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The silence in my bare room is overwhelmingly loud as I try to sleep. Though I am exhausted, I can't keep my mind from sprinting through thoughts and new fears. I can't stop seeing Asm... Kalav... smiling at me, and I can't get the broken tone in his voice out of my ears as he tells me he killed my predecessor.
As my mind wanders, I look over to Ast's journal. Could she have left me some answers? I reach for it, flick through the pages, not knowing what I'm looking for. At first I only skim for anything familiar, then I come across an entry about Kal.
Lucifer found out today that Asmodeus has been assisting me. He was upset but I'm not sure why. Asmodeus is helpful and more like his mother than his father. It seems to me he just wants to be noticed. If he had more responsibility, he would prove himself to be quite an asset. Is Lucifer afraid of being upstaged? Or maybe, like the rest of us, he simply misses Lilith and is terrible at showing it.
A few pages later, Kalav's name pops up again.
Asmodeus confided in me that he wants to be known as Kalav now. I'm happy he's trying to figure out on his own who he is, but no one else is supporting him. Michael told him we don't get the luxury of choosing who we are when he asked more publicly to use that name. I don't believe that Michael is right. So far, I'm the only one who uses Kal's new name. I fear it may stay that way, and I'm worried it will make him act out. My poor boy only wants to be accepted, and I don't know how to help him.
It breaks my heart to read about how much she clearly cared for him, knowing how it all ended. I wonder what drove him to do it? Emmanuel's influence, yes, but I don't think it was Emmanuel alone. From what I can tell, the collective animosity towards Kalav started long before Ast was killed.
Heath began asking me what I plan to do about an eventual successor. He's worried that if I don't step down soon, I will become a target. I don't know how to tell him I always was.
Emmanuel always targeted her? Why? For her power?
While Kal shows promise as my eventual successor, his apparent friendship with Emmanuel is concerning. He knows the danger yet seems to misunderstand his intentions. I want to be supportive, because he is still young and needs it, but...
Maybe she saw it coming. Maybe she tried to save him?
.
Today I had to do something that I am not proud of. Poor Kal clung to me and I never discouraged it. He told me today that he loved me... I believe he is confused as to what love is. He is like a son to me, and I do love and care about him, but I fear this rejection will make him more like his father in all the wrong ways. I've hurt him more than anyone ever has.
I flip through more pages before I come across one long entry that makes me tear up as I begin to read it. It feels like I can see it happening. I've read about it so many times, sat beneath its window every day, but never has it felt more real than this.
Tragedy. That's all this was. I hope I don't ruin these pages but I can't stop crying. We were all so peaceful, but Emmanuel has changed himself and Kal with him. He convinced Kal that Kal was unloved and needed to demand respect that he would have no other way—and it all went too far. Kalav demanded Council with God and it did not go well. When we tried to convince him that we cared, he insisted we did not, even me... and he threatened the humans because nothing is more loved than they are. I didn't think he felt the same way his father did about them, but there seems to be a lot I don't actually know about him. I tried to save him, but my voice alone wasn't enough. Lucifer, my friend, used the opportunity to start his own war in order to save his son from being alone in his punishment. I don't think anyone could have known what it would become. With them, an entire third of Heaven fell, relegated to Hell. Michael was tasked with expelling the ranking angels himself, and I tried to...
Her sentence is muddied by a smudge and doesn't finish. Instead, she leaves a large ink stain and never continues. I don't think I want to know. The next page seems to have been written sometime later.
Kal met me at the library today. I haven't seen him in nearly an entire solstice. He has never been in such a dark place. He and his entire family have become something... else. I think we're calling them daemon, but it's nothing I've ever seen before. Emmanuel has changed, too. I worry about Kal. Only the other Rulers and us know that he caused the Fall, and we have agreed to keep it that way. Still, I am scared for him. Hell and all its sin is not the place for him, and now Heaven isn't either. The loneliness of Purgatory will not satiate his need to be accepted. I feel that his fall is my fault. I could have done more. I should have done more. Now all of the Realms suffer for my optimism.
Even after the Fall, she kept trying to keep the peace... Even after everything was so screwed up. I can't believe the amount of things I was never told the entire truth about. Yes, Lucifer instigated the Fall, but no one ever mentioned Kal's role in anything. Lucifer loves to take credit for it, so is he seeking glory in Hell or a reprieve for his son? Ast blamed herself, too, but did she think she alone was going to stop it? Every time I think I get an answer, I replace it with more questions.
Ast remains distraught through the next several pages. I wonder how she managed to find any hope. She sounds like the eternal optimist until the Fall, then she descends into a deep depression. Just as things begin to look up for her, I come across an entry that I wish I could forget ever seeing.
It is my hope this journal is never found. I should burn this cursed book. It would destroy Heath to know I betrayed his love for me. Worse yet, it was Kalav I betrayed him with. I had only meant to talk to him, to tell him that I believe in him still. I wanted him to embrace hope again, but the only thing he has embraced are his sins, his lust. I forgot just how charming he can be... I forgot he is no longer a child. This, too, is my fault. I failed him. He knows of no other way to seek love and connection, and I have only made it worse. I will never forgive myself, and I shall take my secret with me when I die.
While I don't know Heath well, I know this would devastate him to find out. This entry gives me a fleeting worry that the only reason Kal might be fixated on me now is because of my apparent similarity to Ast, though I don't feel I'm very similar to her from reading her words. Despite avoiding fights whenever I can, I'm no pacifist. I am not as selfless as she was. I would not make the choices she made.
I believe I am going to die.
A page close to the last entries I read in the library starts, and my heart sinks.
.
Emmanuel wants me dead, and I now believe he will use my Kal to do it. He is manipulative enough to make it easy work. I will have to choose a successor without him finding out. It can never be Kal and that breaks my heart. I'm not ready to die yet, but it will not be my choice. I'm not sure it ever was.
No wonder Michael has been trying so hard to protect me from his brother. Everyone is burdened by their own baggage. So many things have gone wrong for them. Ast tried so hard, and at the center of it all seems to be Emmanuel doing whatever he can to create chaos. He corrupted Kal. He killed Ast using Kal. He was behind the Fall. Yet, Ast still blamed herself for everything.
I know this is something Kal and I will have to talk about. What if he is still talking to Emmanuel? What if he does something stupid? I rub my eyes and sigh. I'm exhausted and I know I need to get what rest I can before tomorrow has the chance to bring more surprises.
––––––––
As soon as I close my eyes, I hear screaming and blink in blinding light until I can focus in front of me. I'm not in my room anymore; I'm on the streets of Heaven. I can tell almost immediately that this is not real because of what I see: I'm in front of the gates, in a large crowd staring at Michael who stands over a group of wounded angels at his feet. Armored angels hold down the only two not already lying in pools of their own bright red blood. It takes me a moment, as I get closer, to realize who I'm looking at. Lucifer, wings held out behind him by other angels, glares up at Michael's sword as he raises it over his head.
Nothing is said and I can't watch as he brings the sword down and severs Lucifer's wings. The mixed cry of pain and anger is deafening. The angels holding Lucifer let him fall on his face at Michael's feet. Attention then turns to Kal, the last rebel still with his clean white wings.
"I don't want to do this! You're the one who put me in this position!" I can hear Michael like he is right next to me. As I look at the crowd beyond Kal, I see a woman sobbing. Ast. I know it's her because she looks a lot like me, like everyone says. It's the same woman from the dream I had after the ball, and really, it is exactly like looking in a mirror.
"You can't, that's my boy! Please, stop!" Her eyes, a sky blue much lighter than mine, fixate on Kal while she sobs.
"Just do it!" A fury like I've never heard before permeates the air, masking his breaking voice. I blink and I'm next to Ast, seeing Kal as he looks at her. From here, he doesn't look as angry as he sounds; he looks like he's trying to apologize to her.
"Michael, you can stop!" She cries out. My heart sinks while she attempts to take a step to put herself between them when the flaming sword again rises. Heath pulls her back, begging her to leave it alone. "It wasn't his fault!" She fights, and Kal turns away. Heath wrestles her down to their knees. More than one person in the crowd comes forward to help hold her back. She is still screaming as Michael swings down and severs Kal's beautiful wings, leaving only two long bloody wounds in his back where they used to be.
The angels let Kal go and he slumps forward. Ast finally breaks away from Heath and the others and throws herself at Kal. She apologizes as if she could have done anything and cradles him like a son. I find myself unable to move my feet though I do wipe away tears.
The world falls away and is replaced, bit by bit, by the same fog from Purgatory. I look around and watch it begin to change until it takes on new shapes and colors. Ast, Michael, and Kal are here again. They are in an elegant bedroom, red and black, with large windows overlooking an expansive city.
Kal lies in bed, asleep but curled in pain. Michael and Ast are at his side, both wearing clothes still stained with blood. I watch them as Michael presses his back to the wall and slides down to the floor, silent tears staining his cheeks. Ast leaves Kal to comfort Michael instead. His face slowly turns from pain to anger to sorrow as he realizes in abject horror what has happened.
"It's going to be okay." Her voice is soft and light, soothing like a mother. She lets him cling to her and hide his head in her arms.
"What did I do? He's my brother! What did I do?" He sobs like a child. Like he truly did care about him.
As much as I dislike Heaven, I couldn't imagine being exiled like the Fallen were, left to gaze in at a home they can't return to. Even though Lucifer does get to enter, I'm sure it's not the same. There's always going to be the memory of what happened. There will always be reminders that he's a guest and not a resident.
"It wasn't your fault. I promise, no one blames you. He's still your brother, he'll always be your brother." She coos to him, trying to calm him while she also cries. I've never seen Michael cry before. I find myself wiping away more tears. Ast wipes her own away before she holds him at arm's length and forces a smile. "Look at me. You're okay. He's going to be okay. I'll take care of you both. You're still my boys!"
Michael doesn't protest, he only nods.
"Don't let this change you. The fact that you feel so bad, means you're still good."
Again, the scene fades into the Neutrality filled void and returns, this time putting me in Purgatory's library. Ast sits in front of me at a desk, pouring over a book. As I look over her shoulder, the words move and swirl over the pages, reminding me this isn't real. She looks so tired as I watch her. Not tired like she needs sleep, but tired like she's lived too long and seen too much.
"I miss this place." Her voice is hoarse and sad. "I miss them, too."
"Everyone misses you." I can't take my eyes off her. The more I look at her the more different we seem. "I don't think I can be what you were."
"That's never what I wanted." She looks up from her book and smiles at me. "Don't try to be me. Look where that got me."
"How am I talking to you? Is this a dream?"
"This is where I can talk to you. I'm a part of you. You can't exist without me, I'm sorry, but you're doing great."
"Don't be sorry about that." The thought brings me comfort, strangely enough, even though I don't fully understand what she means.
"I hope I gave you some answers in those journals." She pauses for a second, then continues, "I hoped you would help me with a few favors? Unfinished business, if you will."
"What do you need?" It feels like I'd do anything she asked me to. Nothing would ever be too much for her. It's easy to see why everyone loved her. She makes me feel like I'm safe.
"I need you to tell my Heath what I did."
"He already hates Kal though. How much more will he hate him after this?"
"That's why you need to tell him, alone. Let him work through it before he sees my boy again. I died with too many secrets, it's unfair to ask you to keep them for me. Everyone needs to deal with the things that happened."
"What else do you need me to do?"
"I need you to show Kalav the journal, too. Tell him about what I showed you. Mark the pages where I talked about him. He needs to heal and forgive himself, but he won't unless he's forced to. Unfortunately, you have to be the one to force him to."
"After everything he did to you, why do you still care about him?"
"Why do you care about him?" She grabs my hands. She feels colder than I've ever been.
"I don't know. I just think he deserves a chance. I don't think anyone is all bad... He makes me feel good, but he—"
"Exactly. Give him a chance, because he's good." She starts to tear up. "You're going to wake up in a minute. You also need to tell Michael everything, and explain what I asked you to do. You can show him what I wrote, too. They can't be at odds with each other if they're going to help you. Everyone needs to be on the same page."
"I don't want to wake up, I still need answers. I need to know more about you, I need to know more about me." My eyes sting with tears, but she wipes them off my cheeks with a soft smile the same way she did with Michael. Like a mother would.
"I've always been with you, and I always will be, but you don't need me to know who you are." She keeps her hands on my face and captivates my stare with hers.
"Will I ever see you again?"
"When you need me, sweetheart, of course." She pulls me close and kisses the top of my head so gently.
All I do is blink, and I'm back in my room, on my bed, with tears on my face. The sun is up and the journal is in my hand, closed over my thumb, but not on the page I fell asleep reading. This is one of the blank pages, or so I assumed were all blank, at the end. Ast's handwriting peeks at me from between the pages.
Scrambling to sit up, my heart races, wondering what else she could have written as her last entry.
I'm writing this in blank pages, in hopes it may never need to be read. This will be the last time I write to anyone, and I'm writing now to my successor. I finally know who you'll be, and no one has ever seen anything like you. I have some advice I hope you never have to use.
Keep the balance. Not just with the Realms, but with my family and with yourself. You are unique, but it comes with true peril. Because of your natural Neutrality, you can so easily be swayed to too much Light and Dark. You must be them all, or you will be nothing. I know you can do it. Please be strong. Please be good to yourself, and find what makes you happy. Don't let it go for anything.
Ast.