleb was born. Maybe even before that. And now, well…I’m pretty sure Brian’s having an affair.” A fresh tear slid down her cheek.
She couldn’t have been more surprised if Kristin had said that Brian had signed a contract to be the new starting quarterback for the New York Jets. “Why would you think something like that?” she asked cautiously.
“You mean other than the usual reasons?”
“What are the usual reasons?” She realized she should probably know the answer to that question. Then again, though her husband had cheated on her during their marriage, she’d remained blissfully unaware of his infidelity until his mistress had turned up pregnant.
“He’s hardly ever home. He’d rather be at football practice or a football game or meetings at the school. Anything to avoid spending time with me. And…we haven’t had sex in almost three months.”
Jess breathed an inward sigh of relief. “That’s hardly conclusive evidence.”
Kristin’s laugh came out on a sob. “You sound just like a lawyer.”
“Guilty.”
“But there’s something else.”
She waited silently.
“This is so hard to admit. I haven’t told anyone else—there’s no one I could tell. But I can’t keep it inside any longer.”
“What?”
“There are condoms missing from the box in Brian’s dresser. And before you ask, yes, I’m sure.
“Brian had a vasectomy in the spring, but—even though we weren’t having sex very often—we continued to use protection until we received confirmation that the procedure was a success. We’d just bought a new box of condoms, used one out of the pack, when we found out we didn’t need them anymore.
“A few weeks ago, when I was putting laundry away, I saw that the condoms had spilled out of the box. I picked them up to put them back and noticed that there were two more missing.”
“Have you asked Brian about this?”
“He’d just deny it.” Tears filled her eyes. “Or maybe he wouldn’t. I don’t know which would be worse—to have him lie to me or hear the truth.”
“What if there’s another explanation?”
Kristin shook her head. “What other explanation could there be? And even if I am wrong about an affair, it won’t change the fact that he doesn’t love me anymore.”
Jessica’s heart broke for her friend. “Kris—”
“No, please don’t say anything. I just—well, I don’t really know why I told you all of this now. Except that I’m so caught up in Caleb I don’t have the emotional resources to deal with anything else and I just needed to dump.”
“I’m so sorry I haven’t been here—for any of this.”
Kristin shrugged. “There was nothing you could do.”
“I could have listened.”
“You did now.” She managed a small smile. “I’m really glad you came down here. I thought I wanted to be alone, but when I am, I can’t seem to stop the negative thoughts that go through my mind. What if the surgery isn’t a success? What if he’s already suffered permanent brain damage?” She took a deep breath. “What if he—” her voice faltered, broke “—dies?”
And then her careful composure crumpled and she fell to her knees, sobbing. “Oh God, what if he dies? I couldn’t stand it, Jess. I couldn’t stand it if I lost my baby.”
Jess knelt on the floor beside her friend and wrapped her arms around her trembling shoulders as her own eyes filled with tears. And she sent up a silent and fervent prayer that Kristin wouldn’t ever have to know such soul-destroying grief.
Nick was alone in the family waiting room when Jessica returned. He could see the strain on her face, knew this waiting was as difficult for her as it was for the family.
She glanced around the room. “Where are Jake and Katie?”
“I gave them some money and sent them down to the cafeteria for lunch.”
She glanced at her watch. “I didn’t realize how late it had gotten.”
“Are you hungry? We could go join them.”
“No, thanks.” She pressed a hand to her stomach. “I don’t think I could eat anything right now. But you go ahead if you want.”
“He’s going to be okay.”
She forced a smile. “I know.”
But he knew that, despite their mutual expressions of confidence, they were both worried.
“How’s Kristin holding up?” Nick asked.
“She’s strong,” Jess reminded him. “So much stronger than anyone should need to be.”
“She is. But in spite of my earlier objections, I also know it’s helped her to have you here.”
“I wanted to stay with her,” she admitted. “But Brian came to find her. I think it’s important for them to be together and support one another now.”
He nodded and took her hand, lacing their fingers together. “I know I didn’t make it easy for you to come back to Pinehurst. But I’m glad you did.”
“Me, too.”
She managed a smile, and he was struck again by how beautiful she was—even more so now than when she’d been seventeen. Maybe it was the self-confidence she wore like a designer coat, or maybe it was the compassion that softened her golden eyes. Or maybe it was just that she was a woman now instead of a girl, and he was looking at her through the eyes of a man who had never stopped loving her.
The thought, so sudden and unexpected, jolted him.
Was he still in love with Jessica? Or was he only romanticizing their past because of the truth that had finally come to light?
It was difficult not to wonder how differently things might have turned out eighteen years earlier if only they’d talked about the loss of their baby. Or maybe it was naive to think that it would have made a difference—that if he’d known the truth, he and Jessica might still be together. So many things could happen in eighteen years. So many things had happened.
He didn’t know how long they sat together, holding hands in silence, before Jake and Katie returned. Even then, she didn’t draw away from him, so he continued to hold on to her, drawing strength and reassurance from her presence.
Jake sank into one of the seats across from them. “Any news?”
“Not yet.”
Katie sat beside her brother, her knees drawn up to her chest, her arms clasped around them. She looked so young and scared. Jake put his arm across her shoulders and she leaned into him a little.
Nick wished there was something he could do to reassure them. Instead, he could only be grateful that they had each other. They were a close family: his sister and her husband, Jacob and Katie and Caleb. They would need that closeness to help them get through this.
The door pushed open again. This time it was Kristin who came through it, with Brian right behind her.
Nick’s heart dropped as he saw the tears streaked on his sister’s cheeks. Jess, obviously noticing the same thing, gripped his hand tighter as they waited for the news.
It was the most excruciating two seconds of his life before Kristin’s lips turned up in a wobbly smile and fresh tears streamed down her cheeks. “The surgery’s over and Dr. Reid said everything went well. They got rid of the blood clot and stopped the bleeding.”
Katie jumped up. “Caleb’s going to be okay?”
Brian laid his hands on Kristin’s shoulders, rubbing gently. “The doctor wouldn’t make us any promises,” he warned, “but he said there’s every reason to believe Caleb will fully recover.”
Nick’s own throat felt tight as he joined in the hugging and laughter, but in the back of his mind he couldn’t help wondering what this meant for Jessica. Would she be leaving Pinehurst now, or would she stick around long enough to discover what the future might hold for the two of them together?
After stopping on the road for a quick bite to eat, it was almost seven o’clock when they got home. The light on the answering machine was blinking so Jess checked it right away, wondering if there might be some more news from Kristin already. But both of the messages were for Jake. The first was from Ethan, asking how Caleb’s surgery had gone, the second was the manager of DeMarco’s Grocery asking if he could come in for a few hours.
Jake decided he could use the extra money and Jess didn’t bother to argue. She knew he probably needed the distraction more than the money. So Jake headed off to work and Katie retreated to the living room to finish the homework she hadn’t done the night before, leaving Jess and Nick alone again.
“Tired?” Nick asked.
“Exhausted,” she admitted. “But I’m too wired to sleep.”
“It was a hell of a day, wasn’t it?”
“At least the last part was good.” She rummaged through the cupboards. “Do you want coffee?”
“I think I’ve had enough of that today.”
“I was thinking decaf,” she told him, holding up the tin.
“All right,” he said. He opened the cupboard above the stove and pulled out a bottle of Irish whiskey.
“To celebrate?”
“And to help you sleep.”
She had no objections on either count and turned the coffeemaker on. It was almost finished dripping through when there was a knock at the back door.
“I’ll get it,” Nick said, already moving to do so.
“Jake’s not home right now,” she heard him say. “He went in to work for a few hours.”
“I know.” She recognized Ethan’s voice. “I, uh, came to see Kate.”
“Kate?” Nick sounded puzzled.
Jess abandoned the coffee to rescue Ethan. “Kate’s in the living room watching The O.C. Why don’t you go on in?”
“Thanks.” Ethan kicked off his shoes inside the door.
“Why is he here to see Katie?” Nick demanded.
Jess only shrugged.
Nick’s eyes narrowed. “What do you know that I don’t?”
She ducked around him to the fridge. “That good Irish coffee requires whipped cream. Does Kristin have any?”
“No idea,” he muttered.
“A-ha.” She held up a can of the shake-and-squirt kind. “Perfect.”
She poured a generous shot of whiskey into each mug, topped them up with coffee, then swirled whipped cream around the top.
He eyed the frothy topping suspiciously.
“Try it,” she said, nudging one of the mugs in his direction.
He picked it up, took a cautious sip. “Not bad.”
She took a long swallow, closed her eyes and sighed with pleasure. The coffee was hot and sweet and sinfully indulgent. “Perfect.”
“Yeah.”
There was something in the throaty response that alerted her. She opened her eyes, saw his gaze fixated on her mouth.
She licked her lips.
“You missed some,” he said.
He touched his thumb to the corner of his mouth, wiped away a drop of cream. Then he lifted his thumb to his own mouth, licked it off.
Jess swallowed.
Thankfully, before he could say or do anything else to further weaken her already crumbling defenses, Katie and Ethan came into the kitchen.
“We’re going to go for a walk,” Katie announced.
With obvious reluctance, Nick tore his gaze from hers to respond to his niece. “Are you finished with your homework?”
She rolled her eyes, already stepping into her shoes. “Yes, I’m finished my homework.”
“Even math?”
“Even math.”
Nick scowled. “Don’t go too far.”
“Yes,” she said again, obviously just to placate him.
Jess felt her lips twitch but knew better than to let Nick see her smiling. Especially since he was standing at the window, frowning.
“They’re holding hands,” he said.
She took another sip of her coffee. “So?”
“So she’s fifteen.”
“Almost sixteen.”
His scowl darkened. “They’re going down to the creek.”
“Relax, Nick.” She put her mug down and pulled him away from the window. “They’re friends. He knew she’d be worried about Caleb and came by to offer her a distraction.”
“I’ll bet.”
This time she couldn’t quite hide the smile. “I don’t think it’s very different than when you and I were young.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
“Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
“I saw the way he was looking at her.”
“And if you were paying attention, you’d have seen that she was looking at him the same way.”
He sighed, and said again, “She’s fifteen.”
“I fell in love with you when I was twelve,” she admitted softly. “When you threatened to beat up Terry Brennan if he didn’t give me back my Scooby Doo lunchbox.”
“That’s not love, that’s infatuation.” But he smiled at the memory.
“Maybe,” Jess allowed. “The point is, I thought I was in love with you.”
“Well, Katie’s not in love with Ethan.”
“Did you notice that he’s the only one who doesn’t call her ‘Katie’? He calls her ‘Kate.’”
“I get the feeling you’re trying to make a point.”
“She’s growing up, and Ethan’s the only one who seems to have noticed.”
“He can notice all he wants,” Nick said. “As long as he keeps his hands to himself.”
“Right. Because teenage boys are the model of self-control,” she said dryly.
He started toward the door.
Jess stepped in front of him. “You can’t go out there and drag her back here by her hair.”
“It’s late,” he said. “She has school tomorrow.”
“You have to trust her, Nick.”
He didn’t look convinced. “They remind me too much of us.”
“Were we ever that young?” she wondered aloud.
“Maybe not that young,” he said. “But that completely wrapped up in each other—and look what happened.”
Okay, maybe he was right to be concerned.
But even now, even knowing how things had ended between them, how heartbroken she’d been, Jess wouldn’t have changed a single thing. Because in the one night she’d spent in Nick’s arms, she’d learned what it meant to truly love and be loved.
She sighed a little wistfully, accepting that she would never experience such all-encompassing emotion again. Because she would never risk her heart again.