Life is just a mammary
A lot of guys think the larger a woman’s breasts are,
the less intelligent she is. I don’t think it works like that.
I think it’s the opposite. I think the larger a woman’s breasts are, the less intelligent men become.
—Anita Wise
There has been a bit of chat about tits throughout this book so we may as well devote an entire chapter to them and discuss it in a well-rounded yet possibly pointed manner.
What are the inflated facts about tits? Whilst I don’t want to make a boob of myself here and I know some men will find this chapter titillating, I do want to make a few pert comments, give you that so called uplifting moment, allow us all the opportunity of cupping the true essence of the conversation and possibly allow me just to milk the subject and squeeze out a few of the home truths about these extraordinary lumps of fat otherwise known as bosoms, or, if you are my and my fellow man’s way inclined, your fun bags.
Men do like tits but they don’t love them the way men continue to talk and ogle about them. Tits are quite simply lumps of fat designed and shaped differently by women to confuse the average bloke into having something to play with and keep them occupied. Yes, it’s true some tits are better than others; they don’t have to be big, but they do have to be responsive. We like responsive tits because that makes us think we are clever after touching them and, when we think we are clever after touching your tits and making them happy tits, turning those headlights to full beam, so outstanding in many ways, then we are happy. It’s a miracle we men just don’t just wag our tails. I just wonder why we do love touching those nipples of yours. Is it because we can suck on them, because we can just as easily touch our own nipples, but I don’t get that excited when I touch my own. As for sucking on my own nipples, if this ever becomes near to being a possibility or even looks like becoming a possibility, can you please shoot me and donate my breasts to Berlie in the interest of medical science for males.
So why do we like tits but don’t love them? Tits are good for three very real reasons.
So for men here are the simple answers to a bunch of bullshit handed out over the years by men and women.
We like point two because tits make women look like women and we love women, in isolation the way I loved the Goddess and in general the way we should adore women as a people, a race, a whatever you want to call them as a group — a ‘group’— yes if they are just together looking aimlessly around like cows in a paddock; a ‘bunch’ if they are wearing floral dresses and look like flowers; a ‘coven’ if you think they should have been in the opening scene of Macbeth; and a ‘gaggle’ when they are having coffee together.
The first point of telling us they fed us as babies doesn’t really last long, excepting that it gives us our maternal ties to our mummies and we love mummies, in fact we like most mummies, especially yummy mummies.
Point three is where it’s at. Tits are fat cells with a pointy thing at the front that helps women get aroused. If you play with them, along with a few other things we should do in the bedroom, lounge room, courtyard, front lawn, beach, stairs, kitchen or shower, then hopefully we will all be rewarded. But rewarded in what way? Well, one thing’s for sure, when I have come across women with non-responsive tits they are usually non-responsive in other areas. This isn’t always true but more often than not. There are so many ways in which we get those headlights to turn on and sometimes we don’t even have to do anything. Just using our brains may just turn you on. I can see another headlight, sorry I mean headline, “Look darling, no hands”!
However, there is a real reward for playing with your fun bags during the pre-coital moments. Sucking as a baby on mama’s titties triggers an oxytocin release and thus creates a bond between mother and child. It’s the same for men. We get that oxytocin release and we feel closer to you. So if you want your man to feel closer to you just let him suck on your tits. I don’t suggest cuddling up to him on a bus though.
Then we have reality — there are actually blokes out there that do care about what happens in the bedroom. There are blokes prepared to play with your tits not for his sake but for yours. The Japanese call it ‘Shibumi’. Take your partner into the bedroom and flip a coin. Winner gets to give not receive. Imagine if that’s the way it was all the time! The sex between man and woman couldn’t get better. Men would be champing at the titty bitty to get home as soon as possible every day, buy you more than just a cursory dinner or two plus many more gestures in the hope that it will help get our ‘point’ across.
So there you have it. Now how do you as a group, that is you as women, help educate your men into liking tits for the right reason?
Take the time to say to us, “I like that”. It’s a reward. He thinks he is making you happy, and guess what? He might be or he might not be. The fact is you are getting attention and attention is important to turn you on, even if it’s only a mental turn on (good boy, down dog, down dog).
Do we dare talk about breast implants?
Why not, because I think I’m about to be crucified by men worldwide anyway.
The facts are, breast implants, or as men prefer to describe them, boob jobs, do help some woman find their shape. We want our women to feel like women and if they are flat-chested, why not get it done if it is going to make you feel more womanly. Good idea to do your maths though. At the going rate of 2014 it’s about six gorillas a tit. Now if you are going from a size 30 to 34 that’s three big ones an inch so make sure it’s worth it.
Since this book is about the truth — here it is. Most boob jobs in the eyes of most blokes are just that … a boob job. If you have enough, live with it and enjoy not having to go through the pain of a doctor’s knife. Most boob jobs look fake and, if they look fake then it really is saying something about you. Sorry to all those male readers who love the huge fake tits, it’s time to get back in your truck cabin anyway, even if I know it’s probably three years away ’til you get to this point of the book. By then I’ll be a different looking person and unrecognisable in the streets. As for those women out there who have had it done and they look fake we are judging you, so now that it’s done, try to look natural — it’s what we want.
We are not fans of fake. Men love natural. You see, we think fake tits, fake in the sack. Fake tits, probably had a nose job. Fake tits, I wonder if her arse is real. Fake tits, must love collagen. Fake tits, this woman will keep me poor for the rest of my life. Fake tits, our kids are not going to turn out as pretty as what she is now. Fake tits, if I do have kids with her it’s going to cost me my other arm and leg to keep them under the doctor’s knife as well. Have I laboured the point yet, we don’t like fake tits. They don’t respond generally like normal soft, mouth-watering bobbles of fat and can knock our teeth out when we suck on them. To us your natural tits are already just so perfectly shaped, warm and fun to play with and they are the two things in your upper body that gives you that beautiful womanly and different shape.
But, as I said before some women do need boob jobs as they don’t have boob enough to make them look like a womanly woman. That’s OK in our books, we want happy women.
By the way we have noted previously in talking about getting bigger tits — blokes, not men, just don’t understand it. The bigger the tits the fatter you look so why do you want to look fat. Everything out there is geared toward women being slimmer. As you age, your tits are going to start sagging and the bigger the tits the worse it will be for you.
So there you have it — we like tits, but they are not the be all and end all. You, the person, are far more important.
I think the quality of sexiness comes from within. It is something that is in you or it isn’t and it really doesn’t have much to do
with breasts or thighs or the pout of your lips.
—Sophia Loren