NOAH
I shoved the thought out of my head before I did the same thing Jonathan and Marissa had done ten years ago and decided to just take her away. Since Scarlett got home from the hospital, Dad had been agonizing over whether to tell Donald and Fiona about the accident or not.
Dad tapped his fingertips on his desk and peered up at me. “Do you know what you are going to do yet?” I asked.
“I believe so. When Donald calls tonight, I plan to tell them about the car accident. I do wonder if this will make them move faster though.”
I swallowed audibly. “Right.”
“She could have been killed and if she had… Well, I’m just saying I think they will want to get her to Ireland as soon as they can, fearing something else could happen at any minute.”
I rubbed my jaw and closed my eyes. I needed longer. It couldn’t happen soon. She had so much left to do. It was unfair. Even though we’d spent almost all of our free time together, texting or on the phone, I didn’t know her enough. I didn’t know what it was like to wake up beside her, and I didn’t expect to be allowed to sleep beside her with the short time we’d have together, but I still wanted it.
“They can’t,” I said. “Not by too much anyway.”
“Noah, they can do what they want if they think it is in our best interest.”
“Yes, I know that, but I mean that her parents probably aren’t going to let her out of their sight for a while. She’s recovering, and I don’t know if she would willingly come with me yet. I don’t think risking taking her without her permission would be a good idea. How would we get her on the ferry? She would cause a scene.”
I watched Dad’s frown subside as he absorbed what I’d said. Come on, Dad, side with me.
“I agree,” he finally said. “When I speak to them, I will let them know our fears, but you know as well as I that the decision on this one is theirs. Being her parents grants them a much larger claim over her than the rest of us.”
“I’m sure they will see continuing with the original plan is the best idea. They don’t want this to go wrong either, and it’s already so dangerous.”
He nodded once. “I’m sure you are right.”
Thank you.
“Do you need me any longer?”
“Are you planning on visiting Scarlett?” he asked.
“I am.”
He tilted his head toward the door. “Send our well wishes.”
“Will do,” I replied, leaving his office and heading straight out the door.
Walking to Scarlett’s, I rubbed the ache between my eyes. I felt like I was living with a constant headache and I hated it. My mind was constantly buzzing. I didn’t know what to do, what was right. I just wanted it to stop.
My breathing was heavy, but I couldn’t get enough oxygen and felt like I was going to collapse. I wasn’t too proud to admit that I was lost, scared, and needed help. There was no one to help or guide me though. I had no one to talk to, so I just had to fight my way through it.
Scarlett was on my mind constantly. The relief I felt when I found out she was all right was stronger than anything I’d felt before. She had gotten beneath my skin already. I was terrified that she was the one for me. We were taught there is one person, the other half of yourself, out there. Scarlett was mine. How could she not be when I already felt this strongly about her?
But what it came down to was this: I couldn’t turn my back on everything I had ever known. Eternal Light was my whole life. It flowed through my veins; it was what made me who I was, and every member was family. I couldn’t betray that. I didn’t even know how to.
When I fell asleep every night, it was restless, and I had a hard time keeping Scarlett off my mind for very long. I hated every single part of being away from the safety of my community, and I loved and hated falling for Scarlett in equal measures.
* * *
Scarlett was in a bad mood when I got to her house. I had absolutely no experience with a moody teenage girl; everyone back home was disciplined and could deal with disappointment well. I wanted to go home and wait for her spirits to lift, but I didn’t want to leave her upset.
I felt like I was constantly battling between what was expected of me and what I wanted. We were in her room because she refused to go downstairs and be anywhere near her parents. The atmosphere in her house was uncomfortable and tense. Since the therapist, things had gotten worse. She blamed her parents for not giving her the answers she wouldn’t ask them for.
Every day I struggled, and every day I fell in love with her that little bit more.
She sat at the end of her bed, absentmindedly looking at the TV. I could tell her mind was elsewhere. She’d really believed the therapist would be able to help, but when she came out of that room looking defeated, I knew it hadn’t gone her way.
But she was close to remembering. I watched her look at her parents differently. She might not even need to remember; soon, she would probably just put two and two together and realize her parents weren’t Jonathan and Marissa.
It was still a bit too soon. I wanted to hold her off, to steer her from the truth a little longer. But I wouldn’t mess with that. She had a right to the truth, and it wasn’t something I was willing to sabotage too heavily.
“Hey, you okay?” I asked.
She looked up and bit her lip. “I guess. I’m just disappointed that she couldn’t help.”
“Come here,” I said, holding my hands out.
Usually she would curl into my side, but today she climbed on my lap and laid her head on my shoulder. I was momentarily stunned. We hadn’t been quite that close before. I liked it far too much. Everything about her felt right, natural, and she fit against me perfectly.
“I’m so glad I have you, Noah. You’re the only one I can trust.”
I bit my tongue. The stress and guilt was going to give me an ulcer. Weaving my fingers through her long hair, I replied, “It’s okay. Try not to let it get to you so much. The mind is a complicated thing. The fact that you’ve remembered this much is a huge step.”
“But is it a memory?” She groaned. “It’s driving me crazy, whirling around in my head all the time. Make me forget it, Noah.”
This was it. We were alone in her house apart from Jeremy, who was in his room with Amie. I had never had sex before and I was sure I wanted my first time to be with Scarlett, but I didn’t want to do this if it was just to take her mind off everything.
“Not like this,” I said, leaning my forehead against hers. She frowned, and I ran my thumb along her jaw. “You mean so much to me, but I want our first time to be because you want me, not because you want me to help you forget.”
“That’s not what I meant.” Her arms tightened around my neck. “If you’re not ready that’s fine.”
Not ready. I wanted to laugh. Just because my experience with women was a list of one person didn’t mean I didn’t have those feelings. I wanted her, but I could see the indecision in her eyes. It wasn’t the right time, her mind was too all over the place, and I wasn’t going to give her something else to regret about us.
“Scarlett, I love you.”
Her dark eyes widened a fraction before they glowed. “I love you too.”
“I can wait.” A part of me hoped she wouldn’t be ready. I was betraying her and soon she would find out. Could I let our relationship turn physical? I shouldn’t, but I knew it wouldn’t be easy once she wanted to.
Tipping her head up, she offered her mouth. I kissed her long and slow, unable to resist. She melted against me until her whole weight was pressing me against the wall. I wanted more.
Her fingers dug into my neck as I nipped her bottom lip. She invaded all of my senses, threatening to drive me insane. Everything was Scarlett, Scarlett, Scarlett, and I never wanted that to stop.
Was this what it was like to be completely in love? No one back home showed the can’t keep your hands off each other stage. We didn’t want to be part of the oversexed nation where no one gave a second thought to displaying anything and everything. But I wasn’t so sure I wanted what they wanted. I understood it now—it was the best feeling in the world to be so in the moment with someone, so absorbed in them, that you could explode from being so happy.
She was the first one to break the kiss, when she felt something that I thought would make my face burn with embarrassment. But I wasn’t embarrassed with her. It was a physical action showing how much I wanted her.
“Okay,” she said, breathing deeply. “Um…”
I ran my hands up her back, smiling. “I know and it’s fine. Really. You can stop me whenever you need to. No pressure, remember?”
Nodding, she beamed.
“Anyway, I should go soon.”
“Really?” she asked, pouting.
I was sure my pupils dilated when she pouted, remembering biting her lip in our kiss that had been much more frantic and needy than before.
“I’ll see if I can come back after dinner.”
“You could eat here.”
“And I wish I’d asked my parents before, so I could stay.”
She tilted her head in a nod. “But you didn’t, so your mum’s cooked for you.”
“Exactly.”
“Okay. Let me know if you can come back, and I’ll pick a movie.”
“Sounds perfect.”
And I hated how perfect it did sound.
* * *
When I got home, I could hear Finn’s music upstairs, Dad’s office door was shut, so he was locked away in there, and I had no idea where Mum was. There was a vegetable stew in the slow cooker, making the kitchen smell incredible.
I walked outside and saw Mum kneeling in the mud, planting something.
“Hey,” I said, lowering myself to the ground beside her. “Need help?”
Her hands and knees were muddy, but she always had the biggest smile when she was outside. She was the true embodiment of Eternal Light. The text might as well have been written about her. When I saw her like that, the way I did every morning back home, I missed my community that much more.
“Always,” she replied. “The soil isn’t as good as back home, but we are getting good produce. I do miss corn though. Can you pick the ripe tomatoes and strawberries for me?”
“Sure.” I took a bowl and went to the greenhouse beside where she was digging the ground.
“How is Scarlett?” she asked.
“She’s fine.” She wasn’t fine, but I didn’t feel like discussing Scarlett’s private life, even though I should. “I might go back over later, if that’s okay?”
“Of course. Are things between you going well?”
Now I wasn’t sure what to answer. Things between us were going really well; the more I saw her the more I wanted to be around her. When it was just her and I, I felt free. I thought of nothing but us. It was addictive.
“Things are going according to plan. She’s a nice girl, very sweet.”
“Do you think she’s in love with you yet?”
I swallowed razor blades. Yes, and that both thrilled and sickened me. “I’m not sure. Maybe. It’s still early days.” My face burned, and I had to busy myself, unable to look my mother in the eye as I lied to her.
“I’ve seen how she looks at you, Noah.”
So had I.
“Even if she’s not, we have a couple of months,” I said, picking the red tomatoes off the vines.
“I don’t think that’s going to be an issue. She adores you. I know she’ll go with you without incident.”
My heart sank. Mum had said it to make me feel better, but it made me feel worthless. I loved Scarlett’s feelings for me; they were as plain to see when she stared into my eyes as they were when she said the words. I shouldn’t have felt anything back, but I loved her too.
It’ll be fine. I’ll get an eternity with her afterward.
“Can I ask you something, Mum?”
“You know you can. Anything, anytime.”
I licked my lips, gripping the bowl with both hands. “Do you think it will hurt her?”
Silence stretched on for too long.
“Do you mean when she finds out you have lied or the final ritual?”
Which one did I mean? Well, I didn’t want to know the answer to the first, even though I already did. “The ritual,” I replied.
“No, I don’t. It will be over too soon.”
I clawed the plastic bowl, fingertips turning white. “And do you think sixteen is the right age?”
She appeared in front of the door, tilting her head to the side. “Noah…”
I raised my hands. “No, that’s not what I mean. No second thoughts. You know how committed I am to Eternal Light. I agreed to five months in the pit that is civilization. I am in this one hundred percent. I just wondered if it would be better when she’s twenty or twenty-four. She’d be an adult; we could talk to her adult to adult, get her to come with us voluntarily when there’s no chance of being arrested for kidnapping.”
Mum’s body visibly relaxed, the stress in her eyes evaporating. “I understand where you are coming from, but there is no guarantee that she would come even then. It is dangerous to wait. She is out here, where anything could happen to her. Death is an occurrence that happens every second out here. All you hear about on the news is death. If she dies before the rituals, it is over for all of us, including Scarlett.”
“Right.” I scratched my forehead. “I know. Sorry, I do know that. I was just thinking aloud.”
“You are entitled to ask questions, Noah. As you know, it is encouraged; you should never hold a doubt in. Is it still a doubt?”
“No,” I replied, lying to my mother’s face for the first second time today alone. It was the first time in my eighteen years that I had lied. What had I become?
She smiled, proving she believed me and making me feel worse. “Good. You know you can come to me if you ever need confirmation on anything?”
“I do. Thank you.”
“Would you like to go over some literature tonight?”
No. “That sounds good.”
“Noah,” Dad called from inside.
“Yes?”
“Can you come into my office for a minute, please?”
“Sure. I’ll be there in a second.”
Mum smiled. “All right, you are officially let off gardening duty.”
“Thanks.”
His door was open, and he was sitting back on his chair behind the desk. “Come in,” he said.
I closed the door behind me and sat on the armchair in the corner. “What’s up?”
“How is Scarlett doing?”
She was starting to remember. That was huge and I should tell him but something stopped me every time I opened my mouth to.
“She’s okay. Now that she’s home, she’s back to normal.”
Dad smiled. “Good. That’s good. I was very concerned for a while there.”
Me too, but I think for completely different reasons.
“If she’d have died, what would have happened?” I asked.
“Nothing. Nothing can happen without her. We need to keep her safe and well.”
I nodded, crossing my legs at the ankle. Evelyn was already gone; we needed to protect Scarlett’s life until we got her to Ireland. “I know that.”
“How are you doing? The pressure isn’t getting to you, is it?”
“No. Hanging out with her isn’t stressful. She’s a great girl.”
“She is,” Dad agreed. “Jonathan and Marissa have done a good job raising her, I’ll give them that. I had visions of a teenage brat, but she’s polite and kind.”
And beautiful, funny, trusting, considerate, and loving.
“You care for her?” Dad asked.
“We all do. You have just listed some of the reasons why.”
He laughed. “Yes, you are right about that.”
After talking to Mum, I felt like I was on trial. They trusted me. Trust was a huge part of Eternal Light. We didn’t betray. There had been just one case: Jonathan and Marissa. I wouldn’t let them down. They were what made me me. I didn’t exist without them. I just had to get Scarlett out of my head and remind myself that I was doing the right thing for everyone here. I’m doing the right thing.