The truth about blow jobs
(and I’m not a hairdresser)

Adam: C’mon give me a little BJ! Up and down a couple of times, you’ve done it, it’s easy.

Samantha: Easy? You men have no idea what we are dealing
with down there. Teeth placement and jaw stress and suction and gag reflex. And all the whole time bobbing up and down,
moaning, and trying to breathe through our noses.
Easy? Honey, they don’t call it a ‘job’ for nothing.

—Sex in the City

Someone once asked me to describe the worst head job I had ever had. I replied quite simply — “fucking fantastic”. I am also questioning whether I should be placing this chapter before or after a chapter on kissing. I’m quite certain I will be told eventually.

It is also said that oral sex is the best cure for depression and, whilst I’m not feeling sad, I will try and get there. Now, since men prefer not to disclose they are depressed — if you believe your man is feeling a little down, go down. I’m almost positive it works for women as well to help with any depression you may have (I can only but try).

So we are discussing the age old Roman tradition of giving head, blowies, blow jobs, knobbings, the big ol’ sausage suck, oral sex, a BJ, which all by the way are good for blokes. And it is without any doubt true it will help clear up pimples and blemishes you may have. But of course this will only work if applied correctly.

I will give you one tip, and don’t mean that tip, if you didn’t know this, blokes do like headies. Now that you know this simple fact I had better tell you why we like them, why we talk about them and why we will sometimes tell our mates if you are good on the knob or if we need to take a packet of band aids each time we go to bed.

By the way girls, you should not be thinking that bed is the best place for us to get a knobbing. We like them anywhere and anytime — when we are driving is good, when we are watching television is good, even when we are having a shower is also good. When we are having a beer with our mates or riding a horse it is not good and, it’s definitely not good when we are watching football on television. Most other programmes are OK, but sport — no. (Female Russian tennis players may be the exception … oh and female Olympic swimming … oh and umm, well, the beach volleyball thing).

You see the wonderful thing about us blokes getting a blowjob is that it means you are prepared to wrap your mouth around our beast, and that’s pretty cool, considering this is what we piss out of.

We also have these two little sacks, two nuts, these two low hanging fruit, the two veg below the meat, that manufacture a liquid salt that makes soya sauce taste, and you say that tastes OK. God love you for saying the right thing because if you at least can’t pretend to like it, then our reaction is to believe you are saying you don’t like us enough to swallow the mustard, or at the very least, you don’t give a shit about making us happy. We like blow jobs. It means you are into us. But are blow jobs the best sex act for us when it comes to having a romp under the covers? Read on sugared lips …

We know sore jaws can sometimes come as part of the pact for blow jobs, but done right and you won’t be sucking on the sausage machine for anything more than 60 seconds. Look at it this way. Imagine a bloke getting you in the sack and he decides there’s not going to be any kissing, he wants to go in dry! As you can imagine this just doesn’t work for women and, by the way, it’s not too comfortable for us men either losing a layer of the love skin. It’s the same with men; we don’t want the blue vein mutton gun hauled before the mincing machine straight away. We love being teased, played with, and even tormented down there before you do your best work. As for being totally into getting blow jobs, remember men are the ones who like to give. We are the ones who get the happiness by making you happy. So we don’t need a blow job every time we want to play hide the sausage — it’s a treat for men just like a dog gets a treat. Too much of a good thing can only make Jack a dulled boy.

So a quick insight into willy vs. willy. Men want sex, its bloody normal, (not always for long periods of time), but we do want sex. The problem with sex is eventually we realise that relationships based just on sex can never work … they can’t, well not for the long-term anyway.

So are blow jobs overrated? Just maybe they are a bit. I know I’m in deep shit with every bloke in the world about this but who cares; they aren’t reading the book anyway.

Just to qualify this, blow jobs certainly aren’t bad, they just aren’t the best thing there is. Even when you can find someone who can go down all the way, yes the good old fashioned Xavier Hollander ‘Deep Throat’, it’s still not as good to us as us making you happy on the happy stick. Yes that’s right, making you, our higher order, pedestal propped, complicated goddesses happy is more important than anything to us.

As an example, our munching on your Garden of Eden is not only fun, exciting and exploratory, but it is very rewarding. Sometimes more rewarding than you could ever imagine especially when the reward may be finding the ultimate in love goddesses such as a squirter. And yes, every girl is a potential squirter. Oh oh … l just went over the line, sorry, yeah real sorry, promise I won’t mention squirters anymore, honest, please believe me, no more talk about getting a ‘goo face’ from a girl, no more having to reach for the face cloth to wash our eyes out, no more discussion on what is quite simply the dirtiest and most exciting sexual experience of all time! Sorry, did I mention squirter? Squirter, squirter, squirter! So there I’ve said it.

By the way if you don’t know what a squirter is you had better look it up because theories abound with a lot of men-idiot theories here. Those men that can read will look it up and find out what really happens. Those that cannot read aren’t reading this and therefore will never prove to themselves that what is being squirted in his face is not what they think it is. Let’s leave it at that but just knowing if you are a squirter, then you should explain to your body or face moisturised-ridden partner that it is not urine.

It should be called something. I’m not aware of anyone giving a name to squirter juice or if squirter juice has another name apart from squirter juice so let’s give it a go … let’s make up some names for squirter juice!! How about, well, for starters ‘squirter juice’, ‘goo face goo’, ‘gummy goo’, ‘girly goo’, ‘yummy goo’, ‘squirt bomb goo’, ‘liquid gold’, ‘gushers’ goo’, ‘girly waterfall’, ‘girly squirt’, ‘girly spurt’, ‘vagina lemonade’, ‘leg spread soda pop’. Other names for the females themselves who have found this wonderful sexual sensation could be, ‘knee wetters’, ‘plastic sheeters’, ‘drink and diver drivers’, ‘yummy mummy gummy gooers’, and these are just what I came (!) up with. So we start out talking about what we like about you girls going down on the monster stick and we end up right where we really want you to start thinking about where we are heading … and again I’m sure it’s only for the benefit of you.

Blow jobs are good, but when we find a girl that knows what she’s doing when it comes to squirt control to Major Tom, then these are the girls who truly do rock our socks off. Yes, it can be a bit messy and plastic sheets have been tried but get cold in winter, but this really is sex heaven for us, ummmm, OK it maybe just a little kinky but it is sex heaven. Let’s move on.

So we should really qualify a couple of things here.

I know I’ve said that getting the love from you and sex go together, because to us that’s what really makes us happy, but here I am talking about something that only a percentage of men and women get to experience and yet, this all sounds a little kinky doesn’t it. Well maybe it isn’t. If it’s fun and really good for both parties and, we have achieved our ultimate goal of making you really happy, then there is nothing wrong with it. Just be prepared to have lots of extra sheets in the cupboard, don’t use blankets on the bed just in case, doovers are better because you can clean them easily, and remember to always have plenty of soap powder in the laundry. If you are a total sex machine then you may be changing the sheets more than twice a day. Alternatively use the shower as often as possible.

We love to love, we love to love with authentic, wholesome sex, but we also don’t mind the chandelier-hanging, oh my God-screaming, give me more-dirty talking, vagina-soaked bedwetting sex, where it’s so good you keep the ceiling fans turned off to avoid human secretions being sprayed on passing cars through your bedroom window.

We are still simple beasts.

Did you hear about the US President who went to hell? Well he gets there and the LRB (Little Red Boy — The Devil) says, “Welcome to Hell but I can’t fit you in. We are full up and I know you deserve to be here. In order for you to be able to enter my not-so-pearly gates, someone has to leave. Because of your importance I will let you choose who leaves and then you can come in”. So the president looks around and sees George W. diving into a pool, getting back out again, diving into this pool, getting back out again, diving into this pool, getting back out again, and he thinks, that’s not for me, I hate water. Then he sees Roosevelt way yonder with a sledge hammer smashing rock after rock and he thinks I can’t do that with this shoulder of mine, I’ll be in constant pain. Then he sees Bill Clinton tied down, arms and legs spread with Monica leaning over him. “Ahhh, yes Mr Devil, this is good, this is good, this is the one I want to replace.” “OK,” says the devil and with a devilish look in his eye he screams out, “Hey Monica you can go now”.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception.
I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said, “No”.

—Woody Allen