Men and affairs

When you sleep with a married man … you are a sorry excuse for a woman. Stop being comfortable being the other woman,
get yourself another man.

—Unknown

There is a subject that has always irked me and it’s how woman carry on about men having affairs. I’ve always thought and I will continue to believe, that the majority of men having affairs are actually having these affairs with women. Strange but true, men are having affairs with women, not men … well sometimes they may be with men, (happened to a great mate of mine … welcome to Bangkok, love you long time, you so strong, you take me home, I good girl, I make you happy, I no send money home, I love you long, long time).

There have been numerous public affairs adorning the tabloids, magazines and television stations over the decades. A couple of big ones of modern times included Charles and Camilla, Bill and Monica … and that’s before we hit the Hollywood scene.

In fact affairs are something Hollywood has survived on and a lot longer than you think. One of the first great movies that went ballistic worldwide was the story based on Tennyson’s, Charge of the Light Brigade. This was an old Errol Flynn movie in which Errol and his brother are soldiers in India during the Crimean War of the mid 1850s. The movie was produced in 1936 so we’re talking about one of the first great movies. In the movie Flynn is engaged to be married to a very good sort in Olivia de Havilland but whilst he is away on duty as an officer in the 27th Lancers, little hussy Olivia falls in love with Errol’s brother. The affair comes out in the open and she marries the brother whilst all you could ever see on Errol’s face was a sigh of relief. In Casablanca, one of the most recognised of all movies, Bogart kisses another man’s wife only for the audience to find out they’d been playing hide the sausage during a fling in Paris some years earlier. Well, by today’s standard it’s nothing. There was no bonking but they did kiss on screen. So there you have it, movie affairs have been around since the early days of Hollywood.

I have been very naïve in my past. I never believed people truly had affairs. Fact is, I never thought about it until one day when I was in my twenties I found out a girlfriend of my wife was having an affair with a married guy. Me, well I was shocked, and it certainly changed my outlook on women from one of total faith to somewhat semi-jaded.

For you married women out there who suspect your man or your girlfriend’s man may be having an affair, well, he probably is. Which woman is it and how many of your friends could this be happening to. Yes that’s right, if your man is having an affair you probably know anyway. But who is it? Who is this little hussy whom you’d like to scratch the eyes out of, pull her hair ’til it falls out, and expose publicly, and generally make sure everyone you know is made aware that this bitch is the one sucking on your man’s sausage.

You see, even though you met your husband when you were his secretary and he was married at the time, it doesn’t give anyone else the right to move in on the man you stole fair and square from some other bitch.

You girls truly are incredible!

Men have this uncontrollable urge to dip the wick and must learn to control it. If your man is an out of control drunk, then don’t be surprised this uncontrollable urge will be forthcoming once he is under the influence. By the way you do know that if he is into manufactured alternatives, then you really are on a rocky road. Once he tries the new fruit he may just go back for more.

It’s similar to the notion you’ve been eating apples all your life and someone introduces a plum. It’s similar, but it has another edge to it and we like it. People generally like a bit of change.

The grog monster is a really dangerous problem.

So many things can happen when men are under the influence of grog or drugs. In general it’s pretty clear you should try and keep away from most men who don’t have control over themselves.

So when the grog monster is involved we all know it’s going to be very dangerous for your relationship. Oh and by the way, this can go both ways. It just doesn’t happen with men, women are just as bad. I would also like to point out that when I talk about the grog monster it doesn’t just mean alcohol. There are a lot of drugs around these days and they are more accessible than what I ever believed. Drugs are a real fuck up. If only everyone knew that cocaine, the choice of drug for the wealthy, really fucks guys up. The manufacturers of Viagra are laughing their tits off because cocaine will eventually, and sooner than you think, make sure your man’s chubby stays pointing to the floor, screaming like a knock-out in a boxing match, “I can’t get up”, and this will happen a lot earlier in his life. So if your man is a ‘coke-head’, he will be losing his manhood very early (medically proven by the way).

I don’t understand why cocaine is so popular when you consider the amount of innocent people who are murdered around the world just to supply a bunch of dimwits some temporary joy. Every day people are murdered just to get this crap on the streets. I digress, but do the world a favour … if a new man or your man is into manufactured alternatives, get rid of him. He is just a piece of shit anyway and is guaranteed to be a total loser in life eventually … not to mention the only stiffy he will ever see again will be in an open casket.

Remember, if married men are having affairs, a lot of the time you single women out there actually know when the men are attached, whether it be partner or marriage. Weird thing is you don’t check on the facts … especially the bar trash at some of the more upmarket hotels. It just shows both sides of the gene pool how pathetic we all are … time for everyone to improve.

So what I’m saying is yes, we men are shockers and we do have affairs, but they are with women, some single, some married. It takes two to tango so we don’t want to hear it anymore. No more of your bloody whining about blokes having affairs. You girls are just as guilty or worse. You are the ones capable of controlling your urges … you are better than us. Our ball sacks will start hurting and trying to rip a hole through our fruit sack after a few days of not sending the astronauts in space.

So there needs to be at least one real secret fact in this chapter. So I will tell you a little fact that some men live by. When asked by mates what sort of women some men prefer, they will actually say married women. No complications, just sex, no morals involved because no one has any. Someone I know well is exactly this. He has two regulars every week who call down to his place during the day. They drive into his building where he parks their cars unseen, they cruise up, wham bam, bob’s your uncle, walk out some hours later, then he goes back to work. So yes we are shockers … and so are you.

As the conversation goes with a man sitting down for his first drink at a hotel he is staying at for business. The scene is set. He doesn’t move his eyes along the bar to see who is sitting there or sitting anywhere for that matter. He already scanned the room when he walked in and knows who is where, who is single and who is a possibility.

Predator: What’s your best champagne mate?

Barman: Legopener, it’s been around since the roaring 20s and it’s still one of the favourites around here.

Predator: Just one glass thanks.

The scene: Predator spots his mark, the ring is off the finger but the white mark is left, or at the very least the indentation. The predator looks at the girl he has marked and gives her a small salute. She responds with a smile. Predator asks barman to send a glass of Legopener to the prey. Predator then waits. He never looks at her for any reason. Eventually it gets the better of her and she has to come and say thank you.

Prey: Thanks for champagne, it’s my favourite.

Predator: It’s my pleasure. It’s always good to put a smile on a pretty girl’s face.

Prey: So what’s your story?

Predator: I’m just travelling. One of my companies needed some fine tuning after I sacked the CEO three months ago and I have to fix up the mess he left. At least whilst I’m here I get to drive the Ferrari I bought him. I may take it home with me as a spare or to give to one of my 50,000 employees. I won’t decide right now because I have to try and divide my time between this and driving in the Monte Carlo Grand Prix next week. It’s a real bother with everyone after my time, especially now that I won the ballot to be the first race car driver into space on the next lunar trip.

Prey: You are a driver and an astronaut?

Predator: Yes, I thought you knew.

Prey: Yes, I thought I recognised you.

Predator: I’m really tired and should be hitting the sack. Would you like to join me for a nightcap before turning in?

Prey: Just one, yes.

It’s not hard to see through you bunch of femme fatales but, if you believe anything a bloke says in a bar, then the rocks in your tiny little heads are real, and the only rocks we are interested in getting fixed are the rocks that hang down low … and not off your wedding ring finger.

Men were born to exaggerate. Why let the exact truth get in the way of a great story. Twelve inches is really the size of a pencil. I’m six foot five (five foot six); I have a ski lodge in Kitzbuhel (my mate owns a pair of skis); my parents are Rockefellers (my parents are rock dwellers); I’m a race car driver (I own a Scalextric set); my middle name is Einstein (my parents couldn’t even get one name right let alone two); did you notice the enormous bulge in my pants? (my colostomy bag is full).

So as I’m trying to get a point across, can you bunch stop tormenting and teasing us mere prehistoric rock heads and dividing families and relationships? I’m not saying we don’t have anything to do with it, but all the blokes in the world won’t be reading this, just you.

Don’t be tempted by the power-hungry bloke in his astronaut suit throwing some bullshit line at you. You are so much better than that.

Live up to standards your father would have you to live up to. Don’t steal a man, find one yourself, don’t seduce some poor unwitting bastard and possibly destroy the lives of more than just one man, but his wife, his woman, the one he devoted his heart to, and their children.

So what are the outcomes for married men and women having affairs with other married men and women or single predators? On a positive note we get more sex and more sex for men means we are lowering the risk associated with prostate cancer. Just kidding, the problem with affairs is it creates the difference in that one partner is getting more sex than the other, so therefore someone is missing out … unless both of them are at it.

On the down side there may be a few more things to consider. First and foremost is the obvious factor that you are breaking someone’s heart. Not that we haven’t already discussed this but that hurts. Moving right along, children are not going to have both their parents around together, which means we are now prepared to not just inflict pain on our partners, but we are so disgracefully low we are willing to inflict pain on our children. Then there is the financial battle both parties will have to endure, a change of location for one parent and availability of less money to provide for the kids. Then there is the psychological scarring but who cares about that — you can’t see the scarring — totally untrue, it’s in their eyes. Then just to top it off we have the division of friends after the break-up, the sadness our friends also have to endure to get us through the pain and agony and, furthermore, the stigma we earn for our parents who have to live with the knowledge that maybe they just didn’t bring us up well enough; let alone the pain they will also go through.

I did say there was one upside … we should have just stuck to that.

So I guess there are no real upsides to affairs. Well, that is, of course if you are not concerned with inflicting pain on others.

Hopefully one day we can all grow up and help rather than hinder the minds of the human race.

I’m not a moralist or into judging people as we are all flawed to some degree, but I believe it’s about time we elevated ourselves on the benefits of taking some moral high ground.

Affairs have hurt so many people. We are already facing enough crises around the world on real life threatening situations. Our own personal greed is a small price to pay to just try and make the world we have a less hurtful one.

… here she is all mine, trying her best to give me all she can.
How could I ever hurt her? But I didn’t understand then.
That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover.
That a person can, just by living, damage another person
beyond repair.

—Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun