Robert Smith
When we hear that a counselor has been involved in sexual sin with a counselee, we ask, “How did it happen? How could it have been prevented?” Then it is easy to add, “That will never happen to me!”
Perhaps we know a counselor who is excessively overweight and yet does an excellent job of counseling. Again a question comes to mind. “How can this person possibly help counselees develop discipline in their lives when he (or she) is obviously undisciplined?”
Such questions cause us to reflect on a basic necessity in the life of a biblical counselor: spiritual discipline. This is particularly true in light of Paul’s warning that those who seek to restore another must be careful not to get caught up in the offender’s sin (Gal. 6:1). Biblical counselors must have a growing relationship with the Lord, must be growing both in knowledge of and obedience to the Word of God, and must be aware of their potential to sin.
RELATIONSHIP TO THE LORD
The biblical counselor must, of course, be born again; for how can counselors correctly use the Word of God unless they are indwelt by His Spirit? And how can counselors encourage others to change and grow in their relationship with the Lord unless they are a growing model of the changing power of the gospel themselves? In the discussion that follows, we will describe eight essential elements of spiritual discipline for maintaining a growing relationship with Jesus Christ.
To correctly apply the Word of God to counseling situations we must know it and practice it. We must read it and study it in order to apply it to our lives before we can use it effectively in the counseling room. A regular reading program can be a helpful structure to do this. There are many different ways to study the Bible and while one method will be productive for one person, a different method will be more productive for someone else. Counselors who study the Bible for sermon or Sunday school lesson preparation or Bible study instruction will find that the insights gained from that study will naturally spill over into counseling.
Scripture memorization is an essential part of the counselor’s relationship with God, as well as a means of increasing personal knowledge of the Word to be used with others. As the counselor applies memorized passages to daily life, he or she is able to help the counselee use them effectively also. The Bible is the Spirit’s sword and the counselor must have that sword available and ready to use at a moment’s notice, not only in personal practice but also in the counseling sessions.
It is helpful to use a guided program in Scripture memorization. As you memorize Scripture, try to memorize passages rather than individual verses (other than proverbs) in order to avoid using verses out of context. Memorize verses that are useful in your own life and verses that teach doctrines applicable to counseling problems. In his book, What to Do on Thursday, Dr. Adams included an excellent list of verses for memorization that are particularly beneficial for counseling.1
Counselees often have a wrong view of prayer. In order to help them understand prayer, counselors need to have a correct understanding of prayer and to practice prayer.
Why do we need to pray? The Bible gives many reasons, but three are particularly important. First, God commands it (Col. 4:2; 1 Tim. 5:17). Second, Christ modeled the example of prayer for us (Mark 1:35; Luke 6:12). If He, the sinless perfect One prayed, how much more should we pray? Third, since Christ taught us to pray we can assume He wants us to pray. Prayer is an act of obedience and worship of God (Matt. 6:5–9).
Prayer is basically one-way communication with God. We do not expect Him to speak to us in a mystical way in prayer because He has already spoken through His Word. If we want to hear Him, we must “search the Scriptures.”
We must also remind ourselves (and frequently our counselees) that God responds to prayer with answers other than an immediate yes. For example, in Acts, Paul’s request to go to Rome as a preacher was answered a different way. He went instead as a prisoner, with all expenses paid by the Roman government! Sometimes answers to prayer are delayed. George Mueller prayed for a man all his life and never experienced the answer to his prayer. Years after Mueller’s death the man was saved.
In order to establish a habit of prayer it is helpful to schedule a time to pray. When you pray, use your time efficiently by praying from a prayer list. Some items on the list may be prioritized for daily prayer and others will be scheduled for weekly prayer. Praying every day for a need is not as important as praying regularly. And recognize that a long prayer time has no merit simply because it is long. On some days, when crises, and other responsibilities take over your schedule, your structured prayer time may be reduced to praying on the run. But on other days you can return to your schedule of regular prayer.
The ministry of counseling is impossible without the Spirit’s guidance in understanding the Word. Counselors must seek His help in prayer to understand and rightly utilize the sword of truth in dealing with counselees’ problems. In gathering data we need the Spirit’s help to correctly piece it all together. And we must continually depend on the Holy Spirit to help with counselees’ problems. Change will occur in counselees’ lives in proportion to their understanding of the biblical principles that apply to their situation. And although wise counsel from a counselor may produce external change, it will not be permanent change. Only the Spirit can give the necessary insight and motivation for permanent change. So counselors must pray that the Spirit will work in their counselees’ lives and must pray that their own lives will be examples of obedience to biblical principles and constant growth in the knowledge of the Word of God.
Here are two observations on prayer by Jay Adams:
Prayer is a resource that Satan doesn’t possess and the flesh knows nothing of it. Yet it is yours—a powerful asset which the Lord warns you not to neglect. Of course faithful prayer is difficult, as the disciples discovered and as we all know. And right here many battles are lost. People who know the Word, whose minds are fixed on the right goals and who want to win the war within, nevertheless fail because they do not pray.
It is important to have the Spirit’s aid in praying as well as in the battle itself. . . . If God provides for all aspects of the battle, including the very prayer with which you call on Him for provision, then make no mistake—there is no excuse for failure. You cannot even plead that you do not know how to pray!2
Maintaining a relationship with a local body of believers is an essential part of the counselor’s relationship with the Lord. This relationship is mandated in the Bible. Of approximately 110 references to the church in the New Testament over 90 refer to the local church. In the New Testament, believers quickly united with the local assembly (Acts 2:41, 47). Thus if we attempt to minister apart from the local church we are ignoring God’s view and purpose of the church.
There are many benefits for the counselor who maintains a relationship with a local church. One of the benefits is the preaching of the Word. This is where the counselor is fed apart from personal study. No believer can be in the Word too much to need the preaching of the Word. An irregular relationship with a local church will only diminish the counselor’s spiritual growth and, thus, his or her counseling ministry. Another benefit of maintaining close ties with a local church is that this provides accountability—accountability for discipline, repentance, and restoration. A counselor who is a member of a local church accepts this protection and declares submission to biblical principles in all aspects of life.
Submission to the authority of other church leaders is particularly important for counselors. In this way they model submission to the Word of God and to imperfect leadership for counselees who must also be encouraged to submit to authority that is not perfect. Those who refuse to submit to local church leadership miss all the blessings God promises in biblical submission and have no answer to those in similar situations who come to them for counsel.
Worship is mandated for the believer and thus must be an important part of the counselor’s life. Worship is not an experience or a warm feeling, it is a cognitive awe and reverence of the Holy God that focuses on Him. Without worship it is easy to minimize sin and to fail in spiritual growth that would please God. Worship makes us aware of our own spiritual needs.
The church is the biblical place for corporate worship. The music, the order of service, and all that is done should focus toward the sermon, which is designed to help the listeners accomplish the ultimate act of worship: daily obedience to God.
Worship includes praise and thanksgiving for what the Lord is doing both in the counselor’s life and in the lives of counselees. Praise and thanksgiving can help to prevent discouragement when dealing with difficult problems. Such problems then become an opportunity to praise God for what He has done and can do.
Since the basis of nearly every counseling problem is a doctrinal problem, a correct understanding of theology is essential for the biblical counselor. This does not mean that we can find the answers to counseling problems in a theology textbook. The Bible is our textbook, and if we understand the Bible correctly we will adhere to a correct theology.
It is particularly important in biblical counseling for the counselor to understand the correct theology of sin. So many counseling problems are a direct result of sin, yet, frequently, counselees minimize sin. They do not understand the doctrine of sin, how bad sin is, how pervasive it is, what God thinks about it, or what they must do about it. Theological correctness is necessary in other counseling situations also. For example, when a husband does not love his wife as he should, he does not understand the doctrine of Christ: His love for the Church, His demonstrations of that love, and His driving desire to obey the Father. In all counseling problems involving a conflict with another person, there is evidence of failure in that person’s relationship with God.
Theological correctness is also essential to understanding biblical counseling as opposed to other forms and philosophies of counseling. Some so-called Christian counseling attempts to manipulate others—even God—using the Bible or claims that the Bible is insufficient and that modern counselors must add their wisdom to the Bible. A correct understanding of the theology of the Bible helps sort out these issues.
Romans 8:28–29 teaches that the goal of all believers is to become more like Christ. All that happens in a person’s life is divinely orchestrated to help that person become more like God’s Son (2 Cor. 3:18). Certainly this must be a priority goal in the counselor’s life.
Believers are stewards of all that God has entrusted to them. There is nothing we have that God has not given to us and entrusted us to use for His glory. This includes spouse, children, abilities, possessions, and ministry. In entrusting them to us, He expects us to use them faithfully for His glory (1 Pet. 4:10).
RELATIONSHIP TO OTHERS
As commendable and necessary as it is, a growing relationship with the Lord is not enough to qualify one as a biblical counselor. A genuine spiritual love for people is also a prime prerequisite.
A biblical counselor must evangelize, because God’s Word commands it (Matt. 28:19–20; Mark 16:15; Acts 1:8). But beyond this, without evangelism there is no need for counseling, since the nonbeliever cannot be counseled biblically. Adams correctly stated that we can only do precounseling of nonbelievers to prepare them for salvation through the counseling relationship.3 Thus, the counselor must be able to show people, from the Bible, how they can obtain the gift of eternal life. A counselor who is not grieved about the eternal destiny of lost souls is missing the primary focus of Christ’s life and of all ministry.
Success in evangelism is not measured by results, but by the careful and accurate presentation of the gospel. This includes all the facets that lead up to being able to present the gospel. One who is building bridges of relationships to others is off to a good start in evangelism even though no gospel presentation has been made. Being all things to all men to enhance the presentation of the gospel is essential and part of the success (1 Cor. 9:19–23). However, it is also true that if one works only on bridge building and never carries the message over the bridge (perhaps because of personal failure, such as fear or neglect), then this is not success either.
Evangelism is particularly important for biblical counseling because unless the counselee experiences (or has experienced) saving faith, there cannot be much further progress in the counseling process. The counselor may use the Bible to help people improve their situations, but must always tell unsaved counselees that they will never achieve all the success God desires because they do not have the help of the indwelling Spirit. They will settle for far less than the Spirit’s goals since they cannot understand His Word (2 Cor. 4:4). Success in such instances might be defined as an improvement in the circumstances, but could not be considered as change for the glory of God. In the process of solving daily problems, the counselor must not overlook the greater problem of the counselee’s eternal destiny.
Biblical counseling is simply an extension of discipling. There is no sharp distinction between the two. Discipling might be described as teaching basic Christian principles to a believer, whereas counseling is using those principles to deal with specific situations in a person’s life. The most productive counseling grows out of the ministry of discipling a person after salvation, of teaching that individual the basic principles of living the Christian life. Biblical counselors who want to see lives change must be aggressive disciplers.
Jesus did not come to this earth to be served, but to serve (Matt. 20:28). If the One who created came to serve those who were created, how much more should those who were created be willing to serve. The ministry of counseling must not focus on generating an income, but on serving. Service to others is essential in establishing integrity and authenticity in biblical counseling. The counselor must be a servant in the home, in the church, even in positions of leadership.
One of the best means to handle criticism successfully is to approach it as a learning situation. Become a student of your critic, especially when you believe you are innocent of the criticism. Although the natural response when we believe we are innocent is to defend ourselves or try to make the accuser see that we are innocent, it is better to learn how the critic reached the conclusion. We need to ask what the accuser observed that caused him or her to make the accusation. The answers to that question can inform us how we look or sound to others with whom we communicate. We may have been totally innocent in our thoughts and motives, but inadvertently communicated something different.
For example, you may be accused of being angry with a counselee. As you reflect on the previous counseling session, you may not remember any anger or distress with the person during the discussion. But when you ask what made the person think you were angry, you learn that as you were talking you were scowling, you appeared restless, and your voice became somewhat firmer than usual. The counselee interpreted these nonverbal responses as demonstrations of anger. Although you were not angry, you can understand why the counselee felt that you were angry, and you can determine to take more care to monitor your voice and facial expressions in the future.
When you are challenged, do not run but determine to learn from the conflict. Your best defense is to ask the critic to defend the criticism as you attempt to learn from it. Proverbs 29:1 warns about ignoring reproof and in 2 Samuel 16:5–13, David saw his critic Shimei as being directed by God for his benefit. We need to remind ourselves that God is in control of our critics and could have prevented the criticism if He thought that was best. When He allows it, it is for our benefit and the benefit of our critic. By observing how we learn rather than defend, the critic sees a biblical response.
The best defense of innocence is to allow the facts to prove it, and the only facts are those that can be observed. We can ask a challenger for the facts behind an inferred conclusion and ask how the conclusion is legitimate, at the same time reminding the person that conclusions about attitudes based on those facts are only inferences and cannot be treated as facts. By showing we are not afraid to have our innocence carefully examined, we produce the best defense of our innocence, even when the accusation threatens our integrity. First Peter 2:12 and 3:16 teach that a godly character is the best defense against false accusation. If you have nothing to hide or to be ashamed of, let the quality of your character be closely examined. Your godly character will prove your innocence.
PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
The Bible teaches that marriage is a picture of the love of Christ for His bride, the church, and the submission of that bride to her Lord (Eph. 5:22–33). The biblical counselor’s marriage must be an example of this relationship. If counselors do not apply biblical principles to make their marriages successful, they will not be in a position to help counselees with their marriages. We cannot expect other couples to build a biblical marriage if we have not built one ourselves.
A spouse’s companionship is God’s provision to help prevent wrong relationships with counselees. God has ordained that our needs for intimacy be met only through the marriage relationship and through a relationship with His Son. Although no marriage is completely free of problems, the counselor’s marriage must be an example of how sin-cursed people live in biblical harmony with one another, even in difficult times. Counselors must first successfully minister in their homes if they are effectively to demonstrate Christian principles for living to counselees.
The counselor’s first ministry is to his or her spouse and family. We cannot help other parents with their children if we are not spending time properly training and disciplining our own children. We must bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4). The time we spend with our children should include fun times (doing what they want) as well as times of direct spiritual teaching.
RELATIONSHIP TO SELF
Galatians 6:1 warns restorers (counselors) to be aware of their own lives. They must be growing in their relationships to Christ. Counselors should be characterized as people who are growing and changing. No counselor is perfect, for perfection is impossible, but we are to be growing more like Jesus Christ who is perfect. Here are four important concepts to consider in relationship to self.
Counselors must take a realistic view of themselves and their potential for sin. This is part of the warning in Galatians 6:1, for though we are regenerated, we still live under the curse of sin. This means that we are capable of committing the same sin as nonbelievers. To believe anything else is not only theologically erroneous but is naive and potentially dangerous. Keeping this fact in mind, we must take great precautions to make it very hard to sin (Matt. 5:28–30).
For example, if your sexual relationship with your spouse is not all you hope for, be alert to your potential to be tempted in this area. Work on serving and ministering to your spouse and thank God for the good qualities in her or him. When you see failure, recognize that God is using this to make you more like Christ. When you are tempted to think of a sexual relationship with a fictional person or a real person, recognize such thoughts as sin and immediately replace them with biblical thoughts. If you find yourself attracted to a counselee, recognize that such thinking and feeling is violating your marriage covenant. Then take every precaution necessary to remove yourself from tempting situations with that counselee.
A counselor who sins must do just what counselees do: repent and change by developing a specific plan to change. It is extremely important not to form a habit of becoming comfortable with sin. No matter how small or big, sin must stop. As counselors who study the Word of God, we need to be alert to the Spirit’s teaching about sin that applies to our lives.
When we are confronted with sin in our lives, we cannot ignore it. If we are guilty we must repent and change. If we are innocent, we must consider why God would allow us to be accused of the sin. Perhaps we need to be more consistent in adhering to protective guidelines to prevent that sin in our lives.
In 1 Corinthians 3:17 believers are commanded not to defile their body, which is the temple of the Holy Spirit. This admonition would include the injunction to take proper care of the body. Taking proper care of our bodies includes getting sufficient sleep, exercising daily, and disciplining ourselves to maintain a balanced weight.
Sleep. Most people need between seven and eight hours of sleep each night. Very few people can function well on less than this on a regular basis, and very few of those who think they can, actually do. Counselors should not let busy schedules keep them from getting adequate sleep. Sufficient rest is as important as all the other physical aspects of the body. Without adequate rest, fatigue makes it difficult to concentrate, especially when studying or listening to a counselee.
Exercise. Taking proper care of our bodies also includes adequate physical exercise. Numerous medical studies have confirmed the necessity of exercise for maintaining good health as well as the long-range benefits of exercise to mental and physical health. Not only does it keep our bodies functioning well, but exercise helps to reduce stress and thus lessens the risk for illness. Counselors need to develop a daily habit of exercise and at least some physical exertion. It will clear the mind and provide extra energy.
Weight. Maintaining a balanced weight level is also an important health factor. For many counselors who have desk jobs that do not require much physical exercise, this requires extra measures of self-discipline and determination, not only in choosing a balanced low-fat diet but in burning excess calories through exercise. Keeping our weight under control is a necessity, for how can a counselor insist that a counselee be disciplined in various areas of his or her life when the counselor is not disciplined in the very basic areas of diet and weight control?
TOTAL LIFE VIEW
A biblical counselor must see all of life from God’s perspective. No event in the counselor’s life or the counselee’s life is isolated from God; He has total and complete control of everything. Nothing in this world is out of control. The Scriptures teach that every facet of life is under His control and He is using it for His glory and our benefit (Rom. 8:28–29). We can rest assured that “God never pursues His glory at the expense of the good of His people, nor does He ever seek our good at the expense of His glory. He has designed His eternal purpose so that His glory and our good are inextricably bound together.”4