Wayne A. Mack
Biblical counseling is about solving people’s problems. It is about discovering the causes of their problems and then applying biblical principles to those causes. Sometimes, even well-intentioned counselors err by counseling without cultivating the key element of involvement.1
Consider the approach of this counselor described in The Christian Counselor’s Casebook by Jay Adams:
Clara comes to you stating that she has filed for divorce on the grounds of mental and bodily cruelty.
Clara returns for the third session. “I tried to get him here but he had other things to do,” she begins. “You know what his other things are, of course. I told you all of them.”
“I don’t want to hear such charges behind Marty’s back,” you respond. “This continuing hostility toward him, even though you told him you forgave him, seems to indicate that you made little or no attempt to bury the issue and start afresh. I don’t think that you understand forgiveness. You . . .” “Forgive him! You know there is a limit. After he has beat me, and his drinking away our money maybe, but when I came home and found him in my bed with that woman, I can never bury that! He is just an immature, immoral, animalistic pig,” she declares.
You tell her that it will be necessary for her to change her language about her husband and that you are here to help but not to salve her self-righteous attitude and listen to her ever-increasing charges against her husband.
“Why are you siding with him? I’m the one that belongs to this church!” She breaks into tears.2
Why did that session deteriorate into near hopelessness before it had hardly begun? Although most of what the counselor said was probably true, the session turned sour because the counselor took, what I call, the auto mechanic approach to counseling.
When someone leaves a car for repair, the mechanic pulls out the shop manual, puts the car through various diagnostic tests, then repairs the problem according to the manual. Some counselors, I fear, treat people this way. They are interested only in finding out what the problem is and what the book says to do about it. Then they immediately try to fix the problem with little regard to their relationship with the counselee.3
This approach to counseling is faulty because it regards the counselee as a mechanism, while the biblical counselor is trying to help a whole person. This is not to say, of course, that the person should be emphasized to the extent that his or her problems are disregarded. A genuine care and concern for the individual will compel us to deal with the person and the problems. The point is, counselors cannot allow themselves to become exclusively problem-oriented. Rather, they need to be person-oriented; then the treatment of problems that flows from that emphasis will be set in the proper context.
The counselor in Clara’s case failed because he was too problem-oriented in his approach. Apparently, he had done little to establish involvement with his counselee. He had not endeavored to develop a facilitative relationship that would assure her of his concern. He could have taken time to listen to her and sympathize with the pain she was experiencing, but, instead, he jumped right in and addressed her sin.4 Almost immediately, Clara viewed him as an enemy or opponent rather than an ally. And as long as she viewed her counselor this way, his counsel would mean little to her. His words might be truthful and appropriate to her situation, but she would reject them.
Proverbs 27 says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (v. 6) and “A man’s counsel is sweet to his friend” (v. 9, emphasis added). We are most receptive to counsel from those we know are with us and for us. They can speak to us frankly about our faults, and though we may be annoyed temporarily, we soon realize that they are only trying to help us because they are concerned for us. On the other hand, if someone whom we perceive as a stranger or an enemy criticizes us, we tend to react defensively and with suspicion about their motives.
In counseling, as in any other relationship, we must remember that our impact and influence in people’s lives is usually related to their perception of us. That is why involvement is so important to the counseling process. Usually, the counseling process is truly effective only when an acceptable level of involvement has been established.5
With that in mind, let us consider three ways that counselors can develop involvement with counselees. The facilitative relationship must be built on the foundations of compassion, respect, and sincerity.
INVOLVEMENT THROUGH COMPASSION
Involvement is established when people know that we sincerely care for them.
Jesus. Undoubtedly, the greatest counselor of all times was our Lord Jesus Christ. Isaiah the prophet told us, “His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor” (9:6) and that upon Him would rest “the spirit of wisdom and understanding, / The spirit of counsel and strength” (11:2). One of the keys to Jesus’ success as a counselor was His intense compassion for men and women, which is apparent throughout the gospel accounts of His life and ministry.
The book of Matthew tells us that “seeing the multitudes, He felt compassion for them, because they were distressed and downcast like sheep without a shepherd” (Matt. 9:36). Jesus suffered with the needy multitudes. He felt for them and cared for them. His compassion permeated all of his attempts to meet their needs (Matt. 9:35, 37–38). Far from being a cold-hearted, auto mechanic type counselor who merely attacked problems and treated people like statistics, Jesus was motivated by compassion for them.
Mark 3:1–5 says that when Jesus noticed a man with a withered arm in the synagogue, He became angry and grieved at the Pharisees for their lack of sensitivity toward the man. Jesus showed compassion for the man by healing him of his malady.
A rich young ruler came to Jesus seeking eternal life, but left without it because he loved his riches too much to give them up. Mark 10:21 says that “looking at him, Jesus felt a love for him.” Even when Jesus had to tell people what they did not want to hear, He did so with compassion.
One day Jesus was walking with His disciples when a funeral procession passed nearby (Luke 7:11–15). The only child of a widow had died, and Christ stopped to comfort her: “And when the Lord saw her, He felt compassion for her, and said to her, ‘Do not weep.’ ” Then He proceeded to raise her boy from the dead.
Jesus’ compassion caused Him to shed tears of sorrow and grief. Luke 19:41 records that Jesus wept over Jerusalem as He predicted the judgment of God that would soon fall upon it. In John 11:33–35, when Jesus saw Mary’s grief over the death of Lazarus, “He was deeply moved in spirit, and was troubled,” and He wept. Mary and all the others Jesus interacted with throughout His ministry knew how much He cared for them. That is one of the qualities that made Him the Wonderful Counselor. He did not just observe problems and dispense platitudes; He epitomized the compassion that every counselor needs.
Paul. Another compassionate counselor was the apostle Paul. Many people think of Paul only as a staunch defender of the faith and a brilliant theologian. They fail to realize that he also was a compassionate man who cared deeply for people. In Acts 20:31 he reminded the Ephesian elders, “Night and day for a period of three years I did not cease to admonish each one with tears.” The Greek word translated “admonish” (noutheteō) can also be translated “counsel,” and it most often means “to correct or to warn.” Even when Paul rebuked them for their sin, his tears communicated a genuine, caring, and loving heart.
Paul’s great love for his fellow Jews is also shown in Romans 9:1–3. There he said, “I am telling the truth in Christ, I am not lying, my conscience bearing me witness in the Holy Spirit, that I have great sorrow and unceasing grief in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were accursed, separated from Christ for the sake of my brethren, my kinsmen according to the flesh.” Paul was willing to burn in hell if that would save other Jews! Surely you and I have a long way to go before we match that kind of compassion.
In 2 Corinthians 2:4, Paul referred to a strong letter of admonishment he had previously written to that church: “For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote to you with many tears; not that you should be made sorrowful, but that you might know the love which I have especially for you.” Later he spoke of the “daily pressure” of concern he feels for all the churches and then said, “Who is weak without my being weak? Who is led into sin without my intense concern?” (2 Cor. 11:28–29). Paul identified with the problems and weaknesses of his “counselees” to the extent that it seemed he experienced them himself.
The Thessalonian church received an especially moving expression of Paul’s love for them: “We proved to be gentle among you, as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children. Having thus a fond affection for you, we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become very dear to us” (1 Thess. 2:7–8).
Paul cared for people, and people knew that he cared. His heart was “opened wide” to them (2 Cor. 6:11). That is why he could be so straightforward in addressing their faults without alienating them. If we are to be effective counselors, we must have this same kind of compassion.
Perhaps you are questioning whether you have the kind of compassion Jesus and Paul had, or perhaps you are wondering how to develop such compassion. Fortunately, the Bible does not merely give us these examples, it tells us how we can emulate them. The following suggestions about developing compassion toward others are taken from Scripture.
Think about how you would feel if you were in the counselee’s position. Many passages that refer to Jesus’ compassion state first that he “saw” the people or He “looked upon” them. For instance, Matthew 9:36 says, “Seeing the multitudes, He felt compassion for them” (emphasis added). And the account of the mourning widow states, “When the Lord saw her, He felt compassion for her” (Luke 7:13).6 These verses indicate that Jesus looked thoughtfully at others who were experiencing difficulty; He put Himself in their place and intentionally tried to feel what they were feeling. His compassion for them arose from this empathy. Hebrews 4:15 says that even now in heaven He is “touched with the feeling of our infirmities” (KJV).
Consider again the case of Clara. She quickly concluded that her counselor was not sympathetic with her. All she sensed from him was condemnation. He needed to listen to her complaints and concerns before he tried to understand how she felt. Before responding, he could have asked himself, “What would it be like for me to come home to a wife who was wasting all of our money on alcohol? What would it be like to have a wife calling me names, scratching me, and throwing things at me? What would it be like to have a wife who didn’t care about what I thought or what I said? What would it be like for me to come home and find my wife in my bed with another man? How would I feel? What emotions would I be experiencing?”
This is where the counseling process must start. And although the sin problems must be addressed and solved, in most cases, effective counseling cannot occur until the counselor has shown the counselee the compassion of Christ by identifying with his or her struggles.
Think of the counselee as a family member. Paul said in 1 Timothy 5:1–2, “Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father, to the younger men as brothers, the older women as mothers, and the younger women as sisters.” When I counsel, I deliberately try to imagine how I would treat one of my close relatives. I ask myself, “How would I talk to them? How would I proceed if this were my mother or my father or my brother or my sister sitting across the desk from me?” In reality, our counselees are our spiritual brothers and sisters, and our heavenly Father demands that they be treated as such.
Think about your own sinfulness. Galatians 6:1 instructs and cautions counselors: “Brethren, even if a man is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, lest you too be tempted” (emphasis added). When we become aware of sin in the counselee’s life, we must always remember that we are not immune to sin ourselves; we can fall into it just as easily as anyone else. No one has done anything that we could not do, but for the grace of God. If we keep this in mind we will avoid becoming self-righteous or condescending toward those who sin. Instead, we will reach out to them in compassion just as Jesus did to the adulterous woman (John 8:1–11).
Think about practical ways to show compassion. In reality, compassion is not so much an emotion as it is a choice of the will. Even if we do not feel like being kind to someone, we can still be kind (see Luke 6:27–28). Often, feelings of love for others follow the decision to act in a way that pleases and benefits them. Use the following questions to help you determine whether you are demonstrating genuine compassion toward your counselees:
• Have you told your counselees that you care for them? (Phil. 1:8).
• Have you prayed for them and with them? (Col. 4:12–13).
• Have you rejoiced and grieved with them? (Rom. 12:15).
• Have you dealt with them gently and tenderly? (Matt. 12:20).
• Have you been tactful with them? (Prov. 15:23).
• Have you spoken graciously to them? (Col. 4:6).
• Have you continued to love and accept them even when they have rejected your counsel? (Mark 10:21).
• Have you defended them against those who mistreat and accuse them? (Matt. 12:1–7).
• Have you forgiven them for any wrong they have done to you? (Matt. 18:21–22).
• Have you been willing to meet their physical needs if necessary? (1 John 3:17).
INVOLVEMENT THROUGH RESPECT
Not only do people need to know that we care for them, they also need to know that we respect them. Webster defines respect as “deferential regard” and “considering another worthy of honor.” The Bible lauds this quality repeatedly. Romans 12:10 says that we are to “give preference to one another in honor”; Philippians 2:3 commands, “With humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself”; and 1 Peter 2:17 tells us to “honor all men.”
To return once more to the example of Clara, the counselor failed her miserably in this regard. His conversation with her communicated only disrespect, which undoubtedly was a major reason their relationship deteriorated.
In cases when a counselee shows little respect for the counselor, it may be because the counselor has shown little respect for the counselee. It is a matter of reaping what the counselor has sown. So when those we are trying to help fail to look to us for guidance (as we think they should), the first question we need to ask ourselves is, “Have I honored them as God commands me to?”7
There are several ways the counselor can show respect that will help establish involvement with the counselee:
Use proper verbal communication. We can show respect both in the way we talk to our counselees and in the way we talk about them. In 2 Timothy 2:24–25 Paul said, “The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth.” Rude or harsh speech is never condoned in Scripture, even when one is speaking the truth (see Eph. 4:15). Proverbs 16 says that “sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness” (v. 21) and “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, / Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (v. 24). So the method of verbal communication is important in showing respect to a counselee.
Use proper nonverbal communication. Showing respect involves what we say with our mouths and what we do with the rest of our bodies. Leviticus 19:32 says, “Rise in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly” (NIV). In the Old Testament, etiquette required that a young person stand when an older person entered the room. It was a nonverbal way of saying, “I honor you; I respect you.” Such nonverbal communication is as important to God today as it was then because it reveals what we think of others.
The acronym S-O-L-V-E-R is a useful device for remembering several nonverbal ways to show respect for a counselee:
S —squared shoulders. Face counselees in a way that indicates you are alert and giving them all your attention.
O—open stance. Relax your arms, hands, and shoulders as if to say, “I am here to receive whatever you want to communicate. You have access to me.”
L —lean forward slightly. This shows interest in what the person is saying to you.
V —vocal quality. Maintain a volume and intensity in your speech that is neither abrasive nor hard to hear. Always let your voice reflect tenderness and compassion, rather than anger and irritation.
E —eye contact. Look at people, especially when they are speaking. Do not stare at them so that they are uncomfortable, but show your interest in what they are saying by giving them your rapt attention.
R —relational posture. Coordinate all your body, head, and facial movements in a way that is most conducive to the comfort of the counselee. Your posture should not be stiff and robotic, but neither should it be so totally relaxed that the person thinks you are about to go to sleep.8
In all of these forms of nonverbal communication, maintain a balance so the counselee does not perceive you as either uptight or indifferent; both perceptions can build a wall between the two of you that will interfere with the counseling process.
Take the counselee’s problems seriously. Never minimize the problems presented by your counselees. You may think, “This is so trivial. Why are they making a big deal out of it?” But while it may seem trivial to you, it is extremely important to them, or they would not be discussing it with you. When you take their problems seriously, you communicate respect. On the other hand, if you make light of their problems you will alienate them from the beginning and will remove any hope they had that you could help them.
Trust your counselees. First Corinthians 13:7 says that love “believes all things.” Applied to counseling, this means that we should believe what our counselees tell us, until the facts prove otherwise. We should also believe that they have entered counseling because they want to please God more. Presumptive suspicion is a worldly attitude, not a Christian one (Phil. 2:3).
Note what one psychology textbook says about Gestalt therapist Fritz Perls:
Perls . . . expresses his skepticism about those who seek therapy and indicates that not very many people really want to invest themselves in the hard work involved in changing. As he points out, “Anybody who goes to a therapist has something up his sleeve. I would say roughly ninety percent don’t go to a therapist to be cured, but to be more adequate in their neurosis. If they are power mad, they want to get more power. . . . If they are ridiculers, they want to have a sharper wit to ridicule, and so on.”9
As believers, we cannot approach counseling with such a cynical attitude. Although at times people will come to us with insincere motives, we should not allow ourselves to think they are insincere without good reason.
Express confidence in the counselee. The Corinthian church had more problems than any church Paul wrote to, yet he told them, “I rejoice that in everything I have confidence in you” (2 Cor. 7:16). No matter how many weaknesses our counselees have, if they are believers we need to convey the attitude that we are confident they will respond well to counseling and will grow through it.
Scripture states that “God . . . is at work in [us believers], both to will and to work for His good pleasure” (Phil. 2:13), and Jesus said, “My sheep hear My voice, . . . and they follow Me” (John 10:27). So we should have an attitude of confidence that believers will respond positively to the directives of our Lord. And we should communicate this confidence to our counselees. The apostle Paul followed this practice with people. He counseled believers about serious problems in their circumstances and in their lives, yet with only one exception (the letter to the Galatian church), his teaching, reproof, correction, and admonition were accompanied with expressions of confidence and respect.
Welcome the counselee’s input. We can show respect for our counselees by asking them to evaluate the sessions and suggest improvements. We can say to them, “God has brought us together, and He not only wants to use me in your life, He also wants to use you in my life.” This also means that we must receive any negative input without becoming defensive or irritated. We can view criticism or complaints as an opportunity to model the godly responses we want counselees to develop in their lives.
Maintain confidentiality. A final way to show respect to counselees is to guard their reputations as much as possible without disobeying God. Unfortunately, confidentiality is not always possible (or desirable) in light of Jesus’ commands. In Matthew 18:16–17 He says that if a brother is sinning and proves unwilling to listen to private rebuke, we should “take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church.” Jay Adams added these comments to those verses:
The implication of this biblical requirement to seek additional help in order to reclaim an offender is that Christians must never promise absolute confidentiality to any person. Frequently it is the practice of Bible-believing Christians to give assurances of absolute confidentiality, never realizing that they are following a policy that originated in the Middle Ages and that is unbiblical. . . .
Is it right, then, to refuse any confidentiality at all? No, confidentiality is assumed in the gradual widening of the sphere of concern to other persons set forth in Matthew 18:15ff. As you read the words of our Lord in that passage, you get the impression that it is only reluctantly, when all else fails, that more and more persons may be called in. The ideal seems to be to keep the matter as narrow as possible. . . .
What then does one say when asked to keep a matter in confidence? We ought to say, “I am glad to keep confidence in the way that the Bible instructs me. That means, of course, I shall never involve others unless God requires me to do so.” In other words, we must not promise absolute confidentiality, but rather, confidentiality that is consistent with biblical requirements.10
Biblical confidentiality is essential in building a relationship of trust between counselor and counselee.
INVOLVEMENT THROUGH SINCERITY
The kind of relationship we want to develop with our counselees can exist only when they know that we are genuine and honest. Paul described his ministry as “not walking in craftiness . . . but by the manifestation of truth commending ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God” (2 Cor. 4:2). Commentator Philip E. Hughes wrote concerning that verse, “So far from being marked by subterfuge, self-interest, and deceit, however, Paul’s ministry was one in which the truth was manifested, openly displayed, outspokenly proclaimed (cf. 3:12f.), in such a manner that none could gainsay the genuineness and sincerity of his motives.”11
We must be like Paul in our counseling, having no hidden agendas or disguised motives, but openly revealing the truth about who we are (and even what we are thinking) to those we seek to help.12 Only then will they be able to trust us through the process.
How can we be sincere and honest in our counseling? Scripture indicates the following methods:
Be honest about your qualifications. It is easy for counselors to misrepresent their credentials to counselees in an attempt to gain respect and confidence. But while this motive may be legitimate, the method is not. Even the great counselor Paul, who had every right to throw around his title of apostle, more often referred to himself as merely “a servant of Christ” (see for example, Rom. 1:1; Phil. 1:1; Titus 1:1). We should follow his humble example and represent ourselves in a similar way to our counselees. Certainly we must never exaggerate or otherwise deceive them about our qualifications. A relationship of trust will be highly unlikely if they find out we have lied to them!
Be honest about your own weaknesses. Being open about personal problems and struggles is an effective way for counselors to demonstrate sincerity to counselees. Paul told the Corinthians, “When I came to you, brethren, I did not come with superiority of speech or of wisdom, . . . I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling” (1 Cor. 2:1–3). He did not present himself as somebody who always had it all together. He was honest about his weaknesses and fears. When he wrote to the Corinthians again, he told them that during a time of affliction he and Timothy had been “burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life” (2 Cor. 1:8).
This was the man who said in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that God would never allow us to be tempted beyond what we are able to bear. Yet he admitted that there was a time when he was so burdened he did not think he could take it anymore. This is one of the reasons Paul was such a great counselor: he was able to proclaim the truth firmly without leaving people under the impression that he was perfect or unable to relate to their failings (see Rom. 7:14–25).
Of course we need to be careful that our self-disclosure is not inappropriate in nature or in duration (we do not want to make our counselees think that we need counseling more than they do!), nor should we spend an inordinate amount of time talking about our problems when counselees come to receive help for theirs. But an appropriate openness shows sincerity, which helps to establish involvement. Whatever we do, we must never pretend to be something we are not.
Be honest about your goals and agenda. Generally speaking, it is advisable and fitting to let counselees know from the beginning what we are trying to do and how we intend to do it. We need to be honest about our counseling methods and standards. We need to make it clear that God and His Word are our source of authority. We must let them know that we approach counseling this way because we are convinced that God’s way of describing problems, identifying their causes, and solving them is superior to any other way.
Occasionally, people come to me wanting their problems to be labeled, interpreted, and solved psychologically. My frequent response to this request is something like this: “I want to serve and help you and I am firmly convinced that the best way to do that is God’s way. I am resolutely committed to the Scriptures as my sole authority because I believe God knows far better than anyone else what our problems are, why we have them, and what to do about them. So because I am a Christian who is convinced that God’s way of understanding and dealing with problems is far superior to any other way and because I want to give you the best help available, my method will be based on the Scripture. If you want a different approach, you will have to secure another counselor. For the Lord’s sake and for yours, I cannot approach counseling in any other way.” Over the years, as I have responded to people in this way, most of them have appreciated my honesty and have stayed for help. From the very start, counselees know I will be honest with them and this enhances our relationship.
We must never be like many non-Christian therapists, who hide their true intentions and play games with people in order to get them to change. Jay Haley is one such therapist:
A third tactic [of Haley’s counseling approach] is the encouraging of usual behavior. In this case resistance to the advice can only result in change. For instance, asking a domineering woman to take charge of the family will often highlight her interaction and result in her wanting to recede more into the background. What is important in Haley’s approach is the question of control. If the therapist tells the domineering woman to lead, she is no longer leading but following the instructions of the therapist. . . . Like the Zen Master the therapist induces change in the client by the use of paradox.13
Any type of reverse psychology like this is unacceptable for the biblical counselor. It only creates barriers to the desired involvement with the counselee.
Be honest about your limitations as a counselor. When we make mistakes or have difficulty knowing how to proceed in a particular case, we should admit it. Paul told the Galatians that he was “perplexed” about them (Gal. 4:20; see 2 Cor. 4:8), and in 2 Corinthians 12:20 he wrote, “I’m afraid that when I come again my God will humiliate me before you.” Now that is being honest! Paul knew and admitted that he was fallible as a minister, an admission that revealed his sincerity and enabled people to trust him.
What role does establishing a facilitative relationship with a counselee play in the counseling process? Scripture underscores its significance by exhortation and example, and what Scripture teaches, counseling experience illustrates. Here, for example, is one counselee’s evaluation of some of the factors she considered most helpful in her counseling experience:
For me the content of the counseling in many ways was secondary. Often it was who the counselor was that laid the foundation for whether I could trust, accept, and do what was presented during counseling.
It was a big step for me to be under the tutelage of a male. My relationships with both men and women had been so bad that I didn’t trust anyone, although it was worse with men than with women. A counselor needs to be trustworthy. For me some of the hardest things in my life did not hit the table until long after I knew my counselor. Much of that was simply because I needed to know that no matter what was happening, he could be trusted. I had many experiences with people who didn’t believe me when I told them certain things were happening in my life. I assumed that most people were like that, and feared that they all were. So I did not easily trust anyone. Time was needed and I needed to see that this counselor believed in me. I needed to see that he trusted me. I don’t mean to suggest that he never had the right to question the validity of my situation (in fact he did), but I simply needed to see that I was going to be trusted, accepted, and believed in.
On one occasion I walked out on the counselor and slipped back down the slide, yet he was patient with me. He hurt with me and even in the midst of my own failings, I sensed the respect from him that helped me start climbing the ladder again. My counselor’s credibility was built over the long haul—he continued to love when I did not love and tried to run.
One counselor I’ve had seemed to have the answers too available on his cuff. At times he responded too quickly and gave the impression of having a canned approach. I left feeling that he didn’t sense the difficulty that existed and the time needed for rebuilding. Whereas my counselor seemed much more sensitive to my own hurts, and although he didn’t hesitate to confront me with hard truths, he did it in ways that I knew without a doubt that he loved and cared for me and my growth in Christ.
One other element I needed and looked for was whether or not I was accepted. Even when things would seem to go from bad to worse, did he still accept me? This didn’t mean that he condoned everything I had done or still did. It didn’t mean that he never rebuked or reproved me or called on me to repent, but it did mean that he did it in a loving and gracious way so that I knew he was my friend and not my enemy. It also meant that my counselor affirmed me when possible—he commended and complimented as well as challenged.
As this letter illustrates, those who come for counsel are often scrutinizing the counselor to see if he or she is someone who can be trusted. Only if the counselor proves to be trustworthy, can a helping relationship be established that will make the counseling process a mutually profitable experience.
Though God sometimes chooses to accomplish His work through unlikely ways and unlikely people, the Bible emphasizes (and the counselee’s letter illustrates) that God usually changes lives in a situation where a relationship of concern and trust exists between the helper and the one who needs help. As biblical counselors, we must do all we can to wrap the content of our counseling in a package of compassion, respect, and honesty.