The cozy living room where Esther brought him to sit and talk had that warm, lived-in feeling. Ash imagined her husband coming home after a long day of work to put his feet up on the overstuffed ottoman and settle into his club chair with a drink and the newspaper.
That actually sounded like a perfect ending to anyone’s day, now that Ash thought about it. He waited until Esther sat in her favorite chair; then he brought her a white wine before settling into a club chair next to her with an iced vodka. He chose not to put his feet up on the ottoman.
Esther surprised him by talking first. “The Chinese place I sent Drew to pick up dinner from takes a while, so we can have a nice long chat.”
It was impossible to be in this woman’s company and not smile. “I see. And why do you think I couldn’t speak freely with Drew around?”
“Because you’ve developed feelings for him.”
He choked on his drink, then wiped his mouth and set the glass on a small table nearby. “Esther, I can’t imagine why you’d say something so ridiculous but—”
“Deny it to my face.” Her bright blue eyes challenged him.
He opened his mouth, then shut it. Then opened it again. “I’m not in love with Drew.” Even to his ears, his muttered denial sounded weak at best.
“I didn’t say you were in love with him.” Her eyes dimmed. “Asher, dear, I know life has not been easy for you, am I right?”
He jerked a small nod, his gaze darting between the floor and her gentle face.
“The first thing you have to learn is to love yourself and believe you’re worthy to receive love. Only then can you have a healthy relationship with another person.”
At that he barked out a harsh laugh. “Love, love, love. All this talk of love. You say I’m in love with Drew, that I have to love myself. I’m sorry, Esther, but I gave up on love, Santa, and the Easter Bunny when I was a young boy.” He rubbed his arms to quell his inner turmoil. “None of them ever appeared in my house when I was growing up.”
“Someone hurt you, didn’t they?” Those gentle knowing eyes held his and he couldn’t look away. “I’ll never repeat what you’ve told me, but after all these years it might feel good to get it off your chest.”
Never had he been this vulnerable, not since Mr. Frank had taken him in. But Esther had those same wise eyes. Eyes that looked as though they’d seen things too. Things she could never forget.
Ash needed several deep breaths of restorative air, before he answered her. “I was only a child, but I was made to do and see things that no one should have to endure.” Without him realizing it, she took his hand. “I can’t speak about it. I want to, but seeing these kids now, helping them brings it all back into full focus.” He held onto her surprisingly warm, firm grip like a lifeline.
“I haven’t been sleeping well, and today one of the kids got to me in a way that hasn’t happened in a long time. Drew found me, and it…well, let’s say it wasn’t my finest moment.”
Esther said nothing, merely giving his hand a squeeze of support every now and then.
“I shouldn’t be telling you this, should I? That when Drew found me it…” He gulped nervously, embarrassed to continue, but what the hell? He’d come this far already; he might as well complete his humiliation. “…it felt so good to let go. For the first time in my life I wanted—” He dropped Esther’s hand, turning his face away from hers. “I’m so sick of life. It’s too much sometimes.”
“I know, dear boy—”
“I’m sorry, Esther, but you don’t know. You don’t know the deep dark hell some people go through every day of their lives. Their despair over a life so hopeless they wonder why they bother to get up in the morning.” He faced her, his eyes streaming. “You can’t understand.”
She sat silent for a while, her face turned toward the window. “How little you young people know about what my generation has seen. Or maybe you do know but choose to forget.” Ash stared in silence as she pushed up the sleeve of her sweater to reveal the numbers tattooed on her arm.
His throat seized, and he lost the ability to speak. Not Esther, not this sweet, loving woman. How had she managed to make it out alive?
“Man’s inhumanity to man, they said.” Her voice quivered slightly. “I saw it all. I won’t burden you with my own tales of horror.” Esther faced him, her eyes bright with tears. “But I know about despair. I know about fear.” Once again she grasped his hand. “But one thing I never gave up was hope. When you give up hope, then you are truly lost. Never give up hope, darling Asher. Never.”
“What I hope for, Esther, is either long gone or will never come to pass. I have one hope now and that’s to find my foster brothers.” A brush of his forearm over the wetness of his eyes cleared his vision in more ways than one. “And I’m sure you want Drew to marry a nice woman, settle down, and have babies.”
Simply saying those words hurt his heart. Never in his life had he been more confused. This wasn’t him. His only goal was to seek out pleasure, whenever and wherever he could find it. To fuck and be fucked. Emotions and personal involvement—none of it ever entered his plans, but somewhere along the way, he’d gone off course, now with disastrous results.
Through the open window he heard a car door slam and Drew’s voice, along with his sister’s and his other friends’, drifted into the house. He jumped to his feet, afraid of being caught and drew in a shuddering breath.
“Drew’s back. I don’t want him to see me like this, and I appreciate your willingness to keep our conversation private.”
“You have my word. But know one thing.” She stopped his departure from the room by the tone of her voice. “The only thing I want for my grandchildren is for them to be happy. They’ve had enough tragedy in their lives. However and whomever they choose to love and spend the rest of their lives with is up to them.” She walked out and left him standing in shock.
Drew thrust one of the bags of Chinese takeout into Jordan’s hands. “Here, make yourself useful and take this.”
“Chill out, man. What’s crawled up your ass?” Jordan hefted the bag and passed it to Mike. He reached for one of the others in Drew’s hand. “Here. Give me another one.”
Rachel pulled up in her car and beeped her horn. “Hey, guys.” She slammed the car door shut and ran over to give Drew a kiss. “How’s it going, D, Jordy?” She turned with a wide smile to Mike, who scowled at her. “What’s the matter with you?”
“You didn’t lock the car, did you? Didn’t I warn you last night—”
“Last night?” The bottom dropped out of Drew’s stomach. “How did you…wait. You mean you two…” His gaze ricocheted between his best friend and his sister, who wouldn’t meet his eye but blushed bright red. Furious, he dropped the bag of food and grabbed Mike’s arm. “You’re sneaking around behind my back with my sister? What the fuck, Levin? You couldn’t come and tell me?”
Rachel pulled at his arm. “Stop it, Drew and listen to me. Mike wanted to tell you, but I said no. Not yet. We weren’t sneaking around; it sort of happened. Can’t you understand that?” She pressed against Mike’s chest, and Drew’s jaw tightened watching his friend draw her close in a possessive hold. “Haven’t you ever been unexpectedly attracted to someone before and needed some time to figure it out?”
“What’s going on out here?”
At his grandmother’s voice, his gaze jerked to the front door of the house. She stood on the steps, peering over at them, Ash by her side, a frown twisting his lips.
“Everyone come inside, now.”
Obeying Esther’s command, they traipsed into the house and stood in the kitchen as Esther, with Ash standing next to her, grim and resolute as a granite-faced sphinx, flayed them with her tongue as if they were children, not grown men over thirty.
“What is the meaning of arguing in the street like common hoodlums? If you have a disagreement, you come inside and discuss it like civilized people.” Her gaze shifted to Drew, and he swallowed hard, uncomfortable at being the first under her sharp regard.
“I gather she told you about her and Michael.”
Stunned, he lost the power of speech momentarily. “She…she told you?” He raked his sister with an accusing glare, watching her wilt against Mike, who slid his arm around her waist. “I thought we were closer than that.”
“Oh no, don’t try and make her feel guilty.” Her voice cut through him like a whip. “There are some things women talk about with each other first, before we discuss them with men. Do you know Rachel’s main concern was how you would react? It wasn’t the happiness of being in love. It was about you.”
He shoved his hands into his jeans pockets and kicked the toe of his sneaker back and forth across the kitchen floor. This was the last thing he’d ever expected. Mike? Fun-loving, hard-partying Mike? With his little sister? From the corner of his eye he could see the tenderness with which his friend held Rachel, soothing her as she buried her face in his shoulder. His gaze then rested on Ash, who also concentrated on Mike and Rachel, an uncertain expression in his eye.
But his grandmother wasn’t finished. “You’re angry at your sister for falling in love? This isn’t a stranger; it’s your friend. A man who’s like a brother to you. Rachel was so worried about your reaction she told me not to say anything and of course I wouldn’t. Because it’s for her to tell you, when the time was right. I didn’t like you being kept in the dark, but couldn’t imagine you not being happy for her.”
The full force of her blazing blue eyes turned back on him. It didn’t matter that he was her only grandson; she would never let him get away with what she perceived as a wrong.
“No one has the right to tell anyone who they should or shouldn’t love. Maybe one day you’ll fall in love again, and the person won’t be someone we would’ve expected.” When she slipped her arm inside the crook of his elbow, only then could he tell by the shaking of her slight frame how emotionally overwrought his grandmother was. “Think about this. Are you angry with her because it’s Michael, or because she didn’t tell you?”
“I’m sorry. Don’t get so upset.”
“Don’t treat me like a china doll. I’m more aware of what goes on in this world than you think.” With her free hand she beckoned Rachel to come stand by her. Mike rubbed her shoulders and whispered in her ear. Rachel nodded and came over to them. “Sweetheart, tell your brother how you feel.” His grandmother withdrew her arm from his and shooed out Jordan and Ash. “Come, boys. Let’s leave them alone now.”
Ash leaned over and kissed Nana’s cheek. “Actually, Esther, I’m going to head out. I have a case I need to prepare for.” Without waiting for a reply he walked out; Drew heard the front door open then bang shut.
Shocked over Ash’s precipitous leave-taking, Drew nevertheless concentrated his full attention where it belonged. On Rachel and Mike. “So. How long have you two, you know…?” Shrugging, he couldn’t go on. What was he supposed to ask—how long his sister and best friend had been sleeping together? Um. No, thank you.
“Look, Rach, forget it. Nana’s right. It’s none of my business. I wish you could’ve told me sooner. But I understand why you thought I might freak out.” Their gazes caught, and they both burst into laughter at the same time. “I love you. If you want to be with Mike, it’s fine, but God only knows why when there are so many better men in the city.”
Mike snorted.
“Hey.” Rachel hugged him tight. “Thank you.”
“Love you.”
“Love you too.”
Now to deal with his friend. “Levin, come here.” He folded his arms across his chest, glowering at Mike, who gave back as good as he got. For the first time, Drew looked at Mike as someone who might be his brother one day. Tall, brawny and blond, Mike Levin had never lacked for female companionship, despite the loss of almost all the hearing in his left ear. Now that Drew thought about it, recently Mike had been quieter, more settled than he’d ever been in the past.
When they were face-to-face, Drew poked him in the chest. “If you ever hurt her, I’ll kill you.”
“If I ever hurt her, I’ll let you do it. But I won’t, D.” He threw a loving glance at Rachel. “I never saw it coming, but she’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”
And that was that. Nothing else mattered, did it? Anyone with half a brain could see the chemistry between Mike and Rachel now that he was aware of it. The man couldn’t take his eyes off her. That’s the way it should be, and it once again reminded Drew of his own failure of a marriage and lack of a love life.
“Well, all right, man. Be good to her.”
“Promise.”
The three of them hugged, but it was Mike she stayed with now, her face glowing and Mike’s arm remaining in a possessive hold over her. Drew heard a sniffle and glanced over his shoulder. Nana stood in the doorway, wiped her eyes and smiled.
“I’m glad that’s settled. Drew, will you help me heat up the food, please?” With neat, precise movements she put on her apron and pulled out the plates they would eat the Chinese food on. “Why don’t the rest of you go outside and enjoy the nice weather?” After shooting each other quizzical looks, Jordan, Mike, and Rachel headed out to the backyard.
Obviously, his grandmother had something on her mind she wanted to speak to him about. He took out multiple boxes of food and set them on the counter. “Can I ask you something, Nana?”
Her hands stilled on the door of the microwave. “You aren’t still angry about Rachel and Michael, are you?”
“What? No of course not.” He shook his head. “I get it, and I’m fine with it.” Jordan and Mike tossed a football around in the backyard with Rachel in the middle, laughing and screeching at them to let her catch it once. A smile crossed his lips. Maybe it had been inevitable that Mike and Rachel would fall in love.
And as usual, he was the odd man out. Jordan had Keith, and now Mike had Rachel. Not that Drew missed Jackie at all. What he missed was someone to wake up with, to hold and hold him.
He hated being alone. Even as a child, he’d beg to go wherever his parents went, even if it was only to the supermarket. It was part of the reason he’d gotten the cat after his marriage broke up. As he saw it, his fear of being alone caused all the problems in his life. But as much as he loved Domino, it wasn’t the same as having someone to share his bed and his body with.
“What happened with Ash when I went to get the food? Everything was fine until you said you wanted to talk. The next thing I know, he hightailed it out of here as fast as he could.”
For the first time his grandmother looked disconcerted. “We spoke, and I told him of my past, in the camps.” A tear rolled down her face, and in an instant, he went to her, holding her close. “That poor boy has seen so much pain in his life. I never knew his troubles ran so deep.”
A current of unease ran through him. “What are you talking about?”
She tipped her head back to look into his eyes. “You mean you and he have never talked?” Her voice rang with surprise. “I thought you were very close.”
He spoke sharper than usual. “What does that mean? Very close?” Jesus, he’d never acted this rudely to his grandmother before. Biting back another harsh retort, he managed to control his temper. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. Why would I be close with him? You don’t know him very well, Nana, but he isn’t a nice person. He sleeps around, he has few friends, and he doesn’t really care about anybody except himself. There’s a reason he’s alone. He likes it that way.”
But even as he spoke, Drew recalled those unguarded moments when he’d seen Ash in a different light. The time he’d bolted from the table at the restaurant, wild-eyed and sweating. And today, when Drew had held a trembling Ash in his arms. The ugly past Ash tried so hard to silence and bury beneath an arrogant, uncaring façade lay too close to the surface for him to hide forever. Drew’s conscience pricked at him, as if to chide him for his own mean-spiritedness.
He wished this conversation had never happened and hoped it had come to an end, but he should’ve known better. Only once before had he seen his grandmother this angry. At the trial for his parents’ case against the trucking company, the defense attorney had alluded that maybe Drew’s father had been drinking himself. It was a sight to remember, but his grandmother had gathered her shattered emotions and instead, at trial, made an impassioned victims’ speech to the judge and jury that left everyone in the court in tears.
Now, here in her kitchen, was the second time. “You should be ashamed of yourself. I’m ashamed for you and surprised. You’re basing your beliefs on what others have told you.”
Knowing it wasn’t possible for him to tell his grandmother of Ash’s sexual escapades, he remained resolute in his opinion. “Look, I know you have a soft spot for him, and I like him well enough, but he’s a loner, Nana. Yes, he’s charming and handsome, but he isn’t someone you can get through to.” Even as he spoke the words, regret filled his heart. He’d thought Ash could, somehow, meld into his family dynamic as another friend. Sure, their strange sexual attraction unsettled him, but Drew could’ve dealt with it until he started dating again.
“Believe me, no one likes to be alone. That boy needs people around him. Trust me, I know. He’s crying out for help, and I’m afraid if one of us doesn’t take him in hand, something terrible might happen to him.” The worry in her eyes unnerved him, as she was never one for histrionics. Rachel must have at long last caught the ball as her shrieking and Mike and Jordan’s teasing from outside had stopped.
“Did he talk to you?” For Ash to confide in his grandmother would be nothing less than shocking.
“No, not much. He locked himself up tight as a clam and refused to say a word. But I see beneath the smile that never reaches his eyes.” With a fierceness he didn’t know she possessed, Nana grabbed his arm. “I’m worried after our talk he might do something bad to himself. You think I’m too old that I don’t understand the ways of the world. I know he’s a homosexual, gay. Why should that matter to me? But something’s not right with him. He’s a very depressed man. Promise me after dinner you’ll go check on him. For me?”
Although there was nothing less he’d rather do than play babysitter to Asher Davis, he agreed, because he’d do anything for his grandmother. All throughout dinner, he allowed everyone to think his silence was still the result of his surprise over Rachel and Mike’s relationship. The pleasant dinnertime chatter washed over him, and he made sure to nod at all the right times to keep them from thinking he wasn’t paying attention to what they were saying.
In truth, he could only think about Ash.