ADVICE ON MARRIAGE MATTERS
1 CORINTHIANS 7:1-16
NASB
1 Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. 3 The husband must [a]fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and [a]come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 But this I say by way of concession, not of command. 7[a]Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that.
8 But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. 9 But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
10 But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not [a]leave her husband 11 (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not [a]divorce his wife.
12 But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not [a]divorce her. 13 And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not [a]send her husband away. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through [a]her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. 15 Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called [a]us [b]to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?
7:3 [a]Lit render 7:5 [a]Lit be 7:7 [a]One early ms reads For 7:10 [a]Lit depart from 7:11 [a]Or leave his wife 7:12 [a]Or leave her 7:13 [a]Or leave her husband 7:14 [a]Lit the brother 7:15 [a]One early ms reads you [b]Lit in
NLT
1 Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations.[*] 2 But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.
5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.
8 So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows —it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. 9 But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.
10 But for those who are married, I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord.[*] A wife must not leave her husband. 11 But if she does leave him, let her remain single or else be reconciled to him. And the husband must not leave his wife.
12 Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a fellow believer[*] has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. 13 And if a believing woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. 14 For the believing wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the believing husband[*] brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. 15 (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife[*] is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you[*] to live in peace.) 16 Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you?
[7:1] Or to live a celibate life; Greek reads It is good for a man not to touch a woman. [7:10] See Matt 5:32; 19:9; Mark 10:11-12; Luke 16:18. [7:12] Greek a brother. [7:14] Greek the brother. [7:15a] Greek the brother or sister. [7:15b] Some manuscripts read us.
Countless dangers threaten both the sanctity and the survival of marriage in today’s generation. From same-sex unions to cohabitation, from domestic abuse to no-fault divorce, from runaway mothers to deadbeat dads —marriage seems to be caught in the crossfire of modern controversies. Political activists, social radicals, religious liberals, and cultural critics all seem to have set their sights on the marriage relationship.
Yet these social, political, and religious forces don’t come close to the number-one enemy of marriage in both the ancient world and in our own: selfishness. The unholy “trinity” of me, myself, and I leave no room for him or her —the “better half” of the marriage relationship. In our ego-driven culture, people have a difficult time grasping (much less valuing and modeling) biblical principles regarding marriage. Yet Scripture often addresses marriage matters, providing timeless wisdom applicable to marriage issues in every generation.
So, as the storm of contemporary controversy surrounds us, let’s look beyond the horizon of dark, ominous clouds. Let’s allow the light of God’s Word to pierce the darkness, leading us to the safe shelter of holiness in the midst of the storm.
— 7:1 —
Paul opens 1 Corinthians 7 with the words, “Now concerning the things about which you wrote.” The Corinthians had written the apostle regarding issues about which there had been questions, controversies, or both. Similar phrases throughout the letter reveal that this chapter on marriage and singleness marks the beginning of his direct replies to matters that greatly concerned the church at Corinth (7:25; 8:1; 12:1; 16:1, 12). Although we don’t have that original letter of correspondence from Corinth to Paul, we can guess what questions they had asked based on the apostle’s responses. The first question had something to do with the value of the single versus the married life: Is it better to get married or to stay single, and how would one go about making such a decision? What an important, practical question!
Paul’s answer in 7:1 is: “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” Here the word “good,” kalos [2570], refers to that which is ideal or preferable, and the phrase translated “to touch a woman” was an ancient idiom for sexual relations.[37] Paul is not admonishing men to avoid sexual relations outside of marriage here. He already dealt with that issue in the previous section. Rather, Paul focuses on whether it is preferable for a man to get married or to remain single.
EXCURSUS: MRS. APOSTLE PAUL?
1 CORINTHIANS 7:8
Several years back, the novel The Da Vinci Code caused a stir when its plotline suggested that Jesus Christ had been married to Mary Magdalene. In response, both liberal and conservative biblical scholars agreed that the idea was the stuff of unbridled (and, I would add, ungodly) imagination. It might have made intriguing fiction, but the idea of a “Mrs. Christ” was simply preposterous.
But what about a “Mrs. Apostle Paul”? Is it plausible (or at least possible) that Paul the apostle had ever been married? Neither the New Testament nor other early Christian literature answers this question conclusively. Scholars who think Paul was once married appeal to two main arguments. First, in Paul’s day, marriage was expected among pious Jews when they reached the age of eighteen. Because Paul zealously upheld the traditions of his people (Acts 22:3; 26:5; Gal. 1:14), it follows that he must have been married earlier in his life. But Jewish bachelors were not unheard of in the first century, especially those who were single for the sake of ministry, like John the Baptizer and Jesus. Perhaps Paul, too, was an exception to the norm. Also, if Paul had been married, why didn’t he mention this when he taught about marriage?
Second, Paul’s power to vote in the Sanhedrin suggests he may have been part of this Jewish judicial body (Acts 26:10), and that position was open only to men who were married and had children. These rules of eligibility, however, weren’t set until late in the first century or early in the second, many years after Paul’s death. Paul’s career, even if it included the Sanhedrin, didn’t require marriage.
Ultimately, the jury is still out on the question of whether there ever was a “Mrs. Apostle Paul” earlier in his life. But one thing is certain: By the time he penned 1 Corinthians between AD 53 and 55, he was single (1 Cor. 7:7), and he remained so to his death.
In order to understand the thrust and context of Paul’s argument, we need to jump ahead to 7:26: “I think then that this is good in view of the present distress, that it is good for a man to remain as he is.” Note that his advice for a man to “remain as he is” —unmarried —applies to a specific time of distress in the life of the Corinthian church. The “present distress” probably refers to persecutions Christians were suffering at the hands of Roman officials. Paul advised that in times of physical hardship, upheaval, or crisis, it would be wiser to stay single to avoid the compounded struggles associated with the recently married life. So, as we step into Paul’s discussion of marriage, we need to realize that he was not in any way disparaging the marriage relationship, nor was he promoting the lifestyle of monks and nuns!
— 7:2-6 —
Although Paul began by granting that the single life might be preferable to the married life, as a realist he understood that not everybody had been called to a life of singleness. In fact, though single men and women may have more time to devote to undistracted ministry (7:35), they also must contend with temptations that lure them away from sexual purity. So, if the temptations toward sexual immorality are too great for a person to lead a pure single life, that individual should marry (7:2). In this counsel, Paul isn’t conveying a low opinion of marriage, as if it is the last alternative after every other attempt at controlling sexual desire has failed.
We need to remember that Paul’s admonition for people to remain as they are isn’t a blanket statement that all single Christians must remain single indefinitely. Paul was answering a specific question in light of specific, distressing circumstances unique to the church in Corinth. However, even if that crisis were to lift, Paul clearly asserted that some Christians are called to a life of singleness, just as some are called to marriage. In essence, Paul was saying, “If you are single, that’s a high, honorable calling. But it is no good trying to live the single life if you are spending every waking hour battling against your uncontrollable sexual desires. Instead, it is better to be married.”
Far from being a puritanical prude, Paul taught that married couples had responsibilities for satisfying each other’s sexual needs. In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 he outlines the duties of husband and wife within marriage. The term translated “duty” (7:3) refers to a “debt” to be paid. The New Testament uses this word in other contexts when referring to settling a bill with an individual or the government (Matt. 18:23-32; Rom. 13:7). Jesus uses the term “fulfill” in Matthew 22:21 when He says, “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s; and to God the things that are God’s.” Applying this imagery to marriage, Paul is saying that husbands and wives must faithfully render to each other what they had promised in their marriage covenants. What was behind this exhortation? Likely some contingent in Corinth reasoned this way: If the single, celibate life dedicated to God was especially virtuous, then perhaps married couples could still be especially spiritual if they lived as if they were not married. This ascetic impulse was misguided (see “Body and Soul,” p. 98).
Since sexual intimacy is so essential in marriage, couples need to ensure that their mates’ physical needs are met. Remembering that their bodies belong to their mates will help (1 Cor. 7:4). Paul says that husbands and wives have authority over each other’s bodies. What a startling image of mutual submission and accountability! Imagine what a marriage would look like if each spouse was always looking out for the interests of the other, all of the time. When one spouse needs or desires the deepest intimacies of love, the other spouse should delight in fulfilling that need.
Paul gives only one exception to this rule: Husbands and wives are to deprive each other only “by agreement,” that is, by mutual consent (7:5). This agreed abstinence for a temporary period of time is meant to have a spiritual purpose: for devoting themselves to prayer. Likely Paul has in mind something like fasting in conjunction with prayer, in which certain physical needs are denied for a set period of time in order to focus fully on consecration or petition to God. It is noteworthy that “fasting” from sexual intimacy is only to last “for a time,” in order to keep Satan from tempting the weak flesh toward immorality outside of marriage. Simply put, we are asking for trouble in our marriages if we deprive our partner of sexual intimacy.
Paul notes that this principle of temporary abstinence as a spiritual discipline is a “concession” (7:6). The Greek word syngnōmē [4774] means “permission to do something.”[38] Paul clarifies that regular sexual intimacy in marriage is to be regarded as the norm, the command. On the other hand, abstaining from sexual relations is only an exception for rare occasions of special seasons of prayer. Paul had to clear up this misunderstanding because those in Corinth, susceptible to misinterpreting Paul’s words (5:10), might have mistaken his concession as the ideal rule to be followed.
— 7:7-9 —
Next Paul returns to the question of whether singleness or marriage is preferable for any given individual. Paul admits that for the sake of the gospel, he would prefer that all people were single, like him. To paraphrase his thought here, it is as if Paul were saying, “If I had my druthers, I would call together a band of men and women who forsook the married life, committed themselves to single-minded devotion to the work of the gospel, and lived in celibate self-control for the rest of their lives.” While Paul modeled that lifestyle, he realized that not all men and women are like him. Not all have the same “gift from God.” Some are gifted with being single, others with marriage (7:7).
For those who have, however, found themselves in an unmarried state, Paul offers a bit of timely advice (7:8). For the “unmarried” condition Paul uses the Greek word agamos [22]. The word can refer to those who have never been married,[39] but elsewhere in 1 Corinthians 7 it refers to those who were formally married but are married no longer (7:11, 34). So, Paul’s advice in these few verses applies to both the never-married and the formerly-married —anybody not in a permanent marriage relationship. This advice also includes “widows,” women whose husbands had passed away. Paul exhorts those in this situation of singleness to remain single, as Paul had chosen to remain single (7:8).
Though the continued single life would be preferable for the sake of a life of undistracted devotion to the service of the Lord (7:32-35), Paul realizes that not all unmarried people have the gift of celibacy. So, for those singles who would be distracted from a life of ministry by the constant battle against burning passions of the flesh, “it is better to marry” (7:9). Not all people are able to dedicate themselves to an unmarried life.
— 7:10-16 —
Paul turns from the unmarried to the married, offering vital advice concerning divorce and remarriage. Whereas the previous instructions addressed the homes of the unmarried, divorced, and widowed, Paul next applies his apostolic wisdom to the fragile and sometimes fractured homes of the unhappily married.
Up front, Paul states the Lord’s ideal for marriage: “that the wife should not leave her husband . . . and that the husband should not divorce his wife” (7:10-11). Paul reminds his readers that this teaching is not his own, but a reiteration of Jesus’ own teaching on the subject of divorce. We find a brief treatment of this teaching in Matthew 5:32, where Jesus said, “Everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” The word translated “unchastity” in Jesus’ teaching is porneia [4202], a broad term for sexual immorality. Later, in Matthew 19, Jesus treated the issue of divorce and remarriage in greater detail: “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality (porneia), and marries another woman commits adultery” (Matt. 19:8-9).
By referring to Jesus’ teaching on this matter, Paul reaffirms the basic biblical principle of marriage: permanency. Mates are to cleave to each other, bond together, become one flesh, building a strong home upon the solid and sure foundation of a stable marriage. Christian couples should not give in to the destruction of divorce, but should do everything in their power to nurture and build their marriage on the ideal of permanency.
Without denying the seriousness of the ideal that marriage should be a lifelong commitment, Paul also acknowledges the reality of our sin-infested world. Even the healthiest marriages have been tainted by the effects of sin, making the ideal of permanency a challenging task. Some marriages become so twisted by the Fall that the ideal is not always upheld. Paul doesn’t shy away from this reality. Instead, he faces it head-on, giving practical guidelines for handling painful and dysfunctional marriages God’s way.
For Christians whose marital bonds have been severed by the sharp edge of sin or selfishness, Paul counsels that the divorced couple either remain unmarried or be reconciled with one another (1 Cor. 7:11). Paul doesn’t indicate the cause of the separation. Perhaps there was abandonment or some other crisis that had led to separation. Perhaps it was simply a case of “irreconcilable differences.” The language seems to suggest mild reasons for leaving, like common marital conflicts rather than serious matters such as unrepentant adultery or overt abuse. Jesus Himself allowed for Christians to marry people other than their former partners when their divorce was caused by sexual immorality (Matt. 19:9).
What about marriage in which only one mate is a believer? Should these unions continue, or should spiritual incompatibility allow for dissolution? Jesus never addressed this issue. Paul, however, provides us with spiritually sound advice based on his God-given apostolic authority. Paul’s phrase “I say, not the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:12) doesn’t mean that he is merely giving his own private opinion on the matter. Rather, he means that his instructions are not based on any former direct command from Christ. Here the Holy Spirit is speaking to new situations through the inspired, prophetic pen of the apostle. With regard to marriages in which one spouse is an unbeliever, Paul says that if the unbelieving spouse is willing to remain in union with the believing partner and accompanying Christian convictions and lifestyle, the believer should not seek separation (7:12-13).
Paul gives sound reasons for keeping such spiritually mixed marriages intact. First, the unsaved spouse is “sanctified,” or placed in a unique relationship of blessing, because of being married to a Christian (7:14). Just as Laban’s household was blessed because of Jacob (Gen. 30:27), and Potiphar’s household was blessed because of Joseph (Gen. 39:5), so non-Christian mates are blessed because of their Christian spouses. One great blessing is the unbeliever’s exposure to the person and message of Jesus Christ through the testimony of the believing spouse, keeping open the possibility of salvation (1 Cor. 7:16).
Second, when a Christian spouse stays with the willing non-Christian partner, the children also benefit. Children raised in a mixed home have greater opportunity to see the love of Christ exhibited in the believing parent’s life than those who must live with the consequences of a broken home.
Clearly, Paul valued a believer’s faithfulness to the marriage vow as the ideal, but Paul also knew that in our fallen world, unbelieving spouses don’t always endure in that union. What happens when the non-Christian spouse divorces the Christian mate, contrary to the believer’s wishes? Rather than fight the breakup, Paul instructs the innocent, believing spouse to “let him leave” (7:15). In such cases, the Christian is the victim of a willful desertion and is, therefore, “not under bondage.” In other words, the child of God is no longer bound to that marriage relationship. That believer then falls into the category of the “unmarried” person (7:8) —free to marry a fellow believer “in the Lord” (7:39), but urged to remain single for the sake of an undistracted ministry.
APPLICATION: 1 CORINTHIANS 7:1-16
Working through Quittin’ Time
In a departure from the traditional family values I grew up with decades ago, many in our modern culture would call it quits on jobs, churches, contracts and, yes, marriage, rather than work through the tough times and strive for the ideal: commitment through good times and bad. I could bore you with endless statistics, facts, and figures, but instead let me just state the reality of our times: What was once not even an option is now standard operating procedure. Retaining the option to “turn off” one’s marital vows has now been in vogue for an entire generation, and we are witnessing its tragic effects on families, children, churches, and society.
In light of Paul’s clear encouragement to remain married except for extreme circumstances, let’s consider committing ourselves to the countercultural —but thoroughly Christian —response to marital problems. Let’s commit to working through . . . regardless! Let me remind you that any achievement worth remembering is stained with the blood of diligence and determination while etched with the scars of disappointment. With few exceptions, to run, to quit, to escape, even to hide, will not solve what led to the conflict and separation.
So, are you facing seemingly insurmountable marriage difficulties today? Or enduring the long, slow simmer of a relationship that looks fine on the outside but is eroding within? Have you been tempted to drop out, give up, run away? Let me encourage you to give it a second or third thought. It’s my observation that in many cases, couples call it quits long before they reach any sort of biblical grounds for separation or divorce. Irreconcilable differences, personal happiness, and “I just don’t love you anymore” aren’t biblical reasons for divorce. Yet these too often become the grounds for retreat when Scripture exhorts us to continue to fight the good fight.
If you’re thinking about throwing in the towel, don’t (unless, of course, there are abuses that endanger you and/or your children). Stand still. Refuse to retreat. Look at the situation as God looks at it and draw upon His power to hold up under the blast. For sure, this calls for determination and great patience. Nobody ever said the Christian life was easy. And marriage, even for Christians, can produce the most difficult challenges in one’s life. Yet God promises His sustaining grace and powerful presence through the trials and troubles we encounter.
As you stop to take stock and recommit yourself to “working through quittin’ time,” turn to Scripture as your guide. Let it renew your mind, alter your attitudes, and light your path. Besides 1 Corinthians 7, the Bible provides at least five crucial passages on the vital issues of marriage, separation, divorce, and remarriage. Take time to dig into them so you can better understand God’s mind on these matters. Note the things that God repeats, emphasizes, commands, and permits. Become an informed adult who has made a serious study of Holy Scripture. Then adjust your own thoughts, emotions, and actions accordingly.
Genesis 2:18-25
Deuteronomy 24:1-4
Matthew 19:3-12
Ephesians 5:22-33
1 Peter 3:1-7