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KATE
I look at my watch. Six hours and twenty-three minutes. That’s how much time has passed since I last spoke to Alvarez.
We sail through Hookton’s Channel and enter the wide waters of the Pacific Ocean. The sea is frothy with slate-gray waves.
I sit apart from the others, turning out to face the ocean.
A man died because of me today. A good man. And it’s all my fault.
The ocean spray hits me in the face. I close my eyes, trying to soak in the serenity of the open waves.
It doesn’t work.
For some reason, I don’t see Leo’s face behind my closed lids. I see his chest where the bullets struck him. I see red that blooms like a Rorschach test before my eyes.
The land blurs by on my left, the pale dun-colored beach and the taller dark brown rock cliffs. To my right, the ocean is unending miles of slate blue.
Time fades into the background. I can’t escape the Rorschach blotch. I see it in the variegated patterns of the ocean cliffs. I see it in the ebbing shadows of the ocean. I see it behind my eyelids when the sun hits them.
I don’t turn when I feel a weight on the seat next to me. I don’t want to talk to anyone.
“I volunteered to try and convince you to eat dinner.” Ben’s gruff voice washes over me. “But I know you don’t want to eat.”
“You’re right. I don’t.” I keep my eyes closed, not ready to face a living human right now.
“You’re blaming yourself for Leo’s death. I get that.”
Relief washes over me. I’m glad he doesn’t try to tell me it’s not my fault. “The worst part is that I broke up a family. Todd doesn’t have anyone now. Leo was his uncle, his flesh and blood. Real biological families are a rarity these days.”
“Todd has us. Families in this new world are made from the scraps of the old. You know that better than anyone.”
I finally turn toward him. “When the hell did you become a poet?”
He grimaces. “Every once in a while, my brain decides it’s okay to connect with my mouth. It’s not going to be an everyday thing so don’t get too excited.”
Our eyes lock. I study his gray irises. I see more in his eyes than I want to.
I let my gaze wander, taking in the handsome seams around his eyes, the ones that carry the sorrow he wears on his arms. The white shadow of stubble across his jaw accentuates the strong angle of his face.
If he’d remained silent, what would things have been like the night we kissed?
“I’d be in trouble if you were like this all the time,” I murmur.
“No chance of that happening.” His breath whooshes out of his lungs. “Not that I need to tell you that. I’m not a nice guy.”
“That’s not true. You’re one of the most selfless people I know. You just chose to let the asshole take the lead most days.”
Another long look passes between us. The yearning I feel in my chest threatens to crack me open. I’m the first to look away.
“Nothing will bring Leo back,” I say.
“No. Nothing.” Ben sighs. It’s a heavy, weighted sound. “If I bring you some food, will you eat? It will put everyone else on the boat at ease. It won’t fix things for you, I get that. But is it so bad to fix things for the ones you love?” He gestures with his chin to the far side of the boat.
Eric and Reed sit side by side, each of them eating out of a can of chili. They stare at me, concern plain on their faces.
My heart swells at the sight of them. Ben is right. I do love them. They’re as much mine as Carter and Jenna.
“You’d do anything else for them,” Ben says. “What’s a little food in comparison to running through Arcata with alpha zoms after us?”
Reed lifts the can in my direction, head cocked in question. “Food, Mama?” he calls.
“What about it, Mama Bear?” Ben raises a gray eyebrow at me. “After that, we can get you a tattoo.”
“Wh—what?”
He shoves up one sleeve of his fatigue shirt to display the tattoos that cover his forearm. “You can wear the pain.”
“Does it help?”
“Not really. But it beats throwing myself off a twenty-story building. Same rule should apply to you.”
“Is this the part where your mouth and your brain aren’t connected?” I ask.
“Maybe.”
“Remind me to pick up a roll of duct tape the next time we go scavenging. It might help keep the asshole at bay if I put a piece over your mouth.”
“I doubt it.” The eye crinkle he gives me is genuine. The way he looks at me takes my breath away. I think of what Carter had said before we left Arcata.
He leaves my side as Reed and Eric approach, one with a spoon and the other with a can of chili.
“It’s not warm, but it still tastes good,” Eric says.
I take it from him, even though my stomach is in knots and food is the last thing on my list. Ben’s voice plays in my head. Is it so bad to fix things for the ones you love?
“Thanks, guys.” I take the food.
They sit on either side of me, keeping me company with their silence as I eat. I soak in their presence, grateful for my apocalypse family.
My eyes drift to Ben. He stands beside Susan, the two of them bent over a map.
He glances up, our eyes meeting across the deck of the Fairhaven. He gives me a knowing nod as he watches me eat with my boys. I smile back in silent thanks. Even though I can’t make sense of all that lies between us, I’m glad he’s a part of my apocalypse family, too.