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The room I wake up in is dark and unfamiliar to me. Cold, hard stone is below my bruised and bleeding knees that struggle to bear my weight. My arms are outstretched to each side and held in that position by unbreakable chains attached to either wall. They are the only things holding my weak body up in a kneeling position from which there is no escape and no rest.
Light from the open door is absolutely blinding, a direct contradiction to the unreal darkness of the room I'm held in. As my eyes adjust, I find I'm not alone, though I so very much wish I were. Surrounding me, complicit in my pain, is Michael, Si, Heath, and even Selaphiel. They do nothing to help me no matter how much I plead, and instead whisper to each other and laugh. They only stop when another figure enters the room carrying a short whip the same gray color as my own Neutrality. A figure tall and imposing and never before as frightening as he is right now. I know this can't be real, because it's him in front of me, and he would never hurt me.
"Kal, please—" I beg him in hopes I can reach the Kal I used to know, the one who promised to protect me, the one who I thought I meant something to, but he doesn't listen to me. He brings the whip in his hand down hard across my body, opening yet another large wound to bleed freely, demanding a scream that rips at my throat.
"I thought you were smart. You really thought you were more important to me than what Emmanuel can offer? You think you're that special?" He laughs, and the rest of my friends laugh with him while I cry and strain against my binds.
"You love me!" I insist because it can't be true that he doesn't. He's done too much to prove otherwise.
He throws the whip to the side with a laugh and kneels in front of me. I look into his eyes to see if my prince, my sweet, damned prince, is still there somewhere... and find only black voids where the most beautiful green once shined on me.
Slowly, he lifts his hand to my face, then quickly grabs me so I can't make any sound. His fingers dig into my cheeks, blood dripping from where he breaks through the healed skin. I try to cry out but no sound escapes through his hand over my mouth, only muffled pleas for him to stop.
"My dear," he says with a smile. "You can't fight me. Don't even bother." He leans in closer while I struggle to move away from him. He chuckles in my ear and I feel him lick blood from my skin with the same passion he once pressed his lips to mine with. I close my eyes tight and silently cry in anticipation of what is next in his bid to torture and break me.
His hand lets go of my face leaving only pain behind. My arms, heavy and sore from being used to hold my entire body up for so long, are released from the chains. As they fall to my sides and I feel sick from shock, I open my eyes, unprepared for what I see next.
My old room, bare and plain as it was when I went to sleep last night. The light of Heaven feels too bright after the darkness of the nightmare, rushing me to adjust to the waking world. I still feel the slash across my chest that doesn't really exist, I still feel the pain in my shoulders, and I still smell the blood, though none of it was real. I'm slow to rise and slower to process that it was just one awful nightmare and not reality, though it has officially taken the prize for the worst nightmare I've had since Emmanuel set me on the path to my fate.
No sooner do I dress and leave my room, not ready to face the day but also not ready to be chastised for staying in bed, do I come across Michael in the hallway. He smiles when he sees me but I get the impression my breakdown in his office is not forgotten, because his voice is much kinder than usual.
I hate it.
I don't want special treatment because of one moment of weakness in the face of all this responsibility. Selaphiel would be trying to tease me about it, and I wish he were here right now to do just that, but Michael doesn't know how to talk to me. He doesn't really know me at all.
"Hey, I was going to come find you. We're going to meet with Lucifer in Purgatory to talk about your announcement."
Why the Hell am I never asked, only told, about these things? What if I don't want to today? What if I had plans and things I wanted to do?
"That sounds fine." I don't have it in me to argue. I want this over with. I want that nightmare out of my head and I want to work the anger out of my system somehow, before it gets the better of me.
––––––––
Though Michael makes feeble attempts at conversation, I say nothing on the way to Purgatory. I feel exhausted. How could I not be? I can't stop thinking about that dream. I know it's only stress, and if I tell Michael about it he will tell me as much. He might even get worried about me, which means more unwanted attention. Or worse, like in the dream, he may not care at all. Would he take some pleasure from knowing the pain in his ass is finally feeling the pressure? No, he wouldn't. He's not like that.
Right?
Lucifer and Kal are already at the library when we get there. Though the building is huge and there is enough space for hundreds, it still feels so very cramped with the five of us. I sit, alone in my usual chair, while the others greet each other and talk like I can't hear their hushed voices. But what else is new? I only ever know what's going on through overheard whisperings.
"I'm not sure what's wrong. She's angry about something, but I don't want to make it any worse. Last night was rough on her." Michael says delicately when Lucifer asks why I'm not speaking to them. "Let's get this over with so she can relax a little. It might be the imbalance still affecting her." I don't understand why they won't just talk to me. Why is it always like this? Why doesn't anyone ever include me in things that directly concern me?
"She has to participate in these things with a level head, or else there's no point in parading her in front of the Realms like we're making any kind of progress. We can put it off, if it means she's not going to snap on us." Lucifer sounds equally as concerned as Michael.
"We might have to anyway, I'm not sure I can even come. There have been some issues on Earth I'm going to have to deal with. It might be Emmanuel trying to pull something. We can't let him have the upper hand again."
What? Now Michael isn't even going to show up? Is he really choosing humans over me? I have consistently chosen him over my best friend, and he can't even be bothered to show up to one event?
"I don't know, it's not like waiting will change the situation." My stomach turns when Kal chimes in, his voice sounding like it had in my nightmare. I close my eyes and try to force those images out of my head. "Things are just going to get worse. This way, we might be able to get some more support behind her before Emmanuel finds her vulnerable again."
I can still feel his fingers on my face, the same place Emmanuel had hurt me. How can I let those same fingers ever touch me again when the nightmare felt so real that I can still feel the ache in my knees?
"Public support will only get her so far if she can't use the Neutrality successfully. I thought you had a breakthrough with her, briefly. What happened to that?" Lucifer sounds as annoyed as I feel.
"She doesn't have any control over it, she's way too emotional. She's scared, and all she's managed to do is nearly kill me a few times by accident. We cannot allow her to use her powers when she's like this. We won't be able to pull her back once she crosses the line."
"So, what do we do?"
"Let's talk to her about her announcement like we planned. Maybe it will get her mind off of whatever is bothering her." Even Heath's voice pisses me off. I'm not a problem or a puzzle, I'm not something they can just fix. "Maybe you two can go do something. Get her to open up? Put those stupid feelings you set in her head to good use." He would never understand why right now Kal is the last person I want to see or connect with. How funny it feels to finally be questioning Kal and his intentions. To finally be questioning his loyalty. It feels like connecting the dots everyone has been giving me.
Maybe it's because that could easily be him. He killed Ast for Emmanuel even though he claims to have loved her, so who's to say he isn't still capable of killing me? Killing me would be a blessing compared to the dream. Is that why he's been so close to me since we met? Was that the plan all along? Everyone else seemed convinced that it was a possibility, maybe I should have listened to them. It's kind of funny, in a sadistic way, that they'd likely defend him right now if I brought up my concerns.
"Kalliope?" Michael's voice banishes all my thoughts. I look up to him sitting directly across from me with everyone else nearby in their own chairs, staring at me. Oh, crap, how long was I not listening to them? What did I miss? Not that it matters... If it did, I would have been in the conversation much earlier.
"Sorry," I sigh. He and Lucifer share a worried look before Michael readjusts to readdresses me. "I... wasn't listening."
"Lucifer was saying that in a few days you can use the main square in Hell for your announcement. By Hell's traditions, it would be more of a coronation with a ceremony. What do you think of that?" Michael watches me like he's worried I'm going to break. If he were going to be worried, I'd have preferred he be worried before throwing me headfirst into this living nightmare. He could have told me at any point about me and the real history of the Realms, but I guess it was just easier for everyone else to forget about me in the library. Make me Selaphiel's problem, until even that was inconvenient, then forget about him, too.
"Yeah, that's fine." Would it matter if it weren't?
"If you think it's too soon—"
"I said it's fine!" I snap and stand, unable to hold the boiling rage inside when they insist on treating me like a fragile child. "I heard everything you said—you won't stop talking about me like I'm not even here! And I don't even know why you're all suddenly so worried about me being stressed out, as if I have any choice to be anything but stressed out. I never had a choice! None of you ever gave me a choice! Why start now? Just plan everything for me and then tell me when to show up, if I'm not dead by then and not such a fucking problem for everyone anymore!"
Everyone freezes with their eyes trained on me. All I can feel is the rage and fear that's been building since this all started, simmering right below the surface, until now. None of them seem to understand. They were all born into importance, I wasn't. I wasn't born into anything. I wasn't supposed to be anything. They made sure of that.
"Allie..." Kal stands, but I don't want to hear him say my name right now. I don't want him to try to calm me down or tell me to breathe. I just want some time, any time, to myself to think and process and not feel so overwhelmed. I need to get out of here and away from them. I need to get away from him and the terrible version of him I'm not even convinced is only in my head.
"No. You can stay away from me. I'm done with this, I'm done with all of this, I'm done with you." Though I'd think that would have been clear enough, he still comes up to me and tries to put his hand on my shoulder. I move out of his grip, "No, I don't—"
"Let me help you. You're going through a lot right now." Even though his voice is so much sweeter than it was in the nightmare, the nightmare woke me up to too much I'd been ignoring. I don't know if I can trust anyone, not really. What is my guarantee that they wouldn't sit around and laugh while I'm in pain? What do they owe me that would make them save me? Friendship? It's not enough. It was never going to be enough.
Kalav tries to put his hand back on my shoulder, and I go to push him away, screaming, "I said no!"
The second my hand connects with his chest, he flies back like he had in the gazebo. For a split second I'm worried I may have actually hurt him, but who was there when I holed myself up in his room for days after I stood my ground against Emmanuel? Who came to check on me? No one. I was alone. They fought over who would be my keeper. I don't need one. I can take care of myself. I have for this long, haven't I?
When it finally registers what just happened, Michael goes to Kal's side to make sure he's okay. Lucifer and Heath also stand, but they don't move to me or to Kal. Likely out of fear of me. That's good, finally something in their eyes other than pity. They think I can't control Neutrality?
Look at what I can do now.
Without a word, I turn and leave. I need time, I need space. I need to get out of here. I don't want them to try and coddle me anymore. This time no one tries to stop me. I'm free to walk out of the library and down the road through fog so thick I can barely see where I'm going. I'm finally free of them. Finally, I can think.
They don't understand. They have no idea. They wouldn't. They've never had to do what I'm facing. I feel like Emmanuel could show up at this very moment and I would have no issues with defeating him with the kind of rage that lives inside me. I could do it. I'm stronger than they want to believe. If they would just stop treating me like some puppet only there to be useful to them and do their bidding.
It isn't until I come across the broken stairs that I finally stop fuming and internally raging and take pause to just stand in the silence of Neutrality. It floats effortlessly around me, absolutely unaffected by me or my emotions. I know it wasn't always like this here... I know it used to look the way Earth looks, feel the way it feels... But that's almost worse. Humans and their Realm are awful. Why would I want to make this place the way it used to be, for them? I don't want to perpetually rule over a copy of the place where I have only ever felt pain and fear.
That's not true. A voice in my head reminds me. It's right. Kal did take me to that beautiful waterfall, and that wasn't scary or painful, that was... amazing. But that same Kalav has a past of awful things and a potential for worse, and while I could ignore that in favor of his sweet talk and his damned smile then, I can no longer pretend I know he's changed.
With a deep, heaving sigh I sit on the bottom steps and stare out into the street. As I breathe, the negativity begins to leave my body, but it's not replaced with anything. It's replaced by nothing. A dull, aching feeling that I'm not feeling anything. Too drained to really feel. Too tired. Too much in my head to leave space for emotions. If I had the energy to care, I would be concerned with how similar this feels to the imbalance Kal himself inflicted on me.
Maybe I do belong here in the wasteland. It's quiet, it's empty. There are books and Heath if I need company, though I'd likely wander alone forever. I can leave if I want to... I could also get lost here. Lost and never found, with just my thoughts to occupy me. Would that be so bad? An existence that is finally quiet and safe?
But you have a responsibility.
A responsibility I never wanted. There's always been someone more qualified for doing important things. I don't want to do important things. I just want to exist. I want to be allowed to go where I want, do what I want unmonitored. I want oblivious monotony back. I want the old, nice, quiet me back.
No one else can do what you can do.
But I don't want to.
You're not alone.
But I feel so alone.
They can't help you if you don't tell them.
I don't need help.
Everyone needs help.
I don't want help.
You can't exist angry forever.
I'm not angry. I was, but I'm not really angry... I'm scared. I'm scared of dying, I'm scared of Emmanuel, and now I'm scared of my own friends.
The people I just walked away from are not the same people in the nightmare. I know that, deep down, I know that. Now I'm the nightmare, and they are scared. Scared of me. Little me who is carrying more than I can hold but refusing to let anyone help. That's what has to change.
I have to change.