Chapter Eleven

Please… Let Me Try Again

This brings up a question I used to see quite often on the internet: “Does real life interfere with D/s, or does D/s interfere with real life?” Well, it’s now my experience that real life issues such as illness definitely throw a cog in the works of D/s. But there is no reason why I couldn’t have told Master that I was slowly sinking into complete exhaustion and that I no longer had the physical capability to serve him as I had only a few weeks before. I didn’t communicate. I expected him to know exactly how I was feeling day to day, as if he had taken the Develop Your Psychic Abilities course offered in the back of a magazine. (They’re free, you know. Just pay shipping and handling and a processing fee.)

In the bedroom I, of course, remained entirely submissive in the months after my emotional explosion, but that was easy. Sexual submission is a slam-dunk for me. What He wants, He gets. When He wants it, He gets it.

A few months after the outburst, during which I’d resigned my position as his surrendered wife in all but the bedroom, we were on the front porch again, which, as you know, is my favorite place to discuss anything at all with him. I asked him how he felt about us trying again. I knew my part in derailing us, but I wanted to hear his perspective of the whole debacle.

He said he accepted responsibility for his part. He admitted knowing that as the Master, he is responsible for setting the tone of the relationship. He is responsible, ultimately, for maintaining and monitoring.

He said, “After it happened, I just got lazy about it.”

He told me he missed it. He believes that our M/s makes us better spouses, lovers and friends. And yes, he was willing to try again.

I put my slave necklace back on, and I treated Him as if we’d never lost a day in my surrender to Him. I knew of no other way to proceed.

I simply didn’t realize how difficult this path I’d chosen could be for someone wanting to live it every hour of every day. There is, of course, no way to foresee what will be the most difficult types of orders to obey or decisions to adhere to. I didn’t see yet what would most often trip me up, and as time goes by I’m sure I will be faced with more eye-openers in that regard. I hope that by taking submission one day at a time, I will develop a strong submissive core, and a maturity that seems far off and unattainable to me now, but appears so beautiful. But for now, I admit to being too easily blindsided. I have to let myself off the hook for this latest set-back. Master has, and I need to be kinder and more understanding of myself while on this path.