Man or bloke?

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.

—Neil Gaiman

Now, if you think I haven’t said enough to cop the rough end of a pineapple from a few men out there, then I’d better learn to lean across the table and grip very hard. Gloves with extra strong grip may be the perfect Christmas gift this year.

So what do men think about other men?

Could it be possible men just want other men to be jealous of them, or is it we are just seeking their respect? Is it possible men are so insecure we would rather have other men belittled by making them jealous, or do true mates have respect for each other and jealousy never enters into this equation?

Firstly, let me tell you we don’t think like women — by now you should know that. If you don’t know that then use the chapter on vibrators but don’t listen to anything I said. We don’t get into eye gouging and backstabbing, cat clawing and belittling and, we don’t talk behind a good mate’s back. If we do then often we will talk about the backstabber behind his back and to his face. In fact, we may just be the complete opposite to women when it comes to talking behind our mate’s back. In saying this, I may have found something out about superiority. Whilst I believe women are far superior to men, we have the edge on you when it comes to backstabbing — we just don’t do it the same way women do.

The downside for men is our warring nature. Once at war we stay at war and rarely do we forgive and forget. Our pride is at stake here and pride is the one thing we have that we want to hold onto for the rest of our lives and, no one can take that away from us, except for you. However, if you do decide to take a man’s pride away then be prepared to be seen to be an empty treacherous woman by us. We don’t have a lot to hold onto and pride seems to be one of the few things we cherish and need to keep safe harbour with. And the only way to keep our pride safe is by displaying our pride as a constant reminder to ourselves and everyone else that we are proud of who we are. We display our pride when we stand up for what we think is right and what others think is right. A man who doesn’t stand up for what is right is not a man with pride, he rarely has guts or determination and he certainly has no fortitude. He is just a man, nothing more and possibly far less.

So when at war, we will stay at war — forever. Many times this may be kept secret because pride for two warring males will mean neither will allow themselves to back down just through pure arrogance. Men find it difficult to apologise to other men, especially the longer it goes and certainly if they have been in the wrong. If you’ve ever seen two bulls from different paddocks break through fences to lock horns, then you will know what I’m talking about — they fight to the death.

Our downside sometimes is that the more we help people the more we seem to get screwed over by other men. So again two types of males — the man who is just a man and prepared to screw other men and blokes over, and the bloke, who never screws anyone over. Look for the bloke girls.

So if you ever want to hurt a man, try taking away his pride, (you can’t take pride away from a bloke). Oh and by the way, even with men, good luck — you will need it. It won’t be easy excepting when the man you have has little pride to start with. If he has very little pride to start with then what is that saying about you?

At the end of the day that’s the one thing you will have the greatest difficulty doing. We are far more resilient when our backs are up against the wall.

So what about blokes and men? Well, for a start, if another bloke is a mate then that’s all there is to it. He is a mate and we love him. We never fight, or if we do we make up straight away. If he’s not a mate when we have a stoush, then how we view him from then on is basically ‘that’ swear word I will not use in front of you out of respect. Let’s change the word so we can use it. So from now on ‘that word’ is going to be ‘chop’. So moving on, this bloke that wasn’t really a mate is now just a chop to us, and he will forever be just a chop. Once a chop … always a chop.

Did you know we actually call our mates ‘chops’ as well? For example when a mate is putting on a few pounds we might just say, “Gee whiz mate, you really are turning into a fat little chop”. It becomes a term of endearment. Imagine if a woman said to her bestie, “Gee whiz pluto-pup thighs you are really turning into a fat little chop”. That’s right, the gloves would be off and you would be into each other like the Pied Piper’s rats chewing on some bloke’s arse with haemorrhoids.

We don’t want our mates to fail so we don’t compete against them, we compete with them. If one bloke is really successful and you are his mate, then you will probably be invited onto his new boat, taken to his new ski lodge and be available to pick up the scraps of beautiful, shallow women who are attracted to really rich men. Did I say that? Of course I did, but I didn’t mean it that way; Hugh Hefner’s girls love their old man for the man he is not his money. (Isn’t he just gorgeous in that bathrobe?)

Anyway mates are mates and that’s all there is to it. We adore our mates but we are at war with those that aren’t our mates if there is ever a stoush on.

That’s how we have been reared from birth. We were brought up to fight against those that aren’t our mates and fight together against the common foe with our mates. It’s in the sport we play and when it comes time for us to go into business, we are already prepared for war.

So in a nutshell we love our mates, will protect them at all costs and help them under all circumstances.

Women, well, if I was ever to talk at length about your faults, which are few and far between, then one of them would be the fact you haven’t been brought up in the trenches of war the same as we have, and the resultant factor leads you to not stand by your man sometimes in times of trouble. It used to be for better or worse, richer or poorer. Now it’s more like when you are better and rich. It’s pretty obvious by this stage you know I’m not talking generally as it’s not true of the majority of women. It’s just I see this happening all too often.

However, I also see the other side. Someone, a new mate let’s call him, who came into my life this year, runs a very successful business and his wife is a whirlpool on steroids. Well, I heard his story secondhand. He had a business and a good one at that with a couple of close business partners. For no reason he could fathom, one day he was shafted by his business partners and hung out to dry. He would have walked away, just got on with life and would have stayed poor for a while before rebuilding. His missus however got her back up and went for the business partners’ jugulars with her lawyers, pushing her husband into fighting for what was right. They won; he got the business back minus two chops and is back on top spending most of his time now playing golf. A great story and totally driven by the woman in the relationship. Women can be good mates to their loved ones; in fact they may actually be a man’s greatest mate.

So, when it comes to understanding what men think of other men when they aren’t our mates, we will compete with them. We will challenge them if they are taller, better looking or smarter, wittier or funnier, better hung or younger, more outgoing or happier in general.

Men get their backs up with new bulls in the ring in total contrast to the way women are attracted to new bulls in the ring. You see new bulls in the ring are confrontational to existing bulls in the ring. Smart new bulls that enter the ring tend to make quiet entrances to new groups to gain respect and trust before unleashing their powers. If, in the meantime, this new bull becomes a mate, then the group as a whole becomes more powerful. We do this in business every day, creating a more powerful company by getting better and more powerful people to work with us or for us. It’s the same with the way men build their friend’s network. We often discard men with no fortitude.

I think the animal kingdom teaches us a lot. When we compare men with other life forms we are always saying these men are somehow related to animals. What sort of animal are you lionesses after?

My mates include chimps, gorillas, tigers, lions, swans, dogs, (we talk about dogs but we actually talk about them singularly such as being a Doberman, poodle, bulldog or a bloodhound), donkeys, flamingos and chickens.

I also know of men who are termed snakes, pit bulls, hyenas, pigs, rats, peacocks and cockroaches, but they don’t fall into the mate category.

The point is men think of other men just as men; they can be mates but usually they are just acquaintances. Blokes on the other hand respect their mates. They have a true friendship, will always protect them and never backstab them.

So that’s how men and blokes think about other men and blokes. If your man is a bloke then you need these mates of his so don’t think you don’t. One day it’s these mates of your man that may be the saving grace for you. Good mates of your man will give you immense energy and pride, but they must be men of character, not smart arses who tend never to have girlfriends and who generally never speak about women in a positive way.

If women are to talk about their man’s mates in a negative sense, then as the expression goes, “So help you God”.

There is an old expression about cutting off your nose to spite your face. These mates of your man are his life source as well, so don’t render your man half useless by taking something away from him that he has nurtured for so many years. They will be wonderful to you so you should be wonderful to them.

Take it for what it’s worth. Men love their mates — don’t take them away from him because when push comes to shove, he will eventually just miss them and out of spite, work out how to spend more time with them and yes, you guessed it … less time with you.

I would prefer as friend a good man ignorant than
one more clever who is evil too.

—Euripides