Despite its sinister undertones, Angelica’s muttering must have had a hypnotic effect on me. By the time the helicopter landed in the garden of the massive villa, I was snoring, nose pressed against the window, mouth hanging open, neck twisted at an awkward angle, Graham’s elbow in my ear. When I woke up I thought for a second I must still be dreaming, because there, looking in at me with an amused smile warming his familiar features, was the man himself: the legendary Bill Strummer. He was wearing a battered denim jacket, faded jeans and a hat, which made him look more like a cowboy than a rock star. He seemed as soft and stylish as an old leather sofa: there was something about him that was instantly welcoming.
But there was nothing either soft or welcoming about the woman standing, stiffly protective, at his side. She nodded and threw a forced smile at Sally, baring her teeth like a Rottweiler about to attack. This had to be Tessa Whittam.
As Gregor released the door locks, Bill stepped forwards to help Angelica out. Gregor looked embarrassed, Tessa seemed plain angry, but Bill oozed pity from every pore. Pity and vast amounts of guilt. The poor man was riddled with it.
The sight of her ex-husband seemed to unhinge Angelica even further. For a second she shrank into herself, arms squeezing her chest again, eyes tight shut as if she didn’t want to look at him. Then she took a deep breath and mumbled quickly to herself, “I’m going to put a stop to all this,” before taking his outstretched hand and wrenching her face into a pathetic smile. As she stepped out I got the faintest glimpse of what she’d looked like before her husband had dumped her.
“Bill,” she said croakily. “Bill.”
“Good to see you, babe,” he said gently. Too gently. It was like she might crumble into dust if he spoke too loudly. And then he tucked her hand carefully into the crook of his arm as if she was a fragile old lady in need of support.
Beside him, Tessa looked poised and ready to attack if Angelica did anything unexpected: her fists were clenching und unclenching as she considered where to aim her first blow.
Anyone else would have tried to hustle Angelica out of sight immediately, but this was Mr Nice Guy, remember? He looked over to where Sally, Graham and I were prising ourselves sweatily off the back seats and unfolding like crumpled balls of newspaper. He smiled, apologizing for the awkwardness of the situation with his eyes. “Hey, thanks for dropping everything, Mrs Marshall. I’m dead chuffed you could come.”
“Do call me Sally,” said Graham’s mum as she stepped out, blushing and letting out an unexpectedly high giggle. One look at Bill and she’d transformed back into a schoolgirl with a crush.
“Hi guys,” he said, turning to me and Graham – who, let me remind you, everyone had completely ignored until this point. “Sorry to drag you into this. You missing school on my account?”
“Yes,” I said, adding, “a whole bunch of assessment tests. We’re really gutted about it.”
Bill threw back his head and guffawed. There’s something nice about a grown-up who genuinely laughs at your jokes, and I couldn’t help beaming back at him. That’s charisma for you. The man was irresistible. Even Graham managed one of his blink-and-you-miss-it grins.
Then Angelica shivered as if she’d been plunged into iced water.
“Hey, babe,” Bill said, full of concern. “You ain’t well. Let’s get you into the house. We’ll find you a nice room.”
“With you?” She sounded desperate.
“No, babe, not with me,” Bill’s voice was thick with embarrassment. “You know I’m with… You know I’m getting m…” Words failed him.
“Married? You’re getting married? You’re going ahead with it, then?” Angelica said flatly.
“Of course.”
“I see.” Angelica’s mouth thinned into a severe line. “I’ll stop you,” she declared fiercely. “I’ll find a way. This won’t happen. I won’t allow it.”
Bill was unruffled. “Look, we’ll get you settled in,” he said with patient concern. “Nice warm bubble bath, cup of hot chocolate. Something stronger if you need it. Then Tessa’s arranged for a doctor to come and check you out.”
Angelica tore her hand away from him. “I don’t need a doctor!” she screamed. “I’m perfectly fine!” Then she burst into hysterical sobs and fell into a dead faint.
And so it came to pass that the first Mrs Strummer entered, in a most dramatic fashion, the luxury villa that Bill had hired for his second wedding. We processed along behind him as he carried his ex-wife, swooning in his arms like the heroine of an old black-and-white movie. He passed through the double doors and into the entrance hall.
Josie Diamond was standing halfway up the marble staircase, her peachy looks marred by savage jealousy. The expression on her face announced loud and clear that she was just about ready to commit murder.