I need space

The heart may think it knows better: the senses know that absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends.
The friend becomes a traitor by breaking, however unwillingly or sadly, out of our own zone: a hard judgment is passed on him,
for all the pleas of the heart.

—Elizabeth Bowen

So when a man says to you “I need some space”, what do you think?

Well, I’ll just let you know where the truth lays — what a load of crap!

When girls tell their boyfriends or even husbands that they need space, they actually need space. Yes, we smother you and that’s our job to smother you and our prerogative by the way. If we didn’t smother you you’d be calling us inattentive, self-centred and just not caring enough.

All I know is when you say you want some ‘space’ it’s actually true because you need some space. Certainly, as we get older and a lot of couples go down the separation and divorce path, the major responsibility of raising kids is generally thrown on to the divorced woman and it’s difficult for them. They really don’t have the spare time we men do.

If only you could just say after two days, “I love you, why don’t we just move in together, then, in the morning you can get the kids off to school. By the way I’d like to introduce you to my kids. This is Jesse she’s in year 3 …”

“Mum, I’m in year 4, Kimmy is in Year 3”.

“Oh yes, whatever, where is Kim anyway? There she is over there. You just need to know she has a small problem coping and adapting with the separation. She hasn’t spoken to anyone in 18 months now, but I’m sure she will take to you like the Child Support Agency takes to my ex-husband.”

Men and women know that if you were to take us on too early, the big problem you may have is the kids don’t like us, the sex will be about as good as putting a square peg in a round hole, (or a round peg in a square hole), there really isn’t anywhere to put our clothes in the new abode since the cupboard previously occupied by the ex-husband’s clothes is now full of your new shoes and, since there is you, two daughters and only one bathroom, she is asking if it’s OK if you shower at the office. Oh and by the way, we can’t have sex ever whilst the girls are in the house so I’m afraid it’s limited to every second weekend when they go to their dads. That said, if we are caught in bed because one of girls wakes up in the middle of the night, pretend you just rang me because I wanted a cuddle and now you should be going home. We also need to keep a spare blanket in the car. Then finally she quips, “Oh and one more thing, what’s your last name?”

Different story when we say we want space. Sometimes we say it and mean it. “I need some space please darling because my arse won’t fit in the bucket seat anymore. In actual fact it’s a lot of space … like permanent space.” If you do find one of these blokes recommend him to one of your girlfriends you need to get back at for stealing one of your boyfriends previously.

Under normal circumstances if he hasn’t been a great bloke through the relationship you won’t recommend him anyway, but if he has the balls to break up in a man’s way, at least after the dust settles you won’t see him for being some gutless sea urchin hiding behind the bullshit.

So if a bloke comes to you and says, “I need some space”, it will usually be followed with, “My mum’s sick and she needs me”. Or “I have a lot of work on right now and I need to get this promotion”. Or “I have to go overseas for a while and I don’t think its fair I hold you back from getting on with your life”. Or maybe, “My children need more of me for a while, so I just need to focus on them”. Or even, “I have just found out that those scabs you noticed are a highly infectious penile disease and I think you had better go the chemist and get some anti-fungal cream. I’ve been ordered to stay inside for a month and not have contact with anyone”. Or possibly, “We cannot stay together because you are far too good at giving me headies and without doubt you are going to ruin me for the rest of my life”.

Her reply to any of these lame comments could be anything from, “Your mum died three years ago, you don’t have a job or a passport, or, for that matter any kids. Those scabs are from you masturbating over porn. As for the head jobs, I believe you.”

So, what is the truth? If a guy says he needs space, he does — permanently. Tell him once he tells you this he is a lame arse bullshit artist who doesn’t have the balls to break up with you in an appropriate way. Tell him to go grab a length of hose, stick it where it fits appropriately, grab a tobacco pipe and start blowing smoke up his own arse not yours. Alternatively, just use two words, “fuck off”.

There is nothing good about a break up. There is no good way to do it. I do know from experience if you are going to break up with someone then once it is done, either hold their hands for months through the experience, or cut the contact completely to help the other person adjust.

Again, if we all select correctly and you girls train us to stay with you, there shouldn’t be any problems. Now I’m sounding like the greatest bullshit artist of all time but just bear with me if you can.

So if a guy needs space there are a few things that have happened to him very recently. He has either met someone else and wants to give them a rogering; maybe he has already rogered them and thinks rogering them is better than rogering you; or, they’re sick of rogering you.

Guys don’t need space as we already have it. We have space when we go to work. We have space for ourselves when we go to sport. We have space when we go to the gym, for a surf, to the pub. In fact we have space all the time. Women have less space for themselves and so sometimes do need to find the occasional bit of solitude or time with a girlfriend.

Then there is the, “It’s not you, it’s me”. We’ve all used it but now, since you know it’s a lame arse bunch of words, you can say, “Fuck you lame arse”, whenever a guy says it to you. Why? Because it’s true! They must be the weakest words anyone could use and yes, I admit guilt on my part as well. The fact is you shouldn’t accept it anymore and if someone does use it, you are better off without them because they are lame arses, the same way I was.

Maybe others can grow the way I have. I truly hope so.

It’s life, but it’s so unfair on women. I’m surely going to be hung for this one by men everywhere, but it’s true. Women are the support mechanism for the kids after any breakup (usually, or at least nine times out of ten). The fact is we become quite useless as the mother tends to have a lot more contact. The result is women then get far less time to get on with a life for themselves. It generally takes a pretty special bloke to accept your billy lids when they are young. I guess from what I have seen, blokes tend to accept them completely as they know it’s part of life and your kids are part of you. Men tend just to think they are an adjunct to you and more a sex inhibitor than being little people you love and are your life.

So, just maybe it is important men be taught that when you say you need space it should be acknowledged. You are tired from constant single mother care, working long hours to make ends meet, struggling with an ex who in most cases is just a lame arse philanderer, getting the kids to adjust to life without a dipstick and then dreaming, yes dreaming there is some giant pot of gold at the end of an imaginary rainbow, when in actual fact it’s still pissing down rain and your umbrella has a hole in it.

You women really are amazing and, then to top it off, you have to continue to keep yourself in tiptop shape so you don’t look like a pie-eating peasant farmer’s wife whose idea of dressing up for night is to tie a clean apron around your waist.

It’s not easy for women. Women and blokes need to tell men it isn’t easy so they understand; tell men it’s difficult for women to have a normal life and, what they are seeing in you is a woman of fortitude, one who is there with love for her children and family. Tell him he must understand these children you have borne are the essence of you, the one thing you have in your life that you have and no one else does. Tell him your children are, in reality, the only people in the world you know who will stand by your side for the rest of your life and, as such, you must protect with all your heart and gusto.

Tell him because men just don’t understand this. Men think because they already have comfort in their mates at the pub who are always there for him with a cold beer and a slap on the shoulder. Maybe we could write a beautiful article and publish it in Cosmo magazine, “Pub Love: What Your Man Really Does After 8 Pints”, or “Pub Love: You Know Your Left Testicle is Falling Out the Side of Your Stubbies”, or “Pub Love: I Love You Mate”.

By the way blokes will know this so if your man doesn’t know this then he is exactly that — just a man. Find blokes girls. Your decision to look for a bloke rather than just a man is the difference between happiness and a frown in your forehead the Colorado River would find too deep.

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow,
you gotta put up with the rain.

—Dolly Parton