by Edgardo Menvielle, MD, MSHS
The setting is our parent group in Washington, D.C., in the basement of the church where we meet monthly. The children are playing in an adjacent room while the parents sit in a circle and discuss their latest experiences, and their fears and hopes for their children. A knock on the door is followed by the triumphant entry of two little boys draped in lace, pretending to be two matching brides. Layers of cloth are wrapped around their bodies and heads, making dresses, veils, and trains that keep getting in the way of their small feet. Fancy jewelry complements the over-the-top outfits. “Let’s walk down the aisle,” one says to the other, and they proceed to march around the circle of parents, taking little steps. They are beaming with joy. The sight is reminiscent of the opening scene of Ma Vie en Rose, when the protagonist, Ludovic, descends the stairs in a princess costume and made-up to perfection to meet unsuspecting neighbors for the first time. There is none of Ludovic’s gravitas in these boys, only joy. (Ludovic only smiles after the crowd cheers—they take him for his sister; he assumes that the cheers celebrate his glamorous beauty.) Do I see a tinge of the excitement that comes from transgression, the spark of satisfaction that comes from getting away with small, forbidden pleasures? Or is it the joy of cooperative play, in which individual fantasies mesh in perfect creative unison and flawlessly coordinated execution?
When the boys finish circling the parents, they exit the room amid appreciative applause. It is rare that children come to the parents’ room; this was a special offering, a proud show of an artistic achievement. The discussion in the parent group resumes. The questions raised by gender nonconformity are complex. The parents grapple with their children’s safety and what might lie ahead for them. They raise questions of fairness, freedom of expression, sexuality, individuality, tradition, creativity, continuity versus change, pleasure and renunciation, bullying, and femininity and masculinity in multiple combinations and permutations. Simple answers are elusive.
In the same group meeting, a parent tells us about a children’s book that is likely to win a statewide competition in which early elementary school students vote for their favorite book. In the book, the cat character tries to wrest control of the story’s narrative from the author. After a struggle, the author puts the cat in a pink tutu. The cat is utterly mortified and gives up. The parent remarks on the delighted response of schoolchildren who are in on the story’s joke about social emasculation. She observes that this scene is not generally used as a teachable moment to criticize the devaluation of femininity or to raise awareness of the social opprobrium experienced by males who express it. This, the parent sees, is an example of the uncontested gender indoctrination of children that makes her son vulnerable to his peers’ taunting.
Socially sanctioned parenting scripts are ubiquitous and yet often invisible. A potent one is that parents must inculcate proper gender roles in their children at all costs. That was the starting point for the parents in our group, as it is for all parents, but over time the cumulative evidence at home has shown that expectations of strict gender enforcement are neither realistic nor advisable. Knowing that children who deviate from gender mandates are susceptible to social exclusion, these parents must instead learn to support their children as they walk through social minefields, figuring out their own steps.
A person’s gender is no more and no less than a creative individual achievement, and yet it can only develop through social exchange. It is informed by biology, culture, society, and the times in which we live. But it’s not clear in what proportions these elements contribute, or whether all these ingredients are really necessary. Diane Ehrensaft, PhD, does not advocate the elimination of gender, but a loosening of its mandates, allowing the boundaries to be blurred. She proposes shedding the gender corset to create room to breathe, room to grow. She shows us that gender is different things for different people, and she makes a compelling case for allowing children and adults to play with gender—without the severe punishments often inflicted on those who are making up the rules of the game as they play it. She helps us open our eyes, minds, and hearts so we can see and hear beyond the surface in order to help each child find his or her own truth and flourish.
Let people be and let’s support who people are: the proposition is simple, but the road to that goal is fraught with obstacles. Gender Born, Gender Made brings to our homes, schools, and clinicians’ offices a wealth of ideas and tools that will prove invaluable as we move toward a more empathic, just, and inclusive society.
EDGARDO J. MENVIELLE, MD, MSHS, is the director of the Gender and Sexuality Development Program and of the Gender and Sexuality Advocacy and Education Program in the Psychiatry Department of the Children’s National Medical Center in Washington, D.C. He started a national outreach group for parents of gender-variant children in 1998, and later a gender and sexuality development clinic. He is also an associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at The George Washington University. An internationally recognized authority on childhood and adolescent gender and sexuality, Dr. Menvielle has been quoted in The New York Times and Newsweek. He lives in Washington, D.C.