The Need to Forgive Ourselves
When talking about the mistakes of the past—and we have all made lots—many people begin their story with the words “I’ll never forgive myself for . . .” There are some who have made the right choice to forgive, worked through the forgiveness process and faced all the emotions of what happened to them but still have one huge obstacle that remains in their healing process: themselves.
They manage to forgive everyone else under the sun, but somehow or other the guilt and burden of their own mistakes seem so huge that forgiving themselves has become an impossibility.
Sometimes when terrible mistakes have been made, often with very painful consequences, the sense of loss can be enormous. The mistake may have caused an awful accident that even led to the death of someone else. It may have been a relationship that should never have been pursued, a financial involvement that went wrong or any of a thousand other personal mistakes that could have been made with potentially lifelong consequences.
It Is Up to You
It is true that the past cannot be changed, but it is also true that how you handle the future is in your hands. It is possible to learn vital lessons from the mistakes of the past, and those lessons might be a great blessing to you in the future.
Jesus died so that you would be forgiven. If you hold on to the personal guilt attached to these things and refuse to forgive yourself, you are almost saying that what Jesus did for you was not good enough.
If a child longs to receive some sweets from his daddy, but his fist is tightly clenched, he could receive nothing. By keeping his fist closed, he would have deprived himself of the goodies.
Often, people who refuse to forgive themselves yearn for God to heal them of all that has happened in the past. But they go to God with their spiritual fists closed. By their own choice, they forfeit many of the blessings that God longs to give.
Sometimes refusing to forgive yourself is choosing to punish yourself for what has happened. You do not believe that you deserve to be forgiven, so you hold yourself in personal condemnation. You make a choice to deprive yourself of life because you believe that is all you deserve. But that is not how God sees it.
Simon Peter, Jesus’ disciple, went down this road. Three times he told people that he was not associated with Jesus because of fear of what might happen to him (see John 18:15–27). He betrayed Jesus by telling lies even though he loved Him so much that he could not bear the thought of not being as close to Him as possible when He was suffering.
Peter must have been filled with personal remorse at the terrible thing he had done. As a result, he did what many of us would have done—he withdrew to somewhere safe where he could indulge his self-pity. For Peter, that was in his boat fishing on the Sea of Galilee. But Jesus knew what Peter was going through.
After the resurrection, Jesus sought him out and asked him three times the very simple but profound question, “Do you love Me?” (see John 21:15–17). Jesus gave Peter the opportunity to tell Him that he loved Him for each of the times that he had betrayed Jesus.
For Simon Peter, this was probably the most important healing moment of his life. If Jesus had not sought him out, Peter would have probably spent the rest of his days rowing around the Sea of Galilee, wallowing in self-pity and wondering what might have been.
Like Peter, we all make mistakes. In this situation, the most important question for Jesus to ask was not “What did you do?” but “Do you love Me?” When we are open to receiving His love and expressing our own love in return, the healing power of God goes right into our hearts. God begins to heal us from the inside out. Love melts pain.
All Wrapped Up
You may have forgiven other people and been freed of the control from others who have hurt you, but when you refuse God’s love, you are still in bondage. You have substituted the bondage of control by others with a self-imposed bondage. You have wrapped yourself in so much self-condemnation that you are unable to function properly or relate normally with others.
There is a special service available at some airports for those who are worried that their suitcase may not make the journey in one piece. For a small fee, you can have your baggage encased completely in layer upon layer of tightly wrapped polyethylene. When the process is finished, the suitcase looks like a corpse wrapped in plastic graveclothes. There is no way that anything can come out or that anyone can get in.
One day as I watched these plastic-coated suitcases going around and around on the baggage carousel at London’s Heathrow Airport, it crossed my mind that this is what people must look like when they refuse to forgive themselves. It is as if they are wrapped in spiritual plastic, and no one can get in or out.
Living in unforgiveness toward yourself will neither change your past nor improve your future. It will only limit your potential to fulfill the very best that God still has in store for you.
Yes, we do have to deal with the consequences of personal mistakes and sin. Relationships with both God and human beings need to be restored through confession and repentance. Restitution may also have to be made. But once these steps have been taken, we must learn to walk away from the mess and not keep on going back to wallow in the mud of our own mistakes.
Hippopotamuses can wallow deep in mud for days on end. They love it. It is part of their natural environment. People are capable of wallowing in their personal spiritual mud for a lifetime. But God did not intend for people to live like hippos. Mud is not our natural spiritual environment. We must leave the mud behind and enjoy living in the freedom that only living God’s way can bring.
We need to forgive ourselves and pray the most powerful prayer on earth for ourselves, not just for other people.