3 3 YOU INTERACT WITH PEOPLE in business every day, and you can handle these interactions in one of two ways.
1. You are strictly business-focused and actively think about what you can do to develop these interactions into relationships that serve your goals on your terms.
2. You’re more natural about your approach and care about other people for who they are, not what they can do for you.
I prefer the second option, and not just because I know it’s more effective; it also preserves my mental health and makes my life more enjoyable. Thinking about life and people like they’re pieces of a puzzle that exist to help me achieve my goals would be exhausting, and it’d make me feel terrible. Caring about people is more natural, and building mutually beneficial relationships based on that is, well, mutually beneficial. It just makes sense.
About three years ago, I met Scott Gerber, a man who so completely personifies the superconnector archetype that Shane Snow describes him as “the Pandora of Gen-Y networking.”1
As the founder of the Young Entrepreneur Council (YEC) and CommunityCo, two professional communities, Scott plays gatekeeper to some of the most valuable networks in our industry. I knew that if I could build a good relationship with him and persuade him to work with Influence & Co., our partnership would be mutually beneficial.
Now, when you know that a partnership would be good for both of you, it can be hard not to take the first approach I outlined above—the business-first, swing-for-the-fences technique.
However, instead of pushing for an official partnership right away, we let a personal relationship emerge organically. After our meeting, we began helping each other out in whatever ways we could. We shared feedback on each other’s projects and made strategic introductions whenever the opportunity arose. In other words, we had each other’s backs.
Since then, our relationship has flourished. As Scott became a close and trusted friend, YEC became a close and trusted ally. We would do almost anything to help Scott and YEC succeed, and that commitment is mutual. This is a fulfilling relationship that pays off in trust, shared resources, and brand equity. As a result, the business relationship has become extremely strong, surviving hiccups that probably would have put an end to a partnership if the relationship wasn’t there.
Good things happen when you help people out rather than treating them as extensions of your business plan. For one thing, helping others tends to make you feel pretty good about life. Your network becomes a group of people you like and trust. Your interactions become friendly, genuine, and infused with humanity. That’s why helpful people often radiate a sense of confidence and gratitude.
But the benefits aren’t only emotional. It may seem counterintuitive, but one of the most effective ways to develop a competitive business advantage—even if you’re operating in a cutthroat industry—is to be helpful to others. And I’m not talking about doling out Frank Underwood–style quid pro quo favors; I’m talking about being a kind, supportive person without expecting anything in return.
My friend Brittany Hodak, CEO of ZinePak, once said in a Startup Weekend speech, “Don’t be intimidated by hard-to-get relationships. At each one of these brands or organizations, there are people behind it, and all you need is a solid relationship with one to create a spark.” She was referring to her strong partnership with Walmart and obtaining that partnership as a startup.
Think about the industry leader you admire most. He or she is most likely a knowledgeable, well-connected, credible person who faces few industry barriers. And though some leaders might blather on about climbing the ladder through sheer force of will alone, most are eager to acknowledge the helpful people who have been invaluable to their success.
I remember one of our first clients, Drew McLellan, owner of Agency Management Institute, who helped make us a stronger company when we honestly didn’t know what we were doing. He and his feedback helped us become the company we are today; he’s come to me since then to ask for help because he knows I’ll be there for him. Now, Drew isn’t my best friend or anything, but we’ve formed a bond that continues to be mutually beneficial. Without these kinds of helpful people and mutually beneficial relationships in life, who knows where we’d be.
By helping your partners, business leads, clients, and other industry connections, you not only win their gratitude, you also position yourself as a person with knowledge, resources, and credibility—the makings of an industry leader. What’s more, when you practice helpfulness as a leader, you inspire your team to do the same. And companies known for their amiability and expertise aren’t just profitable; they’re beloved.
But what if you’re not an inherently altruistic person? Just like mindfulness, helpfulness is a practice that you can learn and develop so that it becomes second nature. But you can’t treat it as some fluffy afterthought; helpfulness requires authenticity, consistency, and intention. And as this chapter progresses, you’ll learn more about the techniques for incorporating helpfulness into everything that you and your team do.
If the notion of a corporate culture steeped in altruism sounds like a stretch, consider this: A couple years ago, Influence & Co. hired Matt Kamp, a guy fresh out of college with very little sales experience whose sole responsibility was to help out the people in our network—not only to help those we would see the highest returns from but to genuinely offer our resources, relationships, knowledge, and so on to the people in our network who could use them, just for the sake of being helpful to them.
He has a touch point system in place to regularly connect with and lend a helping hand based on each contact’s needs, whether through press opportunities, referrals, or simply relevant information. As a result, Matt—who was not initially even a member of our sales team—has become one of our leading sales performers. (It doesn’t hurt that he’s so naturally likable, either. His personality is a perfect match for this type of role.)
In addition to his sales performance, hiring Matt as our “director of helpfulness” has been an incredibly powerful way to build thriving relationships across our growing network. As a result, we’ve gained a massive community of brand advocates who are constantly promoting Influence & Co. and sending referrals our way. In fact, partner referrals accounted for our largest lead source for new revenue in 2015. Our helpfulness practice positions us at the top of countless minds, providing us actionable, profitable opportunities every day.
So how can you do the same?
When we’re talking about how to help others, there are no universal formulas or absolute rules to follow. Helpfulness is not a science; it’s a personal, intimate practice. It’s up to you to define, shape, and develop your practice in a way that is authentic to you.
That said, there are so many potential ways to “do” helpfulness that the prospect of incorporating it into your professional life may seem overwhelming. Therefore, it’s worth mapping out some broad guidelines for how you can easily and effectively make life better for the people in your network—and identifying the tools to help you execute those guidelines.
As you read this chapter (and those that follow), you’ll notice references to the Resource Library at the back of this book that contains lists of tools, software, and more designed to help you execute your top-of-mind mindset. As comprehensive as I’ve tried to be, resources like these change all the time, so I’ve created an e-mail address (topofmindhelp@gmail.com) that you can use to reach me or someone on my team if you’re looking for more specific information or if you have questions in the course of your research.2
As you go through the following list of best helpfulness practices, you’ll notice that none of them requires you to spend any money (except possibly “give gifts,” but even with this one, you don’t have to spend much at all). In fact, most can be done with just a quick e-mail, phone call, or friendly conversation.
Note that these guidelines are based on my own experience and personality. Some of these will work for you; others may not. Feel free to use these as a foundation for your practice and interpret them however you see fit. The CRM systems such as Contactually, SalesforceIQ, and others listed in the Resource Library at the end of this book can help.
To share your knowledge of the world and your experience within it is to share your most valuable asset. When you offer someone useful information, you’re providing a very real form of currency. This currency could come in the form of an industry tip, an in-depth analysis, or personal wisdom. Whatever the form, helpful knowledge enriches people’s lives.
I like to think of it this way: storytelling and sharing knowledge is a big part of our humanity, and we wouldn’t be where we are today without it. Imagine if our ancestors never told stories or if Einstein or Ford never shared their ideas with anyone else.
I make it a point to take the time to share my knowledge when someone asks. This isn’t to say that I think my knowledge is necessarily as revolutionary as Einstein’s—but there just might be a nugget of information in my stories that helps someone or resonates so strongly with people that they go on to bring their own revolutionary ideas to life. Sharing my knowledge and experiences for a few minutes could save them days or weeks (or even years) of wasted time and help them bring opportunity to themselves, too.
Unfortunately, as much as I love them, in-person conversations aren’t scalable. I can’t talk and share stories with everyone in person, so this leads us to the obvious solution of digital content. And I’m not the only one to use content to share knowledge.
Let me walk you through an example of what I like to call a “knowledge chain.”
Labor laws in the United States have recently changed, and an attorney with a firm we’ve used in the past, Armstrong Teasdale, sent some members of my team a few articles and other pieces of content about the changes and what to look out for. He didn’t bill us for that service. He was just looking out for us and knew that part of being a good service provider is educating your clients throughout the process.
My HR director is a rock star and pored through all this new information not only so she could be knowledgeable herself but also so she could teach me. Not long after we’d gone through the changes together, I spoke with Patrick Ambron, CEO of BrandYourself and a good friend of ours. Being the creative, hardworking entrepreneur he is, he’d kept his head down on several projects and wasn’t in the loop when it came to the details of the new laws. So I let him know.
He was very thankful, and all I did was share some information with him that I thought he would find valuable. Was that difficult for me to do? No. All I did was what humans have done forever: learn something new and share it with others. And at each link in this knowledge chain—from an attorney to my HR director to me to a fellow entrepreneur—trust was strengthened.
We couldn’t each meet with one another in person to discuss these updates, and there’s no way that any of the others who’ve been affected by this shared knowledge could possibly join these meetings either. That’s where thought leadership content comes in. Through articles, digital content, social communication, speaking engagements, and the like, you can share insights with huge audiences at once. Consistently deliver useful knowledge to your target audience, and you’ll always be top of mind.
If you’re a new parent, you’re familiar with the concept of “unhelpful help.” You’re at a dinner with relatives and you mention that your baby hasn’t been sleeping through the night. There’s a split second of silence. Your mom’s ears perk up, your uncle cocks his head, your sister inhales deeply, and all at once, every person in your family is blasting you with advice that you never asked for.
In business, offering unhelpful help can cost you credibility and weaken your relationships. It can make you seem out-of-touch at best and manipulative at worst, as if you’re trying to curry favor but aren’t very good at it.
You can help a person only if you know what kind of help she would find valuable. So rather than guessing, come right out and ask.
When I meet someone, I end the conversation by asking, “So how can I be helpful to you moving forward?” and give him an example of what I think would be helpful, such as, “If I run into this type of person, would an intro be valuable?” The question itself is a thoughtful gesture, and it helps forge a bond that will serve as the foundation of a relationship. I log the answer on a spreadsheet so that I can stay on top of connecting the people in my network to what they find valuable, much as our director of helpfulness does.
People know what they need, and when you deliver on those needs, you’ll earn gratitude, respect, and top-of-mind status.
You’re likely invested in a ton of diverse resources, from core assets such as talent and infrastructure to luxury items such as season tickets for your favorite sports team. At any given moment, a percentage of these resources are going unused.
Think about how you could mobilize your idle assets in creative ways to help your contacts. One of your partners is scrambling to launch a new website; if your star developer is between projects, could she lend a hand? A client needs a place to host a community service event over the weekend; how about your office? Or what about those season tickets? Surely someone in your network would appreciate a night at the stadium.
Something my team and I realized we could share with our contacts is our software. In the last year, we’ve developed a custom software that helps us with everything from managing content contributors and projects to streamlining communication and tracking analytics for ourselves and our clients.
We realized that these tools gave us great insight into information that our media and publication relationships could benefit from. So we shared it with them. And so far, it’s helped their staff members save time and their publications run more efficiently.
In return, we’ve built stronger, more trusting relationships with our publication contacts—which puts us top of mind for them and puts us in a position to streamline the service side of our business. Anytime you’ve got something of value, think about who in your network might benefit from it and how you can share it to strengthen your relationship with those people.
You can extend this sharing philosophy to any asset or any relationship. (Just be sure that you are respectful of your time, capacity, and desires when offering help to others).
Once, my neighbor saw me cutting down a tree in my yard with a handsaw. Noticing my struggle, he came over, handed me his electric saw, and said, “Hey, bud, this will save you about half the time, and you can have a beer with me with the time I saved you.” He instantly became my favorite neighbor; now we’re watching each other’s houses when the other is out of town and taking out each other’s dogs. And it all started when he offered to help me that day in my yard by sharing his resources.
What resources do you or your company have that you can share?
Even if you’re not invested in any physical assets, you’re still capable of helping people fulfill pressing needs. Whenever you hear of an opportunity—whether in the form of a potential partnership, an exciting event, or a journalist looking for industry contacts—you have a shareable resource. Connecting the people in your network to these strategic opportunities generates trust and goodwill.
At the beginning of each year, my team combs through every potential conference in business leadership, entrepreneurship, and marketing to see what events would be valuable for us to attend. No joke, as we were sitting together working through our lists, I received a direct message on Twitter from a contact at Time who, as it turned out, had just finished planning out her own conferences to attend.
In her message, she included her list and said, “Hey, I know you guys look into stuff like this. I hope it helps.” The timing could not have been more perfect, and it helped us capitalize on a few opportunities we wouldn’t have known about without her help.
To scale this idea of making contacts aware of opportunities, occasionally I like to publish lists in my columns in Forbes or Inc. (I know some people love to hate listicles, but they can be extremely valuable if you do them right.) I now write lists of top conferences, industry trends, and blog and publication lists to help make my audience aware of opportunities, and my latest two have been a couple of my most successful articles—not just in views but also in people letting me know how helpful they found it.
On top of that, I’ve also heard from conference organizers that these lists have attracted thousands of people to their events. It’s a win for everyone involved. Was it difficult? No; all I did was make people aware of these events. Was it scalable? Absolutely. Between the two articles, these lists have generated a couple hundred thousand views.
But maybe you don’t have an outlet like that to broadcast your message and make so many people aware of opportunities at once. That’s totally fine—you don’t need extensive lists of resources or access to major publications to make someone aware of potential opportunity.
I had the chance to address an audience at an event recently, and afterward, someone who’d seen me speak sent me an e-mail letting me know of a company he thought could use Influence & Co.’s services. He’d heard someone at lunch talk about how his company just increased its budgets in thought leadership, content marketing, and PR and saw them as huge strategic initiatives in the near future. Talk about a dream client for Influence & Co.
All he said in his e-mail was that this company was looking for services that mine specializes in, and he thought there was a big opportunity there. This guy didn’t have to do any of that for me, but he went out of his way to make me aware of a potential client or partner. Since then, I’ve probably sent him 10 clients. I don’t believe for a minute that he gave me the heads-up so that I’d return the favor, but it sure was an effective way to build trust with me.
Whenever possible, go further than simply sharing information and make personal introductions. Remember, a well-timed opportunity can change someone’s life. And introductions are often repaid in kind: I’ve seen that more than 50 percent of the people for whom I make introductions will do the same for me within a year.
I don’t love being criticized. However, if it’s between constructive criticism and a meaningless ego stroke, I’ll take the former in a heartbeat.
Transparent feedback is a gift. When you offer it to someone, you’re saying, “I take you seriously, and I want to help you succeed.” Of course, you actually have to mean it—if you don’t really want the person to do well, any feedback you provide will be tinged with spite. Although it’s technically possible to be helpful and spiteful at the same time, just choose one; it’ll be less confusing.
I’m probably not alone in thinking of Simon Cowell when it comes to straightforward feedback. When my wife and I used to watch American Idol, I always wondered why he was so popular. (Honestly, he seemed like a big asshole to me.) The more I watched, the clearer it became to me that he was actually offering straightforward, transparent feedback. And more important, I got the feeling that he did it with the intent to help the person on the receiving end of that feedback, not just to be an ass.
And that’s exactly where that fine line is: if the way you’re delivering feedback doesn’t seem like it was meant to be helpful—in other words, if you’re just criticizing or being an ass—it’s going to be misinterpreted. So although what you say is important, how you say it carries a lot of weight, too.
For example, one of my company’s new customers recently contacted me directly to let me know that another client of ours, who had referred him, had a terrible experience with our service. He was matter-of-fact in explaining the situation, gave us a suggestion for what to do about it, and ended by saying that all he wanted was to make sure we were aware of that experience.
Without this new customer coming to me and letting me know, we probably wouldn’t have had any idea what was going on. But after some digging and extra communication, we learned it was all a misunderstanding with our original client, and we addressed what we could to move forward in a healthy way. Not only did this new customer’s feedback help us clarify the situation, it made us a stronger company.
That’s the power of transparent feedback. It can help you become a better person, team member, and company leader, and it can make your company stronger than before. I value that opportunity, so I’ve made it a personal habit to tell people the honest truth when they ask for feedback. As much as I might want to softball it, I don’t let myself. This habit doesn’t give me license to be rude or disrespectful—it just means I do my best to deliver the pure and simple truth.
Not long ago, I was at a conference watching a keynote delivered by a big industry personality. When the speaker finished, a crowd formed to shout praises at him for delivering such a wonderful speech. But the truth was, it hadn’t been a great speech—he had simply recounted his company’s victories without teaching us, the audience, anything. Much to the discomfort of the adoring crowd, I informed the emperor that he wasn’t wearing any clothes. He was taken aback, but because I was transparent in my criticism, he listened.
After the event, he texted me to invite me to a birthday party of one of the most well-known leaders in our industry. Because I was honest, I was helpful. And because I was helpful, I was remembered. The bond that this created has led to both a professional relationship and a personal friendship.
I still remember the person who first offered constructive criticism on one of my earliest articles about being careful with ego in writing. He said, “Remember, writing isn’t all about you. It’s about a connection to the reader, so do everything you can to keep that connection. And don’t do anything to risk it.” I think of him with gratitude every time I publish. Always practice transparent feedback; it is a powerful way to achieve top-of-mind status.
Next to the love I feel for my family and friends, there is no greater love than what I feel for our brand advocates. Seriously, the sense of affection I feel when I hear someone not on payroll talking up our company can be overwhelming.
When you stand up for someone else’s brand, you are performing one of the most fundamentally helpful services imaginable. In today’s You Marketing economy, credible endorsements are priceless. Even micro-influencers, those with fewer than 100,000 social media followers, can greatly affect a buyer’s decision. More than 80 percent of people are likely to follow the recommendation of a micro-influencer they trust.3 Advocates generate trust, forge connections, and bolster brand equity in ways that nothing else can.
One of Influence & Co.’s big brand advocates is the CEO of Hawke Media, Erik Huberman. Erik is probably one of the nicest guys out there, but when I asked him why he was such a strong advocate for our brand and what we could do to reward him, he simply said, “You have done such a great job with me, and I think you can help the others in my network.”
It was that simple. He felt that we were doing good work for him, and he wanted to tell other people that he thought we could do good work for them, too.
As soon as the words left his mouth, I could almost physically see this trust form around us. This guy was out there helping people—helping others in his network by connecting them to a company that could help and helping our company by being an advocate for us—just because he wanted to be helpful.
To be clear, there are more ways to be a brand advocate than sending introductions someone’s way. In fact, it commonly takes the form of content distribution. For example, Matt Heinz of Heinz Marketing comes to mind as someone who advocates for the Influence & Co. brand by sharing our company’s content, and each time he does, I think of his brand.
It should therefore come as no surprise that brand advocacy is a direct path to the top of someone’s mind. Again, though, authenticity is key—to shill for a brand you don’t really care about in the hopes that the company’s leadership will notice you is shortsighted. You may even end up damaging the credibility of the company, which is the exact opposite of being helpful.
Like brand advocacy, referrals are critical for generating trust around your brand, which invites people to establish direct, powerful connections with your company.
In 2015, 30 percent of our clients at Influence & Co. came through partner referrals, making referrals our largest revenue source. This figure is especially staggering when you consider how many of these referrals took the form of a quick phone call or a casual conversation. These are simple gestures that have tremendous impact. I feel such gratitude to our partners for providing these referrals—each one is a key stakeholder in our growth and success.
Make it a habit that anytime you find out what someone’s needs are, you write them down. Someone could be looking for a hire, website designer, way into Google, and so forth. Jot it down. David Ehrenberg, CEO of Early Growth Financial Services, has driven his company’s skyrocketing growth simply by setting goals for referrals to people in its partner network. I know him personally, and he’s a naturally helpful person; it makes sense that he feels so strongly about making the right connections for his partner network. (It’s almost like a Field of Dreams mentality; if you help, opportunities will come.)
Because referrals are such a crucial part of your helpfulness practice, you need a system or even goals (like David has in place) to ensure that you are consistently providing (and collecting) them. Developing a protocol in which you offer a partner referral at certain stages in every strategic relationship can be tremendously helpful, but you have to stay on top of which dots you’re connecting. Sometimes keeping track of these relationships is as simple as updating a spreadsheet, but often it requires software such as Contactually or SalesforceIQ to offer more highly targeted help.4
Time is our most valuable asset, so we’ve got to be efficient with it. But sometimes, all it takes is just a few minutes. Whoever you are and whatever position you hold, you can almost always spare a few minutes now and again.
For example, earlier this year, my cofounder, Kelsey, and I were at an event for an award we had been nominated as finalists for: EY Entrepreneur of the Year. We were busy networking and getting to know the other leaders, but I noticed that the person next to me seemed to be looking for something. When I asked, he said he was looking for a bottle opener.
Without thinking, I got up, quickly walked to a table where I’d seen a bottle opener, and brought it back to him. It wasn’t a huge time commitment on my part, but I was able to offer a few minutes of my time to help him. (It turns out he was one of the judges for the event.)
Personal time is both precious and scarce, and we often use it as an excuse to say no. But when you devote a chunk of your personal time to helping others, the gesture is meaningful and memorable.
Every few weeks, I try to do a guest webinar for anyone in my network who is interested. I could easily delegate this responsibility to a team member, but (a) I enjoy doing it and (b) I want my contacts to know that helping them out will always be one of my personal priorities.
Be generous with your time and don’t limit your helpfulness to the realm of the professional. Think about the gratitude you feel toward the friend who always helps you move houses or the friend you can call no matter how much time has passed and you still pick up right where you left off. You know the kind of friend I’m talking about: the kind who really sticks with you, whom you can always count on. You’re probably already picturing these friends or thinking of the last time they really went out of their way for you. Now what if you applied that same idea to your relationship with a business partner? How would acts of kindness and generosity humanize your professional relationship?
In the early days of Influence & Co., I went out and bought a knockoff pro wrestling championship belt. At our next meeting, Kelsey and I awarded the belt to a team member who had been doing a particularly great job. She was that week’s champion, we explained; the next week, it would be up to her to crown a new champion from among her teammates.
As we’ve grown and spread our team across various cities, awarding the championship belt has gotten a little harder to do. Instead, everyone submits weekly reports on how they’re doing, both personally and professionally: what’s going well for them, what’s frustrating them, what they are excited about. At the end, we ask them to give shout-outs to anyone and everyone who went out of their way to help them—people who did particularly great work, went above and beyond, and helped others. These people’s names are passed up to direct supports and our leadership team so everyone is recognized for the awesome work they do.
This sort of recognition works outside your own team, too. When I have a good experience with someone from another company, I’ll typically e-mail that person’s boss a quick note about my experience. Good work should be recognized; it also feels good to show appreciation. And you never know—people can rise through the ranks pretty quickly, and some day, the person you were advocating for could be in a position to send opportunity your way.
It seems as if every time I fly Southwest Airlines, I end up calling yet another manager to sing the praises of yet another wonderful member of Southwest’s ground staff. Not only does this reward the individual whose hard work made my life easier, it strengthens the connection that I have with the brand—the brand that saved my butt earlier this year when I showed up at the wrong airport (who does that?) and needed last-minute exceptions so I could get to my speaking engagement on time.
Sure, Southwest has good customer service. But it had also identified me as someone who’d worked well with its staff, advocated for the airline among other conference speakers I knew, and so on, and it did everything it could to help me when I’d made a complete idiot of myself. Southwest was there for me in my time of need because we had built a relationship together.
To receive a gift is to experience one of life’s simple pleasures. I experienced this pleasure when John Ruhlin, one of the nation’s gifting experts and author of Giftology, sent me a thank-you gift: a set of high-end personalized Cutco knives. The knives themselves are beautiful, but John’s real expertise shines through in the delivery.
Rather than receiving the entire set at once, a couple of personalized knives come every month, thus regularly reminding my wife and me that he exists and is a great guy. Now, I’m not saying that John is innovative simply because he sends personalized knives. What he’s done is practice that personalized gifting with a top-of-mind mindset. Giving gifts isn’t new, but doing it in a way that reminds both my wife and me each month that he exists has brought a lot of opportunity his way.
(My wife told me once that of anyone who might invite me on a last-minute trip to Las Vegas, John Ruhlin is one of maybe three guys she’d have no problem with. She would be totally cool if I came home and told her, “John just invited me to Vegas with him, but I’ve got to leave right now.” She’s never even met him. That’s right—John’s built this kind of trust with my wife, and they’ve never met.)
Giving someone a gift is a nice way to establish a personal connection. There are, however, some obvious caveats. When your gifts are expensive or ostentatious, you’re flirting with bribery. To say nothing of bribery’s legal and ethical implications, I advise you against it mainly because it’s ineffective and prevents real trust from forming.
If you want to secure and maintain a position at the top of someone’s mind, give gifts that are deeply meaningful to that person and come with no strings attached. You can accomplish more in the long run with a thoughtful or unique gift than you would with a briefcase full of unmarked bills. As my wife would say, “Sometimes it’s about the small things.”
Take, for example, a senior editor at a major online publication my company works with. We’d been working together for a while, and we knew she had just had a baby. Rather than sending her some big, elaborate gift we thought would make us look nice to give, we specifically went to her registry and ordered a number of small items. We paired the items with personalized notes, coincidentally enough about how important the small things in life are and how excited we were for her.
She later told me that we were the only people in her professional life who took the time to find her registry and give her gifts that she had indicated would be valuable.
Like the other elements of your helpfulness practice, gift giving is more effective when you do it regularly. Aside from using software to keep track of these relationships, there are plenty of niche subscription services that deliver everything from health food and jewelry to gourmet dog treats. Paying for a subscription that matches a client’s unique interests is generous and thoughtful and also saves you time.5
At the beginning of this chapter, I mentioned caring about people for who they are, not what they can do for you. Beyond knowing who your audience is, a key aspect of caring about people for who they are is understanding that everyone in your audience is an individual—and each of them wants to feel like you’re communicating with only him or her.
My friend Rohit Bhargava, author of Non-Obvious, explains in his book the importance of personalization. He mentions that Disney spent a billion dollars on personalized magic wristbands and how attendees just loved them. After attending one of his keynotes where he spoke in more detail about this idea, I took my family to Disney World to see for myself.
I loved everything about it.
My daughter, who was two at the time, was so happy and excited. She said, “Daddy, Mickey knew my name!” She felt special, like the whole experience was personalized just for her and all the characters she loved knew who she was. That’s how special you want your audience to feel.
I like to think about it like this: James Bond is probably one of the most iconic characters. Wherever he goes, people know his name. You want your audience to feel that special and important. And if you can up the ante by personalizing their experiences to the extent that Disney World did for my daughter, you’ve got a nearly unbeatable hand. Hotels and resorts have been using tactics like this for a while because the hospitality business is so heavily reliant on customer satisfaction. There’s greater competition in every industry, so customer service and engagement have become even more important.
You don’t have to spend a billion dollars to create that feeling, though. It sounds clichéd, but handwritten thank you notes can be very meaningful and go a long way to forming closer relationships with people in a digital world taken over by e-mail.
Let me describe a thank you note from my friend John Ruhlin, the gifting expert I mentioned earlier in this chapter, to show his appreciation for our relationship. He included a thoughtful, handwritten note along with a gift for my wife’s thirtieth birthday party. In his note, he expressed his appreciation for her and mentioned how much he values the friendship we share. I remember reading it and feeling blown away that he remembered so many details, let alone took the time to write it down and send it with a gift to my wife.
For context, I only mentioned this party to him in passing—it’s not like I told him all the details and confirmed my address for him to send a cool present to her. But he remembered, and he ensured the gift she received was personalized for her.
It’d be one thing if he just sent the gift, but he included a special note that made me feel about as special as my daughter did at Disney World. Right then, his status at the top of mind, as a good person and a valuable relationship, was cemented in my long-term memory.
The more personalized you can make your audience’s experiences, the more special and valued you will help them feel. Sending thoughtful notes is one tactic. Remembering one detail about each person you meet is another. Next time you’re at a conference or event, make an effort to pay close attention and remember one unique detail about everyone you meet. The detail should be more substantive than hair color, for example, or company name. If you’re consciously uncovering what people find valuable, you’ll very likely come across unique details about them: their struggles at work, their new baby, a sick pet, a move to a different neighborhood. Write down one of these details after your conversations, enter it into your CRM system, and when you follow up after the event, reference the detail. If Lisa told you her youngest child was sick recently, consider opening your follow-up e-mail with, “Hey, Lisa, hopefully you’re back home and your son has gotten over the flu you were worried about when we spoke last.”
The response rates for e-mails with personal details are much higher than those for e-mails that, for example, say something like “Hey, Lisa, good to meet you. Have you had a chance to talk with your SVP yet?” By personalizing your communication, you’re putting yourself in a better place to break down trust barriers.
However, if it’s a fast-paced event and you honestly have no time to write down one detail about the people you meet, there is another practice you can try: remember people’s names. When someone introduces himself, repeat his name back to him and try to use it a handful of times naturally in your conversation. Then, no matter how many others you’ve spoken to, go back to everyone whose name you’ve committed to memory (or, really, added to your phone’s contacts) and say goodbye personally, using their names.
Before you (or they) leave, stop by and say, “Hey, Mary, it was good to meet you! I look forward to chatting soon.” Not only are people generally surprised when you remember their names, but you get what I call the American Idol advantage. As the last person to approach them, engage them, and personalize communication with them, you will be the freshest in their minds, which can work in your favor.
If you implement at least a handful of these strategies, you’re on your way to developing a comprehensive helpfulness practice. The challenge is to sustain this practice so that it becomes second nature.
To be helpful is to continually connect the dots between people, resources, and opportunities. It is easier to connect the dots when you can see all the dots in one location, such as a spreadsheet or CRM system. A detailed log of connections, referrals, opportunities, and resources can optimize your helpfulness practice. There are plenty of powerful CRM platforms designed to help you do exactly that.6
I’ve said that even the most thoughtful act of kindness will not generate long-term top-of-mind status if it’s a one-off. Thriving relationships take time and energy to develop and maintain—to nurture a relationship, you need to engage the person through multiple touch points regularly. Set up a rule for implementing these touch points on a cyclical basis. For example, I try to help out most of my important contacts at least once every three months and others at least once a year.
If that seems daunting, create a set of rules around how much time you want to spend implementing these strategies. Because I write so many referral e-mails, I give myself a three-minute time limit for drafting each one. That allows me to fire off dozens of referrals without getting overwhelmed or derailed. I also use a tool called Mixmax to help me develop some basic templates that I can customize, schedule e-mails, and track opens, clicks, and downloads, but there are tons of tools out there, from Salesforce and Infusionsoft to HubSpot (which my team uses) and more, which you can find in the Resource Library, that can help you make this process faster and easier, too.
Even if you’re not a rigid scheduler or you just hate tracking things on spreadsheets or software, you can simply adopt a rule that when people in your network identify something to you that they would really enjoy or would make their lives easier, consider getting it for them. All it takes is listening, and if you embrace this mindset, I assure you that these small changes can make big differences in your relationships.
It doesn’t have to be huge. A rule like this wouldn’t last very long if everything you got for key members of your audience was extravagant. Simple is usually enough.
One of my key employees looked at my wallet phone case and said, “Man, I need to get one of those. I hate carrying around both.” So I went to Amazon, ordered one just like it, and shipped it to his house. It took me all of 30 seconds and $20, and he was so appreciative.
I’ll be very honest with you: five years ago, this whole chapter would have seemed a little crazy to me, not to mention a big waste of time. But because of the opportunity I’ve seen come from this mindset and these practices, I’m a believer—and a happier person in general.
Rules and hacks for can be very useful for automating and streamlining your helpfulness practice. However, to truly make helpfulness second nature, you need to integrate it into every aspect of your life.
It could be doing something to help out your partner, brother, sister, friend, or even finding an organization or initiative with a mission that speaks to you; it might be a nonprofit organization, your child’s school, and the like. Either way, the more time, energy, and soul you put into helping others—especially when the only thing you stand to gain is personal satisfaction—the more helpfulness becomes a fundamental part of who you are.
Take a minute to write down three ways you can be more helpful to others using the practices from earlier in this chapter. Consider what you’d like to do and how you make its practice a habit. (I promise, it’s addictive in the best way.)
Think of three people you are close to—friends, family, coworkers you see every day. What do you know about them? Is one of them feeling more stressed out lately? Maybe another recently had a child and could use an extra hand.
Whatever it is, identify one thing that would be valuable to each of them. What can you do to make their lives easier? Is there anything you can do to connect them to that valuable item or favor? I challenge you to act on that.
I further challenge you to do this once a month. As you’ll learn, consistency is critical to becoming top of mind, and it’s necessary to help train your brain to identify these opportunities for helpfulness more naturally.