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“You can go home early tonight.”
I grabbed the three drinks off the bar and set them on my tray. “I don’t need to.”
Mitzy shook her head. “Well, I need you to because I don’t want to have to pay for you to stand around and do nothing.”
I balanced the tray on my hand and propped my other hand on my hip. “I don’t want to go home early tonight. I’d rather just work. Maybe you can see if any of the other girls want to go home.” If I went home early, that meant I would need to have my talk with Six-Gun sooner. Something I did not want to do.
“You came in early. You go home first. End of story, Memphis,” Mitzy ordered.
I frowned and leaned toward Mitzy. She was the only one who didn’t treat me like I was about to break. Most of the time, I appreciated that, but right now, I needed her to clue into the fact that I did not want off early and take pity on me. “Please, Mitz,” I pleaded.
“You got the boogeyman waiting for you at home or something?” she laughed.
“You could say that,” I mumbled.
Her face sobered. “What the hell is going on, Memphis?” she asked, suddenly concerned.
“I just...” How to say what I was feeling without sounding like an idiot? “Six-Gun wants to talk when I get off work, and I would just like to delay that for as long as I can.”
“What does he want to talk about?” she asked.
That was the million-dollar question. “I don’t know, but I don’t care.” I sure as heck did not want to find out. I could die right now and be okay with never knowing what Six-Gun wanted to talk about.
“Why not?” she asked. “Not like he’s bad looking at all, and he’s actually a decent guy from what I know about him.”
Maybe he was, but I wasn’t too sure about him.
Hell, I wasn’t too sure about anyone anymore. I had been a fool to start working for Jester, but that didn’t mean I deserved to be treated like a toy for them to use and throw away whenever they felt like it. Looking back, I wasn’t even sure why I had started working for him in the first place. The little bit of extra money I had made was not worth it at all in the end. “I’m just not ready for that, Mitzy.”
“Then tell him that, honey.” She leaned close to me. “I know you’ve been through hell, and shit ain’t never going to be the same for you, but this is your chance to take matters into your own hands. You don’t want to talk to him, then don’t. You do want to talk to him, then do. That man isn’t gonna make you do anything you don’t want to, Memphis. No one in that club would hurt you.” Her words were firm and fierce. Mitzy wasn’t a member of the Royal Bastards, but she was loyal to them to a T. They did sign her paychecks after all. That had to be the reason why.
I had heard at one time, she had been hooking up with Barracuda, but that hadn’t lasted longer than a couple of weeks. That was before I had even started working at Skinz. Mitzy didn’t seem like the type to be an ol’ lady who kept quiet and did what she was told.
Mitzy looked down the length of the bar to where Six-Gun was seated. His eyes were trained on us, and a frown curled his lips down.
“You’re the reason why he looks like he’s about to cry into his beer,” she muttered.
“Me?’ I gasped. “I haven’t done anything to that man.” I was just trying to live my life and not have a complete mental breakdown again.
Mitzy rolled her eyes. “Not physically. I mean, mentally.” She reached for my tray and called for Onya. “Take care of this for Memphis, would ya?” she asked.
Onya took the tray with a smile and flounced off.
“She doesn’t even know where the drinks go,” I muttered. Now I wasn’t going to get a good tip from the table.
“She’ll figure it out.” Mitzy motioned to the two empty stools by the wall. “Sit your ass down, and let’s have a little chat. I should have talked to you when you came back to work, but I was too damn busy dealing with Rebel, Tank, and Rain.”
I sat down on the stool and turned my back to Six-Gun. I couldn’t talk and look at him. “I don’t know what we have to talk about.”
The night's theme appeared to be everyone wanting to talk to me—first Six-Gun and now Mitzy. Who was going to be next?
“Trust me, honey. There is a ton we could talk about, but for now, I’m gonna try to address your biggest problem.” Mitzy scooted her stool close, and it felt like we were in our own little bubble away from the rest of the club.
“I don’t even know what my biggest problem is, Mitzy.” It seemed like a long list of things that were wrong with me. I might as well just put them all in a hat and she could pull one out.
She raised her hand and shushed me. “You’re just gonna listen to me for a second, okay? Then you can go back to shoving your head in the sand or whatever it is you’re doing right now.”
I rolled my eyes and motioned for her to continue. If she wanted to talk to me when I was on the clock, then more power to her. She was my boss after all.
“I don’t know the specifics of what happened to you, and you don’t have to tell me. You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to.” She cleared her throat. “But I think you should. Though that’s neither here nor there.”
“I don’t want judgment or anything from you, Mitzy. I feel that enough from everyone around here. Please don’t add to it.” I saw the way the girls looked at me. They never said anything, but it was written on their faces. They didn’t even know the half of what had happened in the gross, dirty house with Jester and his asshole friends.
Pity.
Disgust.
That was what was in their eyes when they looked at me.
“If anyone is judging you about what happened to you at the hand of Jester, then there is a special place in hell for them. Those are the people you don’t want in your life. Ignore those douche canoes.”
I rolled my eyes. That was so much easier said than done. “Was that what you wanted to tell me?” I had tried to tell myself the same thing before, but I couldn’t do it.
She shook her head. “No, I wanted to talk to you about me.”
Oh. Well, that wasn’t what I expected. “About you?” I repeated.
“Yes, honey. You and I are much more alike than you think.” She raised her hand to the bartender and asked for two glasses of water. She took a sip and sighed deep. “You know when Barracuda and I were hooking up?”
I nodded.
“Well, we weren’t hooking up. He was helping me get away from my ex who liked to beat and rape me when he had a little too much to drink.” She sighed and her eyes connected with mine.
Her words hit me like a freight train. “What?” I gasped. Strong and powerful Mitzy had been raped and beaten by her ex? How?
“Yes, honey. I’ve been in your same shoes.” She sighed. “I was in them for two years, though. For a long time I thought I deserved everything he did to me. I was late coming home. I forgot to buy milk. I didn’t make enough dinner. No matter what I did, there was always a reason to hit me.”
Holy shit. “I’m so sorry.” Here I sat, feeling sorry for myself when Mitzy had been through the same thing as me. Possibly even worse. For years.
“You don’t need to apologize, just like I’m not going to apologize to you for what happened to you. That doesn’t help. It doesn’t do anything to make the pain go away.”
“What makes the pain go away?” I was dying to know what I needed to do, think, or say for me to feel normal again. To not think on some level, I deserved what happened to me. I was doing something bad, so then something bad happened to me. I got what was coming to me. That was the only conclusion I always came to.
Do bad things, and bad things happen to you.
“Nothing.”
Her word hit me like a ton of bricks. “What?” I whispered.
She reached out and clutched my hand. “You learn to live with it and know you’ll never let it happen to you again. You take back the power taken away from you. Everything you do from now will be you lifting your middle finger in the air and saying fuck you to Jester and any other man who thinks they can take your power away.” Mitzy raised her middle finger. “Barracuda and the Royal Bastards taught me that. They helped me find my power again when I thought it was lost forever.”
I had only been working at Skinz for a little more than a year. I had always only known Mitzy as the badass bitch she was. “I don’t even know where to start to begin to think like that. I keep blaming myself for what happened to Billie Jean and I.”
She nodded over my shoulder. “That’s where that man comes in. He wants to help you. I’ve seen the way his eyes stay on you. How he searches for you when you move from his line of sight. He’s not looking for anything more than to help you find your way back. To find your power and lift your middle finger to the whole world. He just wants you to be the badass bitch you were before. He’s gonna help you find her.”
I blinked back the tears in my eyes. “How, Mitzy?”
She squeezed my hand. “Just let him be there, Memphis. Give him everything you can’t handle. Hell, you don’t even have to talk, Memphis. I can’t tell you how many nights I just sat there with Barracuda. Neither of us talking. It was nice just knowing he was there.”
“You two never...”
Mitzy shook her head. “No. Everyone thought we did, but there was never anything more between us than he helped me heal. To find the person I am now.”
I glanced over my shoulder at Six-Gun. “But what if he wants more? What if he isn’t like Barracuda.”
Mitzy drained her glass of water and stood. “He might want more, but I can tell you he is like Barracuda because he wouldn’t let anyone into his clubhouse who wasn’t. They may call themselves Bastards, but when it comes to women, children, and the innocent, they’ll do everything they can to protect them.” She rested her hand on my shoulder. “You’re going through a lot. I’m not telling you to sweep it under the rug. I’m telling you to face it head-on and find a way to live. Don’t let Jester win by taking away everything from you. You’re stronger than that. And, stop blaming yourself for what happened. That lays with Jester and no one else.” She gave me a small smile and slipped behind the bar and through the door to the backroom.
I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed.
Hell.
Her talk helped, but then, it also didn’t. It made things harder for me. It made me have to really think about Six-Gun and what I wanted.
I never felt he would force himself on me or make me feel bad for what happened, but it was hard to get my brain to think that way, for my body not to freeze up when he came near or reached for my hand.
Mitzy stuck her head out of the backroom. “Oh, and you’re still done early. I told you I’m not paying you to do anything. Your ass better be out of here in half an hour.”
Well, that basically decided my fate with Six-Gun.
Though just like Mitzy said, I always had the final choice.
Now I had to decide what to do next.