Sensitive Babies

 

Some babies seem especially sensitive regarding stimulation and new experiences: lights, new people, the crush of a crowd, tags on clothes, even the sound of a toilet flushing. Is it better to protect them from what’s making them nervous, or expose them to more of it so that they become more resilient and able to handle it in the future?

Competing Opinions

Perspective #1: Babies have to get used to new sights, sounds, and sensations; that’s part of growing into their world. We need to be there for them and encourage that growth. We’re doing harm when we shelter them from new experiences. Instead, we need to push them beyond what feels comfortable and help them build strength and resilience. Part of loving them is avoiding overprotecting them and helping them grow into all they can become.

Perspective #2: Our first job as parents is to keep our children safe, to help them feel at home and at ease in the world. They’re still so little and vulnerable that they require us to shelter and protect them. There will be plenty of time later to challenge them and build resilience. Especially if your baby has a more sensitive temperament, protect him from stressful situations and be patient in figuring out how to help him grow into all he can become.

What the Science Says

PARENTS OBVIOUSLY INFLUENCE the way babies perceive and interact with their world. Research backs this up, but it also clearly demonstrates that biological and environmental forces have significant impacts as well. Your child’s temperament, therefore, needs to be considered when you’re making parenting decisions. For some temperaments, a particular parenting approach might help; in other kids, the same approach might hurt. In other words, certain parental responses are going to be more effective and beneficial with a child who’s naturally inclined to be more shy or sensitive, whereas other approaches will work better with a child who’s outgoing and who happily welcomes new experiences.

A huge amount of the research in this area has focused on young children, looking at how their initial temperaments—whether they are high-energy or less so, quick to warm up to new experiences or slow, and so on—manifest as the kids grow older. As you might expect, these studies demonstrate the negative effects of overprotecting children, as well as asking too much of them. And while fewer investigations have focused exclusively on infancy, empirical research on parental responses to sensitive babies suggests that the overall conclusions are consistent with what we’ve seen in toddlers and preschoolers: “that sensitive and appropriately responsive parenting in infancy is related to more optimal patterns of behavioral and physiological reactivity and regulation.” This “sensitive and appropriately responding parenting,” in other words, where parents read their children’s cues and respond with love and attunement, will typically reduce behavioral problems and help kids be better regulated, both physically and emotionally. The opposite is true as well. A parental lack of responsiveness, especially when it reaches its extreme and results in abuse or neglect, can be related to all kinds of future negative outcomes for children, including impulse control problems, depression, and antisocial behaviors.

The Bottom Line

WHILE IT’S DIFFICULT to draw causal connections between certain parental behaviors and various childhood outcomes, we can point to patterns that seem well established in the research: primarily, that children whose parents support and protect them, while also allowing them to experience momentary and manageable discomfort without too much stress, have a much better chance of growing into teenagers and adults who, regardless of their temperament, can deal with new and difficult situations without losing control of themselves or their emotions.

When it comes to deciding how much to protect our babies and how much to allow them to grow by undergoing new and challenging experiences, it’s like so many facets of the parenting experience: we need to find the Goldilocks sweet spot—not too hot and not too cold. Like older kids and adults, some babies are naturally more disposed to approaching a new situation or input with enthusiasm, and others will be stressed out and automatically avoid it. The goal, with any child, is to provide attuned, sensitive care, reading the baby’s signals and figuring out how to give this individual child what he needs in this particular moment.

On a Personal Note

THIS WAS A big struggle for me as a new mom. I had a sensitive, easily overwhelmed baby. When he was about three months old, we traveled to a family reunion. It started off with a drive that took three times as long since we had to keep pulling over because he cried and cried and cried, hating being in his car seat. (I actually think now that he may have been carsick.) And I’ll admit, I even somehow contorted my body to nurse him while he was strapped into his car seat as my husband kept driving to get us there. It was a horrid day on the road for us (although one surprised truck driver did get a show).

Once we finally made it to the gathering, my son cried for virtually the whole weekend. Many caring family members volunteered to give my husband and me a break by holding our son, but when we tried it he became even more upset. I even felt pressure to “share” him and let his cousins, uncles, aunts, and grandparents hold him and get time with him. But my instincts told me that much of his unhappiness was caused by passing him around amid all the stimuli and noise. I knew we’d have plenty of time later to socialize him, and I felt within my bones that at my son’s young age, he needed me to take him to a quieter place, soothe him, and be focused on his needs, so he could know that I would help him feel safe in the world. So I ended up cocooning with him in a back bedroom much of the weekend, and we were both much happier.

Because of his temperament, I made similar decisions not just when he was a baby but throughout his childhood as well. These choices weren’t always well received by friends and family members. But I knew I had to deal with my people-pleasing tendencies and build the confidence to step into the role of being less accommodating of others in order to follow my instincts and take care of my kid in the way he needed to be taken care of, even if others didn’t agree.

By the way, there were plenty of times, increasingly so as our son grew older, that we found ways to encourage him to face situations that didn’t immediately feel comfortable to him. As an infant he needed our protection, but we knew better than to shelter him from every possible challenge as he grew up, and as a result, he’s now a highly social young man who’s comfortable with himself and has really good people skills (if I do say so myself).