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Though day barely breaks over Heaven, the doors to its library are open and inviting. The light inside comes from beautiful lamps that match the stained-glass windows, and from little balls of Lightness cast by Selaphiel that float around the ceiling. I'm usually not up early enough to see it like this, and though I try to be quiet so I can enjoy it for a moment, I manage to still catch the attention of the only other being here.
Selaphiel stops whatever he was doing the moment he sees me and beams brighter than any ball of light could, and I can't help but to smile back as he comes up to me and throws his arms around me.
"To what do I owe the pleasure?" He says as he lets me go. His eyes land on the journal and his smile fades quickly. I wonder just how many people know about this journal.
"Sel," I take a deep breath. "Ast, she... she's a part of me."
"That makes sense." I'm relieved to hear him say it. Though I am worried how the others will react, he was the one I was least afraid to tell. I can tell him anything, even when I don't understand it myself.
"She told me, it was a dream I think, she said I have to show this to Michael, and Heath, and... Kal."
"I assume I'm not on the list, but—"
"I need you to tell me I'm not crazy." I hold it out to him. "I marked the pages she wanted them to read. It's a lot, and..."
"Come on. Sit with me while we deal with this." Sel takes the journal and gestures to a table nearby. We sit and, with no hesitation, he opens the journal and begins to scan the pages. Thankfully, he reads fast and doesn't stop to react. Why would he have to? He was there. As he finishes the last page, he looks at me with concern.
"Are you okay?"
"I think so. I'm scared to show this to everyone, but I understand why I should."
"And you're really going to show this to those three?"
"I have to." I shrug, "I agree with Ast. We need to get everything out in the open. I'm tired of everyone fighting."
"I really admire you," Sel says. "You're going to be a great Ruler someday."
"I hope so." I don't know if I believe it, not really. I will admit, though, that Sel is the only one I believe actually means it when he says it.
"I know so." He puts his arm around me as he slides the journal back in front of me. "Do you want me to come with you?"
"I want to do this on my own. I don't want to feel like I need a babysitter anymore."
"All right, little love. I believe in you." He gives me a squeeze before he lets me go. "Start with Michael... And you let me know if you need me."
––––––––
Michael is usually tucked away in his office, so it's not hard to find him. There is no answer when I finally muster the courage to knock, but I know he is there and alone, so I push open the doors myself. When I enter, he doesn't pay me much mind until I close the door for privacy.
"Can I help you?" He raises an eyebrow over papers he had been reading. "I thought you'd be long gone by now. Wasn't Asmodeus going to come collect you?"
"Something came up." I can't hide my nerves. This isn't going to go over well, but I have to do this. I fidget with the journal as I sit in front of his desk, waiting for his full attention before I speak again. Once I have it, I take a deep breath, because there is no way I'm saying any of this twice to him. I tend to talk fast when I'm nervous, but not today. I measure my words and keep myself outwardly calm. "I spoke with Ast last night."
"Excuse me?" He stares with both eyebrows up.
"In my dream, she told me she's a part of me. I think she really is. She showed me things I needed to know about, and I agreed to talk to you about it before I left today." I sound more sure of myself than I am, but I suspect that isn't my own doing. Maybe she's the one speaking for me when it's my voice but not words I would say.
"Oh, okay, that makes sense. Glad you clarified." I don't think I've ever heard him be sarcastic before, but it flows as naturally from him as it does me.
"In her journal, she talked a lot about Kal, and how much she wanted to try and help him be better. She showed me what you had to do after the Fall, and how bad you felt about it." I speak a little too fast, a little too high-pitched, in an effort to get it out.
"Why would Ast show you any of that?" His hand automatically goes to his hair, twisting it around his fingers out of his own nervous habit. It's easy to tell he's uncomfortable when he can't look me in the eye. Sel taught me that.
"Because I needed to know that there was still a part of you that does care about Kal, I think, and that you want what's best for everyone, me and him included." Again, it feels like her words, not mine. But I do believe them.
"I see." He doesn't give me more to go on, and still won't look at me, so I hold up the journal.
"I dog-eared the pages she wanted me to show you."
He takes it, but scowls at it. "Can I have some time alone with this before I give it back?"
"I'll go outside." I give him a half-smile as I stand. "Right after this I'm going to talk to Heath. She said I have to... It’ll make sense after you read those pages.”
“Kalliope?” He catches my attention before I almost run to the door to escape the awkwardness. He pauses, too, like he’s searching for exactly what he wants to express. "Thank you."
I close his door and head outside, unsure who the distance feels better for: me or Michael. Within minutes, I'm approached by a gaggle of humans and angels. I can tell they have heard the story by now. Word travels fast here, and the goal was exactly this so there would always be eyes on me. Success. The least I can do now is get some experience with talking to the public, right? It's stupid that this scares me more than Emmanuel does. I put on a smile through the nerves and greet them.
"Can you really control neutral energy?" One angel asks.
I take a single breath before another chimes in: "Do you feel safe around demons?"
And yet another: "Aren't you afraid of Emmanuel?"
"Hang on, hang on." I try to make myself sound playful even though these are intense questions I don't even think I have the answers to. "I'm... I can control Neutrality."
One question down. Though it's all lies, they seem impressed. I wonder if someone will show me how to actually use Neutrality at some point. If anyone else can.
"I believe there is good in everyone, even demons." They look skeptical. It's not a popular belief to hold, especially in Heaven. I've been in many arguments over that specific belief, but I do still hold it... especially after meeting Kal. "I'm very well protected, so I'm not worried about anything." Will I ever be able to tell the truth? Is being a Ruler now synonymous with being a liar? How does Michael do this and seem so put together all the time?
"What is Asmodeus like?" An interested young angel woman asks. The rest of the group murmurs in approval of her question. It stumps me on how to answer in a way Michael would approve of, something non-committal that doesn't put anyone in an awkward position, so I wing it.
"He is... charming."
"I saw you at the party!" Another one, a human, speaks up. "I saw you two together!"
"Are you two together?" Someone else asks, and I turn beat red.
"No, no, we're just friends." Friends who flirt, kiss, and keep awful secrets for the other.
"Why not? Everyone wants to be with him!"
"Not everyone." Michael's voice saves me from answering. He walks up with a cocky smile and a wink for me while the group around me giggles and laughs. "I've never had the interest myself."
"What about—"
"Okay, okay, let's leave Kalliope alone so she can go do important Ruler things." Michael shoos the gaggle away. As they leave, I hear them talking about me still, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. He waits until we're alone to hand Ast's journal back and drop the smile. He is a good actor for the uninitiated, and it makes me wonder how many of our interactions he was also pretending for. Was his aversion to knowing me in the past... a way of protecting himself? He clearly loved Ast, and even Kal at some point, and if I were him, I wouldn't know how to process any of it.
"That was rough reading. Are you okay?" He looks at me like he's genuinely concerned.
"I'm okay. I'm not sure Heath is going to be."
"She told you to show him that? Really?" He seems as nervous as I am. "He's going to kill Asmodeus when he finds out."
"She said I have to show him alone, so he can work through it. I'm going now before I meet up with Kal."
"Do you want me to go with you? Emmanuel isn't making any moves right now, but I don't think you should—"
"I'll be okay. I need to learn how to do these things on my own. I'm not going to be protected forever."
"Just get to Asmodeus as soon as you can." He pauses after saying it out loud and groans. "I can't believe I just said that to you."
"Why do you call him Asmodeus if you know he prefers Kalav? Why doesn't anyone use that name?"
"I don't know about anyone else, but for me, I grew up with Asmodeus. Not Kalav. I don't know who that is."
"Maybe you should get to know him. He's a lot nicer than Asmodeus seemed to be." I give him a half-hearted smile and a shrug before I leave him standing there, sighing at me, bidding me one more time to be more safe than stubborn.