Ash awoke slowly, cracking one eye open, an unfamiliar warmth snuggled into his chest. Soft puffs of breath wafted across his cheek, and one of Drew’s legs rested over his thigh. His cock swelled full and heavy, pressing into Drew’s belly, but he made no move to initiate early morning sex. Drew had been so bone weary last night when they’d gone to bed, Ash wanted to give him a few more minutes before he’d have to wake up and jump into what promised to be another overwhelming and exhausting day.
Instead, he took the opportunity to hold Drew close. With the pads of his fingertips, he traced the smattering of freckles dotting the fine, pale skin of Drew’s shoulder. Like a game of connect the dots, Ash followed his fingers with his tongue, as little dips and tastes of all that sweetness would have to be enough to hold him for another day. Drew shifted, mumbling in his sleep, and turned on his other side, so now Ash’s cock nestled in the hot crease of his firm ass.
It would be so easy to slide between those tight cheeks and rock himself to oblivion. Take his pleasure without thinking of Drew’s. But it wasn’t what Ash wanted anymore. Like he did last night, Ash wanted to see Drew’s face when he entered him and watch Drew’s eyes grow blind with lust when he came.
Shit, he sounded like a fucking cheesy Hallmark card. Easing out from underneath Drew’s body, he stood and gave a lingering look at the sleep-warmed man lying in the bed. For the first time Ash shared a bed with someone other than when he, Luke and Brandon had huddled together in his bed back at their foster home. But that didn’t count. They’d come together then because they were scared of storms or when Munson was beating up his wife. Not the fondest of memories.
This was different. And when Drew sighed and cuddled the pillow, an unfamiliar twist curled through Ash’s heart and he wanted nothing more than to climb back into that bed. Instead, he forced himself to turn on his heel and, after finding a toothbrush and disposable razor in the bathroom, cleaned himself up. He picked up his wrinkled clothes from the floor with distaste. He couldn’t go to the office like this, but nothing Drew owned would fit him.
He wandered into the kitchen, determined to wake up and make himself some coffee. The sight of the large black-and-white cat sitting in the center of the kitchen floor, staring at him with those wide, unblinking eyes, unnerved him for a second. “Hey, cat. Are you hungry too?”
No answer, merely a swish of the tail.
Hmm. He saw the cat bowl on the floor, but finding the food would require a search of the cabinets, which was kind of personal, but what the hell. After opening and closing several doors, he found a bag of dry food. Success. When he picked up the bag, the cat came to life, meowing and winding himself around Ash’s legs. After he filled the bowl with food, Ash replaced the water. The animal now taken care of, Ash discovered the coffee and set out to brew himself a cup.
Minutes later the sweet aroma of vanilla-bean coffee filled the air and he poured himself a cup. He glanced at the kitchen clock, registering it was barely eight o’clock. Remembering he had a business to take care of, he picked up the phone and called the office.
“Davis and Frank. How may I help you?” Laura’s early morning, perky voice greeted him.
“Hello, Laura. Is Walker in yet?”
“Good morning, Mr. Davis. Yes, Mr. Walker is here, preparing for your ten o’clock.”
He sipped his coffee. Good. “Put him on, please.”
“Of course, sir. One moment.”
A click and then a nervous-sounding Walker came on. “Mr. Davis? Is everything okay?”
Walker had been with him for eight months now, but Ash still thought the man believed he’d be fired anytime they spoke.
“Everything’s fine. I’ve had a bit of a family emergency, so I won’t make the meeting.”
“I see.” A cautious tone crept into Walker’s voice. “I can reschedule them.”
“No, no.” Ash heard movement from the other room, and suddenly anxious to see Drew again, hastened to end the call. “I trust you to handle it.”
Silence for a moment. “You do?” Walker sounded so incredulous Ash had to laugh.
“Yes, I do, unless you think there’s a reason I shouldn’t?” Ash chuckled to himself as Walker stuttered in his ear.
“N-no. Of course not. Thank you, sir. I’ll make sure everything turns out the way you intended it to. You can count on me.”
“I know, Walker. I’ll talk to you later.” He clicked off and made another cup of coffee. He found bagels in a bag on the counter and had taken out a knife to slice them for toasting when a noise behind him caught his attention. He whirled around.
“Oh my God, Ash. No.” Drew stood at the doorway to the kitchen, naked except for a pair of boxers, a frightened expression on his pale face. “Put the knife down, please.”
What the fuck? Then he looked down and saw his hand still gripping the large serrated bread knife and knew immediately what Drew had thought. Embarrassed, he instinctively struck out. “What? Afraid I’m going to bleed all over your kitchen?” After that cruel jab, he couldn’t look at Drew, so he turned around, his entire body tight with shame, anger, and regret. He tossed the knife onto the counter and bowed his head, struggling to keep from lashing out further.
How stupid to give in to his desire to sleep with Drew. The man knew too much about him. Drew had stripped back his layers, almost to his center core. The part of him he’d always kept hidden, for fear if anyone ever got to that point, they’d see what and who he truly was.
Nothing. A nobody.
A warm palm flattened against his back. Ash flinched and tried to pull away, but the other hand slipped around his waist. Drew leaned against Ash’s back and held him close, his cheek pressed into the muscles of his shoulders.
“I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions. I got so scared when I saw you holding the knife everything else flew out of my head.” Drew’s soft, warm lips kissed his neck. “Forgive me.”
Ash turned and faced Drew, his green eyes so open and honest Ash couldn’t help but pull him close. “No, I’m sorry I yelled at you. You had every right to think something might happen, especially now that you know.”
Drew stepped back but held on to his wrist, his fingertips trailing over the old scars. Though long healed, the nerve endings had never fully recovered and numbness remained at the surface. “Will you tell me what happened?” Drew’s voice struggled to remain neutral. “Only if you want to, of course.”
Thoughts scurried through Ash’s mind like mice. What to say, what to hide? Then he remembered last night, watching Drew’s open face under him as they made love. The trust he’d been given was a gift. He couldn’t lie to this man if his life depended on it.
“I made you coffee.” He handed Drew his cup. “Let’s go back to bed, and I’ll try to explain.” Glancing at the clock, he saw it was eight thirty. “We have time before we go to the hospital.”
Drew accepted his cup and they walked back to the bedroom. “Thank you.” A small smile curved his lips. “You’re coming with me?”
Ash got into bed. “Of course. If you want me to, that is.”
“Of course I want you with me.”
Warmth suffused him. No one had wanted or needed him since his foster care days.
After Drew set his cup down and joined him in the bed, Ash put his arms around him and gulped a deep breath. “It all started when I was fourteen. The first time Munson raped me. He tried to be nice at first, but when I wouldn’t give in to him, he beat me with the butt of his gun and cuffed me to the bed. He told me I was a bad boy because if I fought him, that meant he would go to Luke and do what I wouldn’t let him do to me. I had no choice but to give him what he wanted.”
Ash could see it all again, the images rising in his mind, imprinted in stark relief. Oddly it was things like the lumpy mattress cutting into his back that came to mind first, along with the scratchy, bright blue blanket that provided little warmth. Then the memories of the pain. The gun hitting him, the cuffs on his wrists, and the ropes on his ankles as he struggled, and ultimately, the hated touch of his foster father invading his body.
“Oh Ash.” Drew took his hand and he held on.
“I let him do whatever he wanted to me, as long as he left the other kids alone. But one night when it got too much, I took a knife here”—he pointed to the thickest scars on his wrists—“and here, and I tried to kill myself.”
There’d been so much blood and pain, but his foster mother found him and took him to a lady who lived two houses down from them. No questions asked. The neighbor, Mrs. Cartwright, simply stitched and bandaged him up and he went home.
Drew looked horrified. “No one reported it? My God, you could’ve died.”
Ash chuckled at his naïveté. “Baby, we lived in a small, one-road town. One way in and out. No one was gonna go against a cop, especially a mean son of a bitch like Munson. After that I got smart. I’d let him do what he wanted, but he hated when I marked myself.” It was worth every slap he got, whenever Munson saw a new knife cut on his arms. “It only made me want to do it more. To let him know he couldn’t tell me what to do with my body.”
He fell back on the pillows, taking Drew back with him to rest on his chest. Ash held Drew close, comforted by his nonjudgmental silence. “When I ran away, I cut myself again and wound up in the hospital, but by then I was eighteen, and they couldn’t send me back. I walked out of the hospital during the night and came up to New York, got a job in a fast-food place, and studied every night for my GED.”
Now that he’d started, the words rushed out from him, fierce and unstoppable. “I saved every penny, slept in shelters or wherever I could find a place. I never sold myself, though, ’cause I was too scared of gettin’ a disease. I went to a community college, then to a four-year one. That’s when I knew I wanted to be a lawyer to help kids like me.”
Still Drew said nothing, merely letting him talk out his pain.
“During college, my manager at the restaurant felt sorry for me, so he rented me a room in his house. I thought he’d want sex from me in exchange, but he was honest and only took some money from my paycheck. I got to study and graduated top of my class. That’s how I got the scholarship from Mr. Frank to go to law school.”
Drained, he closed his eyes but kept talking. “Everywhere I went, I looked for Luke and Brandon. I knew I’d failed them. And every time I thought about how much I’d let them down, I’d carve another little piece out of my arm to keep me focused on finding them.”
Drew kissed his cheek and placed his warm hand over Ash’s heart. “You’ll find them one day. I can help you if you want. I’ll help you through it all.”
Ash slid his palm over Drew’s hand to hold him tight. He couldn’t stop touching Drew, needing the connection, like a lifeline to his heart. “I found Luke. He’s away on an extended business trip, but he lives here, in the city.”
“That’s wonderful.” Drew sat up, and Ash sensed his nervousness. “I hate to stop you here, but I want to get to the hospital early to have a chance to speak to the doctors.”
“Of course. Let’s get dressed and go.” He jumped out of bed, no longer caring that his clothes were all wrinkled. Let people think what they would about him and Drew; it was nobody’s fucking business but their own. The weight he’d carried for years no longer suffocated him. He’d talked to Drew about some of what happened to him, and hadn’t been turned away. Maybe they could make this work.
He smiled as he buttoned his shirt and tucked it into his slacks, trying to smooth out the wrinkles. Drew came out of the bedroom looking good enough to eat in a pale green shirt, dark blue tie, and black pants. Ash couldn’t resist pulling Drew close to grab his ass with one hand. Now that he’d finally kissed Drew on the mouth, he craved more of him. He crushed his lips over Drew’s, loving the softness. Drew’s mouth opened, accepting the slide of his tongue inside.
Drew whimpered as their tongues tangled together. Showing restraint he didn’t know he possessed, Ash pulled away and huffed out a laugh. “If we don’t leave now, I’ll keep you in bed all day.”
Something dark flashed in Drew’s eyes; then he seemed to realize where they were headed. “Right, we’d better hurry.”
Ash nodded, grabbed the bagels from the counter, and followed Drew out of the apartment and down the stairs.
Quite a different scene greeted them this morning than when they’d left the night before, with the most important thing being Esther was awake and talking. A circle of doctors and nurses surrounded her. Drew, who’d put on a white doctor’s coat, looked incredibly hot and sexy, even when he told him to wait outside while he went into the ICU to consult with the cardiologist.
For a moment, Ash almost forgot himself and went to give him a kiss good-bye. And it seemed as though Drew was of a like mind as he too leaned in as if to accept it. Only the sound of Jordan, Rachel, and Mike’s voices stopped him short.
“Drew, how is she? Have you seen her yet?” Rachel came running up and grabbed Drew’s arm. Drew put his arm around her and walked her away to speak with her in private.
Ash turned to greet Mike. “Hey, how’s it going?” Mike gave him a fist bump, then continued on to join Rachel and Drew. Ash watched as Drew spoke with them for a few minutes more, then left to go inside his grandmother’s room. The white coat gave him an air of authority, and those tortoiseshell glasses turned Ash’s insides soft with desire. Let people think what they wanted. Ash couldn’t take his eyes off him. Who knew he’d go for that sexy, intellectual look? His lips curved in a smile as he watched Drew lean down to kiss Esther.
Someone poked him in the back. “What the fuck is going on?” Surprised, he turned around to find Jordan up in his face, icy blue eyes spitting fire. “You better have a goddamn good explanation, Davis.” Jordan poked him again, this time in the chest.
Ash leaned back against the wall, a lazy smile on his lips, but his voice clipped out cold and hard. “You fucking put your hands on me again, I’ll make you sorry. I don’t care that you’re Drew’s friend or that your boyfriend’s a cop. Got it?”
Jordan rocked on the balls of his feet, his arms crossed in front of his body. “Go to hell, Davis.”
“Been there, done that already.” Ash smirked, mimicking Jordan’s body language. He didn’t think they’d end up in a brawl inside the hospital, but he wasn’t about to get caught short. Not by Jordan. “What’s your problem?”
“What are you doing here? You’re not family or close with us. And why are you wearing the same clothes you had on yesterday?” Jordan’s disdainful gaze raked him up and down, but there was nothing sexual in his appraisal. If anything he looked angry and disgusted.
Since when did Jordan think he owed him any explanations? Ash raised a brow and smiled. “Fuck off. I don’t answer to you, and neither does Drew.” Then, knowing how it would infuriate Jordan, Ash turned his back on him and walked away, toward Mike and Rachel.
Ash didn’t count on Jordan’s tenacity, however. Before he reached the seating area, where Mike and Rachel waited for Drew to come back and tell them about Esther, Jordan grabbed his arm.
Ash stopped dead in his tracks. “If you want to have your hand remain intact to perform surgery, I suggest you get it off me. Now.” No one touched him unless he wanted them to. Years of getting tied down and brutalized would do that to a person. Jordan, however, didn’t know that and continued to hold on to him. Beads of perspiration popped out on his forehead and Ash shook from the combination of rage and fear spiraling though him. Spots whirled before his eyes, and his breath caught in his throat. If he didn’t get Jordan off him, he’d end up in the midst of a full-fledged panic attack in the middle of the hospital.
With one gigantic effort, Ash pulled away from Jordan’s grasp, though the nausea and dizziness remained. The coolness of the tile wall he braced himself against seeped through his sweat-soaked body. Jordan took a step closer, and Ash stiffened, then snarled at him. “Get off me. Leave me alone.”
Jordan got the message at last and allowed Mike to lead him away, though both men kept shooting confused looks over their shoulders as they found seats in the waiting area. Rachel came over to him and, speaking very gently, touched his hand. “Ash, are you all right? You look like you’re about to pass out.”
He gazed down at her concerned face. Unlike Jordan, Rachel radiated only warmth and compassion. He gave a weak smile. “Yes. Thanks. I, um, don’t like people grabbing me, that’s all.”
She shot him an unreadable look, but then Drew came out of his grandmother’s room, and she left his side to run to her brother.
“How is she, Drew? Is she going to be all right?” Rachel held his arm, and Drew hugged her to him. Ash remembered last night and the feel of Drew’s arms around him. Heat rose in his face.
Drew smiled at Rachel and at all of them as Mike and Jordan, who wisely skirted a wide berth around Ash, joined their small group. “Yes, she’s much better. Her heart remained stable all night, and she’s breathing on her own and is awake and demanding to go home.”
Recovered from his earlier anxiety, Ash chuckled, knowing that sounded exactly like Esther. Drew caught his eye and grinned, then took Rachel by the hand. “Come, Rach, we can see her together now. She says she remembers what happened.” He took a few steps, then stopped and turned around. “Jordan, could you call Keith? I’d like for him to hear what she has to say.”
Jordan nodded and immediately pulled out his cell phone to call his detective boyfriend. Begrudgingly Ash admitted Jordan was a good friend to Drew, no matter that he was an arrogant dick. Did it matter if he and Jordan got along? Not really. He knew the man would always be suspicious of him because of his past behavior. Watching Drew through the glass window of the ICU room interacting with his grandmother and sister, Ash wondered how long it would take before he’d screw up or hurt Drew. He didn’t know what it was to care about someone. He’d spent his whole life with a barrier around him—don’t touch, keep away. The only one who’d ever penetrated it was Jacob Frank. Except for last night. Being with Drew had cracked open his shell, and he didn’t like it. The feelings of helplessness and pain rushed in like floodwaters after a rainstorm. He’d spent years making sure he’d locked himself up tight, only to have it all come crashing down with the press of Drew’s mouth on his and the feel of his body underneath him.
It wasn’t part of the plan.
Maybe Jordan was right and it would be better if he disappeared like they all probably wanted, and let the people closest to Drew help him. After all, he was a stranger, like Jordan said, not part of their family. They didn’t need him. With one final look through the glass, he hastened to the elevator, managing to make it inside before the doors slid closed.
As the elevator whooshed downward, he wondered at the emptiness inside him now that he’d left Drew, and the yawning sense of loss, like he’d left something behind he might never be able to find again.