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In my dreams, I see the memories of Ast like I had before with the diary and in the gazebo, but distorted. The colors are gone in some. In others, I see myself instead of Ast. I see present day Kal instead of the young one Ast knew. I see Emmanuel in all of them, watching and laughing and enjoying the destruction he's caused. I wake up to his voice in my ear, telling me I'm next, reminding me that my blood tasted good and he can't wait to see what it looks like when I break apart from the inside.
As chilling and haunting as these dreams have become, I can't tell anyone. Not even Kal. I don't want to see the looks of pity or return to eavesdropping on the conversations behind closed doors like a pariah just to know what's being said about me.
I've been more tired since starting the meditations. Every time I try it, I get a little better at visualizing that little ball of gray energy, but I have yet to produce anything except more nightmares. My only distraction has been stolen moments with Kal and the library in Purgatory that I had to fight to go back to. Kal isn't allowed to leave me as long as I'm in danger, but neither of us mind. It allows us the closeness I crave from him, and he often leaves me to sit outside the library as a way to make me feel independent, which I didn't know I needed until he started doing it.
Heath is happy to have the company. Emmanuel has never seen him as useful or a threat, so he's not worried about any increased danger, though he is not a fan of the relationship I've started with Kal. I understand his point of view, I do, but he can't understand what Kal has become for me. He doesn't understand that Kal is the only thing keeping me sane right now.
Today, Heath appears even less amused than usual by my infatuation as he sits across from me and makes me give him the focus I was pretending to give the book in my hands. I often find myself daydreaming about what a Purgatory filled with life again would be like, with Kal there by my side. No longer just a Prince of Hell, but the King of Purgatory. It's a nice thought that keeps my mind off the source of my fear.
"How's the whole... meditation thing... been going?" Heath seems extra tense today as he taps his fingers on the table.
"Not great. Apparently I am not the prodigy everyone thought I was gonna be." I sigh as I put down the book and slide it away.
"Distracted by something? Maybe you should practice on your own for a while."
"Heath..."
"I'm just worried about you." He pauses with a long sigh. "I'm doing my best to be objective."
"I know you still don't like Kal." I brush my hair away from my face to hide my eyes rolling back. Though I've managed to avoid this kind of conversation from everyone so far, I knew it was coming at some point.
"I'm worried you're putting too much stock in your feelings for him. You think he's changed, but—"
"Am I not allowed to have feelings for him?" I sound more defensive than I mean to be.
"Look, he doesn't really do relationships. I'm glad he likes you, but he's not going to give up being a whore just because you're pretty and important. At best, he's going to break your heart when he gets bored."
"Everyone knows he's like that. I never said I was trying to change who he is." But the night at the waterfall, that wasn't something he'd do for just anyone, right? Isn't it different for me? He said he'd never had anyone in his own bed, and his bed is the safest place in existence for me... Doesn't that mean something?
"So you're not falling for him?"
"No." Though I do plan on enjoying my time with him, as long as I can, whatever that looks like. Have I truly fallen for him though? No. Definitely not...
Who am I kidding? If I fell anymore Lucifer would think I was trying to upstage him.
"If he ends up breaking your heart, I'm going to have to punch him again."
"He's not going to break my heart because he's not going to have it." I shrug. "I know what he's like. I just... I really like being around him. He makes me feel good, and he protects me... I feel safe around him."
"I'll hold you to that. I'd really love to punch him again, you know."
"I'm ready for a rematch if you are." I jump when Kal speaks from out of sight. He walks up to us.
"How long were you listening?" I ask, quickly standing up and straightening my skirt, making sure it touches the back of my knees to avoid any potential embarrassment. I don't normally wear skirts, which may be another dead giveaway that I'm in deep trouble. Maybe Heath is right, maybe I should be focusing less on Kal and more on honing my powers... though without Kal, I wouldn't even know what to do.
"I heard enough." He glances at Heath with a smirk. "You won't need to punch me again, old man. I don't plan on deserving it."
"Right." He clearly doesn't believe Kal as he looks the prince up and down, but there's not much either of them can really do about each other.
"Ready, Kalliope?" The way Kal says my name makes me blush and trip over my words, so I only nod to avoid proving Heath right about me. I let Kal lead me out after giving Heath a smile, and he reciprocates, though his smile doesn't meet his eyes.
We walk out onto the street, the still and dead air around us now a comfort. This is where I was always meant to be. Here I can breathe, here I can think. Kal lets me linger for a moment before he captures my attention with a soft, kind smile.
"I think I finally figured out what your problem is."
"My problem? With what?"
"Neutrality." He takes me by the hand. "You're too emotional."
"Oh." I feel deflated. I thought I had been doing so much better, I didn't think I—
"That's not a bad thing." He says quickly. "The way I learned was good for me. The way you need to learn, though, has to be different. You did it the first time because you were scared, really scared. You have to tap into emotions like that to do this right. You need to really feel your feelings."
"Oh?" I perk up. "Okay, so how do we do that?"
"You'll see." He winks at me.