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Though I know I want to leave Purgatory, I have no idea where I want to go. Options being limited between the two of us means Kal guides me around a little aimlessly until we end up back in Hell, sitting together in the garden behind the mansion as if it were another Realm unto itself that only we inhabit. He lets me sit and be quiet in my own thoughts for a long time, his arm around me like a barrier, until finally he speaks and draws me out of my maze of thoughts, and back to him.
"Do you want to talk about what happened?" He asks casually, like he were talking about the weather and not about an earnest effort to maim him.
"Not really." I don't want to have to tell him I can't get the image of him hurting me out of my head. I can't tell him I'm more scared of him than I am of Emmanuel right now. I don't want him to know that even after his reassurances, I still feel the seeds of fear rooted into my mind.
"I want to fix things. I can't do that if you don't talk to me." He pauses, waiting for me to respond, but I can't bring myself to tell him all the ways he affects me and how it all overwhelms me. I don't want to ruin a calm, happy moment. I don't want him to act differently, and I don't want him to change. "It kills me to think you don't trust me. I thought I was being gentle when we had sex. Why didn't you tell me—"
"I told you, it didn't hurt." I'm more relieved to talk about sex than I am about trying to kill him, but it still feels awkward and uncomfortable. "I don't even know how to describe it. It was good, really good, but that's why it scared me."
"Oh, I know I'm really good." He laughs, and I do too, though it's forced for both of us. There's something about hearing his laugh with my head against his chest that fills me with the same warmth he always exudes. "But like I said, it was different for me too."
"How so?"
"You see me." He shifts, but doesn't move me away from him. If anything, he holds me closer. "Most beings see what I can do for them; they see how I can give them pleasure. I can fulfill every depraved fantasy they can't say out loud. They want to get close to my father, they want the gossip and the secrets, and they want to be able to tell their friends they were with the Prince of Lust."
"But that's not... you. None of that is you."
"I enjoy the attention, but it's not filling." He sighs. "But you, you looked at me, and you woke something inside me."
"I still think you're going to get tired of me." If someone had told me yesterday I'd be opening up to him like this, I would have said they were insane. "The people you're usually with are beautiful, they're all so... much better than me."
"You're also beautiful." He kisses the top of my head. "And I don't feel like I have this insane image to live up to when I'm around you. I don't have to be anything. You just, for whatever reasons you actually have, you like me."
"There's a lot of reasons to like you." I know I'm turning red, and I'm grateful he can't see my face right now. "But I'm scared because I've never felt like you made me feel. I don't want to need you like that."
"I understand. I'll try to give you some space."
"No," I say quickly as I sit up fully, so I can look him in the eye. "I don't want to be afraid of you, and I don't want you to be afraid of me. I... still need some time, I think, but I don't want you to change at all."
"Okay." He smiles as he brushes hair out of my face. "I won't push you to come back to bed with me, but I will continue trying to make you this shade of scarlet at all times, because now it's my favorite color."
"You can stop a little." I can't help but smile as I joke, grateful he is more understanding than my anxiety let me believe he would be. Though, as he continues to look at me, his smile fades until only the shadow of it is left.
"Tell me about the nightmare you had, so I know what I need to do to make you feel safe again."
"You were—" I don't want to say it out loud. How can I tell him? How do I articulate it, how real it felt, in a way he could understand? "You hurt me, while everyone else watched, and no one did anything. It was bad. There was a whip. In my nightmare, you enjoyed hurting me the same way Emmanuel enjoyed hurting me. You... said the same thing he did when this happened." I run my fingers over the scars and vaguely wonder if I'll ever not feel like these scars define me.
"Oh," he says. It's all he says. Silence falls between us and I know I screwed up by saying anything at all. He doesn't move, though. His arm stays around me but I get the feeling that he wants to move away badly.
"I just got overwhelmed. I didn't mean to hurt you. It won't happen again, I—"
"Kalliope," he says faintly but it's absolutely enough to stop me, "do you want to know what my biggest fear is?" I just nod. I don't want to let my mind wander to the things that could frighten Kal. "It's you."
"Me?" I try not to be hurt but I'm finding that difficult. My fears weren't justified, but his aren't either. I'm not actually dangerous, I acted out of anger, but I can control that the same way he does.
"You don't remember when we first met, but back then, I fell for you almost immediately. You were... smart, and kind. You listened to me when I said things. You made me feel the happiest I've ever felt. When you went with Sel, it hurt, but I knew you'd be safer there. No one I've been with since then has made me feel the same way you did. I stopped trying to find it again and leaned into feeling anything. When I saw you in Heaven, it all came back, and now I'm terrified of losing you again. When we were together, it told me everything I needed to know. I love you, and nothing has ever scared me more than that, because I've never been in love like this before."
I don't have a response. I have no idea how to even process this. I had thought that maybe someday, after everything was over and calm, I would seriously pursue him. But love? I don't know what to do with that. How can he love me? Me? I'm barely competent at existing, let alone being a Ruler, and forget being anything like a good Ruler. What makes him think I'm even an option when he has the universe to choose from?
"Can you please say something?" The tone of his voice is so subtly off that I know my silence is worse than my answer.
"I don't... I don't know if I love you." I can feel my eyes stinging with tears, even though I don't feel like I can actually cry any more today. "I like you, I like you a lot, but I—"
"I'm not asking you to love me." He says quickly. "I'm asking you to let me love you until you decide, if you ever do. I would never think of forcing that on you."
"What if I never love you?"
"I want you to be happy. I don't care what that means for me, as long as I get to see you smile."
"I don't want anything to change. I can't do this without you." I look up at him, and he smiles at me. There's no hint of the Kal that terrorized my nightmare in his eyes because this is the real Kalav. The one who loves me and would protect me, even if it meant pain for himself.
"Nothing is going to change. You're still going to be kind and smart and terrible at dancing, and I'm still going to whisk you off your feet so no one can tell. Anything you want, I will always be there to make sure you have it. I would still burn the Realms down to keep you warm."
"I think you're warm enough without fire." A light laugh makes him smile. Just as I look away from him, he uses his free hand to cup my cheek and cover my scars, making me look back up at him. And it isn't at all scary. He doesn't terrify me like Emmanuel does. The roots of fear are gone and they're replaced by him and his confession.
"I would love to kiss you right now." He smiles. I find myself unable to express the deep desire to kiss him back, not only right now, but for the rest of my existence. I nod and lean into his embrace as his lips meet mine and erase the last of my thoughts.
Too soon, the world comes flooding back between the space created between us when he pulls away. Though it is only inches, it is more than I can bear. I want nothing more than to be as close to him as possible right now.
"Kal?" Catching my breath is the hardest thing I have ever done. "Do you really love me? You're not just saying that?"
"I do. I love you."
"Promise me you'll never let go of me." Vulnerable is not something I've been willing to be, but it's something I trust him with now. It's something I feel I can let him carry for me.
"I promise." I feel his words against my lips. I have lost all desire to stop him, lost all the fear that was making me push him away. He wouldn't hurt me, not even to defend himself from me. He does love me, and I have finally found the place where I feel safe and taken care of. I don't have any intention of ever leaving that place again.