Why men turn off
after turning on

Love is what is left in a relationship after
all the selfishness is taken out.

—Nick Richardson

Well, what’s this all about?

Such a common call, if not the most common call amongst you bunch of soft boys.

“He’d tried to date me forever. I finally went out with him a couple of times; we ended up in the sack and now he hasn’t called me. What a dickhead!”

Yes, he is, but why? Maybe he’s a normal man? Did you talk about a relationship? You see, if we date you and get you in the sack; in other words if we date you properly as in not just two or three dates, more like a month and, in that month, try and fit in as many dates as possible with you, then blokes aren’t going to want to throw away the huge effort they have put into dating you.

Think of it this way. I date you three times this week and we end up snogging for real and playing hide the sausage. It’s not much of an effort is it? It just becomes a conquest if we are not that into you. And by the way, how can we be ‘into you’ in a week. We don’t know you. You don’t know us, and yet you are willing to have our gummy goo whitewash your insides. It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t mean to say that sometimes there isn’t a chemistry that both sides will feel from the start, but generally both parties don’t really have a clue about how it will go or how it will end up.

I have had an experience where I met someone I had known for 40 years and secretly been in love with for 30 of those years. I wasn’t able to control myself being next to her anytime we were at the same ‘get together’ over the years. She was the cousin of my greatest and most beautiful female friend. But as we grew up and I saw her at functions I would literally melt and, to counter it, I would be nowhere near her whenever we were in each other’s presence. I would have to walk away after the polite kiss on the cheek, as I knew anyone who knew me would have seen the tell-tale signs of an infatuation.

Moving right along, we ended up catching up with each other when we were both single at one stage. The infatuation was mutual but we both knew there was more at stake than just us meeting. There was history, and history from both our family and friends needed to be protected. We didn’t get involved in the wild thing, which was fortunate, (or maybe unfortunate), because it only lasted two weeks. Yes, two weeks of not being able to keep our hands off each other and yet not taking the extra leap into Wild Coyote Canyon. Gee whiz, you wait 30 years and you still don’t get laid. But, it’s a good thing. We are now able to talk about things we weren’t able to at the time we were going through our snogging/holding hand stage. I was going through a stage in my life that was undoubtedly the worst time of my life, was still in love with the Goddess and it would not have been fair on either party. So there you go, taking your time to go full ahead Captain can have its advantages.

So, working for that final pleasurable moment but not getting there may have advantages, even if it wasn’t planned that way. It could just make the difference when it finally comes down to what you want to find for life. Don’t listen to any bullshit about how he loves you, would never do this, never do that. If you don’t stick to your guns on this one you are being fucked over or about to be fucked over at some stage soon.

I read something recently that if a couple do the wild thing within the first two weeks of their relationship the relationship has very little chance of success. Don’t ask me where I read it because I don’t read crappy mags looking for ideas. I can only assume that wherever it was that I read it, the source was a reliable source and a trusted opinion.

Personally I’d go further than that. I think it’s more like a month. The reason I say this is that two weeks just isn’t long enough for blokes. A month with no relief for the donkey imposter is taking things into the realms of pain. By the way, don’t give the bloke a time or date on this, just play it by ear and wait for the right moment. If during this time he shows signs of irritation and being annoyed, then you have probably made the right decision in not bonking his lights out. The point of not setting a time on this is also about not letting him work toward a date in time. If he knows the date then this may cause his ego to catch up with him, and he will, without doubt, wait just to have another conquest under his belt. Again beware the man with too much ego.

This will also teach blokes they have to have more respect for the woman they are courting. The result is you will have the respect you so rightly deserve. You see, one month or longer and he hasn’t emptied the ball sack will make him think twice about the consequences if the next woman isn’t willing to do some horizontal folk dancing straight away. Well, you now have a chance of showing your man your fortitude and how you are making him, without him knowing it, into a better man.

So there you go. We chase you and chase you. We finally get you, lay you out before us in your unclad beauty, have our wicked way with you … then dump you.

Want to attract a man and keep him?

Let him wait for the inevitable sexual encounter but don’t let him know when it will happen. Don’t let him trick you by being cornered into having chimpanzee swinging from the chandeliers.

Start teaching him covertly, even at the very start, before the sex starts, how to be a better, successful and spirited man. Do this and you will become the centre of attention for your man. Being the centre of his attention is what you are all about. You know that. You need to grasp this with both hands and hold on tight. If you are the centre of attention for your man, then that first bedroom dance will be so much better. He will be revved up so much it will be like a milk truck hitting a tree at 200 kph. But there is more to it. You will also become the centre of attention amongst everyone that knows you.

If you improve this man, then all the other blokes will be looking at you and asking the question: what special qualities and insights do you have that could turn this mere mortal, this insignificant, short-arse, pee wee dick mate of theirs, into something they have never seen before? Why is he walking around portraying himself as a man with such a superior air of confidence? Is she that good in the sack? What does she have that the rest of these juicy bits hanging around the bar with us don’t have? He won’t say anything about her even in private, except to say she’s just a great chick in every way and he really likes being with her. No trade secrets from the man will make you hotter than the children of Aniston, Pitt, Clooney, and Jolie all wrapped up in one.

Mind boggling or what?

I keep coming back to you girls being in control and I can’t say it enough.

Be in control, but be in control with kindness. Make us feel special even though we aren’t. You see kindness is the gentle side of you that you use as a sucker punch. It makes us want to be with you even more. If your kindness is not impressive for a man, then I think it’s time you found another alpha male, but one with a soul. Not good long-term is it?

If you don’t show us kindness, then no penis for you any time you want it. No loving affection that is truly heartfelt, sincere, warm and with true adoration. You see we kneel before the Goddess of Love, you, sometimes for the right reasons, and then sometimes because you happen to be standing up in the shower, and yes, we feel the same when you kneel before us — anywhere.

Now what if you make the bloke wait this period only to find out that once you get under the doona, he’s no good in the sack? Well I had this discussion with a female friend of mine I have known for years. She met a bloke who I think is a truly great bloke — smart and good looking. She spoke of their first time having the rumble, (yes in private, not in front of him). When they finished, she looked at him in the nicest way and said, “Darling if that’s as good as it gets then we have a problem”. He looked at her despondently and asked what he was doing wrong. She responded that he wasn’t doing anything wrong. It’s just that there are certain things she prefers and went on to discuss them. After a short period of time all was good and now they have that wonderful fulfilling sex life. By the way, according to him the sex has never been better either. Girls like different things in the sack. You are not all the same and we need sometimes, I mean rarely, I mean very rarely, even so rare it’s rare on rare, to be told what you like.

How was I to know you were just getting the cheese off the bottom shelf of the fridge?

You also need to have to a look at history with us as well. If a bloke has come out of a bad relationship, there isn’t a chance in hell he’s going to hit it on the button first time around. He can’t. He’s been emotionally torn and probably not used to what’s happening. Additionally, she is probably too much in control and he is more than likely a bit shell shocked. Guys do need to be in control in the sack, not the other way around. Although it’s pretty good occasionally when you do take control like the time … I won’t go on.

Same thing goes for women. If a woman has come out of a relationship after many years, she is only used to that one person and a different person may not immediately be the answer to her rainforest-like lonely loins. She has already trained the bloke before and now she has to train the new bloke.

So, in answer to the ‘Riddle of the Sands’, you just had this bloke wait a month and now you are about to do the wild thing for the first time. So, how do you do it? Well you could take the easy option. First time around make sure the pair of you are drunk as 10 monkeys and then if it’s no good, you can always say next time you will be sober and it will be better. Best to start at a low point and move upward — always. Or is it the other way around?

Or, you could get the inevitable answer well beforehand.

Don’t you already know, the same way we already know, how it’s going to go in the sack? I thought I did but I have been wrong once. I can pretty much guarantee if a girl doesn’t know how to kiss me and tease my chops, we are going to have a few problems in the sack. It doesn’t mean to say that everyone suits everyone because some girls and some guys, (apparently), really know how to kiss, but if when you kiss someone a few times and it doesn’t seem to be working then guess what, there is a chance when you hit the sack it may have the effect of using a rope to play snooker. He just won’t be able to get it hard enough to stoke the holy fire. We want girls who are into us, girls who look at us in the eye and say inwardly, “you have potential”. So the next time you kiss a bloke, check out how he is responding to you as well. As the saying goes, “Is that a lump in your pants or are you just glad to kiss me?”

Kiss with love and true unrequited passion and your sex will be good. If you’ve been kissing this bloke for a few weeks but you haven’t done the wild thing thus far, he is respecting your decision to wait and if his only reaction after kissing you is, “I’m going now”, as opposed to, “Fuck, I think I really had better go”, then you know it’s not working and all will not be fine.

What is it about kissing anyway? Well, blokes love to kiss and have fun doing it because we are always wanting to give you something. I reckon there a number of types of kisses we can get and give.

There is the kiss on the cheek that’s for mums, daughters and mate’s wives.

Then there is the kiss on the cheek, which can be one of the greatest gifts us men can receive. You see the kiss on the cheek is the ‘love kiss’ to us, because when you kiss us on the cheek there is no gain for you except the act of giving. It’s pure and we love it because we love to be loved.

Now what about the little kiss on the lips? It’s more like we have to if we are together in a relationship but why bother. I’d rather a quick kiss on the lips, a longer kiss on the cheek and a big cuddle followed by a kiss on the neck. Now that’s a kiss hello. So do it and watch the response your man gives you.

Then there is the big tongue kiss, which is a bit like mining diamonds sometimes. This is only reserved for the bedroom. If you are doing it in public you are wasting energy, and men don’t like wasting energy before going 10 rounds with the love machine.

So kissing is important to us, it gives us an indication of how into us you are. Kiss us with unrequited passion and we know what it’s going to be like in the sack.

You have already read enough on kissing so there you go … you just got a second round of it.

They say that a good cook can ignite sparks by the way he kisses. The way I see, just because a guy can turn on the stove doesn’t necessarily make him a good cook.

—Stephanie Powers