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“You okay?”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah.” I tipped my head to the side and smiled up at Six-Gun. “Same as I was five minutes ago.’
He cringed and shrugged. “Sorry, doll.”
I knew he wasn’t trying to drive me crazy, but he was. “Are you okay?”
He laughed and nodded. “Yeah, the urge to kill has passed. It was touch and go for a little bit there, but I’m good now.”
“That’s good. I’ll make sure to ask you in about five minutes or when you ask me next. Whichever happens first,” I sassed.
Six-Gun busted out laughing. “You got me there, doll.”
I turned back to the TV and laid my head on Six-Gun’s shoulder. “Thank you for asking, though.” I shouldn’t be a bitch to him when he was concerned about me. I just wasn’t used to it.
“I’ll try to wait ten minutes before I ask you again,” he chuckled.
“A whole ten minutes?” I laughed. “I don’t know what I’ll do with myself with the extra time.”
“You’re kind of a smartass, aren’t you?”
I had been.
I blinked and smiled.
I still was.
“Some things never change,” I laughed.
“So this is old Memphis, huh?”
I sighed. “She’s still in there. Just a little beat up.”
He pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “But she’s still there.”
“What changed?” he asked softly.
I turned, and my eyes connected with his.
“I mean, what changed inside you for you to come out of your room? I heard you, Memphis. I lost track of how many nights I would sit outside your room and listen to you cry.”
“You...you sat outside my room?” That was news to me. I had no idea. “For how long?”
Six-Gun shrugged. “Uh, well, I think it had to be...every night?”
“Six,” I gasped. “Why on earth would you do that?”
“I was worried about you. I didn’t know what to do to help you, but I wanted to be here for you. You pulled something inside of me, and it wouldn’t let go.”
“I could barely get out of bed, Six. I wasn’t pulling anything inside you when I couldn’t even pull myself together.”
“Maybe that’s why I felt I needed to sit outside your room. I was there if you needed help.”
“Six,” she whispered. “Why are you so nice to me?”
“Because you deserve it. I’m here to make sure you’re always safe and protected from now on.”
“Well, you did a good job of it today.”
As crazy as it sounded, Six-Gun had kept me safe today even if that asshole had managed to get his hands on me.
It had happened so fast, that there wasn’t any way for Six-Gun to get there quicker than he had.
One second, Raelyn had been laughing about how I was holding the pool cue, and the next, that asshole had jumped up from his stool and claimed he was going to show me how to shoot. He wrapped his arms around me from behind and tried to bend me over to the table.
The second he touched me, my mind had zoned out and cleared of everything.
I went into survival mode.
My mind couldn’t handle the thought of someone touching me, so I basically just blacked out.
I didn’t snap out of it until I realized Monk was holding me and Six-Gun had the guy pressed against the wall.
“I know you might not feel it, but you’re strong as fuck, Memphis.”
I didn’t feel it. I felt like I was broken into a million pieces and I wouldn’t ever be able to find all of the pieces and shards to put myself back together. “Sure.”
“Doll, you gotta believe me on this one.”
“I do.” I didn’t. Being strong wasn’t blacking out when someone touched you and having someone else protect you. It was fighting back and not letting it happen in the first place.
“What made you finally decide to come out of you room?” he asked.
I looked back at the TV. “I don’t know. I woke up one day and I couldn’t cry about it anymore. I had to get out of here and away from myself.”
“From yourself?” he asked.
I nodded. “Yeah. When I was locked up in here, all I had to do was think about why it happened. How I could have avoided it. Why it was my fault.”
Six-Gun jackknifed up. “Back the fuck up, Memphis.” He looked down at me, outraged. “Your fault?” he growled.
I rolled my eyes. “It was my fault I had put Billie Jean in that position. It wasn’t my fault Jester had...done what he did to me.”
“And it wasn’t your fault Billie Jean decided she was going to go all cop and try to catch the assholes doing whatever the fuck they were doing. You’re not gonna take responsibility for her, Memphis. Everything that happened to you was not your fault. It was not Billie Jean’s fault. The only person who can take blame and everything is fucking Jester and his dumbass friends. That’s it.”
“Mitzy basically said the same thing. She also told me I needed to come back as a badass bitch, too.” I laughed. “I’m sure you’ll get around to telling me that, too.”
He rolled his eyes. “Doll, please tell me you don’t blame yourself.”
I did, but I also didn’t.
I had made the dumb choice to work for Jester for some extra cash, but I also knew that didn’t give him the right to do whatever he wanted to me.
At least, most days I knew that.
“I blame myself for being dumb enough to put myself in that situation, but I know it’s not my fault Jester was such a piece of shit human being. So it’s like fifty/fifty,” I laughed.
“I’m gonna move you, okay?” he asked.
I nodded. Six-Gun could touch me and be close to me without a problem. The fact he still asked for permission was the sweetest thing ever.
He gathered me in his arms and rolled me on top of him. My legs were on either side of his waist, and I was sitting right on top of him. “The view is nice from up here,” I laughed.
Six-Gun rested his hands on the tops of my thighs. “It’s fucking amazing from down here, too.”
I laid my hands on his chest and sighed. “You’re too good to me, Six. I’m windblown and looking like a hot mess from being on the back of your bike all day.” After the incident at the bar, we climbed back on Six-Gun’s bike, and the club continued north for another hour before we turned around and took the long way back to the clubhouse.
I guess taking the long way when you were out on a ride was the normal thing to do.
I liked it.
“Just treating you like I should, doll.”
I leaned down and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel and do now, Six-Gun.” I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead to his. “Part of my brain yells that it’s been three months and I need to start to move on. Then the other part of my brain also yells it’s only been three months and I need to...I don’t. Do nothing. Stay stuck in being sad and crying.”
“Why can’t you listen to both parts of your brain?” he asked softly. “You start to move on, but you also know if you need to stop to breathe and cry, you can. Dealing with something like this isn’t going to just miraculously happen, Memphis. Fuck, doll. You’re gonna have to deal with this for the rest of your life.”
The thought made me sad. I was going to have to carry around Jester for the rest of my life. “I don’t want Jester in my life, Six. I want him gone.”
“He is, but the memory of what he did is still there.” He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed. “There are just going to be times where you’re gonna have to remind yourself of that. Don’t let him take space up in your mind where he doesn’t belong.”
I sighed and closed my eyes. “Oh, Lord, Six. I’m a downright mess. I don’t know why you’re even dealing with me. I swear you can leave me and I won’t think one bad thing about you.”
He had helped me so much and I wasn’t doing anything but going back and forth. Swear to God, I was being bi-polar. One second I was fine, and then the next, I wasn’t.
“Thanks, doll, but I like where I am right now.” He rubbed his hand gently up and down my back.
“Well, I like it too, but if you ever stop liking it, Six, please just leave. I couldn’t handle you staying because you feel you have to.”
God forbid he stayed because he felt sorry for me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if that happened. My life was messed up, but that didn’t mean his had to be.
“You just let me worry about that, doll.”
“Just promise me, Six. Promise you’ll go if this is too much for you.”
He sighed heavily. “Okay.”
I didn’t believe him. He was too good.
Too good of a man for me.
I was broken and would never be the same. I don’t think he understood that. “I’m not old Memphis.” Maybe I needed to spell it out word for word for him. “I used to—”
He squeezed me tight. “Memphis,” he growled. “I didn’t know old Memphis. I only saw you from a distance at the club, and we never spoke a word to each other. The only Memphis I know is who you are right now. I don’t want the old one. I want the one who is laying in my arms. What you are now, what you’ll be tomorrow, and what you’ll be fifty years from now.”
“But I don’t know what that will be or look like, Six.” Why couldn’t he understand what I was trying to say?
“Fucking hell, Memphis. Do you think anyone knows what or who they are going to be tomorrow, next year, or fifty years from now? No one knows. Neither do you.”
I tipped my head back and looked down at him. “I just...”
“You just want me to understand that you’ve been through a lot, and that’s shaping you into who you are. I understand. I know each day is going to be a battle for you to get up and go. Somedays are going to be easier than others.” He brushed my hair from my face. “And I want you to know and understand, I want to be there on those days where you can’t get out of bed. Where you think you aren’t worth it. I wanna be there to tell you that you are worth it, and that it’s okay to not want to get out of bed. If you wanna be sad, Memphis, be sad. But just know, I’m there. Happy, sad, upset. I’m here.”
A sob escaped my lips. “How did I get so lucky, Six?”
“I’m the lucky one, Memphis.”
I laughed and wiped a tear from my eye. “How about we agree that we’re both lucky then?”
He reached up and brushed his finger over my lips. “That I can fully agree with.”
The feel of his finger on my lips was rough but gentle. “I wanna kiss you, Six-Gun. I want you.” I wanted all of him.
“Are you ready for that, Memphis? I’ll wait forever for you, doll. Hell, as long as you give me this, I’ll be more than happy.”
I laughed and pressed a kiss to his finger. “This is barely first base, Six,” I laughed.
“No need to round the bases right now, doll.”
“But,” I drawled. “Maybe we could see how far we could get?” I leaned down and whispered in his ear. “Maybe hit a homerun?” My mind and heart both knew Six-Gun would never hurt me. He was the one thing in my life that I didn’t doubt. “The ball is in your court now, Six.”
He rolled us over ‘til he was on top and pressed a kiss to my lips. “Now you’re talking basketball, doll, but I’m picking up what you’re laying down.” His eyes connected with mine. “Just say the word if you want me to stop. No questions asked and we’ll go back to watching TV, okay?”
I bit my lip and nodded.
I wanted this.
I wanted Six-Gun.
“Okay.”