Bring on the empty horses

A man can sleep around, no questions asked,
but if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes she’s a tramp.

—Joan Rivers

Just so you are aware, I firmly believe most relationships come out of the blue. No, they all won’t jump out of a wooden horse and scream, “check out my arse, pick me”, most happen by accident or through your friends.

So, here we have a chapter devoted to where you are going to find your man if you take yourself out of the cupboard and off the coat hanger. Just so you know, you probably won’t find him in a pub or at a football match, the hairdressers or the gym, in a supermarket or a coffee shop. You will find him at work, through friends or on the internet, but you never know, there is always a chance meeting somewhere.

So why do I tell you this?

Well really, it’s just Boy Scout stuff … always be prepared.

If you are getting a coffee on a Saturday morning, don’t go down to the road in your grub laden garbage gear. Go in something appropriate and tidy, always smile and don’t always wear makeup.

A lot of blokes only like makeup when it is appropriate and, we don’t like makeup in the mornings because that’s not appropriate, and it scares us. You see, one day if we want you and you select us, we will eventually wake up with you in the morning. The last thing we need is to look at you and ask how you enjoyed The Rocky Horror Picture Show last night. Wearing too much makeup scares us because we may not know what you really look like and you are setting false expectations. We want to wake up with someone that looks similar to the girl we took out the night before. It seems to get worse the older you get and apparently so we are not that stupid; we have learnt to look for the signs of the great cover-up.

Now this cover-up is not only on the makeup front, it’s the whole package. We now know what to look for in order to avoid getting mutton when we thought we were getting lamb. Makeup, hair extensions, girdles of the modern sense, boob enhancers, Botox, kaftans, false eye lashes, fake tits and whatever else there is that covers up your faults; we are now seeking and we do discover.

I had a phone call a few years back from a friend who was a gym instructor requesting my presence to meet her and her girlfriends at a bar. Her girlfriends were also gym instructors all on a girls’ night out … all bloody eight of them. (I have now learnt never to be shocked at the unexpected.) So why me? Why was I singled out to be the only bloke with eight female gym instructors? Well I had recently broken up with someone and one of the girls wanted to put a smile on my face. Without going into the ‘ins and outs’ of what happened, it turned into a hilarious evening, and yes, they were seriously drunk and outrageous. Point of the story is we started talking about boob jobs, (I’m not sure who started it … honest Injun). The question was asked of me how many of the eight girls I thought had been under the knife. I responded with a courteous none of course. If I had told the truth I would have thought two. Hell, was I wrong, try seven out of eight. But that’s not all. Three had been under for a tummy tuck, two nose jobs, one chin job, three arse jobs, four liposuctions on thighs, two had had ribs removed, three had neck jobs whatever they are and every single one was using Botox. So out of the eight gorgeous (attached, married) women, they could all previously have been aliens from the planet Hollyboob for all I know. They’d had more work done on them than there are chins in a Chinese phonebook. And by the way this Botox … do you know what it really is?

While most people have no problems when having this Botox shit injected with a very sharp needle into your face and near your eyes, there are possible side effects. These include droopy eyelids, muscle weakness and difficulty swallowing. There are even serious side effects such as chest pain, speech problems and double vision —and that’s before you have a drink. Did you know it’s basically a food poison (as in botulism)? Did you know it’s made of cattle fat?

We men are now wary. If we had half a brain and we do, we’d be having you sign statutory declarations that you are what you are and be checking out your photographic history.

But there is far more to it. When I say be prepared, be prepared mentally as well. That’s right. Men want women who are capable of being adaptable quickly. It doesn’t matter where you may be or who you may be with, if there is a spark when we meet you, then we want to know you are prepared to receive us mentally. It’s proven that mental stimulation helps enormously when it comes to sex so it’s important we turn you on mentally as well.

When you think this whole thing through, you receiving is what it’s all about. Guys love to give girls things to make them happy — a home, car, flowers, a way of life, happiness, long tongues, penises and sperm. We damn well give so much it bothers me we aren’t all fed up with giving. But giving is the nature of men because giving is better for us because we are not good at receiving. Receiving confuses us unless it’s oral sex. I think oral sex is the one thing we do like to receive. We understand oral sex. Some men don’t understand giving oral sex but most men understand receiving it. However with most things, receiving just confuses us; we aren’t smart enough to grasp receiving and think because you gave us something we have to give something back.

So being prepared is essential. We like to jump upon our women at the least expectant moments, (you know what I mean). Still to this day I don’t know of anyone who has picked up at a night club and had a successful relationship, except for a baseball mate of mine who reckons clubbing is a great thing … he’s 50. Then again, he thinks 15 minutes in the shower alone is showing commitment. Relationships happen through friends generally, (or internet dating), and the office, because that way you know the other party can be trusted. As it happens, no matter what you say, we trust you, but we will also eventually find out the truth about you, maybe not immediately, but we will find out.

Oh and yes, there is a chance with the internet dating but beware, there are more married guys on these sites pretending to be single guys than you would care to poke a stick at. So again I say to you, do not lie on a profile if you are internet dating, even if there are a lot of scumbags doing it. If you lie from the start, your relationship is doomed under the trust factor.

Why the empty horses? We tend to sneak up on you like the ancient mythological Greeks snuck into the city of Troy after a 10-year battle around the 12th century BC. The Trojans built a wooden horse big enough to conceal a small elite force of soldiers and delivered it to the gates of Troy as a gift to feign surrender (a real example of men on the hunt). Just when the Greek army faked they were leaving, they snuck back in under the cover of darkness, (the same way we pretend not to be interested), the Greeks, using the best of their most elite fighting men, (us men, the power brokers, the leaders, the Kings of Queens), jumped out of the wooden horse, opened the gates, let all the other soldiers in and ended the siege, (we capture our women … or at least we try to capture them).

Is it always like that? Yes it is, I believe. Men generally have an even chance of winning a battle, but when it comes to war and women we need to learn to lie down and well, take it like a man. Men cannot win wars against women. It’s very similar to how you continue to trick us. Even when we are the ones tricking you, you are playing us like puppets on a pussy string.

That fucking pussy string! What is it about your pussies that drives us nuts? It’s as if we cannot do without them. Just because we don’t have one can’t be the only reason. Whatever it is, it draws us to you like Hannibal Lector is drawn to brain stem research.

We love them, adore them; we are mesmerised by them. We like sleeping with them, playing with them, putting things inside them. We like teasing them, rubbing them, pounding them, licking them, talking about them, looking at them and dreaming about them. I guess what I’m saying is we are totally infatuated by the pussy and the expression, ‘the power of the pussy’, is an expression that actually does hold real power, immense power.

So the next time you are looking to be picked up, courted, swooned off your feet or laid, think about how you are going to do it. Be prepared for the unexpected. You know it’s easy to get picked up and get laid, but doing this will eventually destroy you. If real happiness is to be achieved for the woman, look to please a man in not just a sexual or physical way, but spiritually, for he will give back happiness to you many times over if you can give him what he needs.

We are simple beasts and all we want for our own happiness is to please you. If we please you, we get a pat on the head, a tickle under our chin and a rub on our tummies … if we roll over, and we will. We enjoy you doing this to us. You see scratching our own tummies is akin to spanking our own backsides … it just doesn’t work.

The secret of attraction is to love yourself. Attractive people judge neither themselves nor others. They are open to gestures of love. They think about love, and express their love in every action.
They know that love is not a mere sentiment, but the ultimate truth at the heart of the universe.

—Deepak Chopra