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A heavy layer of fog blankets the entire Realm of Purgatory. The streets are cobbled and worn. Everything is covered in ash from the celestial fire that burned Purgatory away, making the Realm appear only in shades of gray and despair. It feels heavy here, and it makes me nervous to continue on.
It makes sense the humans were supposed to exist here instead of the layers of the other Realms. From what I've seen and from what I've heard, it once looked like Earth. Their “afterlife” would have been comfortable for them, though I feel the Realms still have done their best to give them what they deserve.
"Stay close." Asmodeus says in a soft voice as he takes my hand in his. "Emmanuel is going to be weak for a while after your fight, but that doesn't mean you're not in danger."
"Why would he be weak? It wasn't really a fight." I let him lead me, enjoying the warmth of his hand in the cold. Asmodeus seems to know where he is going.
I wonder if I will ever figure this out, not that I seem to have a choice. All I had a choice in was changing out of that ridiculous dress and into a simple, more comfortable outfit—though I'm not sure I want to know how Asmodeus came into possession of feminine clothes small enough to fit me.
"Don't be so modest." He squeezes my hand. "You held your own, it was impressive."
"What do you mean? He almost killed me."
"You... don't remember?"
"Remember what?"
"When he grabbed you"—he looks at me like I've grown another head—"you blasted him halfway across the garden. He barely escaped. You don't remember doing that? Was it even on purpose?"
"I was the one who got hit." I say quietly. "I thought I was going to die."
"Well, maybe don't tell anyone else. It looked like you knew what you were doing, and that's good for you."
Great. I was about to die looking good. What about next time? What if Asmodeus is wrong, and coming here was a mistake? How do I replicate something I didn't even know I did in the first place? Somehow knowing I won that fight makes everything ten times worse. Just thinking about it makes my heart race, and I need a distraction before I let the anxiety get to me.
"Asmodeus?" His name feels like honey on my tongue, sweet and filling. "What is it Lucifer and Michael want you to tell me? Is it the reason your father told me to stay away from you?"
"I promised I would tell you, and I will, just give me some time. I am enjoying someone liking me for a change."
"Plenty of people like you." The partygoers who hung off him like ornaments, the many who he's left in his lustful wake. "Selaphiel really likes you."
"Well, he has excellent taste." He laughs. "But being wanted and liked are two very different things."
"I don't think it could be that bad. I'm usually a good judge of people, and you seem good."
"I appreciate that." He gives my hand another squeeze.
We finally stop walking outside a grand, ornate building untouched by the devastation around it. The marble that makes up the walls is tinted blue, and the doors are a marvel of art depicting humans, angels, and demons sharing books and conversations I feel like I could hear if I leaned in close enough.
"Ast collected books and knowledge from every place she went. She was also really, really meticulous with keeping her own journals." We remain outside it while he stares. Is he stalling, nervous to go in? "Every time she came to Hell, she took books back with her. It used to piss off my dad, but he never did anything to stop her." He laughs at the memory even though he just sounds sad.
"She sounds like someone I would have liked." I can't help but feel at home here, if not a little morose looking at it. The more I stare at the building, the more it seems like it hasn't seen any visitors since she died. I now see the cobwebs in the corners and the dust on the banisters. It's less a library and more of a tomb.
"I can't think of a single being who didn't like her." When he finally moves to open the door, it doesn't budge.
"It's locked?" That doesn't feel right. I can't explain why, but I know these doors should not be locked.
"Who the Hell is out there?!" A masculine voice bellows from inside. The doors burst open and I reactively leap back a few steps. Fuming in front of us is a much older man with blue eyes that appear cold with misplaced rage. His short gray hair flies around like he only now got up from a long nap and hadn't put himself back together yet. He is clearly human, but I have no idea why he would be hanging around an empty place so lost that it reminds me of the lands where the humans bury their dead on Earth.
"Calm down you crazy old man." Asmodeus snaps at him, receiving a glare in return until his icy gaze falls on me and melts.
"It's you. You're... you're back?" He is breathless as he stares at me.
"It's... me." I shrug. "Ta-da." I open my arms, and smile to try and relieve the tension. It doesn't work. I feel like I should know him, but besides the nagging feeling I've met him before and the look on his face, I don't know.
"You have no clue who I am, do you?" He sounds heartbroken as he echoes my thoughts.
"No one told you what happened?" Asmodeus pushes past him with me following close behind.
"They don't exactly send someone to fetch me for every little thing. You forgot about me out here." The strange man closes the doors behind me and looks me over as I stand nervously between Asmodeus and him. "You look so much like Ast."
"I wouldn't know." I shrug again. This is almost too awkward. I look to Asmodeus for an answer, trying to convey that I need an explanation.
"This is Heath. He was Ast's partner." He glances at the human, then back to me. "Lover. Whatever."
"Oh." I look back to Heath, but I don't have anything to say. Nothing seems right. I don't know who she was, really, but pain is still pain even when felt by a human.
"It's nice to see you again. No one told me what happened to you after Michael hid you. I thought that you'd... Well, you did forget about me, I suppose." He heaves a lonely sigh.
"Emmanuel attacked her yesterday. Michael made sure she didn't know anything up until now, so we're here for Ast's journals to get Allie caught up. " Asmodeus crosses his arms.
"Right." Heath glares at him. "And I'm supposed to believe you're the one in charge of keeping her safe now? Isn't that a little like letting a hungry lion look after a fat lamb?" His words drip with venom.
"Everyone can hate me as much as they want, but I'm around because she wants me to be." He matches the disdain with his own.
"I wonder if she'd still want you around if—"
"I want him around." I interrupt coolly. Heath looks at me for a second before he sighs.
"How long have you known him for? A day, two days? Can't be long if you just found out about all this."
"He protected me from Emmanuel—"
"He's the reason you need to be protected from Emmanuel!" Heath raises his tired voice, and both Asmodeus and I freeze.
"I-I..." He stutters before he continues in a voice that sounds extremely hurt. "I didn't want to do it this way."
"Asmodeus"—I try to keep my voice calm and soft even though I can feel my hands shaking—"now I need to know the truth." He takes a deep breath and looks me directly in the eye, almost like he's trying to memorize me. Heath remains silent, watching us, though he looks like he wants to jump between us.
"Ast died because of me." Asmodeus says, and I hear him, but breath can't reach me and I feel a sharp sensation crawl up my spine to my ears and to the back of my eyes. "I... killed her."
"Tell her why." Heath demands. I can't speak. All I can do is stare at Asmodeus and try not to imagine the horrors of Ast dying, even if I never did meet her.
"Allie, I'm different now. I made mistakes, please don't judge me for them." Asmodeus pleads desperately with me. "Back then, I did it for Emmanuel. I was manipulated, I—"
"Stop." I say quickly, feeling tears well up in my eyes. I feel like I'm going to be sick, and I finally look away from him. All three of us stand in silence while I stare at the ground, trying and failing to wrap my mind around it all.
"Kalliope? Please talk to me." Asmodeus tries to get my attention, and I look up at him. I want to see the demon I walked in the door with, the one who stood in front of Emmanuel for me. Instead, when I look into his eyes I hear his father's warning to me and Michael saying he ruined Ast. I feel Heath's anger. I feel the tinge of fear and it keeps me silent.
"You should leave." Heath glares.
Asmodeus looks to me briefly and without a single word to either of us, he exits, closing the door harder than needed when he does. Heath turns to me once Asmodeus is gone, but he doesn't look happy with what he just did.
"He was so nice to me." I say weakly. It doesn't make any sense. "I'm good at reading people, and Selaphiel said..."
"Yeah, I bet he was very nice to you. Selaphiel is biased, he has always defended Asmodeus, and you look just like Ast. Asmodeus was kind of obsessed with her if you ask me."
"What happened to Ast? What does that have to do with me?"
"I don't even know where to start." Heath walks past me, motioning for me to follow him. He leads me silently through stacks and stacks of books until we come to a giant reading area filled with study desks and large reading chairs in the heart of the building. He picks two that face each other in the center and sits in one, waiting for me to occupy the other.
Heath presses his palms together and places his fingers against his mouth with his eyes closed. He doesn't speak right away, and I'm silent, trying not to think of the hurt on Asmodeus' face before he left. If he's so dangerous, if he's that bad, why do I feel bad for not trusting him?
"What do you know about Emmanuel?" Heath asks me.
"He's... awful." A chill runs through me at the thought of his bony fingers reaching out to destroy me. The way he was in the library, so calm, while planning on wiping me out. The glee when he found me in the garden... If Asmodeus was working with Emmanuel, why get me away from him at the library and tell everyone immediately after? If he wanted to help Emmanuel now, why put himself between Emmanuel and me?
"He wants your power over Neutrality."
"My what over what?"
"Oh, Hell, those useless angels." He groans. "Okay... You can control the Neutrality. That gray stuff that floats around outside? That's more than rare, Kalliope. Only Emmanuel and Ast could do that. She tried to teach Asmodeus, but it didn't go far. If Emmanuel combines his and your ability to control it, he could throw the entire balance out of control. He wants to become a God, he always did. All that would take is absorbing the power from you."
"How come I never knew about any of this?" I stand up, feeling less despair and more pulsating resentment the more I think about it. "Someone should have told me! I should have known about Emmanuel, about her, about Asmodeus, and about me!"
"I agree." Heath's face is dark and shallow, morose. "But when Emmanuel went into hiding, after my Ast died, we made agreements that what really happened would stay between very few people. Only the people who absolutely needed to know about this, do. Otherwise there would have been chaos, and he likely would have had a lot more support."
"Why would anyone support that insane—" I stop myself mid-thought, knowing that line of questioning is going to send me into an even bigger spiral. "What should I do? What else don't I know?" The anger gives way to a sick feeling in my stomach. It's information overload. It's too many different emotions fighting for my thoughts. This is exactly what Michael and Lucifer were worried about, but they made this mess for me.
"I'm not a good person to ask. I've hidden in a library for a millennia. I recommend not doing that." He gives me a small smile, though all I feel is fear and tears in my eyes.
"What else do you know about my powers?" I ask in the calmest voice I can manage. "At the party, I... hurt him. How?"
"You did?" Heath looks surprised. "That's different. Ast couldn't. They were created so they couldn't hurt each other physically. That's why he got other people like Asmodeus to do it for him."
"Asmodeus protected me." I turn back in the direction of the door, and I can't explain why, but I feel like if I went out there, I would find Asmodeus still nearby. I don't think he'd leave me here, defenseless, not after everything that happened. Is he telling the truth? Has he really changed?
"You're a lot like Ast." Heath shakes his head. "She always made excuses for him. Right up to him killing her."
"But he did it for Emmanuel?"
"Asmodeus killed Ast for Emmanuel, yeah."
"What happened after that?"
"What do you mean?"
"What did Asmodeus do after he killed her?" I turn back to Heath, who looks at me with pity.
"It destroyed him, until he got close to... Look, I'm never going to forgive him, I don't think any of us will. I don't think you should, either."
"What happened?" I repeat. I know I'm not getting the full story, and I know Selaphiel wouldn't urge me in Asmodeus' direction if there wasn't good in him. If there's anyone who is actually looking out for me, it's Sel.
"Emmanuel tried to kill Asmodeus, likely to cover his tracks." Heath sounds like he doesn't want to tell me. He sounds bitter. "Selaphiel was the only one willing to help him after that. He's always been on Asmodeus' side. Then you and Asmodeus got close—really close—before Michael took you to Heaven."
"I trust Selaphiel. Thank you for telling me the truth, but I believe in second chances. Asmodeus tried to save me twice. I have to believe there's good in him."
Heath stands up, putting his hands in his pockets. "Look, kid, I think that's stupid... but you need people on your side. I'm not going to get in your way, but I will be watching. If Asmodeus makes even one mistake, I'm going to tell Michael and Lucifer for your own good. I'll get those journals for you, and you... do whatever you're going to do."
––––––––
I hesitate at the door before opening it, thinking Asmodeus might have proven me extremely wrong and actually left. With a deep breath, I push the door open and feel relief when I see Asmodeus sitting on the steps with his head in his hands. He doesn't hear me standing in the doorway, watching him.
He looks broken. Lonely. The poem he read to me plays over in my head, and the comfort in the way he held me in the garden envelops me. If I were only ever thought of for the worst thing I ever did, I would be defensive, too. What he did has very little to do with me, and I have to trust my instincts that he is worth the second chance.
Asmodeus doesn't move as I step up behind him, nor as I kneel at his back. Nothing I can think of to say feels right—none of it would make this better for either of us—so, I put my arms around him and press my head against the back of his. His whole body relaxes and, with great trepidation that shakes his hands, he laces his fingers with mine and places my knuckles against his lips before he finally says anything to me.
"I'm sorry." He speaks, but it isn't to me. I don't know how I know, but I do.
"I know." It's my voice, but not my words.
"I promise, I will tell you the truth from now on."
"Good." I hold him a little tighter. "Because we're going to be spending a lot of time together."
"We are?" He perks up and I laugh.
"I need a good distraction."